Once again, no Christmas gift.

I know Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus and it has become too comercial, however, my husband does not give me gifts or cards for anything. Not on my birthday. Absolutly NOT on Mothers day as I am not his mother. Only 1 Christmas gift in 27 years and that was because a friend said she would "snap him in two" if he didn't get me something. that was nearly 20 years ago. He knows this is hurtful to me, but it is like he does it on purpose. His mom, dad, sister, step-father, co-worker all get gifts and cards for all occasions. Phone calls, emails, texts, NOPE. I'm his wife and I should know how he feels. This year I took his gift back. He asked for it back and wanted to know why I took it. I didn't respond, just walked away. After all, he's my husband, he should know how I feel.

Hello and welcome. I hope you find your visits here supportive and informative. I hope you will give yourself the gift of a few sessions with a marriage counselor to find out why you have put up with this all these years. I offer you the gift of love.

Bless your heart. Yes, Christmas is SUPPOSED to be the celebration of the birth of Jesus, but we ALL know that it's also a time to show our love for our spouses and family. Obviously your husband is either too stupid to know this, or like you said -- he enjoys hurting you. It must be the latter because I can't believe anyone would be THAT stupid.

He IS abusing you, and like IceCreamKid said, perhaps some counseling will help you figure out why you've put up with this for years. Don't feel bad - -- I stay with my abusive husband for 26 years before I got rid of him. It was our of fear of him. You need to find out why you're putting up with it too so you can break this "cycle?" so you'll never do it again with any other prospective mate.

I really do understand, my friend. You need to get rid of this cruel, nasty man, and find a loving, caring, devoted man who will cherish you -- that's what you DESERVE. I wish you the very best. PLEASE let us know what happens, will you? I'd really like to know. And if you feel like talking, don't hesitate to private message someone -- you can message me anytime. Take care. Hugs, Lee

Hi

The term that came to mind as I was reading your post was 'passive aggressive'. This happens when someone is angry with you but instead of getting angry with you and talking to you, they act passively, by getting angry with you indirectly. Not giving you a card could be an example of this. Have you had marital counselling? Do you talk to him to find out why he doesn't give you gifts/cards?? Feel free to pm me.

I think some people just think their s/o don't warrant a card etc. Like familiarity breeds contempt. He asked for his gift back, the nerve ! Have you ever actually explained how his behaviour makes you feel ? You should not have to explain how his thoughtless ways effect you, but hey some people are totally away with the fairies. Make him see what it means to you. Spell it out. He's happy to receive your gift, yet simply doesn't bother to think of a gift or card for you. I wouldn't say you should ignore his birthday etc. That would just be a stale mate.
It could literally be his stupidity, and insensitivity. No harm meant. Simply , he's quite frankly, a thoughtless, and has to be said, lazy, unfeeling, and tactless individual.
I would make one huge deal out of this, now. It's gone on 20 years !
He must have redeeming qualities and I'd never suggest ending your marriage over this. There however could be other factors in your marriage that warrant attention, but if this is your only issue, and I'm not by any means making light of it. Frankly, it stinks ! Tell him ! Make it plain, you deserve at the very least a card on your birthday. Once he's got it into his ( thick ) head, maybe he'll try to change things.

I really think he thinks, it's no big deal. Afterall, he loves you etc. etc. He's got away with this behaviour for a long time. I'd make a stand now, huge talk, in a calm way. Maybe enlist a sister or someone close to make him see how his behaviour hurts you.
You say family get cards etc. On birthdays, ask him straight, why don't you. Make him see it takes a moment to think, of how to make someone feel special.
He's come to accept his actions as normal, because they are, to him.

I hope this helps. Maybe he really just doesn't 'think'.
Time to make him, think hard !

Am so pleased that you took his present back. That's the way to handle people like your hubby, and make a point. Childish, yes, but you know, sometimes its the only language you can speak to a big child.

I think its awful that he didn't think of you this Xmas. And that's what it amounts to for me - the lack of thought. Not cost, size or whatnot of the gift, it just shows some thought and consideration when someone buys a nice gift.

I do agree with the others, its time for a talk. Even if he does makes you feel valued, appreciated and loved in other ways, he needs to know that deliberately hurting you is just not acceptable any more - he's supposed to be your partner in crime, your best friend, not this person who's at the bottom of his 'consideration to people' list.

Hugs

Forgot to add. I know it's not the same but my on / off bf who I've not seen in a year never sends me a card. I barely notice, but this year I did. I let him know how p*ssed off I felt. He admited that the ex wife got one. Yee boys, when we talk properly, he'll get it, big time ! Believe me ! We haven't spoken properly for a bit other than 'hello' texts, because I've been so low. When I next speak to him, I will make sure he feels like a s*it.

Our relationship is a whole different story though, hard to have a relationship when I've been in bed a year.
Just thought I'd add this. X

I believe that he does this in order to make you feel less special. As in, if you felt special, cherished, etc., he thinks you'd realize your own self worth and leave him for someone who would treat you how you deserve to be treated. So I guess he thinks the only way for him to keep you around is to not let you realize how amazing you are.

I think your decision to take the gift back was BRILLIANT and said so much to him without saying anything. You're in control now. You did yourself a major service right there.

Keep in mind the following: You're special. You're beautiful. You're smart, funny, and not afraid to be the person you were born to be. Major respect and props to you for standing up for yourself.

The birth of Jesus part is completely irrelevant here because your H acknowledges the gift giviing facet of this holiday with everyone BUT YOU and, moreover, expects YOU to acknowledge it with him. He treats you as if you. Were Cinderella and he, the evil step-mother.

If he was a man that did not believe in gift-giving at all I might understand this failure to get anything for you but the fact you mentioned everyone else gets gifts from him, it makes it very clear it's an intentional slap in your face for whatever reason. I am not sure how you dealt with him for 20 years because frankly I doubt his abuse stops at gift giving (or lack thereof)

I stand behind you all the way in how you were able to stand against him by taking his gift back. Unbelieveable that he'd actually ask for it back. Unbelievable!

I'm sorry for your situation...

okay so personally i think you did the right thing by returning the gift back .
some say dont play thre "game" the other one is playing but
some people need to have their own medicine to understand how hurtful it is .
The only thing i would have done differently is
say why i ddint give him the gift .
he may be doing this on purpose to you but
girl stand up !
- this is your man .. ,YOUR HUBSTER we are talking about -
you are his wife and he is doing a BIG no no .
lay in bed tonight ND
calmly say
" i took your christmas gift back because i never got one from you and that hurt me inside . I have told you how it made me feel before but the msg never seemed to come through . I wanted you to realize what was happening "
-
if he responds with something negative i wouldnt even bother with replying.
That is his own issues reacting . not you .
just say .
" im your wife , i love you "
go to bed after .
with all of my misunderstanding i
always say them in bed before sleep when the mood is mellow aND CAlM . My bf works in high tech industry so thats really the only time he is open to hearing things .
and if he responds with something negative i just say i love you and im tired , good ngiht
next morning he doesnt mention last nigth but acts different . you cant ry it