For better or worse...?

So, I'm a depressive, possibly BP, married to my husband since 2010, known each other since 2004.
Lately I've had a really hard time with a very painful kidney stone and coming off of the antidepressant: Paxil because of major sleep disturbance & possible cause of the stone. I have been more or less housebound since March 20 (kidney stone time)
During this time, I've mostly felt that my husband is totally freaked and overwhelmed by these problems, and simply doesn't know what to do with me and my sicknesses. The only thing he can think to do to "support" me is to bring me different foods, trying to make me eat, blaming my feelings on bad eating habits. I am pushing myself as hard as I can to eat and drink enough, but my strained/blocked kidneys create a constant nausea that makes eating the Last thing I want to do...and then he gets mad because, "It's my fault for not taking better care of myself."
I recognize that in my depressive/ BP state, I am operating with a negative mindset, and I am less able to contain the negative or critical thoughts that pop into my mind and out my mouth...but I am admitting that readily to him and apologizing when the Nasty pops out...
and now, for the last few days, he seems to hate everything that I say. He gets very easily frustrated and angry at the smallest things. He refuses to talk to me about anything meaningful or deep...including these issues I'm outlining here. All he says is, "I just want to relax. I don't want to talk about this $h!+ right now. We shouldn't be talking about this stuff until your mind is back to normal." perhaps he's right? But mostly it makes me feel very alone and very crazy, and very unloved
I took my vows seriously; for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health...is it too much for me to expect his support in my time of weakness? After today I feel pretty strongly that I should leave and stay with friends for a little bit so he can get a break from me and I can stop feeling his contempt and frustration at me....but that's just running away perhaps? Idk what to do. I feel trapped and hated, and for a sick SU depressive, these are not good feelings for me

I don't think he's right but maybe that sounds too judgmental. This seems like exactly the time you two should be talking about these things.
It could be that he is under stress and needs a little time to adjust to all this.
Did you bring up the possibility of a short break with him? Maybe he needs to think about that possibility to shake him up.
Your vows are serious but you might need to put yourself first here.

I think he's being a BIG BABY. Have you asked him to put HIMSELF in your shoes? What would happen if HE was sick? Would HE want you to leave because you were too overwhelmed with his whining? Men DO whine when they're sick, in case he's forgotten!! They get a cold or the flu, and you'd think they were dying!

Yes, he IS forgetting that he took those vows! In sickness or health! Ask him what those words mean to him!! And MAKE him answer that too! What you're suffering from is a very PAINFUL ailment and it's too bad HE can't experience it for a few minutes so he'd better understand what you're going thru. Does he think you're putting this on or something? This makes me SO mad (I'm sure you can tell) LOL

I'm a chronic pain patient, and stuff like this infuriates me. I hope to blazes that he wakes up --- there may come a day when HE gets sick and no one will want to hear HIM complain. What goes around comes around.

Best of luck to you dearheart -- my prayers are with you. Hugs, Lee

Yes, ironically he came down with a 24 hour flu yesterday morning...and I was taking care of him
When he is sick or in pain...all I want to do is take care of him and help him feel better. Taking care of him yesterday actually helped me distract myself from my depression for a bit. I LIKE taking care of my husband...
Is it a man/ woman thing? Women ARE raised to be more nurturing (motherly), and not many men get the same education, or are even expected to ever "mother" anyone...not even themselves.
But, I am his wife, NOT his mother, and I always thought spouses support and take care of each other? Or is that just an idealized myth about marriage?

The idea of a break kind of struck home with me, but not in a negative way. I'm currently in a very bad depressive episode, and my poor fiance is working full time, going to school to get his masters, and still trying to take care of me. I know I lucked out when I got someone so nurturing as he is; he's constantly taking care of me. But I went to the county mental health center, and they talked about a place where I could go and stay for 24 hours or maybe a few days if I'm ever feeling super unsafe, or, at the very least, I want to give my fiance a break. So maybe a short stay some where else wouldn't be the end of the world. Maybe you'd both get some much needed peace and destress a little. But do use it as a tool to heal, not as a punishment.

I know I don't have a painful physical illness going on to complicate things, but to me, it sounds like he's doing the best he knows how. He probably wasn't taught how to be nurturing (god knows where my fiance learned it... His mother isn't exactly nurturing herself...). Maybe he just doesn't know how to take care of you in the way you need to be taken care of right now. I definitely understand how you taking care of him for a little while takes your mind off your depression. Have you tried sitting him down and explaining what is helpful and what isn't? Maybe think of specific things he can do that would make you feel more comfortable. I hate the feeling of having to tell him what to do because for some reason, in my mind, it makes me feel like he's only doing it because I told him too. This truly isn't the case at all -- he simply wouldn't know what to do unless I told him.

