Too Attractive for a serious relationship?

I do too, but I am kind of a weirdo.

You do need to start on the inside. I feel like that too a lot of the time, even with my bf. I know he loves me but comments on my looks a LOT. That coupled with my eating disorder, recipe for something. People comment on my size a lot too, and it's a bad thing. It's almost like a reward for my anorexic victories.

I don't know where you start. I think you start with appreciating your own beauty with out all the add-ons, makeup and stuff. Plus the Ed thing. That must have an impact somewhere here.

I'm glad you want to help yourself, I think sometimes when we have done a lot of the work on ourselves, someone special will come along.. Someone who appreciates who we are and how we got here.

Well, I've come to the realization that women find me attractive and it's really turned me into a terrible, delusional person. It's made me treat other people (in my head) as objects, and I don't feel good at all. I would bathe in the attention of beautiful women without FEELING or UNDERSTANDING what was going on. I've become a terrible caricature of myself, and it hurts.

Here`s the thing, and I will be blunt. Sorry....the guys possibly see you as high maintenance. And if you are not being approached maybe you come across as being cold and like you think you`re "all that" which you do apparently think you are "all that" because you said you`re so attractive. And not everyone is into the Barbie look, FYI. Bottom line: perhaps many guys don`t know how to deal with high maintenance woman and if you possibly project a coldness, they especially don`t like that. If you like looking good that`s fine, just learn how to project warmth, kindness and love rather than arrogance. Because guys do pick up on that. Simply smile and say hello to guys you are attracted to, they will take it from there if they are interested.

Ps. Upon reading the thread (after I posted), sorry... I realized maybe you`re not as arrogant as I figured. But if you have self-esteem issues I`d recommend couseling, and working on ignoring folks at work who make blond jokes. Focus also on inner beauty since you have the outer beauty covered. Life shouldn`t only be about materialism and perfection. At the end of the day, genuine connections with people and authentic and healthy relationships are also very important too. Taking care of one`s looks is super important but not for obsession sake. Looking good is a part of maintaining one`s health and well being. Having the perfect shade of blond and perfect unchipped nail polish is not essential to your health. Emotional health and having good relationships is more important to your health and well being. So I hope you`ll take that into consideration. Also join activities that interest you, that is where to meet people. Maybe take a continuing education class at a college, or learn a new language. These things will help you meet people. One more thing, maybe give the dark eye make up a rest sometime and wear a sheer metalic eye shadow and wear a pink lip gloss the same shape as your lips that`s what I do. I use to be a heavy make up wearing girl but not anymore. The make up started feeling like a mask after a many years. Anyway good luck I hope you will find the right balance in life.

This might be a total guess on my part, and if i am completely wrong, feel free to tell me so. Often times when we are insecure about something, we make it our main feature, for instance, I have a friend who has extremely larger curly hair and he got made fun of a lot for it when he was younger, so now he embraces it as a big part of his personality. Perhaps the thing you should be looking at isn't why people aren't attracted to you, but why you are trying so hard to be found attractive? I'm sure you look great, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to spend time on yourself to make it that way, but there is a fine line between "I have high self esteem and confidence" and "I act like I have high self esteem and confidence, but not really because I feel naked without all the things that 'make' me have high self esteem and confidence". its food for thought. like I said, could be completely wrong. i do think it is valid to look into who you are trying to attract however, because if the people you are trying to attract are intimidated by how perfectionist your look is, than they probably won't approach you. again, all simply food for thought.

Perhaps you should think about projecting the beauty from within (your intelligence, kindness, sense of humor, interests, hobbies) and work on self esteem issues (in particular, trust issues). Then you won't be so focused on your "blond hair", "big boobs" and feeling as though people think you are "plastic" (because that is what you are projecting to others)

I'm highly attractive, I can't go into places without compliments and getting hit on. For me though this tends to be a problem. I'm a survivor of many types of abuse so it really really effects me, even the slightest compliment sometimes can send me into a panic attack.

But I've learned from magazines and just time in general, you can be the best looking girl in the state, if you give off the wrong vibe they wont approach you.

If you're always sitting slouching, looking down, not smiling, they see you as unapproachable. They develop ideas about you before even meeting you. If you smile, you have friends, you touch your hair and look up a lot, things like these make you more approachable. If you look like someone who is insecure, it could also come off as "rude". Too many times has my shyness been mistaken for conceit.

