[LadyShadow]

Hello!

I was just wondering do you have any old friends that want nothing to do with you? I mean through no fault of your own? I had a close friend that I met in therapy and we spent a lot of time together years ago and used to help each other out. We even attended school together at one point - I used to pick her up from her house (she lives very close to me) and take her to school with me.

Now today my therapist tells me she is very adamant about me "not" contacting her. I told my therapist I would sent her an email to see how she was doing and he told her and she got very upset. She said "no no no don't tell her to contact me".

I mean what did I do that was so wrong? I mean things are going good for me. I graduated school, I have a wonderful boyfriend and I have a part-time job now. I feel accomplished after going through so much and as someone who went through as much as we did together in therapy, wouldn't she feel happy for me?

I guess I know the answer. He told me she is having some hard times. But she knows me. I am the type of person that is willing to help anyone, especially my friend. I feel bad. As if I am a leper or something. I hardly have any real life friends, and we were very close. I feel very bad. I never did anything wrong to her. Ever. Has this ever happened to anyone?

[PsychiatricEnigma]

From what you've written, it could actually be envy that you've managed to move on so well with your life and she hasn't, she may feel that keeping you as a friend might actually be bad for her nowadays? I'm not saying this definitely is the case, but it sounds like it. Also when your life has picked up she may have perceived at some point (falsely possibly) that you might have abandoned her and now she is wanting you to stay away. Just guesswork from what you've written. I do hope something sorts out between you two, I know what it's like to feel abandoned by people you think are your close friends, but sometimes the answer is innocent.

[LadyShadow]

Thanks for that. She actually emailed me a while back and said she was really happy and everything was going great for her. That was back in January. She said she had gotten married and her and the hubby were going house hunting. I found out from my therapist that it was all made up and one big lie. I didn't even care that she lied though. I mean she must have been really low to make that up. but I don't begrudge her. She had her reasons for it. I just valued her friendship and we could have worked through it. I could have looked past all that.

I think you are right though. Thanks for your input. She must have known that I found out she lied and is embarrassed about it too. But what kills me is she KNOWS me. I don't care about who has what. or who is married to who. I just cared for HER. I guess I am just needing some real life friends. That's all. But thanks so much for posting,

[gma45]

I don't think it was anything you did. She sounds like she is ashamed of herself and doesn't want you to see her so down when things are going so good for you. She may feel bad that you have made it and she hasn't yet. Can you write her a nice note to let her know that you care for her unconditionally? It might work to break the ice so she will know that it doesn't matter what is going on you still want to be friends. At least you tried if she doesn't respond that is her loss. I wish you the best.

[Fuzzybear]

[Fuzzybear]

[Perna]

I have a friend like that who I helped but has moved on, is doing her own thing. I think the other person has reasons of their own that we don't/can't know, it's not about us. That we don't care if they lie or owe us money, etc., they do care, even if we just enjoy being with them; if they don't enjoy themselves enough, they can't very easily be with other people they feel they are in their debt to in some way or that know something about them they wish weren't true.

[LadyShadow]

Just an update to all who have ever participated in this thread. I ran into her this Christmas at the therapy office. I hugged her and wished her a Merry Christmas, She had ignored me as usual, but I went out of my way to be nice to her. I was dressed up all in red and feeling good today and I would not her negativity bring me down. She may hate me now even more. But that can't be helped. I feel awkward a bit, but it really warmed my heart to hug her. The way she looked at me when I left looked disheveled and lost, like I just shook her world.

I had no idea the impact I could make on people.

Users on PC don't believe me when I say things like this but the truth is that most of my friends have either stopped talking to me or will in the near future. (Of course, all the friends I do have are Internet friends, because I have none left in real life.) Loneliness is such an issue for me because I really have almost no one in my life. People either never like me or do like me and eventually don't. Now I don't trust people when they tell me they love me or similar statements because you stop believing them when they always leave you. It doesn't upset me as much because I am so used to it now. I am incredibly lonely but I have little hope that will ever change.

[optimize990h]

Originally Posted by Mr. Venomous

Users on PC don't believe me when I say things like this but the truth is that most of my friends have either stopped talking to me or will in the near future. (Of course, all the friends I do have are Internet friends, because I have none left in real life.) Loneliness is such an issue for me because I really have almost no one in my life. People either never like me or do like me and eventually don't. Now I don't trust people when they tell me they love me or similar statements because you stop believing them when they always leave you. It doesn't upset me as much because I am so used to it now. I am incredibly lonely but I have little hope that will ever change.

