I feel so horrible right now that I just want to drink. I've never had a drink in my life because I have alcoholic parents and don't want to be like them. I can surely understand the need to drown out your feelings though. I thought about going to the store to buy some alcohol, but can you believe that I'd actually be too ashamed to purchase it??? I would think the cashier would think I was an alcoholic. I've never been one to avoid dealing with my feelings before, but I just can't take it anymore. I can't stand to think about how I've been with this guy for almost 2 years who doesn't even want to love me. To this day, he keeps me a secret from his scummy wife who just had her 3rd child. This makes it 3 kids with 3 different dads. And she's got my BF wrapped around her little finger just because she was/is married to him and he is such a push-over with her. After she cheated on him and it resulted in her 2nd pregnancy, he actually stayed with her knowing it wasn't his kid. Thankfully he doesn't pay child support for that kid now, just his biological-daughter. I can't even talk about my feelings with him anymore. I never really could because he gets so angry with me if I talk about love and honesty, and all those things that are supposed to make up a good relationship. He used me as a looooong term rebound, or just settled for me when he realized that his wife wasn't going back to him. He's scared of her, and says she'll take him for more child support if I say anything to her....if she found out about me. Twice in the whole time I have known him, I tried to contact her, and it ended up with me being the bad guy. It's like he's still on her side. What am I??? I feel like nothing. And logically I know I'm not nothing. Some would say I'm quite a good catch, but he's really torn me down now. I JUST found out that this tramp had this new baby. He's known about it for almost a year, and for some reason hid it from me. It couldn't be his......I found a picture online. It's looks absolutely nothing like him. I can't understand the possible reasons why he would hide this from me though, and still insist on keeping me a secret from her. He says he's ashamed he was ever married to a woman like that.......but he's not even with her anymore, so I don't get it. He thinks I would've told the people we worked with. Well, I haven't worked there for 3 months now, and if he respected me enough to just be honest, I wouldn't have any reason to tell anyone anything. The only reason I ever talked to anyone about me and him was because I had no one else to talk to, and his apparent lack of care, but reluctance to just let me go hurts me so much. I have one other friend, and he is a guy. Out of undeserved respect for my BF, I stopped hanging out with my guy friend because it would've reinforced my BF's insecurities. Anyway, the fact that he HID this from me makes me very suspicious, and he doesn't even understand that. I ended up contacting wife on FB because I had an immature moment. I just wanted to tell her and everyone she knows what kind of a woman she is. I don't know this for sure, but wouldn't doubt that she's lied to her friends and family about who the fathers are of her kids. I told her to get on some birth control, or get her tubes tied. I'm really just angry that my BF seemed to have loved and respected that woman so much, and still does respect her, but he treats me like some kind of servant. I'm only here to serve his needs. He's been hoping that I will be there to help pay half his living expenses, so he doesn't have to be so broke from paying so much child support. (oh, he has 2 kids from a previous relationship that he yells at their mom if she asks for more child support.) It's like he expects me to be the sucker who takes care of all his baggage. I cannot handle it. It he were honest and not love sick over that wife while he was trying to be with me, and did things the right way, I wouldn't mind helping him with his kids, but this is way too much. I guess I just can't deal with the truth.......he never cared for me......he just wanted to use me. I'm so angry that I let him. I'm so angry that I fell for his sweet talk.

[girlwithbrownhair]

Who are you the angriest with?

You deserved better. You still do. Think one good thing about the relationship and move on. And ask yourself why you went after a man with a girlfriend/wife, and not somebody who was free to attach himself to you, in a healthy way. Because if a guy who had a significant other and 3 kids came on to ME? I'd be grossed out and not at all attracted to that. Good luck. (And as for the booze? Again? Why are you sabotaging your happiness?)

[LiveThroughThis]

Just wanted to say I have an alcoholic parent--along with numerous alcoholics in the family tree--and I waited until my 20s to even try alcohol out the same gigantic fear I'd instantly become a drunk myself. Thankfully it didn't catch on for me at first. But I got to a point this year where I was so irritable and mad I wanted a drink because I knew it would calm me (alcohol doesn't make me wild or crazy, just makes me kind of tired and gives me a headache)---I immediately went to my P-doc cause I knew that was a bad sign. Worked on my meds, and to this day he sees nothing wrong with me having a drink every once in awhile, but I'm afraid to risk it.

