[Aprilshowers1979]

My ex husband displayed some disturbing behavior while we were together, extremely controlling, critical of me and others, emotionally abusive, cocky and rude, and he did some weird things when he was upset with me like take apart my exercise machine, let the air out of my bike tires, take lightbulbs out so I was in the dark, he could go from arguing one minute to looking at porn the next. Also took all of our saved money and most of our possessions after the split leaving me broke. My question is do you think it's possible that this behavior might be because of some kind of psychological disorder? I had no self esteem when it was over but I still think about him everyday and it's been 3 years! What is my problem

[Confusedinomicon]

If you can, I think you need to see a therapist. It sounds like he tore your self esteem and that you still haven't recovered from that. There must be some unresolved feelings that you may/may not have been able to express which holds you back from moving on.

Honestly, we cannot diagnose him with anything because we aren't certified therapist/psychiatrists. All you really need to know was that he was a disturbed individual and that you are a very strong woman for going through a divorce and separating. Even if he had a psychological disorder or personality disorder, you shouldn't allow yourself to justify his behavior as appropriate.

It sounds like to you need to move on emotionally just as you have done physically by leaving him. It's time to meet someone new. Your ex appeared to be out of control and did whatever he wanted with the intent of emotionally harming you. He was also harming himself. Seeing a therapist will help you to get over him and to move on. Please consider it. All the best to you!

[Laina M.]

Originally Posted by Aprilshowers1979

My ex husband displayed some disturbing behavior while we were together, extremely controlling, critical of me and others, emotionally abusive, cocky and rude, and he did some weird things when he was upset with me like take apart my exercise machine, let the air out of my bike tires, take lightbulbs out so I was in the dark, he could go from arguing one minute to looking at porn the next. Also took all of our saved money and most of our possessions after the split leaving me broke. My question is do you think it's possible that this behavior might be because of some kind of psychological disorder? I had no self esteem when it was over but I still think about him everyday and it's been 3 years! What is my problem

He may or may not have a psychological disorder (there's no way to tell from this) but it doesn't really matter! He was abusive either way and it sounds like you might need some therapy if it's available to you to work out these feelings?

There's nothing wrong with you, abuse has long-term effects that can still be felt years on. I really hope things get better for you.

[dailyhealing]

You end with a question, what is my problem. I don't know that I have an answer for that, but I don't see much in this post that is wrong with you other than that you are still focused on someone who is very unhealthy for you. I know breaking away emotionally can be hard, but this man is very bad for you! You deserve to be treated with love and respect, especially by those close to you. I hope you are able to get some help in emotionally and physically separating yourself from this man. Thanks for posting and I hope to keep hearing from you on here! Take care.

[Aprilshowers1979]

Thanks for the replies! I def am very emotionally damaged by this relationship. And yes, my self esteem was ripped apart. I am getting better with that as I do have some wonderful people in my life that love me. I struggle with trying to figure out why he would do those things to me, as I was the one he loved more than anything. And if I got sad and cried, he seemed to get even madder. It was so strange. But for some reason I feel like he has some power over me. I still get weak whenever I see him. We had a VERY strong physical connection, and I still think about that often. I was always a strong opinionated woman, but he hated that. He was stuck in some egotistical frame of mind where the man is the sole decision maker and I had my " womanly" roles to fulfill. If I disagreed with anything, it was hell. ( driving erratically to scare me, yelling, name calling, making me get out of the car in a random location, threats, always ending the relationship and taking everything so I have nothing) I wanted to go visit my mother while she was camping and he said no. I said, um yeah I'm going. He took a fuse out of my car so I couldn't drive. Then he took away my necklace that he had just given me for my birthday and said I didn't deserve it and returned it to the store. So many mean things, and yet I always took him back. Sometimes begging him! I get angry with myself but it's true!

[dailyhealing]

I appreciate you being honest about all of that! I hope you will find a way to emotionally detatch from further from him. The things you say he did, they are VERY disturbing and childish. He is not a well person for sure! I hope you will keep posting about this, and if you ever want to talk feel free to message me!