Mr V I am in the same situation as you. The closest friends r on the Internet. My closest friend in real life is a cockatiel and an old cat who thinks she is my spouse(jealous of other females).

[Miss Laura]

Hey there,

I have several 'ex friends' who were like that. I got very angry and upset about them 'dissing' me...... Now I am glad they are not n my life as they were doing me no favours me hanging on thinking they would come back to me etc.

Maybe it's a positive thing for you?

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by Miss Laura

Hey there,

I have several 'ex friends' who were like that. I got very angry and upset about them 'dissing' me...... Now I am glad they are not n my life as they were doing me no favours me hanging on thinking they would come back to me etc.

Maybe it's a positive thing for you?

I think its a positive thing for me. I learned to let her go a long time ago and seeing her this Christmas and being the better person really put things in perspective for me. It was good closure for me and I have learned to move on since then and especially now.

I, (like the last two posters) also have a lot more internet friends than real life friends right now in my life and I am perfectly ok with that,

[ladytiger]

mine deserted me long time ago because of my family and still blame me for it. i dont know why the therapist is telling you things of what ur friend said blah blah its like why is he the mediator? why cant the friend just tell u honestly? are you two sitting in the same office with him/her? is this like a group therapy?

[Nobodyandnothing]

I don't think you are the problem. I can understand your friend. I have completely severed relationships with all my friends and aquaintances. I am so severely depressed that I am no longer the same person they knew, and to be with them, or communicate with them in any way just hurts too bad and reminds me about everything I have lost. So there is no one in my life.

[ElJamo]

Originally Posted by Mr. Venomous

Users on PC don't believe me when I say things like this but the truth is that most of my friends have either stopped talking to me or will in the near future. (Of course, all the friends I do have are Internet friends, because I have none left in real life.) Loneliness is such an issue for me because I really have almost no one in my life. People either never like me or do like me and eventually don't. Now I don't trust people when they tell me they love me or similar statements because you stop believing them when they always leave you. It doesn't upset me as much because I am so used to it now. I am incredibly lonely but I have little hope that will ever change.

Personally dude, in my experience the attitude will affect what you perceive.
In your case you seem to be victimizing yourself. While I cannot say this would apply to all of your relationships, I am sure you have some family to fall back on. Get active in your community and put on a happy face! For me I was able to do this by participating in a local cycling club, volunteering for the Obama Campaign, and going to mental health related meetings. While I you may not find a soul mate you may definitely make some friends!
There's always more out there than you might think.

Originally Posted by ElJamo

Personally dude, in my experience the attitude will affect what you perceive.
In your case you seem to be victimizing yourself. While I cannot say this would apply to all of your relationships, I am sure you have some family to fall back on. Get active in your community and put on a happy face! For me I was able to do this by participating in a local cycling club, volunteering for the Obama Campaign, and going to mental health related meetings. While I you may not find a soul mate you may definitely make some friends!
There's always more out there than you might think.

Whenever I express feelings of frustration or depression about the issues I have with relationships in my life, the responses I receive are exactly the same as this one, and it's because of this why I no longer make threads about relationship issues on PC. Indeed, I have likely responded to at least a dozen posts identical to this one. Although I understand that it is an Internet forum, the fact that all the advice is based on assumptions doesn't help me, therefore I come here strictly to vent when I am feeling worse than usual. When I need advice relevant to my situation in life I talk to my T and those that know me better.

In your case you seem to be victimizing yourself. While I cannot say this would apply to all of your relationships, I am sure you have some family to fall back on.

Actually, no, I don't have family to 'fall back on,' despite how hard it is for people to understand that. People that are unaware of my family history can't comprehend how twisted and hateful my family is. Frankly, I am not interested in writing about all the police interventions, abuse, theft, attempted murder and actual murder, suicides, and all the other exciting features of my family here in this thread; I've done it enough times on PC. Suffice it to say that I don't have family to fall back on.

Get active in your community

Who's to say I am not already 'active in the community'? Again it's an assumption because I am a member of a federal political party that meets every month, two non-profit organizations, a political youth organization, I write for a national publication, I donate blood, I attend a mental health support group, and I have attended numerous rallies and done many hours of volunteer, political work. Additionally, in 2013 I hope that I will be among the 10, 000 youth activists from around the world in Ecuador. People assume I sit on the computer and complain all day but I do have a fairly busy life being active in causes and with organizations.

