my husband says I have the problem - but I don't agree

My husband has always said that I have a problem with depression. He now also says that I am bi-polar and this is documented (however, I am not aware of being diagnosed as such). He says all of our marital problems are because I am so impossible and I refuse to get treatment. He says that he is not interested in "talking about things" because he is my husband and not my psychiatrist: my problems have to be sorted out by me alone.

Last year he said that he would leave me if I didn't take a day off work and immediately see a doctor for my depression. I followed his orders and visited a doctor.

The doctor agreed that I was depressed, but he said that it was not a clinical depression (I showed no signs of that as I still took care of my appearance, was successful at my job, had been trying to think of solutions to our marital problems, knew exactly what was bothering me, etc...). He said he could do nothing for me, that we (my husband and I) needed to see a marriage counselor.

I've suggested this to my husband many times - and he refuses. He says that people go to marriage counselors to try and prove to their spouses that "they are right" and to in turn have the counselor reassure them that "they are right". He does not want any part of "my wanting to prove myself right." I have decided to go to counselling on my own however.

I have been working several jobs, 7 days a week for long periods of time, over the past 2 years to support our family. My husband has been employed around 25% of this time. We'll have been married 3 years this January. The first year of our marriage I was in the States while he was in England. He was in a homeless shelter there, and nearly got himself evicted from a public housing scheme.

We have fought continually over my asking him to help with the housework and to generally have a "helpful attitude". If something needs to be done, why doesn't he just do it, instead of waiting for me to ask him repeatedly until it turns into a fight.

Lately we've been fighting about money. He's owed around $2000 by his employer. The checks didn't arrive on time to pay the rent. I took a cash advance on my credit card to pay the rent and am down to my last $30. I found out last night that he's 3 weeks behind in invoicing his employer and those checks won't arrive for another 4 weeks after he submits the invoices. I asked him to please get the invoices ready last night. He forgot to. I'm very nervous that I won't be able to cover the bills at the end of this month. He gets very angry when I ask him about the check that is supposedly coming, or whether he's up to date with his invoices.

In short, he won't do anything without me nagging him. I would do everything myself to avoid the fight, but I'm working too many hours to do this. We have a 6 year old son who tells his teacher at school that he misses his mom. I never get to see him because I'm always working. My husband works 2 or 3 days a week at the moment.

I've started trying to lay the law down about dividing the household labour and expenses. I can't always be responsible for it all. This year he has contributed $900 in total. He says I've lost it and I'm having another depressive episode.

Yes - I am very depressed, but I think it is with good reason. I'm also starting to think that he has the real problem. He has a history of homelessness. Last year, the only bill he was responsible for was the rent. I took over that bill as well when I found that he hadn't paid it for 6 months. I learned this by intercepting an eviction letter that came in the mail.

He is completely uninvolved in paying bills or taking care of the apartment. He sits on the computer all day, working on music, reading about conspiracy theories for a laugh, reading about gangsters, Hells Angels in London, etc...

I think he shows signs of a personality disorder, but doesn't match any profile exactly. He refuses to go to any form of counselling, even with me.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what I can do? Where could I find profiles of mental illness common to homeless people to see if this is his problem? He has no concern about getting the bills paid. This upsets me, and he blames my concern on my "depression".

What is your take?

Thanks for all responses.

Hi upset (and every right to be)

I have a few quick questions and comments as I'm running out the door. I'll have more later.

How and where did he come up with this idea that you were documented as being Bipolar?

Has he always been evasive when asked to back up his statements?

It really sounds like he's dropping the ball on his end, and he doesn't want to accept that responsibility. So he pushes it off onto you.

If there's anything wrong with you that I can see, it's that you're way overworked, and you have an enormous amount of stress in your life. I'd make plans for a vacation right now. And if he doesn't like, life's a b****

I hope we hear back from you soon, and welcome to the forums!

bptoo

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

Where did you meet this guy and I take he's not the father of your son? You need to "unload" this man ASAP. Sounds to me like he's taking advantage of you and maybe he's bipolar or something. Why was he in a homeless shelter for the first year of your marriage in England and you lived over here? His lifestyle obviously has improved after marrying you but yours has not.

You need to start out fresh again without him. Get one job and spend time with your son. What example are you setting for him? That dads sit around and play on the computer while moms are never home and at work?

You don't need this man. Don't let him rob precious years of your life and your son's. I would just quietly one night pack up everything and see a divorce lawyer right away. Good luck. Hope this didn't sound too harsh, but I hate to see you being taken advantage of. You're a hard worker and you are not mentally ill, maybe just mentally stressed out.

Thanks everyone for listening.

I actually met him when I was a foreign exchange student in London and 16. He was my first real "crush" and I went back to catch up with him several times after the foreign exchange ended. He didn't like America before and didn't even want to visit it. Immigration was to o difficult for me to get the right to live and work over in the UK, so I finally gave up trying that around 1993 or so. My husband-to-be was such a different person then. He's always been very intelligent, but then he kept a very tidy flat, was going to university, worked, was the most responsible person in our little group (albeit a bit eccentric). He was always there for me and always very kind.

I met an American when I came back over here who I was with until 1996 (the biological father of my child). This guy was an absolute nightmare and I finally got the courage to leave him after a few miserable years.

A few weeks after leaving, I found out I was pregnant. The man in London, who is now my husband, encouraged me to have the child, rather than give it up for adoption, saying that would really set me straight and help get my priorities right. We stayed in touch on the telephone throughout the years, and he was the person I could always ring up if I was having a hard time and needed to talk.

