Do I give him another chance?

Well, I need some advice. The way we started our relationship was messy, and now this (blog entry explaining below). I would've gone to the forum site that I normally go to, but that's where I met him, so that isn't exactly an option. I apologize for the length of this post. I just really need help, as nobody that I've talked to about it has been particularly helpful. What do I do, guys? Say it's over, or do I give him another chance? I don't trust him a bit, but I love him more than anything. >.<

So much has been happening, I’m not even sure where to start. The only person that I’ve ever trusted completely blew it. He lied to me about talking to his ex, he told her he still loved her, called her certain names that shouldn’t be used unless they’re together (baby, char char, mama, just to name a few. >.<), told her that he still cried for her…

I have to say, I shouldn’t have gone about finding out like I did. I was getting very suspicious, though, especially since he told me that she basically tried to get him to cheat.

I thought everything was peachy keen. I had just gotten a huge weight off my shoulders after telling him something that I had been keeping a secret for far too long. He didn’t seem to care, which made my day. And now this. I cried my eyes out yesterday, cried more after I woke up a few hours ago, and now I’m painfully numb. I know it’s probably a stupid thing to be broken up over, but then again, maybe it isn’t. Maybe it isn’t…

I feel so betrayed. I would have understood (maybe) if it had been early on into the relationship. Well, earlier on. But it wasn’t. They talked the night before I found out. I’m pretty sure he said the same **** that he had in earlier conversations with her. It hurts. I don’t think I’ve ever been this heartbroken before, I’ve never felt this betrayed, and I for sure haven’t cried this much in a long time.

I don’t think I can trust him. I know that I don’t now. I have no idea how he’ll gain my trust again. I honestly don’t know if he ever will. He lied to me. >.< He said he was being honest, but he was lying. He said he still loved her. That he cried for her. He said that I basically wasn’t good enough. Now he says that that was all a lie because he didn’t want to admit that he hated her, that he just wanted her to get off his back. I don’t know if that’s true or not. I don’t know if anything he says is true anymore. I was just starting to believe that he actually loved me. I don’t anymore. God, this hurts so much.

After he found out that I knew what he was saying and doing, he sent her a message telling her his “true feelings” about her. She then messaged me asking what she had done wrong, and I flipped. I admit, I was being a *****. I’m not sure if I deserved her telling me to “go hang yourself you ugly little *****” or not. Probably did, to be honest. She said that she didn’t care what she did. She didn’t care that she hurt him or that she hurt me. At least when I did a similar thing, I cared. I still feel terrible for what I did. He did say that he told her that it was over before telling me any of the things that he wanted to tell me, but I don’t know if I can believe that either. It’s so confusing and so hard to deal with. I deserve it though. I deserve it…



If you read all of this, thank you. <3
Have a good day
-Lorra

Its your choice but if you have done similar things than you are just as guilty as him. If you both have done things than its clear you don't need to be together. You really need to think about things when you have a clear head. If he wasn't upset with what you did than maybe you should forgive him. He really didn't cheat or anything. I told guys all the time I loved them when I was with my ex fiance. He knew it though. I never hid anything. I am just being honest here. You really have a lot of thinking to do. I would say forgive him. I called a lot of my male friends babe and stuff like that. In this day an age those words get thrown around so much that they really have no meaning anymore. I say he really didn't do anything wrong as long as he didn't sleep with her. If you have proof that he slept with her or something like that than leave but if that is all he did that can be worked through. You have to think what is important to you. To me it sounds like your overreacting big time but that's just my thoughts on it.

My bad. >.< I have never done things similar to what he's done. Itwas just a big mess before and I probably should've gone further in-depth about that, but I didn't and don't want to, so yeah. But no, I haven't done anything like what he's done. I'm sorry that I gave you that impression.
I think what I'm most upset about is the fact that he lied about it to my face multiple times, and now I can't help but think that everything that's coming out of his mouth is utter ********.
He doesn't throw words around like that, for the record.

You're probably right, I'm overreacting. Probably. >.<

There are two different kinds of love... There's telling friends that you love them, and there's telling your partner that you love them. In my opinion, if you're with someone new, you should not be sweet talking to get the ex off your back. Frankly, I don't see how that could work. Getting them off your back would be cutting contact completely and give time for wounds to heal and for everyone to move on. At least, that's how it would be in my book. Maybe later there can be friendship, but there better not be any hiding it from your someone new.

