Am I abusive???

I am lost I don't know how to handle this... I didn't make a new thread because I can't retype all this story...

He says I chose his mom over him, but I didn't choose her. I don't defend what he's doing because he's wrong, not because I don't love him or support him as a person. I just dis agree with his actions. His mom wants to move out, which I think she should because certain things are causing a huge rift in the relationship with my husband. But she is disabled and only makes $800 a month, so I don't think she can leave unless someone else takes her in. But there is no one to take her. She's used up all her welcome with friends and other family.

The things causing the rift are :
1) He hates her and I don't know why but doesn't want to resolve the issue or make up with her.
2) She always asks me to pick up cigarettes for her (with her money until she runs out then asks for me to get them and pays me back when she gets paid.)
3) When she had no money I get her medicine (which is $10) but wouldn't get his game which was $50, although I did end up getting it and waiting on a bill. He says I am her hero to the rescue but not his (he only had to wait 7 days....)
4) She cleaned up all her stuff and I cried because the house was back to normal. He says I didn't do the same when he cleaned the house after the baby was born. But I did. I did cry. He says I just said "Didn't daddy do a good job?" When we got home from the hospital. But then I was crying because the house was so nice.... but he doesn't remember.

Now, I don't like getting her cigarettes. But, she watches our son for free all day, and when I tell her I'm not going to get her cigarettes she gets very angry. She also has bipolar. She will say she's treated like a servant and no one ever takes care of her and her family always turns on her, etc. I can't handle it. Not only that, but because my husband is all locked up in his office, I get to sit out there with her snarling at me all evening after I return from work.

Well anyway, I don't know what to do. I've been leaving him alone because I know his angry treatment to his mom and me and his issue with the games, etc. is wrong. So I won't defend what I think is wrong... But now he's cut me off completely emotionally. And I know the reason he is still home is he has no where to go, and he hasn't said he's going anywhere, but maybe he's just keeping it quiet until he gets a plane ticket to his dad's or something or finds a job. And I don't know what to do. How do you live in a house with someone who doesn't love you any more but you love them?

Dark_heart...could you maybe tell us a bit about why you love him, just so that we understand? Sometimes it's just not definable, but it's kind of difficult to understand continuing to love someone who treats you so poorly.

He wasn't this way before. We were partners, a team, best friends. It was only in August things changed. It was literally invasion of the body snatcher. One day normal, next day different.

He always had me laughing. We did everything together or at least both were involved in everything in one way or another. He's an amazing father, even to my oldest son who isn't his by blood. That doesn't matter to him. He used to go outside. He used to tease me because I used to stay in and he would take the boys outside to play ball in the yard. He is a natural leader and caring about others. People gravitate to him. He always was helpful and caring with strong values and beliefs.

That is why I got so lost and confused by all of this... because a year ago I would have laughed in anyone's face who could tell me he would change like that.

But he texted me a while ago, saying he doesn't understand why I've changed. He says he feels like I'm lost. I told him I'm going to see the therapist. It's a relationship therapist. Maybe he will come with me... I don't know... All I know is I want my husband back. my real husband, who I think texted me today. Not that other person who is in his head and takes over him....

I think you are in NO WAY abusive to your husband, if anything it sounds like he is emotionally abusive to you, neglect is a form of abuse.

Wow, it does sound as if he's changed. Has he had a full medical check up recently? It really does sound as if you're talking about two different people. It may also be that he's fallen into this mode due to his mother's living with the two of you; there may be some past issues between them (abuse?) that you don't even know about. I can understand your not wanting to leave when your history with him was not always so bad but see the therapist at least to learn to manage the stress inside the home for now. You may still end up leaving, but it will give you the strength/resolve to handle such a big move if it ever comes.

I do think his mom being there is effecting our relationship. I don't think that's what started it. But I think things were starting to mend, thens he moved in and he receeded again... I don't know what happened. I do think he needs to see a doctor, though.