It's mostly how you carry yourself. I tend to do these things on purpose. I'm one of the nicest people you will meet but when being around people that may "hit on" me, I am a complete bi... well you get the idea. I do it on purpose because it stops them and that's what I want. If you want the attention, try working on how you carry yourself that may be the problem. People can see your insecurities and all much more than you think and often it is mistaken for something much worse.

I have to agree with dailyhealing.

I don't think there is a thing as being overly attractive. Even the most beautiful woman can tone down her looks and look beautiful but not so intimidating. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and while your looks may be above average, I find it hard to believe that all lack of any serious relationships is all occurring because of your looks. The most attractive people can be downright nauseating because they can be full of themselves and act being superior, but that's me. Really, anyone who acts like this is unattractive to me.

Anyway, I'm going to be brutally honest in the nicest way I can be.

I think a lot of it does depend on the guy you want to attract. Some may be intimidated, some just not interested because they are taken, and some may be judging you based on all the effort you are putting into your appearance. Obviously you don't want to go out the door looking disheveled, but you would be surprised how little effort an attractive woman needs to put in to look to look their best.

You sound like you spend hours trying to maintain this ideal that you have of what you should look like. But think about it... how many men are going out looking for something or someone they have to maintain? Or that is too high maintenance? Probably not many. Especially the nice, down to earth guy who doesn't make oodles of money. He probably sees his wallet emptying before his eyes.

I also can't say that a man looking at a woman, who appears to spend a lot of time on their looks, is going to have any initial thoughts of her being down to earth or approachable. And if you walk around acting like you know how good looking you are, well, that doesn't exactly say "down to earth" either. It says "shallow," "self-centered," and "fake."

There is a difference between conceited and confident, and I'm sorry to say that I don't sense the later from you. I'm not sure what perfection means to you, but sometimes one's perception of beauty and perfection is skewed. If you even remotely resemble this woman below, you're really really over doing it.

Personally, I think looking put together, polished but not over done, is the way to go. You need to learn what you best assets are, and play those up, and keep everything else subdued or toned down. If you don't want men staring at your chest (as much as you can help it), cover yourself up and don't let cleavage hang out of your blouse. If you have a really big booty, you're not going to attract the right attention wearing skirts that skim the bottom of your butt cheeks. I'm not saying that you are any of these things, but am just trying to make a point that you can be feminine and put together without screaming "SEX" or "DO ME!" (not that you look that way).

Regardless of your appearance, people are drawn to confident individuals who have great personalities, are fun to be around, and are down to earth. I can't imagine all men stay away from you because you embody all of those things. And if you are? than there is something else going on.

Maybe it's your body language, maybe you are trying to hard and are coming off as being ingenuine... Maybe you make them feel like you are looking for a different kind of guy because of your appearance. Are you socializing int he same circles as the type of men you're interested in? Snooki isn't going to nab a David Beckhmam type. Kate Middleton was probably not interested in someone who looked like Howard Stern. If you're looking for the intellectual type, you're probably not going find him binge drinking poolside during Spring Break in Cancun. And if you want a frat boy and you're in the library all day, well he's probably not going to be there with his nose in a book. I think you get my point.

Have you ever asked a friend about this? We can all only suggest things based on what you tell us, but someone who knows you in real life may be able to give you a more personal opinion based on your looks and personality.

Also, if you are as attractive as you say you are, why do you feel the need to keep layering the hair color, nails, etc on? Be yourself, don't overdo it, and learn to love yourself. Confidence comes from within and people will get a sense of that if it's true. It's YOU that you want men to see, not the makeup or hair or nails, so try to tone it down. If what you're doing isn't working producing the results you want, it's time to try something else.

Experiment a few times and go out with your hair in a simple pony tail, jeans and a plain white tshirt, nails clean but unpolished, and maybe just a little mascara, blush and chapstick. See what happens.

Below is a link to a really inspiring group of confident, beautiful women. They look beautiful, polished, some made up a little more than others, some sweet, some professional, others edgy... but your focus is just drawn to the woman herself because of how amazing each of them are. There are before and after images as well as video interviews. Take a look. I hope this helps and good luck to you. Keep us posted.

