Why People Don't/Can't Forgive

Why Can't I Forgive?

We all know that forgiveness is important and critical to any healing in a relationship. Still the question remains: "Why is it so hard to forgive?" I believe there are typically three main roadblocks to forgiveness.

1.) First, there's the inability to see our own mistakes and imperfections. If we are unable to see our own faults and mistakes, how can we possibly move toward forgiveness in our relationships? We must first be able to admit that we are not perfect and that we are capable of hurting people we love.

2.) Second, there's unresolved anger. Unresolved anger is a major hindrance to the healing power of forgiveness. If we refuse to let go of bitterness, rage, or hatred, we are holding on to very destructive forces. These forces are in direct contrast to the power of forgiveness, and they cannot exist together.

3.) Finally, there's a misunderstanding of what forgiveness is. Many people have great misconceptions about what forgiveness is, and therefore they struggle with it. Delusions about forgiveness are dangerous because they are not the truth. The truth will always set us free. But if we believe the lies about forgiveness, then we will refuse to forgive. Forgiveness is the key in creating loving relationships.

Is there someone you need to forgive today?
(Gary Smalley)

I don't think forgiveness has anything to do with my healing. I wrote about this in another thread, entitled "Motivations to Forgive"

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jennie said:
I don't think forgiveness has anything to do with my healing.

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I understand............. and please know that this thread was only meant to deal with forgiveness, and not healing.
Some times the two can go hand in hand and at other times they are miles apart.



LoVe,
Rhapsody -

hmmmmm... let's see if I can explain this to be understood the way I mean it to be. It's a thought that has come from a couple different therapists.

When one behaves a particular way-- such as holding a grudge or not forgiving-- there is usually something the person is getting out of such behavior.

Here's a few things one might get out of not forgiving:

1) holding on to the hurt -- to remind the partner how they felt when it all happened-- fear it will be forgotten.

2) being suspicious of the partner -- in order to be prepared if the hurt happens again.

3) not letting go of the pain as it has become a way to not get close again--kind of like a shield.

4) holding the wrong against the partner since that is what gets their attention

Everyone one is different as is every reason to behave in a particular way--- Do you think that perhaps you are getting something out of not forgiving? If so, what could it be?

just something to think about....... not meaning you apply to any one of those I mentioned.

I wish you well and inner peace.

Thanks (smiles).... maybe I need to change the original post - for the "Why I Can't Forgive: is a TITLE given to the article that was written by Dr. Gary Smalley and not by me.

I have already learned that forgiving can help in the healing process (and that) I forgive for myself for most, and then the other person (if I can).


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Ahh-- I see!

Well-- carry on then!!!

Rhapsody--

I'm one of those who have a hard time forgiving people. I think my problem is the unresolved anger.

It took my mom dying to forgive her for not believing me when her husband molested me...I don't think I've truly forgiven anyone else in my life besides her. I guess that tells you how well I deal with anger.

I can talk, talk, talk about my anger, deal with it right away, but it never seems to get resolved.

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Lexicon78 said:
I'm one of those who have a hard time forgiving people. I think my problem is the unresolved anger.

It took my mom dying to forgive her for not believing me when her husband molested me...I don't think I've truly forgiven anyone else in my life besides her. I guess that tells you how well I deal with anger.
.

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((((((( HUGS ))))))) Lexi.....

Try checking out this book - it helped me let go of a lot of unresolved anger, and all with out even having to know the WHY to it all. My T recommended this book to me and I loved it all.... I just left out the one section that I did not believe in (reincarnation) as the author tells you to do if you do not share his vision in this area.

Radical Forgiveness (by; Colin Tipping)
.... great 13 step recovery CD as well - I use it every week, if not every day.

LINK: http://www.radicalforgiveness.com/
BOOK LINK: http://www.radicalforgiveness.com/mm...tegory_Code=BK


LoVe,
Rhapsody -
~ Friend of a Wounded Heart ~

It is so hard to forgive someone who is very arrogant and refuses (or cannot) see that they have caused unnecessary hurt and physical pain.

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Sabrina0805 said:
It is so hard to forgive someone who is very arrogant and refuses (or cannot) see that they have caused unnecessary hurt and physical pain.

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Yes it is.... and then again it can say a lot for the person that can moved past that and forgive any ways - - - it can be done, I did it (and) it was for ME and ME alone.... no one else!


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Yes, I have done it, in fact, I am still doing it. But it doesn't get any easier!

Gosh this is a great topic and one that is very close to me. I have heard all the reasons that are usually given for why to forgive, and they just don't ring true to me.
I had 23 years of my life hijacked and that is time that is forever gone. As far as i can see, there was no purpose served by my suffering the abuse that i did all those years.
I did find a book that makes the most sense of anything i have heard so far, and the title is "Forgiving the Unforgivable"--by Beverly Flannigan The book takes a very different approach than any others i have read (and i've read alot about forgiveness)

Boo Radley

I hear you and No girl it does not always get easier..... and at times you even want to HATE that same person again. And for some it could take a life time to achieve..... and that is fine too, as long as they are working on it and not slipping back into the old hate & anger - - always trying to move forward.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

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BooRadley said:
I had 23 years of my life hijacked and that is time that is forever gone. As far as i can see, there was no purpose served by my suffering the abuse that i did all those years.

