[beautifuldreamer]

My father, recently deceased, was diagnosed manic depressive as a teenager and chose never to medicate or seek therapy. At age 73, he had a breakdown, was hospitalized and rediagnosed as bipolar 2, and was medicated and doing reasonably well, until his death.
As an adult child of a bipolar person, what I would like to know from other bipolar 2 adults is, when you are acting poorly toward others, do you KNOW that you are?
I guess I ask because I would like to think that my father didn't know what he was doing to me (emotional abuse) when he was acting out from his disease-
rather than knowing full well what he was saying and wanting to intentionally hurt me.
Most days, I feel as if I can offer him grace and forgiveness. Days like today I think about the cruel things he said and did and feel that is WAS within his control but he wanted to be mean.
Any thoughts? Thank you in advance. I hope no one finds this post offensive in any way, that is so not my intention!!!!

Hi BD....I'm not a sufferer of bipolar but I'm compelled to say hi. Sorry to hear the about your personal strife and the rough relationship with your father. My Dad suffered from depression and a likely mood disorder when he was young as well. It was never treated and my relationship with him was strained.

I do wonder though how readily available treatment was back when these men were young. I mean it must have been limited for the most part even if one lived in a fairly major city. Services just didn't exist like today. And years ago most people, especially men, would rather anything than admit to something 'mental' That's the way it was...it's a lot better now but people still create a stigma concerning mental health. That's a sad thing.

Anyway BD, I think I've been able to cut my dad some slack. He terrified me for years but after his passing my aunts told me a little about his development as a child and young man. One aunt was a nurse for nearly 50 years and she damn well knew something was up with him. My mom died before I grew up really so I had no real way to learn much about the man. I still have my days where I curse his memory but I don't believe now he was intentionally cruel. These men were victims of the times and their illnesses just as much as we were victims thereof. Readily dependable effective treatment wasn't as simple to come by. Even today in many places, accessing proper mental health care can be a challenge. Is that fair to say?

I think it's normal to retain a hot cold love hate memory of my father. when I'm stressed I'm probably more likely to damn him but when I'm stable I just feel sorry for him and it's easier to forgive. I just had to say that. And nice to meet you too BD. I hope I've made some sense and wasn't out of line. I'm pretty tired but when I just saw you mentioning your dad I had to speak. I'm glad that like me you can feel forgiveness at times. Take care ok?

[beautifuldreamer]

Thank you for your thoughts, Q, they were very helpful.

[faerie_moon_x]

Hi, I have bipolar and i can say that i get irritated and snippy. I don't mean to be. i get aggrivated really easy sometimes and I might say something I don't mean. But I go back and appologize later. Because I'm still responsible for hurting people if I act that way.

[lad007]

I think you need to look at his life as a whole, and how he treated others. For example was he verbally or emotionally abuse with his boss, his friends, the mailman? If the answer is yes, this is how he acted all the time. It may be the BP maybe not. We all have to hold back and not say what we think at times. This is maturity, and respect for others.
If he was only abusive to you and other family members, that was a choice he made.
It is very difficult at time when bipolar people get irritable, short tempered, etc. But there are ways to deal with this, even if we have to just walk away.
I'm sorry this happened, but you can be free from it if you can practice forgiveness.
Whatever the cause of your treatment, you didn't deserve it, whether it came from an illness, or not.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by beautifuldreamer

My father, recently deceased, was diagnosed manic depressive as a teenager and chose never to medicate or seek therapy. At age 73, he had a breakdown, was hospitalized and rediagnosed as bipolar 2, and was medicated and doing reasonably well, until his death.
As an adult child of a bipolar person, what I would like to know from other bipolar 2 adults is, when you are acting poorly toward others, do you KNOW that you are?
I guess I ask because I would like to think that my father didn't know what he was doing to me (emotional abuse) when he was acting out from his disease-
rather than knowing full well what he was saying and wanting to intentionally hurt me.
Most days, I feel as if I can offer him grace and forgiveness. Days like today I think about the cruel things he said and did and feel that is WAS within his control but he wanted to be mean.
Any thoughts? Thank you in advance. I hope no one finds this post offensive in any way, that is so not my intention!!!!

Hi. You're likely to get a variety of answers. In general the abusers I have known justified being abusive because of some circumstance, perceived wrong, or other hiccup in their own lives that they tried to say gave them some sort of cosmic permission to abuse someone else. Someone who targets another for repeated abuse knows what he or she is doing insofar as deliberately choosing the same victim over and over. What I finally figured out, though, was abuse is all about the abuser, and not some failing on the victim's part, no matter how many times the abuser might say "you made me do this" or "you brought this on yourself" or "you deserved this" or "I didn't really hurt you." While I believe abusers choose their victims, a large part of the choice has to do with availability and the abuser's own sense of self-preservation. It's a lot safer for an abuser to target a child in his own household than the 250 lb neighbor who boxes as a hobby. My mother was incredibly abusive and I was her favorite victim. Yes, she was deliberately cruel, but it was deliberate cruelty from a mind that was ill. I don't have bipolar, but I'm fairly sure she did. It's been hard letting it go. But the more I let go, the better I feel. I wish you peace of mind.

[Victoria'smom]

bipolar 2 adults is, when you are acting poorly toward others, do you KNOW that you are? I have bipolar I, I'll only talk about myself. Do I realize yes and no. At times I purposefully say things for everyone to get away from me, because I'll hurt them more if not. If I'm depressed I can hear everyone laughing and "know" when I leave the room they'll be sad,I'll say something offensive. Then I don't feel I sucked all the fun out of the room. I realize it before I do it and I'm working on finding a better more less damaging way to cope.

Most times, like 80% of the time, I completely have no idea and have to rely on my husband to tell me that I'm to aggravated to deal properly with my son. The parenting / discipline usually gets handed over to the other parent when one of us are sick. Our son stays with friends/family when we both our sick.

Any thoughts? I realized my family was sick long before I was 16. I did not have ill feelings towards them. I was mad that they did not get help even after their child asked them for the whole family to get an evaluation. I NEVER wanted to be like my parents. I try very hard not to be like them. I've seen the effects of denial of your actions and how much it hurts others. I hope my child one day realized how much I've tried and makes less mistakes then I have with his children.

[beautifuldreamer]

"If he was only abusive to you and other family members, that was a choice he made".

Thank you very much for this. My father actually had great restraint when it came to "outsiders" like his boss, landlord, etc. He was only abusive to my mother, and to me.
He was a loving man, but had terrible moments. I appreciate your thoughts on this.

[beautifuldreamer]

"What I finally figured out, though, was abuse is all about the abuser, and not some failing on the victim's part, no matter how many times the abuser might say "you made me do this" or "you brought this on yourself" or "you deserved this" or "I didn't really hurt you." While I believe abusers choose their victims, a large part of the choice has to do with availability and the abuser's own sense of self-preservation".

Thank you SO MUCH! That was incredibly well said. I appreciate it.

[SunAngel]

I am BP1, not 2, and I cannot help my moods. My husband knows when to stay away from me. I know I have hurt him terribly with my moods when I am unstable, but he understands that it is the illness, not me. He knows my heart, the real me, and I would never purposely hurt him.

However, I have learned coping strategies to deal with my triggers through therapy and have not hurt him in a very long time.

My dad was also an undiagnosed, unmedicated BP1 and he made life a living hell for us, but he has passed away and I choose not to remember those parts of him because I know he couldn't help it.

It is very difficult to let go of hurts brought on by your parents. My mom hurt me a whole lot and has passed away. I have tried to forgive her, but I still cannot forget, so I know exactly where you are coming from with regards to feeling the hurt brought on by your dad.