He himself had gone through a very bad relationship that lasted 2 1/2 years. He had a "bit of a breakdown" when it ended, which is when he ended up in the homeless shelter. He was in one once previous to that, while he was at University. Apparently the student accomodation paperwork got messed up, and he lost his dorm. He was very frustrated by this and dropped out. He had been working odd jobs ever since and living a party life to the extreme.

I followed his advice and really sorted out my life. In 1999, this man and I decided to meet up again in person. He also wanted to meet my son. We celebrated New Year's 2000 with him in Ireland at his mum's.

In March of 2000 he offered to be a father to my son, and we filled out the paperwork to accomplish that. A month afterwards, he asked me to marry him. I said yes, and we were going to get married in the States that summer. He could never save up the money though, so that didn't happen.

I was planning on taking a vacation to London that year for Christmas, so thought, "why don't we just get married then?". We did. I had to return to the states though 2 weeks after we were married. I noticed a big change in him at that point, but thought he just needed a woman's influence to get him back on track. His finances were in a mess, as was his flat - but I put that down to a bachelor's way of life. He was going to visit us in March 2001, but couldn't save the money... When September 11 happened though, I thought I needed to be with him and made the arrangements to move to London in December of that year.

I did, and found employment quite quickly. I had alot of work cleaning up my husband's efficiency flat though. He mentioned that his rent was in arrears, but that he was paying it off. The place was filthy, and the only furniture was a sofa he had found in the rubbish, a table, and a futon mattress. I was pricing out 2 bedroom flats, and ended up taking over paying our rent (as he didn't, and we were served with an eviction letter). I paid off more than 2/3 of the debt when he decided that he wanted to move to the States.

I had taken him on his first vacation, the summer prior to his decision, to the US to meet my family. He didn't want to go, but I insisted. When he visited, he loved it. He talked to a few construction workers (what he was doing in London) and found the union labour rates to be better than what he was making in the UK. He also thought the housing prices were very cheap and people were very friendly.

I loved London, spent alot of money and gave alot of things up to make the move, and had worked hard on sorting out our situation there. I didn't want to start from scratch in the States, and abandon my dream of living in London. My husband insisted though, and told me he'd divorce me if we didn't do it (financial problems were really eating at us - I was sick of paying all the bills while he sat at the pub: we argued about this constantly). I finally gave up and agreed to move.

It took a long time and alot of money to file the immigration paperwork for him to get the right to work here as my husband. He finally got a social security number the other week: I started the process back in May of this year, when I had to move back. He's been working about 1 1/2 months now as a labour contractor for a hospital, though.

A friend of mine offered my husband a job (he noticed how tired I was from working all the time and thought this would help me). I declared myself a sole proprietorship, with my husband as my employee, and used my social security number as the tax id on the invoices we sent through. Because of the personal connection, we've been able to pull this off.

The "documented" bi-polar, I don't know how he got that idea. I asked my parents and they said they might have mentioned something like that. When I was a teenager, I was very upset that I couldn't stay in London with this guy (my dream man). I ended up being confined at the age of 17 for 2 weeks for the reason of depression. I personally think this did me know good and I didn't need that - I was just a love-struck teenager. I wasn't prescribed any medication and no one gave me any diagnosis.

All in all, this man has been a very important part of my life. He used to be a very different person though. Seeing as I've done alright for myself throughout the years when I was on my own, and he can't seem to get it together, I don't think he should say all our problems are because of my depression.

Something has happened to him and I'm not sure what. He refuses to talk about it or go to any counselling with me though. He can be so nasty, saying horrible things, and then be quite alright. I wish I could tape record him secretly sometimes when he's shouting at me or our son - then play it back to him when he's calmed down.

Anytime I get angry with him, he says I have a disease called depression and I need help. Its never suggested that maybe he just help out around the house when I'm too busy - then we could see if my mood would improve.

Very long story - I know, sorry to babble on! I made an appointment for next week with the social worker. I can't stand his attitude anymore, and am very upset that I've lost another year of my son's life because I was too busy working. Its so hard to forget about who my husband used to be. I just wish I could figure out what happened to change him so drastically. And I'm so far in debt after all this moving around I couldn't afford a babysitter even. Thats why I'm just trying to keep things civil until I can afford to have another option - and if things haven't changed by then - move on!!!

Hello Upset (((((HUGS))))) sweetie and welcome to this wonderful forum!

In reading your post - the one thing that jumps out at me is that your problem is not you, but that lump of dead weight you are married too. Plainly put.

We're not living in the dark ages. A marriage takes two people to make it work. I can fully understand he may have trouble finding work at times (hey, we all can experience that from time to time), but somethings terribly wrong if he is content to allow his wife (that being you ) support him.

And another thing, just who does he think he is??? Royalty? If he isn't working fulltime on a job, then his sorry butt should be taking care of the house so that you, who are working full time could get some rest after you get home.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you exactly what I would do. In a heartbeat! Or a New York Minute!

Apparently, if he isn't going to be a man and roll his shirt sleeves up and do whatever it takes to help you - WHY DO YOU NEED HIM?

I'd tell him to be a MAN and if he can't be, I'd point him to the door and tell him, "Hit the road Jack and don't come back no more, no more".

YOU DESERVE BETTER!

I knew a girl in about the same situation and she used to tell people (this was after her divorce) that she lost 135 pounds overnight - all deadweight.

I can and will tell you this ... Take care of you sweetie!

Your friend Sam (who thinks sometimes you just got to be a man)

"You'll never know what you're capable of if you don't try."