As for the man/boy troubles, I haven't been in your exact situation, but I have had my share of guys who are flaky, used me for their rebound, and simply weren't "men." I allowed myself to think they were good enough because my relationship w/my father was always nonexistent. It wasn't until a couple of years ago I was able to find a great guy who truly likes to communicate and be upfront for me to realize what I was missing. I can relate to the pattern/cycle that you're in. It's very difficult to weave oneself out of that.....but I've seen many other people do it, as well as myself. It will take a lot of time--perhaps even seeing a counselor? having someone else to help lift you up can be a big asset--but you're obviously a strong person, so you can do it. It's itty bitty steps.

Cheers to you for reading between the lines with your BF and allowing yourself to see alot of the truth for what it is.

Well, I don't want to look like a homewrecker here. The wife was already gone before we started this last round. He is pretty slick, you know, as these types of men usually are. They had a pretty despicable "marriage," and there was nothing holy about their union. He cheated on his girlfriend at the time with current wife. He claims that the wife was just supposed to be a fling, but ended up pressuring him to leave the girl, and harrassing the girl with calls, lying about birth control, etc. etc. I never did any such thing. I got the heck out and away, but somehow got all tangled back up in the mess a year later. Yes, I will definitely be asking myself what would make me fall for a man like this. Even if he was technically divorced, he would've still been emotionally unavailable, as he is to this day. Once I start my new job, I think I will start planning a move to a nicer, bigger place minus this freeloading jerk. I'll dump him onto his mommy where he should've gone in the first place.

[Harley47]

Hi there. I hope i can be of of some help.

Firstly, I do understand the being "ashamed" of buying a vice...I smoke with my roommate, roughly a pack a week, and I wish I had a quarter for every time I've had a cashier stare at me like some subhuman species for asking for a pack of Marlboro Reds. -_- I wouldn't advise drowning away your sorrows, as that's not a healthy response (especially if alcoholism runs in your family), but I don't think you should feel ashamed of buying it, per se. You're an adult, and you have the ability to make those decisions. lol So...I'm not advocating you buying a drink, and I am hoping you don't, but I'm hoping you wouldn't feel bad about it if you do...does that make any sense?

But speaking more to the point, I don't think your relationship is going to improve as long as he does in fact still have a wife. Some part of him is always going to feel something towards her. He did, after all, marry her, whether it was a "fling" or not. Even if he doesn't love her, the notion that he is A) supposed to and B) the social ramifications of the whole thing are going to bog him down, and thus affect you. I don't think he is going to be willing to change that any time soon.

That being said, and I hope I don't offend in this, as you know your situation better than I, but I think you'd be doing yourself a service by leaving him and finding someone else. I don't mean this to offend or judge you by any means, but someone who has shown a willingness to have "other women" in his life isn't the one for you, you know? Why would he show you any more courtesy than what he has shown others? I think you can do better than this "man."

Additionally, I don't think you're a homewrecker by any means. Please, don't think of yourself like that. I think her and him both did a rather admirable job of wrecking their own home...I'm not sure there was much left to wreck by the time you got there, based on how you describe it. You're not at fault there.

You can do much better than this boy Aquarius, and I hope your next post will be you proving that statement right.

My absolute best to you, and you're in my prayers.

Hugs,
Harley

[girlwithbrownhair]

Originally Posted by Aquarius8

Well, I don't want to look like a homewrecker here. The wife was already gone before we started this last round. He is pretty slick, you know, as these types of men usually are. They had a pretty despicable "marriage," and there was nothing holy about their union. He cheated on his girlfriend at the time with current wife. He claims that the wife was just supposed to be a fling, but ended up pressuring him to leave the girl, and harrassing the girl with calls, lying about birth control, etc. etc. I never did any such thing. I got the heck out and away, but somehow got all tangled back up in the mess a year later. Yes, I will definitely be asking myself what would make me fall for a man like this. Even if he was technically divorced, he would've still been emotionally unavailable, as he is to this day. Once I start my new job, I think I will start planning a move to a nicer, bigger place minus this freeloading jerk. I'll dump him onto his mommy where he should've gone in the first place.

