[seeker1950]

I have a lot of retrospective knowledge of my history of trying to bond with a man. Without going into that long history, just saying I have reached a point of "peace" by abstaining from intentionally meeting and dating the opposite sex. My age is a factor, of course, but I wish I had arrived at this point much sooner. Sounding bitter?...I am not. I applaud anyone who has a longterm or even short term love interest. The perspective I've gained, however, helps me realize how dysfunctional I have been...ALL my life...in terms of relationships with men. When I occasionally ponder the prospect of that...now...it makes me anxious. And realizing that anxiety has been a factor in all of the previous relationships in which I dared to venture, I abstain, and remain at peace.
When I first adopted this mindset of abstaining, I admit I grieved, and for a substantial period of time. Now, I celebrate my freedom, my own space in which I no longer have to accommodate another's presence. Sounds selfish, I know. I have several female friends who are long time married, and I'm appalled at what they put up with! Not saying there aren't happy couples out there, just that I don't know of any. I know of no relationship I would want to emulate.

I've already rattled on too much. Just wondering if anyone else feels this, or to the contrary. Responses welcome!
Patty

[Leed]

I agree with you 100%. My first marriage was horrible! I put up with alot of crap including verbal & emotional abuse. I stayed in that for 26 years - and I THOUGHT it was good, for the sake of the kids. I later found out that they wished I had left the bum.

I remarried a wonderful man, but we only had a very few years together as he died of cancer. Several years after he died, I dated a little, but found that I just didn't like dating - seems that the guys I dated were only interested in one thing.

I'm very happy to be alone now. Like you I've found a very special kind of "peace" where I can be who I like - I don't have to accomodate anyone else (yes, it's selfish, but at MY age I don't care ). I don't have to worry about someone else's moods but my own; I can eat what I want and WHEN I want -- and I can think about my deceased hubby and smile without someone asking me what I'm thinking about.

I'll never date again or marry again. I love being alone. Thanks Seeker for a good post God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[IowaFarmGal]

I think I function better without a male in my life. Just more stable all around.

[Confusedinomicon]

I would be happier if my boyfriend cleaned after himself more. T_T!

But I can't say I regret our relationship.

I also don't accommodate to him besides cleaning a bit. He knows that I will be me and he has to put up with me the way I am. I have to give him that right too. I don't see a point in trying to change to make someone like me. I have a hard time adjusting my personality to different situations so why would I put in the effort to do that in a relationship where I have to see them everyday.

[odoyle]

I don't want to give up on the idea that True Love really can exist between two people.

[KathyM]

My first marriage was a disaster, but I was too young to know what I wanted and needed in life. It was tough being a single mother because my child had become my number one concern, along with caring for elderly parents. The men I dated usually only wanted one thing from me, so I eventually resigned myself to living alone for the rest of my life - or at least until my son went off to college.

After about 5 years of soul-searching, I found contentment with my life even though I was still lonely for companionship. Then I met my husband. I had such a crush on him. My heart would melt every time I saw him at work, but I kept my cool. When we started dating, I kept up my guard because I didn't want to get hurt again. I tested him, and tested him, and he passed every test. He slowly managed to whittle down my defenses, and I fell head over heels in love with him.

We've been together now for 23 years, and we'll be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary this year. He's been a wonderful husband and fantastic father. If, God forbid, he dies before me, I can't imagine ever falling in love with someone else. If I die before him, I wouldn't want to see him all alone. However, he belongs to ME - so I'll choose his next mate from the other side.

[seeker1950]

Originally Posted by Leed

I agree with you 100%. My first marriage was horrible! I put up with alot of crap including verbal & emotional abuse. I stayed in that for 26 years - and I THOUGHT it was good, for the sake of the kids. I later found out that they wished I had left the bum.

I remarried a wonderful man, but we only had a very few years together as he died of cancer. Several years after he died, I dated a little, but found that I just didn't like dating - seems that the guys I dated were only interested in one thing.

