[adeline]

My boyfriend has a really hard time opening up to me. I think he's afraid to let his real self out... he seems to be protecting himself by distancing himself from me. The result is that I don't feel emotion from him to me -- his voice is usually monotone on the phone, he doesn't usually sound excited to hear from me (on the phone) and he ALWAYS freezes up when I express emotion or need to be comforted or shown understanding.

The result is that I don't feel fully intimate with him, which makes me feel like I'm not good enough (or else he would sound excited to hear from me) or that I'm not worth the stretch and "discomfort" that he'd feel by opening up to me.

And yes, I know that these are erroneous conclusions based on some of his other behaviors -- like the fact that talking on the phone guarantees the monotone state, yet in person he usually acts more happy to see me -- and how he tries to reassure me that it's not that I'm not special to him, but that he just has a hard time opening up.

The most ironic part? He has no problem spilling his emotions to me, and expects me to take care of him in the way that I'd like him to do for me.

So, my questions are:
1. Is the emotional distancing thing just an inevitable tendency for men?
2. Are most men able to offer empathy when their partner's upset; or are most not able to deal with so much emotion at once?
3. Finally, what is it about the phone that's threatening/unappealing??

I'm hoping I'll get advice from both males and females.

Thanks!

Jessie

Hi There Jessie!
First of all I think it's healthy that you realize that it is not you, your boyfriend really does sound like he has a problem opening up and communicating.

Also, let me tell you that no, not all men are this way.I will give you two examples from my experience. I was married before to a man who had a fantastic, outgoing personality. He was always the life of the party and everyone liked him. As time went by and problems arose that I needed him to communicate with me about I noticed a very strange thing...he would go completely silent, and seem to shut me out. Here I would be, in total pain,and he would just lie there, reading his book and acting like there was nothing going on and it was like I wasn't even in the room! I would get so frustrated and tell him I felt like I was talking to a wall. His reply? None! Well, I am probably making him sound bad,and the thing is he wasn't always non-communicative, there were times where he would actually listen and reply and comfort me, but not to the extent that I wanted him to. I blamed myself in a way because I felt like maybe I was making too big of a deal about wanting to talk and share things, and I started to doubt myself. My self-esteem suffered because I didn't feel validated. Then I noticed something. He wasn't just this way with me, he was this way with everyone! He would do anything to avoid a confrontation, and he relapsed back into drinking (he was a recovering alcoholic when I met him). I think this was his way of self medicating because when he drank, he would REALLY open up, and he would communicate and even cry. The only problem was I didn't want to be with him anymore because of his drinking (among other things) and by then it was too late for me to want to listen to anything he had to say. Ok, now for the other end of the spectrum!

I met my boyfriend a while after my marriage ended, in the day hospital. I don't know if it had something to do with the way we met, but he and I have the most fantastic communication I have ever experienced with anyone! I am so amazed with him because he is the most open and honest and communicative person I have ever met.. When I talk he gives me his undivided attention. He will drop whatever he is doing to be there for me. He even picks up things in my voice and asks me if there's anything wrong, if I'm feeling ok, or if there is something I want to talk about. It is so refreshing to be with him, and we are never at a loss for words with eachother. Ok, I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging, it's just that I have never felt so validated in all my life and I am so happy to have found him, he is my soulmate. The cool thing is he has that fantastic balance of being deliciously male (lol I can't believe I said that) and yet he is the most sensitive person I have ever met. We like to do fun things together, but we both find that the best and truly most meaningful times are when we are just lying there talking and enjoying eachother's company and conversation. So my point? Not all men are non-communicative. I think it depends on the person and the factors that make them who they are.

I hope you and your boyfriend can start to really communicate, I truly feel that it is the best thing about a relationship. It bonds you and makes you close, and when the communication is good EVERYTHING is good!

Well, I hope this gives you some kind of insight. Sorry for the rambling, and I wish you the best!

Love,
Sujin

[piggysmile]

I think that some males just can't show their soft side, especially to females and even girlfriends/wives, because they're afraid to be rejected after revealing their feelings.

[Sabrina]

I guess I get a bit of both from my husband. There are times he will tune me out completely. Other times he won't even bother to tune me out but will simply tell me he is not interested (granted, that is usually during an argumentative moment), and then there are the rare times when he will hash things out with me.

As for the phone, he tells me he is not a phone person, yet I have watched and heard him have lengthy converstations with his friends. Short, curt and distracted phone conversations are what he gives me. Fortunately I am not all that keen on a phone myself otherwise it would hurt me terribly.

[adeline]

Thank you all for your replies! We've been doing alot better... I think part of the culprit was that we were talking on the phone at least once a day, for 30 minutes+, and him not being a phone person... [he's in the Uk now, forgot if I mentioned this or not].

Anyway, I told him my needs, and backed off of calling him all of the time, and he responded by sounding happy to hear from me, and making the effort to call me himself. I think our daily conversations get kind of dull, because not talking to him for a couple of days made us both more excited to hear from eachother.

I've also been giving him (and myself) a break from questioning his devotion, trust, etc... I get insecure about these things, but the reality is that we can only do so much with him across the ocean.

My only fear now is that he's becoming depressed again -- he sounds worried and downhearted on the phone sometimes. He won't talk about it on the phone(although he will in person) but even if he does he's always refused to get treatment... the one time he finally went (for me) he didn't tell the doc any of his problems, saying it was just me that thought there was something wrong with him... I don't understand the logic, he admits he needs help, just can't follow through. Why is this??!

Thank you all!

Jessie

[Sabrina]

Seems as though you are taking some very positive steps trying to understand and in reaching your boyfriend half way.

It must be very hard having him so far away.

I don't know what to suggest in terms of him not wanting to get treatment. It must be frustrating and worrying for you. I do hope that his depression does not worsen at all.

It is wonderful that you are supporting him.

[bebop]

I think alot of men if not most have a difficult time with communication. My husband is a terrible communicator. We don't even sit in the same rooms together most of the time. It sure gets lonely at times.

[adeline]

Thank you for your supportive posts. He's at that stage of depression where he feels like alot of things (but not all) in his life are kind of empty and meaningless.

We're both in college, so I don't know if this is just an exacerbation of normal "disillusionment/disenchantment" that comes with coming of age. I have reason to believe that it's more than that, but either way I guess I'll just have to wait for him to want help. I just don't like seeing him sad.

Jess