[Tsuki632]

Help!
It's the first time I've been in a serious relationship with someone who has a 'problematic' ex. They've been separated almost 6 years now and have a 9 year old daughter together.

I thought everything was ok until about a week ago. I didn't have a problem with her (and the fact that she spends everyday with his mother) and I thought she was ok with me. Then I overheard her telling her hair dresser that the reason his daughter doesn't see her father much is because he has a girlfriend now.

The daughter is supposed to be with her dad every weekend, but this rarely happens. During the summer (when I hadn't met her yet) she often chose not to come. He won't force her to come. . . where's the benefit in that? And often the ex will plan sleepovers and play dates for her on the weekend. What 9 year old is going to choose Dad's house when there is Justin Bieber bonding time to be had?

The daughter and I get along really well. In my experience, 9 year olds aren't very good at pretending they like you if they don't.

Yes, he and I have gone out of town a few weekends, but they are out numbered by the weekends the ex has made plans for the daughter.

I'm trying not to take it personally. I think she would feel the same with any woman in his life.

Right now my big concern is Boxing Day. She will be at his parents' house with his daughter for the day. How do I handle this? Do I tell her I know she's been telling people she thinks I'm a problem? Do I ignore her? I have absolutely no desire to see her right now because I'm so upset over what she said.

As much as I love my bf, he's pretty passive when it comes to the ex. He's like a beaten puppy, he just doesn't want to get into it with her because nothing changes. Neither of them are the best communicators (not that I'm much better) but I can't spend my life like this.

Sorry for rambling. I'm not even sure I'm making sense any more. What is the best way to cope with a partner's ex?

[IceCreamKid]

His daughter needs some time with her friends and with her mother on some weekends. If it is possible, maybe Dad can see Daughter during week nights especially when there are events at school -- parent teacher conferences, school events, etc. some of the time, and at least one weekend or maybe two weekends a month Daughter can spend time on the weekend with Mommy and with her little school friends.

As far as "won't force" his daughter to visit -- parents need to be the decision makers when children are young. He can keep her school schedule and special events in mind but it is important for fathers and daughters to have regular time to talk and bond.

I hope things work out.

[ArthurDent]

"but I can't spend my life like this"

If you want to be in HIS life, then you have at least 9 more years of this until she is of age, and then some. He had a child with this woman. She is the child's mother. She will ALWAYS be the mother.

I've no children of my own, but my wife has two. It's a difficult situation to deal with, but if you chose to stay with him, there is no choice. Accept it, and find the least dramatic way to deal with it, for the sake of the child at least, if not for your own sanity, too.

[Tsuki632]

My main concern right now is that Ex is blaming me for problems that pre-date me. We are going to have to get along somehow, I just don't know how.

[Tsuki632]

I know I she will always be a part of his life. . . and mine, but I'm not a punching bag or a scape goat. It's the least dramatic way that I'm looking for. This is all new to me. How do I assert myself and let her know that it if she has a concern about my relationship with BF and the impact on Daughter, then she needs to talk to me or BF about it? Not pretend everything is ok and then tell the town that I'm to blame.

[ArthurDent]

I wish I could help there, but I can't. I gave up worrying about what other people say about me a long time ago. lol. If it was me, I'd take the high road and just ignore it. Easier said than done, I know.

[Tsuki632]

I'm working on not caring what others think, but I have a long way to go.

Fortunately when I see her she's almost always with Daughter. It makes it so much easier to bite my tongue when Daughter is around. One I don't think kids need to hear "adult" conversations, and two Daughter is so happy and creative etc... it's hard not to be happy too.

My plan for Boxing day - bask in Daughter's excitement and joy, be civil to Ex and escape to my sister's as soon as my parents get in to town.

p.s. ArthurDent. . . . the answer is 42

[ArthurDent]

You score on all counts

Sounds like a good plan, too. Good luck.

[raavn111]

Just go to her house and ask her very politely that what problem she has with you and why she talking non sense about you....

Best of luck

[RomanSunburn]

I've never been in a situation like this, so take my advice with a large grain of salt.

I'd definitely take the high road. Interact with the daughter in front of her mother to prove that you aren't this horrible monster she's worried about. If she seems that her daughter enjoys spending time with you and you are a positive influence, she might begin to change her ways. Just always be polite and friendly. Heck, maybe even tell your boyfriend's mom how much you enjoy spending time with the daughter, and maybe at some point in the future the two of you could go on a shopping trip or something to bond. But be sincere.

I also think your boyfriend and his ex need to work out a new visitation schedule. It's not fair to him to not get to spend time with his daughter, but I also understand she needs time to spends with her friends. Is there any way your boyfriend could host a sleep over for his daughter? Or take her and her friends to the movies and pizza? I really believe they need to figure out a schedule that works for all three of them... Not just one or two of them...

Good luck!

[Perna]

Have you had a discussion with your boyfriend about all this? I was not sure if the ex- was speaking on her own or was under the impression, because of your boyfriend's actions or words that the daughter did not come over as much because of you?

