[seeker1950]

A fella I've known for years. Comes from long distance to buy my art. Yesterday he spent $500 here at my house for many pieces of the "artrox."
Took me to dinner, kept reaching across the table and touching my arms, rubbing them till I pulled away. I sat there with arms crossed...body language, I know...not giving a receptive message. Grabs me and kisses me on the cheek when he leaves. To which, I'm like the cat in the Pepe le Pew cartoons, squirming.

He's a very nice man, educated, travels extensively, and would take me with him! Has said so!

I'm wondering if it's because I haven't dated for so many years, if it's just me, or if I'm trusting my "inner voice" which feels no chemistry.
Many women my age would jump at this. Primarily for the financial security. Plus, he is very appreciative of my artistic talent.

At times, I've thought, Oh, what the he**, go for it. But then I think about the issues of intimacy....to which I've vowed NEVER to go there again. Maybe I've brainwashed myself.

Thoughts and responses appreciated.
Patty

[lynn P.]

Is this man single and around your age? Its sounds like you had a very nice evening. As long as you protect yourself financially and emotionally.....I think you should give this a try. You were ready to be content, not getting involved with any man because, you're at a more confident point in your life, there aren't many out there who don't have baggage (ourselves included) and also maybe you don't want to get hurt. Is there any chemistry or did you just have a wall up? If a good opportunity comes, I say explore it. Often when we're not looking, the best ones come along. You're not dead yet.

[seeker1950]

Thanks Lynn!
"You're not dead yet. " LOL

Well, I definitely have a wall...er, WALLS, up!

The history with this man...I met him thru a female coworker, who was, at the time, dating him. She brought him to my house for my art, and he seemed immediately smitten with me. That was years ago, and she and he no longer see each other. She has another "boyfriend" now.

That was around 10 years ago, and he has continued to contact me all this time, buying my art, asking me to dinner, which I usually don't do.

He even brought his daughter to meet me one time. She and I emailed for a while, and she said "Dad likes you."

I honestly don't feel any physical chemistry, but part of that is because I knew the coworker liked him, and I just turned myself off to any possibilities. Whether I can view him in a different light...I don't know.

Thanks, friend Lynn, for the feedback and encouragement!
Patty

[lynn P.]

I think you should see what happens and try to set aside analyzing yourself/him too much. We can't always rely on just chemistry because we often pick the same type of partner and its not always the right kind. For example some women like the rebel /bad boy type that stirs that chemistry....but that's usually not a wise choice. There's also way more things to consider in a partner besides chemistry, especially when we're getting up in age. Like you said - you're not sure if its because you ignored the signs, because he was with your friend before. As long as you protect yourself from hurt, I think you should be open to living in the moment with this man. If he has wonderful qualities, maybe chemistry will follow.

If I were to get divorced and ever consider a relationship again - I would look for compatibility and kindness first. He sounds like a nice man seeker1950.

[seeker1950]

Yes, well, the last man with whom I was involved, the Psych.Ph.D...the chemistry was rampant. That ended with me here...seeking help and advice and many years of recovery. After that, I vowed NEVER to allow myself to become involved again. Really...truly, I practiced a form of self-hypnosis never to allow myself ever to be vulnerable again, and also to abhor intimacy with a man. That, I did.

Since then, I've formed a life alone, which is comfortable. I don't even acknowledge that I may be lonely. If I am to form any kind of relationship with this man, it will take baby steps. I have not tried to meet any men, because they would be impatient with me, re/the intimacy factor. When I ponder that, I feel revulsion...I really do! That is all part of the self-programming I have done to protect myself.

Big tub of worms, I know!

[lynn P.]

Yes this is complicated for you. You're a smart lady and probably know how some people tend to follow similar patterns with negative relationships. Since you had a former negative marriage and then the last one that affected you - have you done the inner work to avoid making the wrong choices? Like I said before - sometimes the one factor that draws us to a person, might not be the best choice, if we're not in a healthy place. If I wanted to find someone again, I'd have to do the same work to avoid being drawn to the same kind of man.

I guess the question is - can you get involved without risking your inner happiness and peace? You're in a safe position in life ATM but what if this man is good for you? Maybe make a deal with yourself - you'll enjoy time together and see what happens.

It all depends on how strong your inner voice is! If you really really do not feel any chemistry, and its not just because you stuck your wall up, then dont date him. Am sure you know deep down which it is? It would be unfair to date him just for security, it would be using him, and thats never nice.