I'm very happy to be alone now. Like you I've found a very special kind of "peace" where I can be who I like - I don't have to accomodate anyone else (yes, it's selfish, but at MY age I don't care ). I don't have to worry about someone else's moods but my own; I can eat what I want and WHEN I want -- and I can think about my deceased hubby and smile without someone asking me what I'm thinking about.

I'll never date again or marry again. I love being alone. Thanks Seeker for a good post God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

I did the same as you, Leed. Stayed in a miserable marriage for 20 years, thinking it was best for my daughter, who revealed to me after the fact that it would have been better to have chosen otherwise.

I am happy to hear that you had a short but happy marriage after your first unhappy one. I never found that, and the dating was disastrous, till finally a lightbulb came on, and I decided to try a different (more peaceful) path.

As I said earlier, I applaud anyone who strives for happiness with a partner, and truly finds it, like KathyM!
Patty

[Trippin2.0]

I'm happy to abstain too I've discovered that compromising makes me miserable, and the alternative is a man who is infact a puppy, which is OFF PUTTING. I'm much more emotionally stable when unattached and I gotta say I LOVE that aspect, and really like not having to 'watch' myself, and my reactions 24/7. My last break-up was difficult, I lost a 12yr friendship, not just a 2yr relationship, but it made me take a good look at myself. I also grieved after my realization, but I think that's normal, change cAn be traumatic. I don't frown upon love or even remotely hate men, I don't look down on r/s or marriage, it's just not for me. And in all honesty, it probly never was. I didn't have 'weddings' in kindergarden, didn't play house in primary school, and didn't have bf's in HS, had 3 fairly longterm r/s and even then marriage never entered my mind. If the bf brought it up, I'd make a joke and change the subject. I loved these men, even the 1st, who turned out to be abusive, but marriage just didn't occur to me or seem appealing when mentioned. I'm absolutely sure that abstaining is the right decision for me so glad to see I'm not as weird as people think there ARE others like me!

[seeker1950]

My last break-up was difficult, I lost a 12yr friendship, not just a 2yr relationship, but it made me take a good look at myself. I also grieved after my realization, but I think that's normal, change cAn be traumatic.

That was true for me also, Trippin. Thank you for sharing. In my case, the "grieving" afterwards was necessary and a life changing process. This was something I had to arrive at on my own, sans counseling or therapy, in which I had dealt repeatedly.

[Trippin2.0]

Ha! Therapy stressed me out WAY too much. It suits me better to figure it out on my own and ask for guidance when I need it

[NinaNina]

It is interesting to see everyone's perspective's on this, and it makes me think it really depends on the person.

I am still quite young, so I have no idea what lies ahead for me in this perspective. I still cling to the idea that true love exists. I personally hope that I have someone to share my life with, and I want that to be my current boyfriend. But I don't think everyone wants that.

My grandparents were married for over 50 years, and although they have both passed (grandfather five years ago and grandmothers this past March) they were still so much in love with eachother. They made me believe in true love.

My ex-bf's parents met when they were fifteen, married at 21, and were married for twenty-six years, until my bf's father passed suddenly from a heart-attack two years ago. This was another couple that although their relationship had a sad end, they were still as much in love as they were 26 years ago.

My mother was with my father for about 15 years before they separated. She then dated another man on and off for about ten years. She has now been single for about seven years, and I don't think she's ever been happier than she is now. She is very independant, and loves the fact that she can do what she want and doesn't have to revolve her life around someone else.

So I don't think everyone is meant to be pair-bonded. I think some people are just happier on their own at certain points in their life. As I said though, I hope true love still exists, even though there seems to be less proof of it now days. Or maybe I just think that because I work in a law office that does family law, so I deal with a lot of separations and divorces

[lynn P.]

Since I've gone through the last terrible yrs with infidelity, naturally I feel pessimistic about relationships. I think potential life partners should make sure they're compatible in areas such as - finances, religion, sex expectations, children (how many and parenting styles) and general morals. People have to see through the fireworks infatuation time and analyze if there's real compatibility. At this point in my life - I would approach it like a business deal lol - thinking logically rather than emotionally. Since I live with someone who the world wouldn't be enough, I would make a sex contract lol. I never knew when it was fine to just sleep.