But here's what is unbelievable: virtually no one is close to my age. I am 21 years old and none of those that are active where I am are under the age of 50, with many closer to 70, which isn't entirely bad, but does make it a little difficult to make friends with them. Readers will be thinking, "How can that be?" and there is a simple explanation: the causes I am active with are not attractive to youth, and the political party I am a member of is a little different than what people think. I won't talk about it because I receive enough hate mail as it is and have been attacked for it on PC, but it would be an understatement to say that the membership is small, with about 300 members in a nation of 35 million. It's because of the low membership that the political youth organization doesn't exist where I live.

Moreover, it confuses me when people talk about clubs and interests as the best way to make friends, because as I said to my T some of the most horrible and miserable people I have met are those that share the same interests as me. Take the interest I have in tarantulas - I won't use a website for tarantula keepers. Whenever I have there was so many insults, threats, attacks, hate mail, and flame wars that I couldn't tolerate it. Many of my other interests are not that different. You would be surprised at the amount of harassment and anger I have experienced while attempting to connect with those of the same interests. They're not isolated incidents. Once a man thanked me because he needed help with caring for a centipede he recently bought and of the 30 or so responses I was the ONLY one that answered his question without insulting him. At chess clubs physical fights have broken out over games too.

All I am saying is that being around others with similar interests is not the jackpot of friendship that it's made out to be.

A second issue I have with being social is the challenge of transportation. Unfortunately, I live about 2 hours (round trip) from the nearest urban centre, and I am in such a rural area that there is neither cell phone reception nor high-speed internet. (I use a 30+ foot tower and a satellite for Internet.) Unless I have a specific reason to make the trip to the city, I can't afford to drive there too much hoping to socialize with people. I can't walk outside and think, "I will visit [insert place here] and see if I can meet someone," whenever I feel like it.

It's a little more complicated for me than simply smiling and finding those with similar interests (not that many people share my interests anyhow). I've done 9 years of therapy and 5 years of speech therapy (hard to make friends when you can't communicate well!) to feel better about myself. Although I do try to make friends and be active socially, at some point the other person has to meet me somewhere, because it takes 'two to tango.' All the driving, therapy, smiling, and socializing won't make a difference unless someone else I meet would like to be friends too.

I am doing the best I can. The fact that it's not good enough for anyone else is out of my control.

[RocketGurl]

I really really understand.. when others don't have a clue to include you, invite you, extend a small friendship it really hurts and makes you feel there is something wrong with you...which can't be true. I am tired of developing and investing in a friendship all year only to be left out, and not invited on Christmas.. long story but this new woman friend just doesn't have it in her to think of me when she knew I am alone, with some scary medical issues to deal with . I need to choose warmer people.

but I put myself out there and tried for 7 months, hoping for the best to happen,(and not force it to happen, it was an experiment in a way) now she is sending a guilt ridden email since I am not writing my ususal chatty ones to her. It is not OK to get what I call Benign Neglect, instead of real friendship.

I wish I could gather up us "odd-one" folks and have a merry blast...we deserve it. I too will continue my online contacts

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by ladytiger

mine deserted me long time ago because of my family and still blame me for it. i dont know why the therapist is telling you things of what ur friend said blah blah its like why is he the mediator? why cant the friend just tell u honestly? are you two sitting in the same office with him/her? is this like a group therapy?

I know my T tries and avoids the topics of her now, he always says "I can't really talk about her situation" but he gives me tid bits on how she is doing, He is only playing mediator because I am sort of asking him too, mainly because I am curious about her.

We sit in the same waiting room sometimes. We used to be in group therapy together 6 years ago, We were close friends during that time, then she cut off all communication.

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by RocketGurl

I really really understand.. when others don't have a clue to include you, invite you, extend a small friendship it really hurts and makes you feel there is something wrong with you...which can't be true. I am tired of developing and investing in a friendship all year only to be left out, and not invited on Christmas.. long story but this new woman friend just doesn't have it in her to think of me when she knew I am alone, with some scary medical issues to deal with . I need to choose warmer people.

but I put myself out there and tried for 7 months, hoping for the best to happen,(and not force it to happen, it was an experiment in a way) now she is sending a guilt ridden email since I am not writing my ususal chatty ones to her. It is not OK to get what I call Benign Neglect, instead of real friendship.

I wish I could gather up us "odd-one" folks and have a merry blast...we deserve it. I too will continue my online contacts

I wish we could! All of our oddball eccentricities together in one room would be a blast!