Seeking advice/input on relationships in general

Hi, first I would like to say that nothing about to be said is in the romantic or sexual sense, it's really just in general.

Lately I have been feeling very down over two different things involving relationships. I find this somewhat odd because they have never bothered me before. Given that I don't know too much about relationships, I am posting here hoping for some general input.

First, that I have, and never really had a "core group" of friends. I never really seem to fit in with groups, they always seem already established and it seems almost impossible to break in. I have tried, but consistently my status is that I am a "cool" person, yet always on the outside. Then something happens or developes and I just feel plain alienated. Lately this has just made me feel bad, like a misfit I guess.

Second, I DO have friends... yet... it feels like they always have higher ranking friends that take priority over myself. Now I understand that if you have known someone for several years obviously you have a more in depth relationship and perhaps obligation to them. I understand this, yet I feel bad when people I know just ditch me for their "higher ranking" friends, or when I have just done a lot for someone to hear them just talk about their other friends... I don't really understand, it never bothered me before.

Another part of the whole friends thing, a lot of the people I call my friends, they usually come to me when they need advice or a shoulder to cry on. I am not bothered by this at all, in fact I feel honored. Yet, it seems like that's the only time they approach me, when they need someone to vent to, when they want to feel loved, when something bad has happened. After that time has passed, they seem to go back to their "higher ranking" friends. Lately this has just made me feel bad, like cheap, I guess. It makes me question the nature of my relationships. It makes me think that how they think/talk about our relationship is simply token. To be fair I have a very untrusting fearful nature, not sure how that plays into it.

A part I was confused about was, what do I WANT from people? After some deep thinking, I truly believe I just want people to like and respect me on the same level I like and respect them. I would like close friends I can share with and in turn have them feel they can share with me, ect.

Another thing, not trying to be dramatic or anything, but most, if not all things or people I have ever put effort into don't work out. Things are destroyed, people reject, betray, abandon or leave. Because of that I guess I worry about relationships, seeing as I haven't really had any that last over a year, maybe two that have lasted over 3 years, and last night one of them told me he didn't even know why he still talks to me.

But it's true, everything in life has always come out broken, sometimes it makes me feel like I should just give up. I know that's stupid thinking but sometimes it's how I feel.

Anyway, thanks to anyone who reads this, I didn't mean to be dramatic or overly whiny, any thoughts or input is appreciated.

Hi. Could be that these "friends believe that you are, shall I say...without need of any sort. They haven't a clue that u have the same needs that they have. Just debating myself. What do you think in your heart?

(((((casaubon)))))

Have you been reaching into my head? You sound exactly like me! In high school everyone loved me, or so they said, but I never fit in anywhere. Years later, at 27, I still don't fit in anywhere.

Sure, I have a few friends, but it seems that as long as I act like them, hide some things from them, and go with the flow, they are good friends. But as far as a true friend who completely accepts me for who and what I am...that's very rare. And to have someone understand me at all? Impossible. I have one friend that I believe really accepts every aspect of me, and I don't even know this person in real life! It's someone I recently met online.

I, too, have trust issues and am always waiting for the moment for everyone to just up and leave me, as this is just what people do. I think the only friend we will ever have that is everything we want them to be is ourselves, sad as it may be. But we are also our worst enemies.

Hang in there.

I can really relate to this topic. Casaubon, I'm sorry that you do not have friends in your life that treat you as you deserve to be treated. It sounds like you are someone with a lot of empathy for others (I am the same way) yet even though you are there for others, they are not there for you as they should be.

Lexicon, I can relate to what you are saying also, I have never felt like I fit in anywhere and even though I had what I thought was a close circle of friends, they would only be there when I was feeling my best and I always felt like I had to entertain them. God forbid if I showed how I truly felt, one time I was sad and upset and they just abandoned me and got angry with me.When they found out that I was hospitalized for depression, they treated me very distantly. Recently I ran into one of these people and she said, "Oh we'll call you the next time we all get together." Well that was a while ago, and no one ever called. So I understand as far as trust issues, and I tend to trust easily, but I feel that trust less and less.

I hope that we can all find a way to deal with our situations.I wish I had an answer as to why people act this way.

Hugs,
Sujin

Finally. . .I can completely relate to this. I have no need to attend class reunions because I have acquaintences but no "real" friends. I was "ditched" when my so-called friend found out I was depressed because she is upset at people for feeling down and out and feeling sorry for themselves and sleeping all the time, she can't understand why anyone would WANT to do that. Some people just do not have a clue what it is like to hurt so deep. I think that maybe you haven't found that person for you. Some people can have groups of friends and keep up with all of them. I am more of a one friend kind of person. I don't do well in groups because I am afraid of being made fun of and groups tend to pair off into cliques. I can totally relate, but don't be so hard on yourself. I always considered my mother to be my best friend, because she loved me unconditionally and she endured the same abuse I did and she could relate totally to everything I was feeling. I hope you find friends here, it may take some time, but they are here. Good luck.

I doubt I will be back on this site. I used to like going into chat, but now it's become less than enjoyable.

I have found that people are the same online as they are in the "real" world, and that cliques and rude people exist everywhere. There are some genuinely nice folks on this site though so don't despair, I'm just finding that it's not for me.

Take care everyone, and I hope you find your peace.