[lostgirl06]

I have been in a relationship for almost a year. L is 11 years older than I am and in his 50s.

In the past months, we have broken up maybe about 20x - that averages about 2x a month. 90% of the break-ups were initiated by him. And every break up is the result of a very minor issue that gets blown up out of proportion - by him.

What do I mean by minor issue? I said the wrong thing or I said the wrong thing in the wrong tone or I said whatever in the wrong tone. Well, wrong tone to him means aggressive. In short, I am not expected to have any emotions except positive ones. I am not allowed to be upset or angry - with anything he does or say, no matter how hurtful or wrong. By the way, I don't yell when I am hurt or upset - according to him I sound stern, and that freaks him out.

The result is I get bashed verbally for hours and/or silent treatment for days on end which means that he does not answer calls or reply to texts. In other words, this man is a master at silent treatment. If he does reply, we will spend hours with him "screaming" insults, accusations, bringing up a million past issues, etc. whilst I am doing all the explanation and apologizing. I have only ever heard an apology from this man when
1) he steps on my toes accidentally
2) we were on vacation and I wanted to leave because we were going through another endless ridiculous fight and he needed me to be around for some reason or other

That makes it like 1 apology from him to 100 from me.

Is it really possible that in any relationship, there is only one person who is 99% in the wrong? Every issue, every single issue, according to him, is my fault and I started 100% of every single fight we had.

Example: left my phone at home when I went to work. Replied his text 2 hours late. No reply from him. Text him again - response was curt. Asked what was wrong several times, no reply. Next morning asked again, apologised profusely for answering text late. Reply: "screaming" that he wants a break up...etc etc for a couple of hours via text.

And oh, he cancels plans sometimes paid for when he is mad at me - and then tells me to pay up the penalties. Gets mad and still brings it up months later because I refuse to. Figured I didn't ask for the cancellation, I didn't even agree to it, why should i pay for his decision? He tells me that l lack integrity.

Brings up his ex repeatedly when he is mad at me telling me how wonderful she is - errr...she cheated on him LOL!!! Says he doesn't mind because she was so fun! Ok...guess I am the crazy one here.

I get verbally abused for hours when he gets mad over anything I say or do. The content, as given in examples above, are emotionally and mentally abusive. Or am I wrong?

[unaluna]

You're not wrong about him being abusive. But I don't know why you put up with his abuse.

[katya093]

wow , chika i am not an expert but i do know when someone should be treated better .
love comes in all sorts of different forms but
abuse isn't one of them.
some hold off on leaving because you might miss what you have with that one person .
but the one person you need to think about the most is your self and WHATS BEST FOR YOU .
im not going to sayinh " hey you should walk out "
but i think you know when a red flag comes up
and it is safe to say you know whats best for you .
forget the people who say there are other fish in the sea.
forget the one guy your with who can treat you better.
focus on your needs and beliefs.
(: good luck
i was in a similar situation and it took me a year to realize
that there was something better out there ,
and i left him on our year anniversary .

[tigerlily84]

Brings up his ex repeatedly when he is mad at me telling me how wonderful she is

Could you ever imagine saying this to him? There is something wrong with him. But Hankster is right. You deserve better. He is saying emotionally abusive things in order to control you. You know that, right? You have accepted this behavior over and over, so there is no reason to think that you won't put up with more. I hope that you can find the strength to get out of this relationship.

[hamster-bamster]

I think that the sooner you leave him for good, the better off you will be.

[Big Mama]

I have been is the same position. I know exactly what you are dealing with. I know it hurts when people say leave. It is never that easy or we don't have enough faith in ourselves due to the ones we are married too to leave. It doesn't sound like a plesent situation or a safe place to be in.

Will he consider Therepy. Even if it means you have to say "yep the problem is me" and it not be true to get him to go. My H and I have been going to T for awhile now. Things are still not good but they are not what they used to be either. I think my H had no idea he was being this way and thought it was acceptable behavior. Only after being showed a different way of communication have things began to improve. It is still more crap then most would want to tolerate but my case like yours is tolerating verbal abuse and any improvement is well worth it.

[pheonixashes]

I just got out of (ok so I was dumped) a similar on again/off again relationship. Believe me you don't need to put with that. The longer you stay the more it will hurt over time. Men like him will never change-free yourself from the cycle.

[hamster-bamster]

Big Mama, I have infinite respect for you but I have to disagree. Your situations are not identical. You and your H have been married for many years and have three kids together. Sure, there is a lot to salvage and going to T makes sense. OP has no children with her abuser and the tenure of their r/s is short. Exit makes more sense than T.

[hamster-bamster]

Perhaps individual T for the OP to learn skills such as how to select non-abusive partners would be money better spent.

[Big Mama]

hamster you are correct. We have been married 18 years. And have 3 kids. If there were no kids in the picture and I had a relatively escape believe me I would run.

Dear OP, run, turn and go the other way quickly as possible or before you know it you will be where I am and where I have been and let me tell you it ain't pretty or fun. It is a daily hell at times. If I knew what I was getting myself into 18 years and saw the sings I was to in love to see at the time I should have not stayed a min longer.

I agree with the other members in that it would be a really good idea for you to speak with a T to try to figure out why exactly you are staying in this type of relationship. He may not understand or realize his behavior and actions are completely off the charts wrong. He may never realize it. So the best you can do is enlighten yourself. You cannot change him, but you can certainly put the effort into you and work on understanding yourself. I hope you will consider it.

[Perna]

It would appear that you both have difficulties in the relationship. That you chase after him when he is being abusive, almost fall all over yourself to apologize and make things "right" (his way) and put up with his yelling at you; why would he want anything else; he has you coming and going?

It would not occur to me to think someone would have me on a schedule of when I should return a text/e-mail/phone call or do anything that I haven't said I'd do. So, if I forgot my phone, that would be mildly interesting, maybe I'd mention it in a text by way of information to a friend/loved-one but if they did not reply, I would not think anything of it! That you think you have done wrong in the first place by forgetting your phone (the phone is yours, for your use and pleasure, no one else's) and suspect he is angry at you for not texting is all your own mindset. Yes, he may be angry for you for not texting but he has to tell you that; you are making too many assumptions about him and what he likes, needs, wants, is upset by; you're doing his work for him (of letting him know what he is feeling) as surely as he is using you to feel justified in feeling what you tell him you are expecting (apologizing for something when he's giving you the silent treatment -- think about that; you're playing a guessing game with a keg of dynamite, poking a bear, "You going to explode yet? Huh? Huh? Are you? I'm sorry I'm poking you with this stick; don't get mad at me! What exactly did I do wrong?").

I don't see you doing anything wrong in the first place so I would let him have his silent treatment if he wants and learn to cultivate my own clean conscience. The silent treatment should not hurt you; he's missing or cutting himself off from your sparkling self and keeping his not-much-fun self to himself? But you still have your own sparkling self. Don't throw your pearls before a swine?

[Ladyzero]

I have to say this guy sounds delightful, a real catch !

I don't see therapy working here, he sounds like he has his set ways to control this so called relationship. You break up every few months, he sulks, yells, and manipulates you. What makes you go back to him ? Fear of being alone ? Are you not emotionally alone anyway ? This is not a relationship. You deserve better. Be strong. Go and find it.

[hamster-bamster]

Well said, Ladyzero!