[hezaa82]

There have been a lot of changes in my life recently with the start of the new school year and it's leaving me confused and not really sure what to feel.

The biggest change is the absence of my ex-coworker, J. For the last year I knew that I would spend every Tuesday, Thursday and Friday at school with him and we could talk and hang out (oh and teach some English). I don't have a lot of friends (I'm codependent, borderline, and have abandonment issues so I basically fail at keeping anyone in my life) so having him there as a constant was really amazing. But now I don't know what to make of our relationship.

I tend to see him as the closest relationship in my life because last year I spent more time with him than with anyone else (only at work though, we never hung out outside of work), and also because I feel like he understands me better than any of my other friends. He's a mature and giving person so he treats me better than a lot of my other friends who are a little bit emotionally disturbed. But now with this separation I'm starting to question a lot of things.

He still texts me everyday which makes me happy because I don't have anyone else who contacts me that often. But maybe he's just a person who likes texting and he texts all his friends every day? And come to think of it we mostly talk about work... My standards for what makes a close relationship are quite different from "normal" people's standards I think. Maybe what I see as a close relationship he sees as a casual work friend?

I want to try and invite him to hang out outside of work, but I'm not sure how to approach it. I don't want to scare him off. He kind of keeps me at arms' length sometimes because I scared him badly with my borderline stuff once before. :/

I guess I just have a strong desire to feel important to someone, stemming from my abandonment issues I guess.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by hezaa82

I want to try and invite him to hang out outside of work, but I'm not sure how to approach it. I don't want to scare him off. He kind of keeps me at arms' length sometimes because I scared him badly with my borderline stuff once before. :/

I guess I just have a strong desire to feel important to someone, stemming from my abandonment issues I guess.

How did you scare him off?

In and of itself, inviting someone to hang out outside of work, if done casually, with grace, and with a forethought (you need to give him an "exit" in the way you invite him), does not qualify as BPD stuff. Unless, of course, it would be another element in a chain of events that has already happened.

[hamster-bamster]

And, it is true that his texting behavior is unobservable, so you do not know whether he texts you or the whole circle of his friends and acquaintances, but, you do not need to be his SOLE friend to invite him to hang out outside of work.

[hezaa82]

Well I guess our history is kind of shaky. Last summer we got really close and I really thought we were going to start dating, but in the end he told me we should just stay friends. I think my issues worried him, and he didn't want to get into anything serious. Being rejected made me crazy of course. I would call him all the time with crises. It wasn't a conscious effort to be manipulative, but a friend pointed out later that I was creating crises so I'd have an excuse to call him. Then he dated a Japanese girl for a few months and I would send him a bunch of "hot and cold" texts, ie one minute saying what a great guy he is and how lucky that girl is, then the next minute saying how terrible I feel that he abandoned me. I've been doing a lot better lately and I think he knows that. But he's a really important person in my mind because he made me feel special and for most of my life I haven't felt special to anyone, not to my emotionally distant parents as a child, no close friends or lovers as an adult. His approval and attention is really important for me I guess. Maybe this is me replaying my efforts to earn my parents' love... In any case he is a good friend and treats me better than a lot of friends I've had recently. My therapist (before he quit last month) said that I should try and keep J as a friend and not start pushing him away when I feel "rejected." So I guess I'll try and ask him to get dinner sometime?

[hamster-bamster]

Yes, but all the while being casual and cool.