Difficulties Communicating With My Brother

My brother and I are complete and utter opposites in terms of personalities, temperments, and life styles. He is an extrovert, strong willed, determined, highly motived, high energy, Type A,...etc whereas I am the complete opposite to him. He has been in many long term relationships and is now married. He is a full time university student and has a full time job. Again, I'm the complete opposite to him. As well he doesn't have a dx mental illness whereas I do.

My brother and I seem to only get along when I agree to be submissive to him and remain emotionally neutral.

He likes to say things like "Zen, you have a mental illness...blah...blah". When he says things like this to me I feel like a load of crap. I feel inferior to him and I certianly do not feel respected nor loved by him.

I do my best to distance myself from him because his choice of words and behaviour towards me makes my blood boil.

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He has agreed to come over and discuss my financial situation with me tentively sometime next week. He insists on being in control in every conversation we have, he likes to give me a psych evaluation almost everytime we are together, and to "tell me how life is" and "how I should live my life".

I am dreading him coming over. I want to keep it strictly professional and stick to the matter at hand...my financial situation...NOT my mental health situation.

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Any ideas on how to talk to someone like this?

Zen, I'm not sure but i assume he's older? Even tho that may be true, he's MUCH more immature than you are. Men don't mature at the same rate as women, and it's going to take some time before he realizes that statements such as that are totally RUDE and unnecessary! If I were you, I would ask him why he has to keep mentioning the fact that you have a mental illness? You already know it, so why does he have to continually throw it in your face as if you were a leper or something? There is NO shame in having a mental illness. It's no different than if you have diabetes. It's an ILLNESS. And he's immature, which is worse than having a mental illness. HA HA.

Just thought I'd throw that last sentence in for you to hit him with. Actually immaturity isn't worse. It's a fact of life, and he's just going to have to grow up. LOL I wish you the very best. He's being a jerk right now, and until he stops, if I were you I would avoid him as this kind of communication is toxic to you . God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

I love Leed's post, spot on!

May I add, just because he's family, it doesnt mean you have to take that. Am sure you wouldnt be friends with someone who spoke to you like this or caused you upset, and nor should you take it just because its from your brother.

Stick up for yourself, dont have to be rude, but just firm. Say that you do not appreciate him putting you down or start lecturing you and will leave the room next time he does it. He sounds a bit of a bully, and just because you dont live your life the same way as he does, doesnt mean its not working for you if your happy. Not everyone can be the life and soul of the party nor does everyone want to be.

Not to sound rude but he sounds like a jerk and possible narcissist. Try not let his words get you down. Don't take it personal looks like he has his own issues and feels the need to feel like "Mr. Big Shot" to overcome his shortcomings. Maybe you could try telling him how it makes you feel when he treats you like that.

Hi Zen888 - From what you've said it doesn't sound as though you should feel inferior - if he's so ignorant as to think a person is defined by their illness perhaps it is better you distance yourself from him. And besides a person doesn't have to be mentally ill to experience mental illness - we're not infalliable. He may have all these big accomplishments and 'successful' life but i would swap those for compassion and understanding in a second. It sounds to me as though he is overcompensating. A lot. I would be the bigger person and be there for him regardless of whether or not he eventually comes to this realisation. In the meantime focus on you and what you want to achieve in life - accomplishments mean nothing unless we want them for ourselves and ourselves alone. All the best.

Thank-you so much for your support!

He is coming over Friday @ 10 AM! I probably won't sleep well tonight because he is coming over to help me with my finances...VERY scared about the state of my financial situation.

I know he will come in and give me a psych evaluation of the cleanliness of my home and what it says about my mental stablity...etc. And then random questions about how social I am, level of exercise, why my curtains are always closed, and that he doesn't have time to answer all my e-mails (sometimes I'm just checking in to say hello not expecting a reply or passing on info...but if he gets more than 2 e-mails a week I get a lecture about how busy he is and that it's not normal to send so many e-mails...I send approximately one e-mail every couple of days).

If the crap hits the fan about my finances going down the tiolet...I will really need a tremendous amount of support and kindness.

I think we have the same brother

(I understand needing help and having to endure torture from family in order to get it. I changed the dynamics by simply stating, very calmly, "You know I'm not well, right? Like right now, speaking with you, is really, really hard for me. I go to the doctor. I am working on it. I need help." period.

However he responds is on him. I wish you luck! and no response other than an "OK" and then ... peace and quiet! )

Please let us know how it goes.

I had my meeting with my brother this morning. He is in university getting...his Masters in counselling.

I was given 45 minutes of his time...standard therapy session time limit? He had his "therapist hat" on the entire time. He spoke to me and treat me just like a therapist would. He demanded that he be in control at all times during our conversation. I tried my best to assert myself and have a mature discussion with him about they way he makes me feel when he says things like "Zen, you have a mental illness"....etc and that he and his wife are the only ones being upset by my MI. When I tried to point out to him where he had short comings in his behaviour, and he too had sent me nasty e-mails...........etc he just through it right back onto me. He said that I was being argumentative and trying to start an argument. I was simply trying to assert myself and show him in a polite manner that I will not roll over and play dead...be submissive...nor remain emotionally neutral 110% of the time. And he said he doesn't want to know what a typical day/week/month is like for me with my MI. And that if I blow up at him again and his wife that he will walk away from me for good. And let a social worker deal with me.