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Dear BooRadley, ((( hugs )))

We all have felt as you once did after being hurt, destroyed and abused.... and while I could not see it then I can say that a good has been found within the wrong done to me - I can now help another.... with mercy, compassion and understanding, filled with unconditional love.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

I think it hurts so much to forgive when the forgiveness is borne out of loving that person so deeply, not being able to hate them. It hurts then, to forgive.

What a paradox.

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Lexicon78 said:
I can talk, talk, talk about my anger, deal with it right away, but it never seems to get resolved.

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Lexicon . . . EXACTLY!!!

anger can be beneficial . . . forgiveness is overrated

this is an excellent topic . . . what is resolved anger??? just like forgiveness, resolved anger is defined many ways.

Such a moving post, thanks Rhapsody for posting this. I truly believe that not forgiving, even the worse of pains, can be like holding a rattle snake around your neck...it literally sucks the life out of you....it's sadly such a waste of consumed time and energy.

I do have my difficulties forgiving people in my life, especially the most recent pains. I really have been working, slowly but surely, forgiving my Dad for giving up on me and banning me from his home because he considered me evil. I just began forgiving my Mom for doing what she did to my terminally ill Grandmother while she was in her care. I'm still working on her abandoning us when I was 14 and taking 7,500 grand from my sister and I after our Grandmother passed.

It's very hard to forgive people who have hurt you, but I feel for one's own sake, they would benefit from forgiving everybody, including themselves.

Thanks for this post.

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desirae said:
Such a moving post, thanks Rhapsody for posting this. I truly believe that not forgiving, even the worse of pains, can be like holding a rattle snake around your neck...it literally sucks the life out of you....it's sadly such a waste of consumed time and energy. .

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AMEN!!!! - and that is why I said.............. I did it for ME (no one else).
Unforgiveness was literally killing me.... I was dying while the ANGER had a life of its own.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

I agree that forgiveness is more for the person doing the forgiving than it is for the person forgived.

I also think that forgiveness is not always necessary to moving on in a healthy way. What I think is critical though is acceptance. It's something I'm struggling with about something someone dear to me did that hurt me. I haven't fully accepted all of it. It's still just so hard for me to believe, as it came out of the blue. So I think there's still a part of me that hasn't fully accepted that this is what he did. It may be, in part, related to what was mentioned above...the need or desire to protect myself from something like that happening again. So I hold onto my anger and pain about it. Although conversely, I think I have some denial about it, too, because if I truly accepted the thing, that would mean that this someone really did intentionally hurt me very badly. That's a hard thing to wrap my brain around and be okay with it. I'm still working on that.

But it feels to me, and I've seen this in practice, that if I could wrap my brain around it enough to accept fully what happened and why, that the pain would somehow lessen. At any rate, I think that it would be impossible for me to forgive if I don't first accept.

Just some musings on the subject.... Good topic!

gg

I often remind myself that while I am tossing and turning from anger and unforgiveness, the other is sleeping quite well!

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Sabrina0805 said:
I often remind myself that while I am tossing and turning from anger and unforgiveness, the other is sleeping quite well!

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That's when the fantasy of hitting him over the head with a frying-pan comes in handy............. just joking - no hate mail...... but I have been there thought that before - lol.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Forgiving some people is easy - my father knew that he made mistakes and acknowledged that. He also let me know that I mattered. Forgiving my mother will not be easy, espcially when I have no desire to forgive her. She refuses to acknowledge what she's done, she would continue to do it she could only find me, and she never forgave her father who was not nearly the monster she made him out to be. There's also the factor that I'm still discovering the depth of her lies and betrayals. I'm learning all new things that deepen my hatred for her.

Perhaps when I have learned all there is to learn, then I will find a way to move on from the pain and the anger. Perhaps then I can find a way to forgive her though I doubt she'll be alive at that point.

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Kalamity said:
Forgiving my mother will not be easy, espcially when I have no desire to forgive her. She refuses to acknowledge what she's done,

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Hmm - I think the turning point for me with my mother came when I in a fit of rage finally told her (and my abuser) what I had been feeling toward them since I was a kid and was not protected well enough from sexual abuse.

There is FREEDOM is telling the TRUTH..... and in SPEAKING it OUT LOUD.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

The first time I dared to confront my mother she told me that I was a "mentalcase" and needed "psychiatric help". The next time I confronted her she laughed at me. The third time I chose to write a letter because I didn't think she was listening long enough to take me serious and hear what I was saying. I didn't exist in her world for a very long time after that. When she made her next appearance she acted as if nothing had happened - no letters, no confrontation.

She continued on in the usual way and I gave up trying. For years I put up with her showing up at my home unnanounced playing her same stupid games of "how many ways can I crush your spirt and demean you". Four years ago I moved and now she can't find me, but I've heard that she's looking and she's not that happy that I'm hiding from her. Nope. Right now, I can't forgive someone that intent on making me miserable.

Plus there's all the new junk I'm learning.

I'm babbling.

I hear YOU...... my finally confrontation came after years and years of doing the same thing over and over again with my mother / family..... then WHAM! BAM! one night it just came out from no where and I felt FREE!!!!!

I had finally said what I felt and it was not the usual nice chit chat as before..... I released my inner PAIN that hot summer night in June 2003 (and) what made it work, I think, was that my entire family and them some was there to heard it and it did not matter - the secret was no more.

NOW - life is good and there is a sense of RESPECT for us all..... we all healed that night.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -