[lost,in,rsa]

My fiance and I have been together for 3 years now. I don't know if what's been happening is emotional cheating or is it his way of coping. Just before new years a younger, sexy girl started working with him. At first I thought the attention she was giving him would be good for his self esteem. His boss had a party for new years eve I could only get there after 10, after getting there I found out that he and this girl had been alone in the kitchen together all evening,flirting. I thought nothing of it because iv gained a lot of pounds since been together ( side effects of birth control, or so iv been told) and I'm not a very fun person to be around. A few weeks later I wanted to use his phone, I found some of the messages. My heart broke, he had been telling her intimate things about himself I did not know. She described in detail to him things she wanted to do with him in the bedroom. I confronted him and he told me it was nothing. I decided to confront her about it and she blew everything out of proportion. Turns out she is the bosses niece. Now I'm stuck with the pain and confusion of what happened and he has problems at work. What should I do

[lynn P.]

Yes emotional cheating is real and if I were you, I would seriously consider marrying him or staying in the relationship. This is no way to start a marriage. I also feel for you, that you're mentioning your weight, as if to say he has a reason to do this. You may not mean it that way. but this is taking a toll on your self esteem.

The conversation they had almost sounds like a prelude to getting together physically. He may promise not to do it again, but this doesn't mean he won't be thinking this way still. Pay attention to the red flags. How does he make you feel on a daily basis?

[Leed]

I have to agree with Lynn. This is definitely a danger signal. And for him to just brush it off as if it was "nothing" is ridiculous! He's almost telling you that you're "over-reacting." You are NOT! I would be LIVID if I'd found that out about MY fiance'. In fact I'd probably want him to change jobs! LOL

i'd think twice (or three times!) before marrying this guy. If he can't be true while you're engaged, what's going to happen when you're married? Is he going to have girlfriends then too? Is this the first time you two have had troubles? Is he good to you? Like Lynn asked, how does he treat you and make you feel? These are important questions. Maybe couples counseling will help.

I wish you the very best. I hope things work out the way you want them to. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[Mordecaii]

I can't really help with your problem. But i need to say that i admire you, i admire for being so secure in your relationship and with yourself that you gave him a little space when that other girl who even you think is attractive yourself started giving him attention. How you handled that was very mature. I wish i could say the same about him .. because what you did to me was noble, loving , and so sweet . You we're thinking about him and not worrying about yourself. If my fiance worked with an attractive women i'd feel threatened and if he even talked to her once. My heart would break. I can only dream of being as brave and as caring as you one day .

[lost,in,rsa]

Well this evening ( its night time for me now) he went to get some milk from the store and I had a chance to read all the messages. He didn't say much except for his um intimate things. From what I gathered he seemed to be only interested in her telling him her sexual desires for him. I saw in over 7 messages he sent her that he said ' nothing will ever come of this, its nice to know that I am desired but nothing will ever happen". Now I don't know if is really what he feels. I confronted him again after he got home his exact words to me where " you and I have been together so long it was nice to know I'm still wantable (I don't think its a real word, English is not my strong point) and he told her his intimate things because he was worried that I would have a bad reaction ( we have only been with each other in the bedroom and are both 'naïve'( is that the word to use)) and that he doesn't care if she judges him because she is not important. Now what if he is just saying these things to make me feel better? He treats me well, he never swears on me and helps me with everything he can, he even helps with house work. So yes I think he does treat me well. I have to marry him our families will disown us if we don't, we where just lucky that we liked each other from childhood and have been friends for long. Because there is no way out I thought that if we work on our relationship it would be better than being miserable. If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you with. Thank you for careing enough to share your advise

[LilithEve]

To my mind emotional cheating is far, far worse than physical cheating. I would be very, very hurt if my partner was telling anyone things he didn't tell me let alone an attractive girl he was flirting with. You need to confront him and tell him how much he hurt you.

[doggiedo]

Yes, it is cheating. My husband of 6 years met someone (who he had been friends with at work for a few years) and he did the same thing! We were at a Christmas party at her house and I went home early (I wasn't feeling well)...and he stayed until 2am. I looked through his phone and found a special folder with texts to/from her. I confronted him about it...he denyed, denyed, denyed..

One we decided to go our seperate ways, he told me (much later) that she tried to kiss him during that Xmas Eve party. He didn't want to hurt me by telling me that. He ended up getting engaged to her..it's two years later and they now live together in the home I shared with him...and he's adopting her two kids. They are getting married in July. Yea...so, I guess that's the worst case scenario for you - I don't want to scare you.

I think what you have to ask yourself is, Is it emotionally hurting you? Do you feel at all betrayed by his actions? Do you think he has feelings for her? If you have a friend in your situation, what would you tell her? It's a tough one.

Please just be very careful...