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Financial matters...

My financial advisor and my brother are giving me mixed messages about what to do with my finances. FA is telling me to consider selling and then renting. My brother is saying sell my car, greatly reduce my spending...etc.

I am very sad, scared, upset, and confused. I really don't know what to do or whom to trust.

I feel like exploding right now. I am a nervous wreck. I managed to force myself to eat lunch and keep hydrated.

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I really don't enjoy my brother's company. He insists that he be the therapist and in control of the discussion...and that I just agree with everything and keep my thoughts to myself...along with my emotions.

Well, bravo for trying to talk to your brother, you did a very difficult thing and hey, I really mean this, but good on you! It seems that you will never get him to understand you, or what his effect has on you but at least you tried and this must help you know where you stand with him. Is there any way that you can keep away for a bit, keep him at arms length? He may be meaning well by trying to help you, but the bully tactics are just too much. He's just like my dad. If you dont listen to them, and do what they say, they get angry. Its awful to threaten to walk away from you just because you tried to stick up for yourself, and its more than awful that he admitted he has no interest with your MI. Am so sorry.

Over your finances, its up to you of course. I gather that your struggling to keep your house? Is there any way you can possible rent a room out to help pay? Is the house somewhere that you really want to keep hold of, and makes you feel safe? Or is the house becoming a lead weight around you and making you feel worse? I think its your choice, a tough one of course, but its great that you're exploring all the options. I do wish you all the best with it, and please please look after yourself, nobody and nothing is worth making you feel worse - including your brother. Oh, and if he speaks to his future patients like he does you, then he's going to harm a few people. Sounds like the worst person to be a therapist. Sorry to be so mean about your brother.

((((Zen)))) you did it! I am really sorry to learn your brother was being so unsupportive and hurtful. Again.

I dont know all the details, but is there any way you can distance yourself now that you have met and (he has) "talked". I agree with riot in that you should not have to subject yourself to such abuse.

I am really happy for you that you were able to stand up for yourself. Although, I am terribly sad to learn he was behaving that way.

I hope you are ok. Please let us know how you are doing

I am stuck dealing with my brother in regards to my financial situation because he is my only family...and I have no friends.

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I think for now I will just keep it to polite e-mails and telephone calls if I'm lucky.

His wife shares the same opinion of me due to what my brother has told her about me and my nasty e-mails I sent them when I was not feeling well.

I have apologised numerous times for my poor behaviour and nasty e-mails. But they don't care.

What hurts the most is that my brother doesn't even give a crap what a typical day/week/month is like for me. What he does care about is what he likes to call "feedback" from himself and his wife regarding my behaviour. I am fully aware of the impact my poor behaviour has on people when I'm not feeling well...but he feels the need to tell me this as though I'm retarded and live under a rock.

In order to "get along with my brother and his wife...keep the peace" I have to suck up and brown nose them.

I know this seems really mean but for now I'm just going to use them to help me out in life.

I understand. I was in that same position. The second I could get away (in this case, it was my mother), I implemented total radio silence. At first, I dont think she really bought into it. But when I continued and stuck to my guns, so to speak, she got the message. When she emails me now, I respond with polite one or two word sentences...I stopped being the scapegoat. Now, she only has herself to contend with. I wonder sometimes who she is bullying or hurting/bothering now that I removed myself from the equation...but not for long...it is a passing thought that I dont get stuck with.

Over time, the distance, it has really helped me to see just how very cruel and unwell she was/is. I will never go back to that. Also, btw, I realized it wasnt me at all. She used my need / hurt to empower herself. She cannot take it out on me anymore and suck the life out of me. Like a vampire. I also realized she was repeating a pattern that she experienced with my grandmother.

Rose

Zen good for you!!! I really mean that. It is so hard to stand up to a family member.
Remember that you only have control yourself, not the other person. You have acted with the maturity that he can only hope to have one day. For his sake I hope that he seeks therapy himself. Sounds like he needs it!

Hi Zen,
This is interesting to read, because I'm in a similar position, but opposite from you-- i'm more of the calm "let's just be positive and not freak out" type, and my brother (different from you) is... basically a bully. he blames and bullies me for everything, yells and screams in public (even in front of my coworkers) and... is just a big cloud of negativity.
I'm having the worst troubles communicating with him...

I've found it would help SHORT TERM if i just ... let him be, let him yell at me, and just sit there with a smile. but now it's turned to "ha! so you have nothing to talk about? YOU are SO SELFISH!!"... stuff like that.
It's so difficult... so so difficult...

I think where i'm at right now... is to either cut him out of my life, or ... i dunno... go to counselling with him TOGETHER.. coz this is not working out. his constant bullying has made me too stressed out... my hair has fallen out from stress, and i've lost a bunch of weight...