Too, the daughter could get that impression and state it from her dad, because he does not "force" her to come over, gives her a choice. She may not think he wants her to come over enough, might want him to plead for her time a bit If it is just a casual, "you want to come over this weekend?" then there isn't much attraction and, knowing you are there, that would make a three-some that isn't necessarily uncomfortable but not too alluring for a 9 year old? If you were not there, he'd have to center any get-together on her and she would not be sharing him with an adult female?

When my husband's youngest son would come over I would make sure I sent them out on an adventure of their own for most of the time. It is your boyfriend's daughter and he needs to/not to build a relationship with her, as they both decide. You are not part of the problems, other than incidentally, but you also cannot be part of the relationship really at this point. I doubt there is ever going to be a happy threesome with you, he and his daughter. Yes, you will have a relationship with his daughter but it will be you and her relationship, of which he will not be a part and probably not come until much later. I get along extremely well with my three stepsons, I relish the role of "evil stepmother"

A girl is going to be much more attracted to and feel "safer" with her mom and like she has more in common than with a strange female, no matter how much she might like you; think of whether you would have liked to go alone to a favorite female teacher's house as a child; you might have fantasized about it but if given the opportunity you probably would have felt too shy/unsure and opted to stay with mom?

I would not take anything the ex-wife says to someone else and you overhear very personally, it really doesn't concern you, what others think? They are going to think and say what they think and say. My husband's ex-wife thinks we are best friends and she gets that idea because of how I treat her and her and my relationship. I wouldn't get messed up in their mess, in their child rearing; you don't have a good angle to influence that?

From what you've described so far, forgive me if I'm wrong it's hard to determine that what she is doing is causing much problems at all first. If you are leaving out specifics other than the comment that "because he has a gf now", it would help to know exactly what she's said or done to really make you out to be a problem.

As for the time the dad spends with the daughter, first question comes to mind: you said "separated" for 6 years. Are they divorced? Is he still married to her? All sorts of problems come to my mind in thinking if he's still married to her. If so I'd wonder why they haven't divorced and you've got potentially bigger problems on your hands with him. Also, if they are divorced there must be a custody/visitation order, and if there is, he can get help to enforce this so that he gets the time he has a right to with his daughter. If they are only separated, that could get complicated because it's not always required. With regards to his "not forcing her" to be with him, I agree with the poster that this should NEVER be left up to the child. It places undue pressure on the child in that every weekend she/he has to choose between the parents and this is never a good thing to do. He needs to step up tbh with the daughter but that being said, you can't do anything about it being the gf. Heck even if he married you it would be pretty much out of your hands on how he handles it.

She could be making things difficult for him, I can see that but unfortunately you're hands are tied in regards to this and your only option really is to handle yourself as best as possible in view of others and the ex. You can only control your own actions and behaviors, and if you're being good to the daughter, you're doing all you can.

Sadly you have no real say in the matter, you can only give advice to him and talk to him about it. I would recommend not even being there when the ex is. JUST NOT A GOOD SITUATION at all. She's not going to ever accept or like you. Why should she? you're a replacement, no matter how bad she was to him or how badly the marriage went, you'll always seem like that. She'll probably never have anything great to say about you. Best case: she can learn to respect you but even that just comes down to you not confronting her on anything to do with the child.

you're in a tough situation, trust me, I understand.

Hope it gets better *hugs*

[happiedasiy]

Originally Posted by Perna

Have you had a discussion with your boyfriend about all this? I was not sure if the ex- was speaking on her own or was under the impression, because of your boyfriend's actions or words that the daughter did not come over as much because of you?

Too, the daughter could get that impression and state it from her dad, because he does not "force" her to come over, gives her a choice. She may not think he wants her to come over enough, might want him to plead for her time a bit If it is just a casual, "you want to come over this weekend?" then there isn't much attraction and, knowing you are there, that would make a three-some that isn't necessarily uncomfortable but not too alluring for a 9 year old? If you were not there, he'd have to center any get-together on her and she would not be sharing him with an adult female?

When my husband's youngest son would come over I would make sure I sent them out on an adventure of their own for most of the time. It is your boyfriend's daughter and he needs to/not to build a relationship with her, as they both decide. You are not part of the problems, other than incidentally, but you also cannot be part of the relationship really at this point. I doubt there is ever going to be a happy threesome with you, he and his daughter. Yes, you will have a relationship with his daughter but it will be you and her relationship, of which he will not be a part and probably not come until much later. I get along extremely well with my three stepsons, I relish the role of "evil stepmother"

A girl is going to be much more attracted to and feel "safer" with her mom and like she has more in common than with a strange female, no matter how much she might like you; think of whether you would have liked to go alone to a favorite female teacher's house as a child; you might have fantasized about it but if given the opportunity you probably would have felt too shy/unsure and opted to stay with mom?

I would not take anything the ex-wife says to someone else and you overhear very personally, it really doesn't concern you, what others think? They are going to think and say what they think and say. My husband's ex-wife thinks we are best friends and she gets that idea because of how I treat her and her and my relationship. I wouldn't get messed up in their mess, in their child rearing; you don't have a good angle to influence that?

Dearest Perma,
You are spot on with your advice and I also would include these people are still married!
The best thing I would add to the person asking, wait, let one relationship desolve before claiming him as your boyfriend. This guy is lacking a backbone. You deseerve much more.