Help help help......

Ok guys, this one is going to be long. There's a guy in my meetings, and on the service committee I'm on. A few weeks ago at a birthday party we were talking and it came out that we both have an irrational fear of deep water. Through our talking, we've learned more and more that we have in common, uncanny things that we have in common. Cool right? Well, I was just trying to play it off...because he's in a relationship. He's in a very unhappy relationship. A relationship of convenience, because there's 2 kids involved. It's the old classic, staying together for the kids even though you're miserable with each other. The woman is a "normie" meaning non-alcoholic. He's coming up on 2 years sober. She's very resentful of all the time he spends on his sobriety, working the program, working with others, etc. Supportive of his staying sober, but not exactly supportive in what is required of that.....time and time and again they've had "the talk". Him telling her what he needs, how things need to change etc. Nothing ever changes but he hasn't had the courage to leave. One of the kids is his and the other is both of theirs. She favours the one that's hers...the first kid he had at 18 and the mother disappeared, so he's raised the first kid all alone. So....that's the background. We started talking online and sending texts messages back and forth, and I was just playing it off as making good friends. We discovered we even graduated the same high school the same year...but never knew each other. I started thinking back and noticing how I was drawn to him after meetings, thinking he was just a friend on the committee. Well...things have progressed. We're falling in love. We haven't done anything....just spent a lot of time together, talking, it's amazing how we relate to one another....I have NEVER felt this way, NEVER felt like I've waiting my whole life for this one person. He touches my hand and I feel it through my whole body. He finishes my sentances. He looks at me and knows what I'm thinking. I cannot describe to you how this feels. I've thought I was in love before, but now I KNOW. I feel absolutely complete when he's just near me. I feel lost when he's not around. Through our talks, he's realized that it's time to have another talk with her....he's realized that she'll never "get" him the way I do, because she's not an alcoholic. She can be supportive until she's blue in the face, but she'll never "get" it. So, as I type this, they're having "the talk". I have no idea what the outcome will be. All I know is that I want him to be happy about whatever happens...we've both talked to our sponsers, we both have a conscious contact with our Higher Power, I know that we'll be ok with whatever happens....but it HURTS SO MUCH.....we said goodbye today after talking some more and we knew it was the last time we'd see each other in the way it's been. Either he'll decide to leave and we can see what progresses, or they'll try and work on it yet again, and he and I will have an amazing friendship, and never ever forget this experience. He's taught me what it feels like to find that person....that person I've always wondered about, laying in bed thinking "what is "he" doing...who is "he"....".....now I know....what we have and what we have experienced is such a gift that niether of us will ever forget. So now I'm waiting. I'm waiting to see what God has in store for us. True love realized and relished, or true love realized and held back.....you know how they say you just "know"? I never understood that, because I never just "knew". Wow.....you really do just "know". I had to post this here. My pride was trying to keep from telling you guys this because I'm so afraid that you'll think I'm terrible. I didn't set out to fall in love with someone who has a life with someone else. I know in my heart that I am not the reason his life might make a drastic change. I was the catalyst, the trigger, the push. Of course I want it to work out in my favor, but at the same time I want them to work it out! Anyway....now I'm just waiting. Trying to clean up my apartment, watching romance movies on TBS. And going crazy....all I know for sure is that I trust in God, and I'm not gonna drink over this. Has anyone been through anything like this? Can you give me words of wisdom? I'm gonna post this in the Alcohol/Substance Abuse forum, but it fits here as well...and I need all the help I can get. Thanks in advance.

~Rayna

(((Rayna)))) I'm glad you were able to post about this. Keeping all that inside when you really don't have to (we are anonymous here) would be difficult.

It's common to "fall" for someone who cares and understands. (Note so many patients desiring their Ts.) It's a natural inclination, imo. When you haven't had a good life full of love and respect, it's easy to fall for anything that even remotely resembles "love."

I think there's plenty more here, and behind the scenes in his marriage, than anyone can see.

Now here's the tough love: this guy doesn't deserve you. He couldn't take a step he thinks he needs to make, without having a "back-up" (YOU) ?????? He still needs a crutch.

It sounds like you are both trying to "do the right thing." IMO, you need to leave "the scene" for a long time (a year or two.) THEN if you both meet again and are unemcumbered, it might work out.

If you "need" him that much, then you haven't become a "whole" person on your own yet... why not take a bit more time for yourself?

TC...

I don't think you are terrible you sound smitten..I sometimes take flack in here because I am not 100% against being involved with a married man...BUT DO YOU KNOW what he said on his wife is TRUE or just his take..Do you have a sponser to bounce this off of....You could hurt his wife and kids and thats I think against some step BUT all that crap aside..sometimes its just RIGHT and when it is....one has to GO FOR IT but know...it may be a time limited thing...can you do that ?

Both of you have made points that we've both discussed and considered. Oh, and they're not married. Yes, I have a sponsor and so does he, and we've both talked to them. The fact that I might be cause of hurt in all of this is something I have addressed in the steps. And so has he. We've also decided that if they do split up, we will not jump right into a relationship. We both understand that there is a lot of growing that has to be done on both sides. What it's boiling down to right now is what Sleeps said, "sometimes its just RIGHT and when it is....one has to GO FOR IT but know...it may be a time limited thing...can you do that ?" We know that we have all the time in the world to learn more....and we plan on taking all the time in the world. We've both definetly done the work, done the thinking, done the praying, done the writing etc. Ahhh, life is crazy!

True, it can be! I admired your efforts in this. Is he talking marriage with you, or does he want "just" another relationship?

Haha, no. Definetly not talking that far into the future.

PS-we've both been married before. Don't either one of us are too keen on the idea of doing it again.

I hope you get that piece of the pie you so deserve...listen to a lot of love songs too....ahhh love is such a HIGH it really is

hugs

It's not giving me a "high" per se. If it were like that, I would be worried, as us alcoholics tend to try to achieve that in anyway we can. It's more a full warm feeling....

Can you be just friends then? Regardless of what he decides about his partner?

We will be. We have been. But it still feels like sneaking around and we hate that. But if he does leave, it will be a slow process of learning more about each other and seeing what develops.

Any news???

Never fcuk with someone else's man. I have been on both sides of the fence and I have never seen it work out pretty for ANYONE involved.

If you can chill till he has sorted it with his woman - more power to you.

No one can help who they are ATTRACTED to. But everyone has control of their actions (whether it is sleeping with someone or consuming too much alcohol). It's your CHOICE. So I hope that you can give his partner enough respect that they can end it gracefully. I strongly believe that what goes around comes around. Doing the right thing now might mean that you guys can make a go of it together in the future.

good luck.

Thanks guys! They have talked and are putting an end to things. He and I are taking it easy until the split is complete. Thanks so much for the advice and support!

I wish you all the best babe.

kia kaha - be strong.

x