[jmo531]

I have always had a hard time setting boundaries, expressing my needs and putting myself first in any situation because I always feel that I need to fix stuff. No matter what the situation. Even if I know I cant, I try.

Anyway my life from as far back as I can remember has been nothing but drama, violence, screaming and neglect. Needless to say, going through years of this you tend to beleive and to accept that this type of beyhavior is normal because that is all you are ever exposed too.

Up until my breakdown in December of 2004, I kept that belief system going because, again, I didnt know any different. That was "normal" to me.

Anyway, during these last several months, learning about me, bonding with my family and really getting familier with them and myself has taught me alot. For starters, I now know that life is going to be ok even if there is not a crisis going on. I know that it is ok to feel relaxed. Its ok to bum around on the weekend. I know that this seems dumb to most of you, but to me, knowing that all those things (and more stuff I wont mention now) are ok is a difference in my life then what is was before. Because before, those things were not ok. I had to constantly be "the fixer", "the provider".........

Anyway, the point of my story is.....as you know, I started back to work after 8 months and the transition was quite exhausting. Still going through that. After I returned I guess that people thought that I was "all better" and that I am "fixed" so they felt they could come to me and talk to me as they once did back before I had a hard time saying NO or I dont want to be involved.
My coworkers started gossiping about other coworker and telling me things that I really didnt care to know, or just didnt think I had the right to know. At first I was frustrated because I didnt know how I would get the courage up to tell them that I didnt want to get involved that I didnt want to gossip and I dont want the drama in my life because its not my drama to have.

I ended up writing an email to the 2 girls involved and basically spoke from my heart. I wasnt attacking them for what they had gossiped about, I just stayed focused on me, my needs, the changes that I have made and how I plan to maintain my emotional health by separating myself for negative influences, as much as I can, in every aspect of my life. I asked that they please respect my feelings and refrain from including me in anymore gossip or speculations as I wanted no part of it.

As I expected, it was a little hard to swollow at first for them. I suppose its because they thought that I was the same old Jen, but I am not. I have felt things and made some changes that I am really proud of and want to continue being a good person. I want to continue to do right by people. I guess they havent been around me to know. Anyway, they did appologize to me, which I thought was pretty commendable on their part and since then, there has been no gossip, well, at least none that I have heard about .

I am proud of myself because I never would have had the courage to say something before. Not that I was a push over but because I was part of the problem

Thanks for listening

[Sabrina]

I really enjoyed reading this. You comment about people expecting you to be "better and fixed" touched a raw spot. I have experienced this over and over. It exhausts me.

Well done on doing something that took a lot of courage. A wonderful achievement, for sure!

[jmo531]

Thank you Sabrina , that means alot to me. It is really a testament to the changes I have made.

I understand that "raw" spot your talking about. Had a little comment made today that kinda rubbed me the wrong way but I let it go, even though it bothered me.

Thanks for your response.

[SweetSunshine]

Jen I am really proud of you for doing this! I've had to do something similar only with my husbands family. They are gossipers and just feed off it. They think that because now I am not part of the "group' I am neglecting them and thier needs. I refuse to let their guilt trip on me get to me. Its their problem not mine. I used to do what they wanted all the time . No more. I have my own problems to deal with and that is enough. Glad your taking over your life as you want to and living it as you want. Good for you!!!!!

Hugz~
Bethy

[lenjan]

Congrats, Jen! Setting boundaries was one of the hardest things I ever had to learn -- but boy, does it pay off!, as you found out. You DESERVE to be proud of yourself! You done good!

A big WOO HOO to ya!

Candy

[dottie]

Hi Jen. Sounds like you are right on track. Good luck to ya'!!

[jmo531]

(((((((((((((((((((((Bethy)))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((Candy))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((((Dottie))))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks for your replies.

Setting boundaries is really hard, especially when your not use to doing it and resistance from those around you who arnt you to having them set.

I do feel good about it because it kinda eases the pressure but I really have my own life to contend with without having to contend with everyone elses too.



Thanks

Huggles,

Jen

[wisewoman]

WHOA, You did an amazing thing. You were strong and respected your own needs.

[heartspace]

Wow. You've accomplished a lot! Good on you, Jen. You have every right to be proud.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((((((Jen))))))))))))))))))))))

[Mystry]

Not only did you do the right thing for yourself Jen...but by the sounds of it you helped your co-workers just by not wanting to be a part of the gossip tree...that's an amazing thing...you go girl...

[SeptemberMorn]

That's my girl!! I'm so proud of you!!!

[jmo531]

Sorry I havent gotten back here to reply in a few days but I appreciate all of your posts and comments.

I have had to stay consistant with the "boundary setting" with the co-workers as it seems they keep forgetting but I quickly remind them and just go on about my business.

I am slowly getting back to my routine with work but somethings have changed and that takes some getting used too. I am hanging in there.

(((((((((((((((((((((((All of you))))))))))))))))))))))

[SeptemberMorn]

People sometimes don't want to believe that you've changed the ground rules on them!

[jmo531]

Yes, Tomi, I'm getting the feeling your right about that


Love,

Jen

[mrb020377]

I am proud of you too!!! way to go!

[jmo531]

Thanks Mel

I appreciate that. Coming from me, someone not used to setting boundaries, this is a difficult thing but I am slowly learning that I have to change my behavior and hope that others around me can respect that.

Thanks for your reply. So glad to see you hun

[mrb020377]

setting bounderies seems to be where i am also... I have learned alot about myself in the last few years.. and the more i learn and realize why i would do the things i would do... the more i realize i have to set bounderies and stick with them... i too used to be the one that thought she had to "fix" everything.. I had to assume everyone else's responsibilities.. I no longer do that... It is harder than I first thought it would be, but it feels good not to have that stress and worry.

(((((((((((((((((jen)))))))))))))))))))))

so proud of you!!!!!

[Lexicon78]

I don't always tell people things and am a "fixer" myself. On a rare occasion I will set boundaries and say what bothers me.

I think doing what you did was a very courageous thing and it took a lot of strength and willpower to do it.

Way to go!

[Merlin]

Congrats Jen.

To all you fixers out there, some people don't want/need to be fixed. I've had to set boundries with the many fixers in my life, for my own sanity.

[jmo531]

((((((((((((((((((((((Mel, Lex, L & D )))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you for your responses. I find it interesting that so many of us are "fixers". I personally beleive that this trait comes from past abuse, weather emotionally, physically or whatever. We try so hard to make everyone around us feel safe and comfortable, all the while ignoring are own needs.
Learning to set boundaries is difficult. Not only do we have to condition ourself to do it, others around us, who arnt used to us "taking a stand" want to resist the changes that we are making. Staying strong is key. Although, it is difficult. I think all of us are strong enough to handle it.

Good luck to you guys in setting your boundaries. Thanks for your replies.

Huggles and love,


Jen