Originally Posted by Aprilshowers1979

Thanks for the replies! I def am very emotionally damaged by this relationship. And yes, my self esteem was ripped apart. I am getting better with that as I do have some wonderful people in my life that love me. I struggle with trying to figure out why he would do those things to me, as I was the one he loved more than anything. And if I got sad and cried, he seemed to get even madder. It was so strange. But for some reason I feel like he has some power over me. I still get weak whenever I see him. We had a VERY strong physical connection, and I still think about that often. I was always a strong opinionated woman, but he hated that. He was stuck in some egotistical frame of mind where the man is the sole decision maker and I had my " womanly" roles to fulfill. If I disagreed with anything, it was hell. ( driving erratically to scare me, yelling, name calling, making me get out of the car in a random location, threats, always ending the relationship and taking everything so I have nothing) I wanted to go visit my mother while she was camping and he said no. I said, um yeah I'm going. He took a fuse out of my car so I couldn't drive. Then he took away my necklace that he had just given me for my birthday and said I didn't deserve it and returned it to the store. So many mean things, and yet I always took him back. Sometimes begging him! I get angry with myself but it's true!

Hey..

I dont think you'll ever know the reason why he did those things to you. And if you did, I dont think there would be any reason that would make sense, or even 'reason' what he did. His behaviour was pretty darn awful, and for that there is no excuse. One thing for certain is what he showed you was not love and no matter what he said, actions speak louder than words.

The fact that he would treat you with cruelty, and you begged him to come back is classic victim behaviour. Something I dont think you should ever worry about, or blame yourself for. You most certainly shouldnt beat yourself up over it. Think of yourself as almost suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. You put all your own needs, thoughts and feelings aside for survival, trying to never set him off. Victims of abuse become preoccupied with the needs, desires and habit of the abuser and it becomes so all-encompassing that your own personality and self-belief is shaken to its very core. It really is little wonder that 3 years on, you are still very much effected by what he has done to you and I would say that was totally normal. You say that you are still weak when you see him - try and keep away. Or make sure you never see him alone, take a friend for support and strength until you start to feel stronger.

I think you'll always think about this, how could you not? But I hope that one day soon, perhaps with help from a bit of therapy, that you will see that you had a lucky escape, and that you do deserve so much more and find a bit of peace within. I hope too that you know that nothing, not a thing you could've done would've changed him then or in the future - he is broken. I do believe from his behaviour that things would've turned violent eventually, and am so pleased you got out of it before it did.

Hugs x

[Leed]

Your ex sounds like like MY ex, except for the strong physical attraction. That flew the coop after he started acting weird. And I never really felt that attracted to him anyway. My parents basically forced me to marry this guy -- I was 18 and his family was well =-t0= do, and my parents I guess felt I couldn't do any better.

He drove me almost insane. I spent 2 weeks in a sanitarium. That helped, but I continued with therapy for years after I got out. I also divorced the idiot years after he started doing this stuff --- I waited a long time because he threatened me that he'd kill me if I ever left him, and he said he'd take my kids too (if he didn't kill me of course). i believed him because he WAS capable of doing that.

Your husband needs some help but I'm sure he won't agree to any. Mine didnt. He felt I was the one who needed help.

I'd stay away from him -- and you should get therapy too if you haven't already. You need to find out why you're still attracted to this guy -- I think it goes deeper than the physical. Best of luck and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Big Mama]

Hey. I can totally relate. One of my x-boyfriends was like you describe. He would get me lost and make me get out of the truck. He would eventually came back for me but to get back into the truck with him I had to do what he wanted. It always ended poorly. Rape was the finial step. Which occurred more than once and I returned to or at least didn't leave the situation for a long time.

I am now in an (improving ) emotionally abusive relationship. My H is very controllling. He only gives me limited amounts of money, asks who were you on the phone with, where were you when I called, why do you wear that, I don't like the show you are watching so you can't watch it.

We have started marriage counceling. It has helped a little. But more the T and I are wroking on trauma's and why I allow this to happen. Why I don't leave and why this isn't the first time. Apparently it is from no feeling wanted as a child and these men made me feel wanted even if it was for the wrong reasons and in the wrong ways. Since working on recognizing these feelings things have been getting better. My husband suffered trauma as a kid to at the hands of his alcoholic father and scitzo. mother.

I am glad you were smart enough to get away. I wish you could find a T to help you discover why you continue to think about this man. Also so you do not fall in to this kind of trap again. I am very much like you a damaged sence of self worth. A T can help with that to. I'm learning I'm not so wrong and unworthy as I thought.

[Aprilshowers1979]

Thanks again everyone. I am going to seek out a therapist. You're all right..I need it. I have a wonderful caring nurturing man in my life now, and I'm still dreaming of a happy life with this abusive ex, a life that could or would never possibly exist. I have held back with the new man, it's hard to love again. Finally here comes the perfect guy, and I'm not emotionally ready. Hopefully therapy will help. Already on antidepressants for quite a while.