[Unblestfool]

Hello to everyone. I am living in PAIN! And I need as much advice as I can get. Point in Case: I am living with my boyfriend 45 yrs. and his 2 boys 21 and 23. His boys come home and if they say "hi" to me, I'm lucky. There is no way I can start a conversation with them. They aren't interested. (I was dating their dad 9 mos. prior to him buying a house and myself moving in with them.) He has been divorced for approx. 15 yrs. The BIGGEST problem is his kids and himself are slobs. And my boyfriend can't stand me complaining about it! So he yells at me for complainingI and tells me "take the problem up with them." First of all the boys make me feel terribly uncomfortable around them since they accept me living there but they always in seclusion within their own minds. They will not/don't want to open up to me about ANYTHING. Usually they are not home so when I come home from work or somewhere, I never can tell which one of them left garbage laying around. I've approached my boyfried with ideas to get them to pick up after themselves, but he doesn't want to hear it. There are other problems too besides this one, but I just get no respect and nothing ever gets discussed about any problems around here. I am totally fed up and am wondering if I belong in this house hold.

Sorry this Post has been so long, but hopefully someone will have some solution to this problem. Because I am fed up and cannot deal with slobs anymore and I get No support from my boyfriend. Thank you.

[bptoo]

Hi, and welcome to the forums!

The answer to this would be simple for me, but there might be a hundred reasons why it won't work for you. If the boys won't talk to you, and your boyfriend won't help initiate a conversation about it, then stop cleaning up after them. You're nobody's slave. Just tell them straight and to the point, if they can't help you out by picking up after themselves, then they can start doing all their housework themselves. This is just total disrespect in my eyes and you don't deserve to be treated that way.

Like I said, there may be a lot of reasons why you can't to this, but It's the only thing that comes to mind right now. You deserve to be treated with respect. I hope you start getting some very soon.

All my best,
bp

"When you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance."

[LMo]

Hi UBF:
Man, I can relate to this one! I lived with my ex-husband (well, not while he was an ex...) and his son for 6 years. The first 3 or 4 years were excruciating. Same battles you describe. My ex was actually pretty good about backing me up, to his credit, but still... I hated be the bad guy all the time. And you're in even a worse situation than I was b/c your boyfriend's kids are adults - I was dealing with a kid from the age of 9-15, so I had a bit of adult authority. It DID get much better for the last 2 years, maybe b/c his son matured or realized that I was there to stay (or so we thought at the time). Or maybe we just got used to each other. Don't know.

I don't know how commited you are to this relationship, but you are really not in a good situation. There are support groups for stepmoms (which you essentially are) -- I wish I had known about internet support groups at the time, but unfortunately I didn't, so I was on my own. But I'm sure you can find one, since you managed to find THIS forum.

I tell ya... I hate to discriminate, but I will NEVER date a man with kids in the future, unless I already have kids of my own. It's a no-win situation. I don't know the details of your situation, but I'd get out if I were you. You will always be the outsider. I hope I'm wrong about that, but I'll admit that I'm bitter about this topic.

I know the pain you describe, and I'd just like to say I'm sorry you are going through this right now.

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[Unblestfool]

Dear LMo,

Thank you so much for understanding and the sharing of your past situation and the frustration I am feeling.

We briefly sought therapy and I remember the therapist explaining to my boyfriend (just as you put it) that I am feeling like the "outsider" and why I feel this way. My boyfriend just doesn't get it and, you know? he will always defend his kids as long as he feels I am nitpicking. And they will always defend him against me (because they are devoted to only him). The younger son (19) came up to visit for the holidays and caught us in an argument and saw the tears in my eyes as I said I cant' live like this. He replied, "Are you going to be all right?" and gave me a hug and said he was sorry. He's such a sweetheart. A funny thing is my boyfriend doesn't even like to discipline them! Although he does try only when he feels like it. So maybe there is some hope.

Your suggestion in finding a support group is a good one. I am going to look into it. Thanks again for your support.

Warmly,
UBF

[lonelyone]

From what I gather, you are not this man's wife so you are not these adult children's stepmother. They live like slobs and completely disregard your request that they pick up after themselves, and they aren't going to change. Their father MUST speak to them and say that they either shape up or ship out. Tell the father he must do this OR you will be shipping out (and really plan to do so).

What I can't figure out from your post is whether the boys ship in for household expenses. Do you work full time or part-time. Who pays the bills, etc. If you all work, perhaps the 4 of you can pitch in for a housekeeper a few times a week. If you work-part time and don't pay any of the bills, etc., maybe just consider it a part-time job or whatever, but I wouldn't knock myself out.

Have a "family meeting" and you make a list of things that you expect from everyone if you are stuck picking up after everybody all the time and doing the washing, cleaning, and cooking.

What it boils down to is your boyfriend has to talk to them. Like Dr. Laura would say, if the boyfriend doesn't respect you and marry you, why should you expect his kids to respect you?

I know it's a little harsh and I'm not one to give advice, but don't be a
"doormat" like I can be sometimes.

[(JD)]

You might ask yourself why you think you like raising these 3 children?

Please research anything I suggest before believing...

[LMo]

That's kinda harsh... she's writing because she DOESN'T like the situation, and she was looking for help and support. It's easy when you're on the outside looking in to tell people to just bail out of a relationship, or if there are some problems in a relationship, then there must be something psychologically wrong with them. The stigma is not cool.

Obviously, a sore spot with me. Sorry. Nothing personal.

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[Joannof3]

Hello, I read your post and hope that things are better for you .I am on the other end ,I have 3 kids ages 20,18,and 10.they say very little to my b/f of 3 yrs.... I had a long talk with my kids and found out that its NOT that they don' t like my b/f they just don't know what to say to him, the ages of the boys have alot to do with it also..they are in worlds of thier own ..as for picking up after them..I wouldnt do it.....I would start a hobby or do something to get me out of the house..If your not there to pick up after them ,maybe they will see how bad they really are..they know you will do it and that is why they leave things and dont pick up after themselves..my kids did the same thing to me But now, I get out alittle more and they have to clean for themselves they are getting to the point where they cant stand for the house to get dirty because thier friends come over and they dont want them to see the house a mess ...Bee smiles,,,I hope that you find happiness ..I will keeps you in my prayers...take care.. I wish you all the luck and hope that you keep in touch with us