[Kaoticbutterfly]

I met my boyfriend 8 months ago. Like most love stories everything seemed great. We moving got a house together, got a dog, and the whole nine yards. At first I did not mind the absolute mess. I liked that fact that he needed me.. to cook, clean, and you know be the woman of the house..... Well I guess the new has worn off, and his dirty dishes and nasty cloths everywhere are not sexy or fun anymore. ...

When we met he told me that he was depressed, and that was why his apartment was so trashed.... So 30 loads of cloths later I was happy again. Now he is not the only one that is not perfect, when I met him I was doing butrinal, it is very similar to G. Not good stuff, so I quit for him. It took me a few weeks, but I stopped completely.
"Ninja" (we will call him to hide all real identities) has a good job and he works very hard, I haven't been working since I injured my ankle in 2010. Have 5 pins 2 plates and 2 screws in it. So I the deal was when I moved in was that I buy the groceries, and keep the house clean. I get 200.00 a moth for food stamps. And trust me this house is 99.9% of the time clean. He ALWAYS HAS CLEAN CLOTHS, CLEAN DISHES, HIS HOUSE IS CLEAN, FOOD COOKED, AND HAS NO NEED TO WONDER IN THE "NINJA" DEPARTMENT.

couple months go by all is good then, a rift..... here and there... but still in-love with my baby. He was always showing me love, long talks, kissing me (good kisses), holding my hand when we were out, giving me compliments, etc, You know all the things that make your man stand out from rest. The whole reason I fell in love in the first place. It now feels like I am more his maid, and hooker than his partner in life, or girlfriend.

Don't get me wrong "ninja" (his nickname from me) is far from a bad guy. He does have some rather disgusting habits such as... leaving the toilet seat up, not putting his dirty cloths in the hamper, not cleaning ANYTHING up after himself, as well as some gross things that I care not to mention here....But now that I have stepped up (being O.C.D) and done it he now has only gotten worse. I put a laundry hamper right beside his bed where he asked me to... and yep clothes end up 6 inches to the left, leaves wet towels all over the bed, the floor it doesn't matter... the maid will get..

I try to approach him about these issues and he says "yes you have a lot to work on".... I admit I can be a brat and *****y, but i love this man and always make sure he knows that. Why the flip can he not at least admit his wrong doing?

[IowaFarmGal]

Hello Kaoticbutterfly. Welcome to Psych Central! I don't think you get paid enough for all you do. You must be on the foot quite a lot. People get paid pretty good for cleaning houses. If he regards you as a housekeeper maybe you should find another job where you get paid for it. You could still keep him as a client with an hourly rate. Roommates are not obligated to stay forever. Yes at least a thank you and some cooperation would be nice. I wish you the best and a good future of your choice. I'm not voting it's your choice to make.

I will refrain from voting as well because it really is up to you and how much you are willing to bend to meet his demands. I do know that living in this type of environment can truly start to take its toll and does a number on your self esteem. It can go from bad to worse real quick. Usually temper tantrums and outbursts are part of the package. If this is how you wish to live and you are ok with it...

Have you suggested getting a housekeeper to come in once a week?

On a lighter note, leave him a bill for services rendered. I believe the going rate these days ranges anywhere between 40 and 120 / hour with a four hour minimum

Best of luck to you

[Kaoticbutterfly]

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

I will refrain from voting as well because it really is up to you and how much you are willing to bend to meet his demands. I do know that living in this type of environment can truly start to take its toll and does a number on your self esteem. It can go from bad to worse real quick. Usually temper tantrums and outbursts are part of the package. If this is how you wish to live and you are ok with it...

Have you suggested getting a housekeeper to come in once a week?

On a lighter note, leave him a bill for services rendered. I believe the going rate these days ranges anywhere between 40 and 120 / hour with a four hour minimum

Best of luck to you

Thank you all for your support, the house cleaning is far from my problem, I actually enjoy cleaning. It is the ungratefulness, and the fact that he makes it even harder for me bt leaving extra mess everywhere. Thenhe says that I ***** nad nag all the time. I AM FAR FROM PERFECT... I do however keep his new house clean, food cooked, and emotional needs met, when allowed.....
I know that he works hard.. when we got together he told me that he would not be with a drug addict, I told him I would not be with a gamer... well guess whos sober, and who has made it to level who knows what... 4errrr

[shezbut]

to Psych Central.

I have known a few "Ninja's" over the years, and their gf's/wives ended up holding a LOT of resentment towards them. Most of these women held part-time jobs, while the Ninja worked full-time. However, when the women came home, their job was never done! There is always laundry, shopping, scrubbing, etc waiting to be done and there always will be ~ he isn't going to do it!! That's why he has you. Then come children, and a heck of a lot more work that needs to be done. Believe me, that's an understatement!

Personally, I think that it's an endless, thankless job. There is nothing to show for your work. Does it help you relax? Have you ever spoken with your bf about closing the lid of the toilet, or replacing the empty roll of toilet paper, in consideration of you or guests that come over? Perhaps (gasp!) even throwing his clothes and dirty towels into the laundry basket?? It doesn't take much effort or thoughtfulness at all. Really. And that's the part that bugs me!

If he showed just a teeny bit more thoughtfulness, than I wouldn't be so angry. But I see NO effort by him, in your description here. And it's only been 8 months. It's very common for effort to ease after a while, but it hasn't even been one year together yet! How is it going to be 5 years down the road??

Sorry if I sound super-negative here. I just wanted to warn you about the road that you're on. Just a little info about what lies ahead of you.

Best wishes and hugs to you....

[hamster-bamster]

I think he should not have started a living together arrangement with you. I am very messy and I just know that I would not be able to live with an OCD guy. Everyone should be aware of their limitations. Certain people are SO different that they cannot cohabit. Visit each other on a regular basis, fine, but not cohabit.

And another thing, these are very permanent traits. Love is changing: you can fall in love and out of love. But if you a clean freak, you cannot fall out of it. And vice versa.

[hamster-bamster]

While I voted for hitting the road jack, I should it modify it: maybe you can maintain the r/s in separate households. He should have his own household and his only cleaning service or maid. And if the cleaning service or maid is unable to keep the place in the condition that you would find satisfactory because they are not working 24/7, so be it. It would be his place and not your responsibility or area of concern.

Even if he starts thanking you, it would never be enough. You would become more and more annoyed and exasperated. It is a dead end!

I have been thinking about this thread because I am somewhat still recovering from my brother's (Thanksgiving-working weekend) outburst/tirade.

Imho, a person like this is impossible to please. The control factor they project is exhausting. Nothing is ever good enough *sigh*

To answer your main question: No. You should never expect a thank you. Everything is expected. I don't know your SOs background, but from what I have experienced, the noose only tightens. And worse, never expect an apology. For anything. They are never wrong. And when/if they are, they will never admit it in a sincere way. It is a power thing and the inability to be vulnerable.

I am a very clean person and enjoy making a lovely home environment. But it will never be enough.

I agree with HB...esp if you want to continue in a relationship. It really may behoove you to maintain separate residences. Anyway....just my two cents.

Hugs, Rose

Ps, if he has money, oh boy. It can be really bad. The power / control factor is unbearable. x2.

[avlady]

I am also a homemaker, some days are just to much to handle, those kinds of days are getting better, but I'm battleing a cold, I would even invite you here to take care of me just joking, you sound like Superwoman, there actually is a sort of Superwoman syndrome as I read somewhere once, you don't have to do what ever you don't want to do concerning housework, your husband or boyfriend? should lift a finger at least once in a while and a thank you goes a long way!!!it's a two way street.