My boyfriend slept with another woman

Hi. This is my first time doing anything like this, so I apologize if I suck...

Today I found out my boyfriend slept with another woman last night.

This morning, I found him at my door. I thought it odd since no plans were made to see each other, but maybe this was one of his surprise visits? When I opened the door, he was hanging his head, covering his face, and crying. I asked if he was ok, if everything was ok...( his mother died just a few months ago, and I was afraid to hear something bad had happened to his father). He looked me in the eyes, and told me he was with someone last night.

Everything seemed to stop around me. I started shaking. I didn't(and still don't ) know what to make of the situation. He kept apologizing over, and over again, telling me there was no excuse...very remorseful. I was pretty much quiet the whole time, and finally I started sharing with him my list of mixed emotions: Anger, Vulnerable, Betrayed, Hurt, Confused...I told him I had so many questions, none of them I wanted answered but when I asked them He gave me simple answers; nod of the head and/or a quiet yes/no.

He was supposed to have been having a guys night, but they flaked and so he called around for people to come over ( he does that. he hates being alone) one person, the only person that came over was this woman. I didn't/don't want to know her name. They drank (I'm unsure how much) and he just doesn't know. He isn't using anything as an excuse

What doesn't make sense, is when we were texting that night, I had asked what he was doing and he said he was just watching THEM play video games. I told him to quit talking to me, and hang out with his friends. He said he was practicing mulitasking. When I told him I was going to visit a friend of mine, and finally agreed. I text him when I was leaving, and he didn't reply until maybe an hour or two later "good deal", and heard nothing from him when i told him i was going to bed, but I did get my "surprise" visit. I told him I couldn't look at him, and wanted him gone, he started to leave, but asked to stay and talk. I told him I couldn't with a hickey on his neck, then he left.

He's tried contacting me a few times today, which makes me angry bc I told him not to. Truth be told, I'd probably be angry if he didn't try, though. I'm so hurt, I don't know what to do. He's had previous girlfriends that have cheated on him, and he has made it perfectly clear that it is unacceptable and if I were to ever we would be done. Now that the tables have turned, he is apologizing profusely and asking forgiveness.

I've been thinking all day what to do...Forgive? Or not to forgive? I really want to forgive, but I don't know if I will be able to. I've been seeing a sickening image of him and a faceless woman all day. Only time will tell I suppose, but words of wisdom help too.

I wish that I had some words of wisdom that would ease your pain & answer your Q's, but I can't do either one. Different people have different rules. I also think that one doesn't really know how willing they are to forgive until they are placed into that situation. Personally, I'm extremely rigid. I can't see myself ever forgiving my bf or hub for cheating! But, maybe his tenacity to make the relationship and seeking my forgiveness would finally win me over. IDK!

Either way, this major event just occurred yesterday. It is going to take time for you to work through your emotions and discover just how willing you are to forgive. I am very sorry for your suffering.... I wish you the best!

I'm so sorry this happened to you. This is one of the hardest things to work thru.

Personally, I don't know if I'd be able to forgive or not. Like you, I'd keep seeing that image in my mind. It would keep haunting me, and I'm not sure I'd be able to get rid of it.

Naturally you've heard the saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater." I believe in that. However, with your bf, having him come over almost immediately and confess -- I'm not sure that applies to him. Most guys do every thing they can to keep their gf from finding out, including lying thru their teeth. So depending on his actions NOW, and how badly he wants to work on this relationship, you're going to have to make the final decision as to whether to forgive him or get rid of him. I don't know what to tell you about getting rid of the image tho. That's a really HARD one. Just try to replace it with something else I guess.

I wish you the very best. Please take good care of yourself and God bless. Hugs, Lee

When I broke up with my girlfriend. She slapped me, as they would. I asked my best friend to go out with her to get over me. When I found out they did I was like I'm not doing this anymore. I don't forgive either of them not ev3er. My best friend didn't comfort me in any way for my loss instead he moved in on my rebound. the world sucks I wish I had stayed with her, but I ended up dispising both of thier dirty acts.

Slater, I am so sorry...this is something incredibly painful to deal with. I am sorry you have to experience it.

I am in agreement with Leed and Shezbut...personally, I am not sure I could move past it. However, to be fair to him, he did apologize to you, and he did seem remorseful. That does NOT make it okay, but it does at least show that he is legitimately sorry and remorseful for what he did. I cannot condone him putting you through this, but I can at least respect him that he at least cares enough to admit this to you and seek your forgiveness. If he was simply trying to "play" you, you'd never know until you found out. That was the case with mine.

Understand that if you want to work through this with him, that even if you forgive him, the feelings will still be there for some time. You need to be patient with yourself as you try to overcome, and he needs to be patient with you as well. He also needs to understand that what he did was very, very wrong, and that he will have work to bridge the inevitable rift that this has caused. That takes time and a lot of dedication on both your parts. I've been cheated on twice. I did everything in my power to try to work past it on the first one. She did not, thus, it failed. I tell you that so that you may understand that trying to work past something of this magnitude is not a guarantee of success.