http://prettypowerful.bobbibrowncosmetics.com/

No, I do not think there is such a thing as being too attractive. And, from what you have posted, it doesn't sound like your appearance is the problem. Rather, it seems like the reason you are not getting approached more is because of your insecurity and the energy you're giving off. In your post, you said that girls who are "less attractive" than you are getting approached more than you. I think the way you see the problem is actually part of the problem. First of all, what each of us finds attractive is different. These women may be less attractive by your standards, but more attractive by others' standards. Some people are very attracted to bleached hair, heavy make-up, certain clothes, etc-- but others find that unattractive or overdone and much prefer natural beauty. Second, you're assessment that these women are "less attractive" only takes into account their physical appearance. They may have other attractive qualities about them like confidence, intelligence, a sense of humor, a positive attitude, inviting body language, good social skills, etc. You would be surprised by how much attraction is based on things like smiling, laughing, having positive energy, being warm and friendly, etc. Those things go a long way. If you are not exuding those qualities, others may perceive you to be far less attractive than what you perceive yourself to be, based solely on your physical appearance. I think sociability is also a factor here. You said that you feel you are a "loner" and often go out to places alone. This can also send off a negative message. What often makes people stand out and appear attractive is the way they are engage with other people (laughing, talking, having fun, being "the life of the party"). If other women are at the bar in groups, having fun, etc. they are going to look much more desirable than someone sitting quietly by herself. Being out alone-- when other people are in groups-- can also cause people to wonder if perhaps you don't get along well with others or if you aren't very sociable. Another issue is that men tend to avoid women who don't get along well with other women. It's a big red flag. It suggests issues of insecurity, conceit, jealousy, etc. Finally, since you describe yourself as a "loner," I would suggest that your issue isn't specific to romantic relationships. It sounds like maybe you're giving off the wrong energy in general, which is impacting your ability to develop friendships and other kinds of relationships. Because of this, simply toning down your make-up or hair isn't going to have any effect. The issue isn't what you look like. It sounds like your insecurity is causing you to give off the wrong impression (maybe to compensate for being insecure you act overly secure to the point of appearing conceited, or maybe you act nervous, or maybe you seem unfriendly). Of course, I don't know if any of these are true since I don't know you IRL, but I would guess that these are more likely the issue than anything about your physical appearance.

Speaking from personal experience, I can say that the amount I am approached tends to have less to do with my hair, clothes, make-up and more to do with the way I carry myself, how friendly I am, and the kind of energy I am putting out. I'm also blonde (naturally) and I have a fairly large chest (also naturally) and I like to dress nice when I go out. But I don't lead with my appearance. I don't look around and compare myself to other women. I don't scan the bar for who might be looking at me. I just go with my friends, put my attention on them, and people frequently approach me/us because we look like we're having a good time. Yes, being physically attractive is part of it, but it's also about looking friendly, fun, confident and sociable. If you put out positive energy, you tend to get it returned.

I think you inadvertantly answered your own question here.

I used the word attractive for lack of a better word.
I am not conceited, nor do I act that way.
I probably am guilty of overcompensating with my looks to cover up my inner insecurities.
I have had an eating disorder for just this reason.
I'm not one of those bimbos some of you may be picturing who goes around expecting doors to be opened for them. I pay for my own stuff.
Im highly independent. Im also into the green movement and animal rights and advocating for children, etc. I have a hard time projecting my inner beauty, because I do feel insecure and shy.
I also think I create my own problems to some degree by worrying so much what I look like. for instance my hair is brittle cuz I like it to be bleach blonde. I think bleach blonde hair and big boobs are hot, but a lot of people cant see anything else but that.
I also hardly think that having natural colored hair and natural features would help my insecurities, not saying there is anything ugly at all about that, but I am just saying it wont change me on the inside just like my blonde hair doesnt change me inside.... so Im just trying to figure out how to have both.

I actually have hair thats the very same color and similar style though I dont wear bows in it. She really could be my cousin, maybe sister. (my eyes are blue )I agree her makeup is certainly overdone for my taste, but she seems to like it, and isnt that what matters?

Me personally,I won't even bother trying to ask a highly attractive women out for a few reasons. Just from past attempts at talking to them or being in a relationship with a vert attractive women I have learned that I am not good enough. Either they just won't even give me a chance to talk to them. Or the two times I was with a very pretty girl,both times they left me for someone else. So it's like why bother anymore? As soon as a guy who is more attractive then me facebooks them,then my relationship with them is over ( true story). Or it is also just assumed that attractive women are already takin so why bother?

I'm well jel. I'd love to have this problem.


But seriously I think this may have been said already, but have you tried approaching men you're interested in rather than expecting them to approach you? I mean being more proactive. I realise there's some stupid 'unwritten rule' about chasing men but I personally think it's a load of rubbish as many girls I know have had successful relationships with men they've been the ones to ask out, because sometimes men are shy themselves.

It might also help to know what kind of man you're actually attracted to yourself?

