[ellymaylu]

My hubby is easily frustrated, he expresses this frustration by blaming me. Throws his arms around gets very loud (he talks at me) and says "no one listens to him and this is what he gets for telling me his emotions and he should know better". I do agree that I do not always listen to what he says, in fact I tend to be defensive or just say I am sorry for whatever it is he is blaming me for. My reason for this? I feel bad a lot, because he is upset at me a lot. I feel like a bad person who cannot get it right.
He like to bring up the past almost every time and say I should just understand that he is being this way because I have done (whatever it is) in the past so I should not expect him to react any different. It is also wearing to carry the burden of the past. I do acknowledge that some of my past behavior has not been helpful to the relationship. I have however have made changes to the things he has complained about but this does not stop them form coming up again. And again.
I do know I am not responsible for his feelings but I do not know how to cope with being blamed for his unhappiness several times a day without taking it personal. Nor do I know how to resolve the past 5 years to his satisfaction or how to deal with his frustrations. He blames me for his stomach ulcer and anytime he get upset he also reminds me of how bad his tummy his and how I am adding to it.

[Leed]

Oh how i remember those days! My ex would ALWAYS bring up any past "wrongs" that i may have done or he SAID i did, whether I did them or NOT. No matter how many times I either made amends or PROVED to him that i did NOT do whatever it was, he continued to bring it up and blame me for it. 26 years of this, over and over and over.

I would tell him "I'm sorry you feel like this, but I can't change it, only YOU can." And of course that would INFURIATE him. I was supposed to make him feel better NOW.

People like this cannot be dealt with. They are out of control, and are not willing to listen. They don't like to take responsibility for their own actions, and blame others for everything. They NEED therapy BADLY, but most of the time they refuse to go because they think they're right about everything. If they DO happen to go, usually they'll walk out of the first or maybe second session after the therapist says something negative about them.

I don't know how I stood it for 26 years. Stupidly, I did it for the "sake of the children." Instead, it hurt the kids more than helped them. I finally divorced the jerk.

Best of luck -- you're going to need it, my friend. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Open Eyes]

It seems like your husband has a lot of anger he just doesn't know what to do with.
He really SHOULD see a therapist to help him, even to validate his hurt pride and anger so he can finally move on.

You have not gone into detail here about what you have done in the past to upset him so I can't really see what in particular may be bothering him that you may not realize.

And your husband may not be truely consciously aware of how he hangs on to this anger and then it just builds up like a pressure cooker in him and then he behaves like this towards you. It doesn't sound like he has found ways to handle his stress well either. Hey, he is only human and he probably needs some help.

And it may be good for you and your husband to get some marriage counceling. You do not know how to respond to him in a way that can effectively signal him to actually stop and calm down either.

Now, I know it is tricky to actually get a man into therapy sometimes as often they take that suggestion as "something is now wrong with them" and that can make them very reluctant and even more angry. So, the way to handle that is to sit down with him quietly (would be a good idea to have a good coucelor in mind first) and tell him that you want to listen to him, you are sorry you fail him in someway and you would like to be assisted by a therapist so you can learn how. And in order to do that, it would be better if you both went to work this out with a therapist.

And if you can get him to that place with a therapist, and the therapist is a good one, the therapist will make him feel comfortable enough so that he is open to more therapy. And it should a therapist that also does private counceling and maybe (if the therapist is good at it) he can see that his way to finally getting "heard" is in therapy.

Unfortunately MANY people form patterns of behavior that are just not productive for anyone including themselves. And often what happens is they get very angry and frustrated because they don't see how they unknowingly sabatoge themselves and their relationships with others. But it doesn't mean they can't learn to overcome that problem. What has to take place is that they have to consciously see it. And they have to be shown in a way that they are not just put on the defensive, but are addressed as though they are very capable of making some adjustments.

It is not unusal for couples to have conflicts and not have the skills to see the problems or ways to fix it on their own. We have to be allowed to GROW in relationships and not everyone knows quite how to do that.

So, the suggestion I have for you is to reach out for help. And if you cannot gain by that, then maybe the only solution is to end the relationship.

Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

I'm in the very same position. Name calling everything I do is wrong. I try to change to what he wants and then thats wrong. PLEASE be careful. You sound like me and I would hate for you to be where I am now. I have lost my idenity. I'm no longer who I used to be, I've tryed to be the person he's created. HE hates that person to. SO he ruined me. I 've lost me in this 18 year marriage. On top of that throw in some control and there you go a life of meds just to cope with life.
On the plus side my hubby and I are in counceling 4-5 weeks now. It's been o.k. I share info to easily. I just want someone to hear. My hubby is a little more guarded in what he shares. My T suggest we do counceling appart with different T's w/in the same office and then put our findings together. or Seperate while we work on things. The first sounds doable but expensive. The 2nd option, I don't know if I'd return. I don't know if he would get crazy angry with me.
Any way sorry I took a conversation about you and turned it into one about you. Your post triggered something in me. and I just spilled the beans. I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Start with church. Threw Christ all things are possible.