I don't think spouses supporting each other is an idealized myth. I think you just have to give him the tools he needs to be supportive to you in the way you need and want him to be. The true test will be whether or not he is able to take what you're telling him and put it into practice. At the same time, you can't expect great changes overnight. I think with patience, communcation, and understanding, you two can be the supportive spouses you both need.

I hope I didn't come off as belittling or making it seem like it's all your fault. I don't believe it is at all. I don't really think there is anyone to blame. I hope this could just be a starting place to get you guys out of what appears to be a little bit of a rut. I'm sorry if I was at all offensive.

Good luck!!

It's possible he may need the tools, but if he's an adult at all, these should come automatically! Common sense should tell him that you need some help! Just like YOU took care of HIM and supported HIM, the same should be true for YOU.

I still think he's being a big baby. He seems like a selfish little boy to me. It's like it's all about him. My ex was like that. When HE got sick, good Lord you'd think he had a terminal illness. But when I had spinal surgery and the only place that was comfortable to lay down was on the floor -- he would just walk over me (I wasn't in the middle of the room, mind you) . And would he bring me a meal or a drink? Heck no!! I'd have to crawl to a couch to try to get up & hobble to the kitchen and COOK.

So you're not alone. There's lots of guys like that "out there." God bless & please take care. Hugs, Lee

Thank you all for the advice. I didn't want to put the "taking a break" thing forward as a threat, to scare him into treating me better, but I felt the need to escape so badly and a couple of my friends who live 1, 3, & 7 hrs. away invited me to come stay with them (so lovely when friends step up and offer their support!), so last night I very calmly and kindly suggested perhaps I could visit these friends and give us a break from each other. He initially reacted by getting tense and then sad, because he gets worried when I "take off", and then he explained that the idea of me leaving was upsetting because the reason he's been so off lately with me is because he feels we're not connecting and spending quality time together lately.
From there, we continued to find out more about the misconceptions and confusions we were both holding inside, and we gradually realized that in this time of intense stress, we had both put up our impenetrable defense walls, and had fallen back into the aggressive, protective hardness that we both resort to under stress; a habit picked up from a lifetime of emotional & physical abuse and neglect (by our families).
He apologized and I apologized, we both cried, and we agreed to actively fight the urge to build walls against each other; to try and always hold in our minds that we ARE ON THE SAME TEAM! and I agreed to stay.
Already, today was better. Even when he got a little stressed and pissy about the power bill, I just recognized that he was having a stress response, totally unrelated to me or anything I had done, and waited out the pissiness until he ate breakfast and felt better...apologizing for "being pissy at me."
He is childlike in a lot of ways, and an upbringing in an abusive, alcoholic, and at times homeless family has limited his resources for learning how to care for others, but he has a heart of gold and his frustrated "tantrums" are almost always a projecting response to his own feelings of insecurity.
He talked to me, he listened to me, and we worked through a lot...I couldn't have done it without all of your advice though. Thank you all so much, I can't get over how great u folks are here on PC

Finally really decided I had to get out. Am staying at least the night at a hostel...and possibly going to see a friend after that. Now it's just become a matter of: I'm physically sick, mentally sensitive & weak atm, and I think it's unhealthy for me to stick around the outbursts and insults and anger. Starting to feel like a real dumb^$$ for ignoring the lesson of my parents and believing that a good man could stay good and a depressed woman could be a good wife. Fml atm

Hogwash. We are not birds with a built in compass or other instinctual guides. If he's a product of an environment where these tools were not taught or not available, then to expect him to have them automatically is judgmental and a recipe for failure.

Hey Lightning Man -- All I meant is that if he CARES for his wife, he should know instinctively that she's SICK and needs some help. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to know that. A little kindness goes a long way. He's NOT a caveman afterall.

There is a tremendous amount of judgment and supposition there. If she is good at masking her illness, then he could very well care and not know that she's sick and needs some help. If someone wants help they should ask, and certainly should not expect others to instinctively know they need help.

Having dated a few people who expected an instinctual understanding of themselves and then came to that same misguided conclusion (that I didn't care because I didn't instinctively know they needed something from me), I have dedicated myself to speaking out against that kind of thinking.

People, especially men, are not mind readers. And expecting instincts on learned behaviors that may be different across cultures is mind reading of the first order.

Lightning, what am i thinking right now?

just to be clear, I tell my husband exactly how I feel, I ask for his help when I need it, and I include him in all my medical updates and appointments. I agree that it is not possible for many men to fill a caretaker role, because they were never taught to do so, especially my husband: the prodigal son in a family of girls...but I don't think it's too obscure to expect him to not verbally abuse me while I'm sitting on the toilet and vomiting into a tub on my lap...sorry for being crass...but right now, my life is crass

KeepGoing, by no means am I defending your husband or his actions specifically and I hope you understand that.

KeepGoing, I'm very sorry this is happening. I hope you are able to find a safe place to get some much needed rest and relaxation. I'm sorry I don't have any more advice for you. Just sending you warm, safe thoughts.

Please take care of you!