There are some people who are intimidated by attractive people and have presumptions about them, I've personally been out with an attractive guy, physically he was very cute (even though I consider myself ugly! it's the only crush I've ever had which has worked out hahaha) but when I was with him he bored me to hell. :/ We had nothing in common, I just liked the fact he was kind, but he was also too quiet, so it didn't last long. Basic attractiveness is important, but I think good looks are just a very good bonus in a real relationship, the whole package is important. So yeah like others have said, it might be your confidence and maybe you have shortfalls in other areas?

Not to beat this subject to death, but I agree with a lot of things you guys are saying, and some I guess I feel a little bit offended by... Sometimes it's really hard for me to take criticism. In this case I totally reached out and asked for it though, so I do appreciate it all.

I think Im probably being too hard on myself and regardless of what I look like, I need to focus on my self esteem. And i need to lose weight too, but I think I would be much happier with myself if I wasnt so insecure and then that can shine through and enhance my "attractiveness". Im realy a very nice person with lots of good qualities, but I guess not many people get to see that part, and many just assume its not there. A lot of women dont like me because of the way I look. (happens all the time cuz women are jealous and competitive by nature.) There are the rare few who eventually get to know me, and they indeed like me for who i am. So you know, Im just gonna keep doing what im doing as far as looking as hot as i see fit, and Im gonna work on feeling more secure. maybe work on my ptsd first off.

I'm sure you are beautiful, but why do you need to spend alot of time "looking perfect" by putting make-up on if you are naturally beautiful?

I think most guys don't like a vain personality; just like Carly Simon's lyric goes "You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you, don't you?" Girls don't like people with a vain personality, neither do guys.

And I have read the posts in this thread and you have tried to make clear that you are not arrogant or anything like that, and I do believe you. But that's how it might come across to guys who see you with so much make-up on and always trying to make yourself look like the hottest girl in the room. You don't need to hide behind make-up to impress guys if you are naturally beautiful.

My sister (God bless her) was incredibly beautiful in the physical sense.

Everywhere we went, men would stare and fall all over themselves. Some tried to approach her.

She would swear she was the sweetest/most interesting person in the world.

Unfortunately, as soon as she opened her mouth, men would run for the hills. It happened every single time.

Her ex-husband started drinking because he couldn't bear to be around her. My beloved nephew picked up on a lot of her (looks but also negativity and insecurity and cruelty).

She passed at 39. As for her legacy (my nephew)...I pray my brother in law has been working hard to focus and instill how important qualities like: intelligence, giving back and helping others, working hard, etc. Instead of worrying about appearance.

Just a thought.

Rose,
I'm not at all sure why you are trying to compare her to me, and in fact, it was pretty rude.

There's been a lot of rude things said here by quite a few people.

Just a thought.

I think it's important to look good to YOURSELF because that will help your confidence level and be one less thing to worry about. I think looks is the easiest thing to work on so it's a great place to start. Pay attention to posture - when I finally started standing up tall, people approached me way more often. Since you have PTSD, then having some control over one aspect of your life is probably comforting in a way. ED's are often fulfilling a need to have control over a life that feels out of control. However my guess is it makes you feel like crap most of the time because you are hurting yourself nutritionally. If you are into the binge/purge cycle then it's also guilt causing, which further hurts your self esteem (at least it did for me). You are probably throwing your whole body off kilter, affecting your blood sugar and thyroid levels and causing low moods, anxiety, low energy etc etc. I certainly empathize with your problems. I have experienced much of what you have described.

I can see why this thread was tagged as 'borderline personality' at one point (also sometimes referred to as complex PTSD). Although you may not have that overall problem, you have some of the symptoms so you may benefit from the treatments that are offered for that condition (I believe most people with self-esteem issues have borderline traits, some have more and to a bigger extent than others). And no, I am by NO MEANS labelling you as such and I recommend you NOT label yourself either. I simply encourage you to read up on some of the causes, symptoms and treatments as they may be helpful to you. They focus on changing beliefs, negative thoughts, and dysfunctional behaviours and relationship patterns, many of which may have become ingrained over a lifetime. You may also want to read "What to say when you talk to Yourself", a book by Shad Helmstetter. If you could apply his concepts, I think it would be life changing. It's mostly about turning that self-talk inside your head from negative to positive.

I believe you have already identified your basic problem (insecurity and low self-esteem). Whether you are beautiful, ugly or average, these things are so very minor compared to how you feel about yourself, your worth, your identity, your personality, the very core of your being. I wish you the very best in tackling the problems 'beneath the mask'.