I'd have to agree with you, Lorra. I'd have a lot of trouble trusting someone who said he stilled loved his ex. It sounds like, to me, that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Granted, I've never been in any situation like this before. But, I agree you should sit down and have a serious talk with him. Try to be non-confrontational, and just have a calm discussion, because truly, you want the best for both of you. And maybe the best isn't being together... I know that hurts, but you have to do what feels right to you. If being together is what's best, then you have to come up with a plan on how to deal with this, which will take a lot of time.

Good luck. Keep posting, keep venting, we're here for you.

Personally, I would be devastated just like you. And I would not be sure if I could trust what he said either as far as his feelings for me. First he says he loves her, and then he says he loves me? HUH? Give me a break, dude!

Yes, I'd want to sit down and talk to him. I'd insist on the TRUTH -- does he still love her? Does he still cry for her? Does he want OUT?? I'd tell him (even tho it would make a difference) that whatever he decides is ok with me. If he wants to stay together, fine. If he wants to break up, fine. (Waaaaaa) But I wouldn't make a scene cause I wouldn't want to give him the satisfaction. I can go cry in my beer later.

I'm sure you ARE hurt -- I know I would be, and I'd be really unsure about trusting him in the future. No, he didn't cheat, but given the opportunity I think he probably would have. So if you two stay togethr, be careful. You may end up getting your heart broken again. God bless and PLEASE take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee v

I was struck by the above; if you tell someone else something important to you, they should pick up on that and "care", either in a very supportive way or it should bother them, or they should. . .something. If you can't tell, if they just "didn't seem", then it would strike me as their not paying very good attention to me. A quick, "No, that's all right, babe" or similar would not do it for me. I would be surprised if something difficult for me were that easy for the other person.

Now on to do I think you should give him another chance. . .

If I were in your shoes; that you were suspicious, went looking, and found; I would not like any of those three verbs in my relationship? I would fall back, regroup, and work on my own self esteem and learning better communication skills; not necessarily just for one's own "use" but so you could spot a person who is bad at it and not associate with them.

If you have a PhD you don't generally associate with high school drop outs; not because there is anything wrong with high school drop outs, just that they are not very likely to have much in common with one. Yes, one "could" perhaps make it work but the problems the differences cause make it something just "love" can't quite be enough for.

Maturity is similar; I think that is why you don't see as many older women with younger men; older men who decide to drop their wives and date younger women, in my opinion, tend to be less emotionally mature than older women.

To me, maturity seems to go hand-in-hand with self esteem; I would work on my self esteem and communication skills (so you don't have to go looking and find, you know how to communicate what you want to know and judge the answer) and jealousy doesn't occur to you because of your self esteem. I'm not saying you will never be cheated on again, just that you will have a lot more tools to both dodge more bullets and fire off a few of your own if endangered.

Oh dear, my wording seems to have been bad yet again. >.< It was more of an, "It doesn't matter to me, I love you anyway and we can work through this," kind of don't care. He was supportive and very proud of me for telling him.
About the rest of your message-
you're dead on. My self-esteem is lower than low, and I need to try to work on that. I think a break from each other would be a good thing for me (and him as well) so I can regroup. He's going on vacation with his family, so I'm going to take this opportunity to sit down and really think about what I want and need. Thank you so much. <3

RomanSunburn-
First off, I love your avatar (is that what they call them here? D.
Second, your post was probably the most helpful for me. I was thinking along the same lines as you were with the "he wants to have his cake and eat it too." I did end up having a serious talk with him, but we didn't get very far. It was more the fact that we were both very emotional and crying and had to take a step back for the night. He said he still wants to be with me, but I think I need to seriously think about whether or not I want to be with him. I was a bit afraid to check back here and look at the responses because of the first one I got. I was beginning to wonder if the way I was feeling was completely out of line and that I was crazy for thinking he did something wrong at all. I appreciate your response so very, very much. Thank you.

Leed-
Thank God I'm not the only one who would be devastated. As I said, we didn't get very far in our conversation, so I'm going to talk to him again sometime soon. I'm not one that really beats around the bush, so he knows that if I catch him in any lie again, we're through. I intend on following through, too. Thank you so much, dear. You're very helpful.

Oh dear... serious conversation time for me. Wish me luck, guys. Thank you so much for your support. I'm not much farther along than I was when I first posted, but I'll do what you said, RomanSunburn, and I'll keep venting.

God bless, all of you. <3 Thank you so much.