[bowhunt72]

I'm rapidly realizing that many of the posts I've made over the past few months about my affair, collapsing marriage, and immanent divorce have not kept up with or given an accurate picture of the current reality of the situation. My wife and I decided not to divorce or get a dissolution, but rather to get a legal separation to give us time to heal away from each other without completely throwing out the marriage. Our goal as of now is for each of us, especially me since I'm the one with all the psych issues, to make enough progress individually that we can come together for couple's marriage counseling and restore our marriage and rebuild our family. For now we are each working on our own issues in therapy while going through various workbooks and reference books on healing damaged marriages.

This was very much brought to light by a thread I started last night about a lunch date at my place we have planned for today. This is intended to be a special time of getting back together, of turning away from a relationship I never should have been in and returning to the one I vowed my life to, but one particular response I got showed me that I had written it very poorly. For the record, my friends on facebook that know me from real life instead of just my posts here are saying things like:

"AMEN!"
"So glad to hear you guys!!! "
"Will continue praying. God can work miracles and.make beauty.from ashes. "
and
"How exciting! Enjoy your day!"

Nobody's saying it will be all sunlight and roses. We'll both have memories to work past, but I think this can be really good for us and help set us firmly on the path to reconciliation whether the lunch date moves into the bedroom or not.

I apologize for any wrong impressions I have given. As a former professional writer, I should have been more careful of my writing. Please take my word for it that even if my wording is clumsy, we really are working to rekindle our love for each other that has kept us at least from separating completely for the 20 years we've been together. It was down to a barely glowing spark, but I think it's starting to burn again. Good wishes gratefully accepted.

Thanks,
Bowhunt

for me is simple. u cheated and u stayed with the girlfriend (u still call her that btw) and u only came back to ur wife caz the other dumped u. thats no brainer! so there was no wrong impressions. tc

[bowhunt72]

Other input is also welcome. Reasonable people can have differing opinions. It is true that my past record does not make me look good, but it is also true that I am working to correct my past wrongs, no matter what circumstances brought about the change.

[Jan1212]

Reading about your situation as a whole has moved me, the fact that mistakes were made and both of you are making this great effort together amazes me , that people can be so forgiving. Your wife has given you another chance you should respect her and love her she should be the one true love for you, don’t forget your vows -

I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey, till death us do part. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

There’s so much wisdom and there will be so much insight towards the healing relationship, don’t forget them, I will support you. Good luck

[bowhunt72]

We both forgot our vows, although the bigger mistakes were mine. My specific goal, although it is still a few steps down the road from here, is a private vow renewal/recommitment ceremony just for the two of us. We broke our vows to each other, me worse than her, and it should be to each other alone that we renew our vows. We may later have a reception or something to show our recommitment to our friends and family, but it is the private ceremony just for us that will hold the real meaning. May that day soon come to pass, though there is still a lot of hard work before us.

[lido78]

I appreciate all that you both are doing to restore your family and your commitment to each other. Unfortunately, to me at least, vows and commitment are pretty meaningless if there is not true love. I would not want a man to stay with me just because he promised at some point in the past to do so...if he does not truly love me, and only me, then he can go. Godspeed and all that. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to live with someone and have to work at being in love...All the other stuff take work of course, but to me love just is (or is not). If you do feel as if you and your wife can actually restore the love, then by all means work on the commitment part...but I think the love must come first and if it's not there, then the temptation to stray on your part and the temptation to not treat you well on her part will eventually rise up again. This is not a blame thing....and it's only my opinion. But, if you are not trying to work things out because deep down you still love each other, then I think you are just in for more hurt.

[Irreplaceable]

I understand why you wrote this post. But remember, you don't owe anyone on here an explanation.

[bowhunt72]

Our lunch date went very well. We have always believed that love is a choice, not a feeling. We had both stopped making that choice and chose selfish motives over the good of our relationship, and a badly damaged relationship is what resulted. We are trying to mend that relationship in the belief that if we choose to act in love, the feelings will follow.

Irreplaceable - your words are very true. Thank you for your perspective. I will consider this topic closed now.

Originally Posted by bowhunt72

For the record, my friends on facebook that know me from real life instead of just my posts here are saying things like:

"AMEN!"
"So glad to hear you guys!!! "
"Will continue praying. God can work miracles and.make beauty.from ashes. "
and
"How exciting! Enjoy your day!"
Bowhunt

Hi ((((Bow)))) I am really glad you DO have friends. You wrote that you had no friends and no support system at all.

Clearly that is not the case.

Wishing you all the best. In good health,
Rose

[lido78]

Originally Posted by bowhunt72

We have always believed that love is a choice, not a feeling. We had both stopped making that choice and chose selfish motives over the good of our relationship, and a badly damaged relationship is what resulted. We are trying to mend that relationship in the belief that if we choose to act in love, the feelings will follow.

Very interesting perspective that I'll have to think on. I've never been able to "choose" love....I wish that I could...there were probably some really awesome guys that would have been great for me if I could have chosen to love them...maybe this is a concept that can work and, if so, this would be a wonderful end result for your family. Even if not, choosing to behave in a loving manner toward each other can only be a good thing for all involved.

[Harley47]

I'm happy to hear you and your wife are taking steps to repair things bowhunt. I will keep you both in my prayers.