Ugh... Everyone is Getting Engaged but Me

It feels like everyone is getting engaged/married except me. I know I'm at that age (27) when people get married and have kids but why not me? I got married when I was 20 and divorced at 24 and I loved being married... just not to him. I've been with my bf for over 2 years and although he says he loves me and he wants a future together, I know him and I know he's not even close to getting married. He tells me that he wants to be settled and be able to take care of himself and someone else before he gets married; I can respect that, but I make my own money and I don't need to be taken care of, I can take care of myself (and someone else if I needed to)!

I'm his first long-term relationship. His longest relationship before me was 6 months and all of his past relationships together would add up to maybe a year total and he's 29. I asked him once if we would at least be engaged by the time I was 30 and he said he couldn't promise that... we'd have been together for 5 effing years!

He's a pilot and he's really independent so he's gone half of the week. I have BPD so I don't do well with someone being gone a lot but I handle him being gone during the week pretty well. What I don't do well with is when he leaves for long periods of time. Then I feel like he loves his job more than me because it's so easy for him to leave me. He tells me he is just passionate about his job and loves it different than me but that he's wanted to do it his entire life so he's accepted being gone a lot, but that's hard on me. In an argument once he told me that the reason he avoids talking about getting married is because I don't deal with him being gone very well and that he needs someone stronger that can handle it because it's part of his life. This made me really upset because I consider myself a really strong person considering everything I've gone through and I thought I handled him being gone pretty well (just not for long periods of time).

I just feel so defeated. I really don't understand why he wants to wait so long, and sometimes if he wants to... he's a Gemini and super fickle. I also feel like if I'm sad or miss him I have to hide it from him because I'll look weak; that's not something I should have to do. He doesn't understand my disorder and that I can't help it, but I try really hard. For being bipolar and having BPD I am pretty friggin stable so when I'm not, he doesn't understand it and sometimes thinks I'm not.

I know that he's the man I want to marry for a multitude of reasons. I know he triggers me and his job doesn't help my abandonment issues but he has so many great qualities. When he's home he's really affectionate, he makes me dinner all of the time, he's a good communicator, really outgoing (he can make friends with anyone... not joking), he's amazingly handsome, and just makes me feel like I'm the only thing in the world that's important. Everyone has faults, God knows I have my own, but he accepts them and supports me through it. Please don't give input saying I should leave him because I promise you that the pros outweigh the cons.

I feel like I just need to figure out a way to be ok and accept the fact that he's just not ready to get married. I also need to figure out a way to be better when he's gone. I mean I have my friends, but they're all married or have kids, or both so I can't really hang out with them because they're busy. I spend time with my family a lot and do homework (but I graduate in 3 weeks, yay!). I'm really introverted most of the time so I don't like talking to people about how I feel because no one can really cheer me up when I'm down. Can you please tell me a way to be ok with all of this? Thanks so much all!

Sorry I wrote a novel!!!

It's a difficult situation, but I hope things will fall into place. It seems like you really see the good in him and they're important to you. If that's so, are you willing to wait. I don't know him but he sounds like my boyfriend, he needs stability and some men want to feel independent and be able to provide before making this type of advancement. maybe he is a particular type of person. I felt pressured because everyone else around me was getting engaged, but pressure was the wrong reason.

I feel like everyone has one person that they are just MEANT for. And all the others along the way happen for a reason. If they don't work out then they weren't the right one!

Well, im not sure, but if i were you i would confront him and say " listen... either you want me or you dont. you've had two years to decide." You should NOT have to feel like you have to hide your emotions... If he loves you he will want to know how you truly feel.

Then again i can understand his point. When my ex asked me to marry him i wasnt ready & i knew it.. something just felt wrong. Try not to pressure him, but there is a time when you need to move with your life & add commitment... if you two dont have the same goals & dont want to help each other achieve that... find someone who does.

i hope this helps you a little & i wish the best of luck for both of you.
You know the answers... we all do; sometimes, we have a hard time admitting them to ourselves.

OP:

It is weird to me that you live in the Bay Area, were until recently a graduate student, AND want marriage at age 27. And mention everybody around here having babies. It does not compute. I have been living here since 1995 and women of your socioeconomic status do not have babies until their thirties - I was the single exception, really.

I understand how you feel, in a way. I'm younger than you by eight years, and it seems everyone around me is in a great relationship...yet I seem to be a chameleon to women. Indeed, the girl I have a crush on is moving away within the next year or so to school, so I don't feel comfortable trying to pursue anything with her, which is presumptuous of me to start with. I just don't think it'd be fair to either of us. I understand fully well wanting that...there is nothing on this earth I envy more.

But take heart. Things like this usually happen when they will. And I do know how you must feel with his assertion that he wants to be able to provide for you and your rationale that he doesn't need to do that, but I do understand his perspective as well. Him and I are of the same mentality. I don't want to start a life with someone without knowing full and well that I can provide for her the life I want to provide for her. If him and I are of precisely the same mentality, he wants to be sure he can do that for you, and it is, to him, a scary prospect that if he were, for whatever reason, to fail, that he wouldn't be able to do for you as he wants, or worse, that he would drag you "down" with him, foolish as that may sound. I know it's difficult understanding that at times, but I truly do think he has what he thinks is your best interest at heart.

Don't lose heart. You've plenty of time, and it sounds like to me that you have a guy who does genuinely care for you (that is disregarding his comments in the fight...I am trusting that he only spoke out of frustration, which tends to make liars out of most people. I only pray that wasn't a sort of Freudian slip for him...a possibility I cannot fully rule out). I trust things will work out, one way or the other. The biggest thing is that no matter what, don't lose hope, and keep heart.

My best, and hugs,
Harley

Do you think being married will help you cope with the feelings you have when he's away for work? Or do you just want to get married because your friends are?

I think its ok to miss him and its ok to let him know that. But there's ways of doing it. Run and give him a big hug when he comes home, with a big smile on your face. Or a nice dinner etc. Tell him that you've been busy doing this and that and try and stay upbeat & hide your sadness. This way he will adore coming home to his g/f, rather than be made to feel guilty for being away doing a job he loves.

I do have to say that getting married really isn't everything. You live together don't you? You have fun together when he's home? You love each other and you're enjoying being with each other? I think what you've got going is lovely, and if getting married is going to cause fights, then its probably best to drop it for another year or two. Being married isn't everything, but being with a lovely bloke and being happy is a great situation and compromise in my book.

Why not concentrate on your own career after you graduate? Enjoy going out, seeing friends, make new friends.. join clubs, take up a hobby...