Ultimately, the choice is up to you. I recommend you give yourself some time to think about this rationally, when the news isn't fresh. You need to be able to determine with both your heart and your mind that you can get past this, that you can trust him again, and that you see long term viability. If you can, then congrats. If you cannot, it may be time to break things off.

Please know I am praying for you, and I wish you all of my best.

Hugs,
Harley

This is definitely because of the death recently beloved. I too am a person who requires no cheating whatsoever. After my brother died three years ago, I cheated on my husband who I have been with exclusively for eleven years. Everything came to light and we have resolved this issue. Death does something to people. You can survive this if you have it in you beloved. For us, our three children and past relationship were barely enough to scrape up the bits left after the tragedy that wreaked our lives suddenly and unexpectedly. If this is really love, you will scrape the bits up and recreate a relationship from the wreckage left behind. If not, you will at the least walk away with the experience that life has dealt out to you beloved. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Yours truly, Lightbulb7

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I know how heartbreaking it is. No matter what you do, you are going to need TIME. Not that it makes what he did any better, but I don't think I have actually ever heard of a man being honest about cheating to his girlfriend right after it happened.

It's devastating to find out I know first hand. You will need plenty of time to heal from this. Personally I would never forgive the other person but that's just me because I do not believe in cheating at all.

Thank you, everyone, for the kind words of advice. I was trying to decide, forgive or not to forgive...it was killing me. I decided in order to make any sort of decision, I needed to have a very frank, honest talk about what had happened, and other things.(before that, I hadn't talked to him. I couldn't talk to him)

When I told him I wanted to talk, he was elated, and came over immediately. We talked about things. I had a list of questions I wrote down, and asked him. He answered each one, and although I heard some things I didn't necessarily want to hear, it helped me make what I thought was a better decision.

I decided I wanted to try and work through this, not just for him, but for me and my character. I'd always imagined that if I was ever faced with this situation, I'd hope I could forgive. Because, if you love them, at least try...and if I were to ever make such a mistake I hope my actions would be treated the same.

It's not back to normal, and i don't feel it will be for a while, but there are moments when we forget and it's like it never happened. I've had talks with him, asking if he feels the same too, which he does. And, in some reguards, its brought us closer. I'm not saying I'm glad it happened, or recommend infidelity, but when you are given the decision to lose someone who means so much it's an eye opener, and you may try harder than before.

Of course, with me giving him another chance, there are certain things that he can't do like before. I've asked him to immediately cut all ties with that woman, to not have any girls at the house, to keep his conversations with women very businesslike and short, no drinking, entirely new bed, and sex is a long way down our road.

I just started letting him kiss me again, and before that I only allowed him to hug/hold me. He's so thankful that I decided to try again. Now that I've made that decision, I'm unsure if it's right...

I want to move home one day (about 30hr drive straight through). I miss it terribly. I've always been open, and honest about me moving back. He was down with the possibility of moving when we first started dating. However, since his mother passed, he and his father have become almost inseparable. It tears them apart each time we leave ( his father lives about 2 1/2 hr away). Besides the friends I've made in the area, the closest family I have is 12 hr away

He came home with me for a visit, and loved it all; the area, weather, my family & friends. But, it hurts me that he cannot give me some sort of yes/no answer when I mention moving towards my family at some point in time. He simply tells me, he cannot leave his dad. I understand what he's saying, but I feel that the person you love is the person you love, and you would do anything for ( just like I'm trying again, and staying out here for him) But after putting up with this b.s. I feel I am entitled to some sort of commitment!

I added a quick reply telling everyone thank you, and giving a quick update. where do the "quick replies" show?? Thx!

I am going to come back to reading what others have said, I tend to end up replying to their comments and forgetting my own.

Ok, people do things to mess up their relationships at different levels bu this for me, is one of the worst. I know you said he wasn't making excuses, and that's all fine and good but what about the out right deceit? Someone who "ends up" in a bad situation without thinking (still pretty much unexcuseable) doesn't think straight enough to actually form a lie and try to fool their partner into thinking they are with other people. this is thought out, and he knew what he was doing at the time, at the very best one could claim they were too drunk to know what they were doing, but the fact that he texted you about the fictitious situation says that he was coherent enough to make that decision.

For me, this is something I'd have a very hard time getting over. On the one hand I understand wanting to forgive but on the other, if he "gets away with it" and you forgive too easily, that's a sure fire way to make it easier next time for him to think 'well she'll just forgive me anyway" Honestly I don't know the solution and I don't think it's that cut and dry. Even if you tried to forgive, your trust has been broken badly and that's a very hard thing to repair after such a betrayal.

I would take some time to think things through.