Hey, relax....I don't think you're a home wrecker. Yea, dump the guy. But be aware that this may be a pattern for you. Watch the signals you send to men: they can sniff out our pain. (Trust me, I've been there. Predators love blood.) So when you date again, be strong. Stay strong. I advise you be aware and don't give them too much information and don't badmouth your last boyfriend lest you inadvertently send out signals you like that kind of guy...Me, I flirt with the charmers...but I don't date them. They're charming for a reason. Real men are too busy living life to worry about what people think of them...so do the same. Those kind are worth waiting for. Best to ya.

I'm sorry girlwithbrownhair, I am just too quick to defend myself because in my experience with this so far, I've been judged as the "bad guy." I didn't mean anything by it, I was just over explaining my role in the mess. I think marriage these days is alllllllllllllllll backwards.

[LiveThroughThis]

Originally Posted by girlwithbrownhair

Hey, relax....I don't think you're a home wrecker. Yea, dump the guy. But be aware that this may be a pattern for you. Watch the signals you send to men: they can sniff out our pain. (Trust me, I've been there. Predators love blood.) So when you date again, be strong. Stay strong. I advise you be aware and don't give them too much information and don't badmouth your last boyfriend lest you inadvertently send out signals you like that kind of guy...Me, I flirt with the charmers...but I don't date them. They're charming for a reason. Real men are too busy living life to worry about what people think of them...so do the same. Those kind are worth waiting for. Best to ya.

You're spot on with this one, at least for me. The charmers! Man you nailed that. I did not realize for a long time that that's all they really are, and as you said, they're charming for a reason. My current bf--real man--is definitely not concerned with what others think of how he looks/what he likes/etc. (something I could learn a thing or two from him). It took the "emotional vampires" to get out of my system before I could see that, though.

Aquarius, I understand the need to defend yourself. I don't do it with my bf, but I have the same problem in regards to my family---overexplaining in hopes they'll "get me" when they never have and don't really try that hard to, IMHO.

to all of us

Yes, he's a charmer. I even tell him he is, and that's he's just trying to manipulate me to get his own way. Anyway, I do notice a pattern with me. Every guy I've been with has been heartbroken by another woman. It's not like I seek out these men intentionally, but I must be sending some signals out that say, "Hey, come cry on my shoulder!!" Then, over time, I've developed some kind of inferiority complex. I feel like men will never love me first, I am just the one they settle for because they cannot be with their true love. Like I will always be 2nd best, and they'll be dreaming of the first forever. I don't really know where this comes from. Anyone else feel like this?

[LiveThroughThis]

Originally Posted by Aquarius8

Yes, he's a charmer. I even tell him he is, and that's he's just trying to manipulate me to get his own way. Anyway, I do notice a pattern with me. Every guy I've been with has been heartbroken by another woman. It's not like I seek out these men intentionally, but I must be sending some signals out that say, "Hey, come cry on my shoulder!!" Then, over time, I've developed some kind of inferiority complex. I feel like men will never love me first, I am just the one they settle for because they cannot be with their true love. Like I will always be 2nd best, and they'll be dreaming of the first forever. I don't really know where this comes from. Anyone else feel like this?

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, I certainly don't mean for it to, but telling your bf he's a charmer, etc. doesn't do any good; it won't change him. When/if ppl like that want to change, they do it on their own.

I don't know I've had the same beliefs about myself you have, but I spent years having no understanding of what a mature/responsible bf "looked like"--I don't mean appearance, but the overall package. Reason? My father was never around, broke promises, is passive aggressive, and communicates like a 10 yr old. Therefore, I had no real model of a healthy guy in my life, so I went for the guys who were smart, creative, interesting....but simultaneously flaky, didn't return calls, and did not see the error in their ways (all traits of my father). I played games too without knowing it--fishing for compliments, "how much do you like me" etc. Took a lot of help from friends/working through my past to finally go, "I don't deserve that ****, I thought I did. But how my dad is isn't my fault, and I can have better men in my life than him." It wasn't overnight, but it seeped in my cells slowly.

I hope that helped you a lil.