In person, I am a terrible communicator.

I think I may be self destructive. In person, I simply cannot communicate satisfactorily and always seem to make a bad impression. I know a lot of it has to do with my bad upbringing which had a lack of nuturing. But, as an adult, I am not making any progress. I am totally frustrated.

Right now, I cannot afford therapy. Though, to be honest, therapy (of which I've had a lot) has never helped much. I know that anxiety and panic are involved in my problems. I just seem to be everyone's whipping boy. I am unable to bond with people and successful people avoid me totally. I have nothing to offer; I don't smile much and don't have much to say that is relevant. I isolate all the time because I have no confidence and have a terrible history of interpersonal relationships. I don't date and have never had a lover. I don't think I am good at sex. I guess I will order another self help book? I am very lonely and am really, really hurting. Even people at church don't like me at all.

My inability to communicate was one of the reasons why I lost my job. I don't know what to say. Frankly, I think that whatever I say does not make a differerance anyway. I may just not be a likeable person. My last T said that, with my background, there is very little to build on. The building blocks of interpersonal relationships that are formed when one is a child are not there.

May sound crazy but you may have the wonderful opportunity to create (recreate) your persona/self.
Okay...no money for therapy... I can relate tho now sure I want therapy... how about some kind of support group?
I think you told me in the bike thread that you're in NYC? There has got to be a support group there to match up with these issues. Think about that

((unhappy guy))

In my humble opinion, a lot of what you're picking up on is probably a lot lighter than your dark tinted lenses make it appear. But, when we feel crummy about ourselves and our lives, we don't see things clearly.

Have you looked into county assistance with mental health care? I used that service for 3 years when I fought panic disorder. The fees were determined by a sliding scale. Without that service, I certainly wouldn't have been able to afford to see a psych. I highly recommend that you look into assistance that your county provides!

Your last T's remark about you having little to build upon certainly didn't mean that you're a loser doomed to a life of misery. What he/she probably meant to get across to you was that they can see how you struggled to build a healthy relationship with your parents ~ because the necessary lower safeties weren't built. I can relate to that as well. My sense of trust and safety wasn't well-built by my family ~ kind of a shoddy slap up the sticks and cover them with paint job. Know what I mean?

It takes time to work through these things and move beyond them. Personally, I always recommend exercise to relieve the stress that comes with intense anxiety and feelings of self-hate. I always listen to music on my walks, to take my mind out of myself completely. That's what helps relieve my stress levels and depression ~ getting out of my mind!

Gentle hugs sent to you ~ take care!!

Can you expand on this?

What is it about your childhood that was missing which means that you don't have the building blocks of interpersonal relationships?

Well, there is nothing to build on in the sense that I was raised by parents who believed that nuturing their children was the equivalent of spoiling them. My mother was the bigger problem. She believed that children - especially the first born - was born to take care of her. I was told so. I was told that friends were not necessary. I had no playmates. No toys. I was told that I was raised to be an adult from the start and that childhood was a waste of time. My father spent no time with me. As my parents kept having children, mom got very angry and would yell and scream and curse us. To top it off, I was given an odd name that set me up for ridicule and my parents missed the registration date for kindergarten (there was no nursery school in those days) and put me in first grade instead. I was the shortest kid in my class into high school. The advice I got was uniformly bad and included the line that I should always do more to help my parents. If I had a problem I could not go to mom because she would start yelling and screaming about her own problems and blame me for upsetting her. Sometimes she would just say "you're on your own; don't ask me for anything." She treated what few friends I had better than me. She told me that I was ugly. I remember when I was turning 9 that I had to ask to have a birthday party with kids other than my brothers. To this day, mom has no concern that I have friends or love in my life. She wants my life to be centered around her. As a young boy she told me "just take care of me as long as I live and when I die you can do whatever you want." She meant it. Dad died young. She overworked him with her grandiose schemes.

I am not a smiley person. That's a big part of the problem - I never learned to play. I don't have good looks or people smarts. I don't look for love. (The thought of love equals sadness.) Trying for love is so frustrating because I have no idea what I am doing. I have to fight my own feelings of not wanting love and that's really hard. I feel like I am lying to the other person. When I go home after dates a battle in my brain rages as I analyze what transpired and what was said. It's better to not date anyone than to go through that. I will be so self-conscious at parties that I have to tell myself to remember to smile. Sometimes when I speak in groups my nervousness triggers my epilepsy and I mumble incoherently. I feel like I am cursed. People routinely treat me badly.