[angelx33x]

I am 26 year old female. I married a man I dated for 3 years before we got married. I know this sounds dumb, but something has always been missing. He is a good man, but very irresponsible and I feel like he takes advantage of me. Money is not the issue except he spends numerous amounts of money he doesn't make. I am a nurse, I work my tail off. I try to work enough over time to cover our spending, but he barely contributes. Correction money would not be an issue if he would stop spending all of it. He is older and a late bloomer in life. While we were dating my parents took him in. He was barely able to survive. I have met someone now that we are married. He is also older, but much farther along in life. Unfortunately we work together and I work in a dangerous ward. I am worried that the intense situations of our job brought us together. Both men make me laugh. The man I recently met is so kind and caring. I am doing everything in my power to stay away from this man. I am miserable. My marriage is important to me too. I don't know what to do. Everything is falling apart and I feel powerless. I continue to pray, but I am still confused.

[shezbut]

What attracted you to your husband? It sounds like he had the same tendencies then, as he has now, so what was different? Did you expect him to change after the marriage began? Or, were you too eager to move onto the next phase of your life (marriage, children, etc.)?

Have you ever opened up and shared your feelings of resentment and worry towards your husband? If so, what was his reponse? What does he do for a living? Does he have a lot of outstanding bills that are causung the problems? If so, maybe checking into consolidation would be the right move for you.

How are the income and bills handled now? Like: some are your responsibility, and others are his? Or, are all funds put together to pay all bills? I would recommend sitting down with your hub and having an open discussion about your fear that the debts are growing too fast & a reasonable plan needs to be worked out and stuck by with determination.

Hopefully, some money will be left over to play with after the bills are paid each month. It isn't easy to get into conversations like these, as people automatically become very defensive. So, try to be as non-accusatory as possible. You two are married. What's yours is his and vice-versa. You need to come up with a plan that is reasonable for both of you to accept. If that can't be done, then I would recommend getting in to see a marriage and family counselor ~ to help you both work through your differences in priorities.

While your co-worker may seem to be a tempting escape from your problems at home, becoming emotionally and physically involved would only complicate things further in your world. I'd seriously advise you to keep your focus on fixing your marriage ~ rather than trying to escape the frustration within it.

Very best wishes to you and your hub. I hope that you're able to work things out soon! Btw, to PC!

[Leed]

I completely agree with Shezbut. It's too easy in this country to leave one marriage and jump into another relationship. We don't take our vows very seriously. Vows are PROMISES and are meant to be kept, unless of course there is abuse in the marriage.

Like Shezbut said, you two need to communicate regarding your financial woes. It seems like you aren't talking at all. These resentments are just growing and growing, and soon there won't be any resolution to it all. Again as Shezbut suggestion, perhaps marriage counseling would be best -- you both must get on the same page, especially as spending and finances are concerned, plus learning to communicate is a must.

I wish you the very best. Let us know how things turn out, will you? God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[unaluna]

easy solution - don't let your h spend any more of your money! start depositing your paycheck into a separate account that he doesn't have access to. it's your money, you don't have to let him throw it away.

[Jan1212]

What exactly is kind and caring? Is he really letting you know he's interested or he just being nice? Does he know you're married? Coworkers are not what they seem on the outside, or people in general, especially if you've 'just met' him, people can be deceiving. Is the issue about spending? How long has this issue been going on for? Do you love him or do you prefer a man's position in life? Either you try to work it out, no matter how tough it may be, or leave if he can't communicate with you.

Originally Posted by hankster

easy solution - don't let your h spend any more of your money! start depositing your paycheck into a separate account that he doesn't have access to. it's your money, you don't have to let him throw it away.

oh this is SUCH good advice. There is simply NO reason to hand your money over to him. Put him on a budget if you have to. Give him an allowance and tell him hes too irresponsible to have your paycheck. well, thats my thoughts anyways.

[hamster-bamster]

You are correct worrying that the dangerousness and intensity in your workplace will magnify the attraction. There have been studies done about that. Groups of men were interviewed by a female journalist and were later asked to rate her attractiveness. One group was interviewed on a narrow, unstable, risky bridge, and the other on stable ground. The men who were interviewed on the bridge rate the attractiveness of the female journalist higher than the men who were interviewed in a no risk situation. It was an old study, done many years ago.

[hamster-bamster]

Chances are, when you said I do, you did not realize what you were doing in financial terms. When a financially independent woman marries a deadweight husband, she ecquires the responsibility to support him post divorce and maintain his standard of living. The number of years during which you will need to support him probably depends on the duration of marriage. The longer the marriage, the longer the spousal support payments. So you need to calm down, stop catastrophic thinking such as 'everything is falling apart' because it is not as you are young, healthy, and with a GREAT job, probably with upward mobility and excellent income potential, so you are acttually in an enviable position, unlike many people, you are unsure whether the decision to marry was correct which is totally understandable because you have grown tired of the mismatch between your level of achievement and his, someone else seems attractive and that is totally normal as well and nothing to be afraid of or feel guilty about, but do not act on the attraction yet, it is not like you need t catch a train, so register the attraction but do not explore it, see a divorce lawyer to gauge how much and for how long you will need to pay and how this number would change dependent on the duration of marriage, and based upon. What you find out, give youself a deadline and go work on resolving issues with your husband. If the issues can be isolated and fixed, such as by giving him a budget, then the marriage is viable. If the issues are pervasive and cannot be fixed, such as your dissatisfaction with his being a late bloomer and low achiever without a drive for independence, then the marriage is not viable.

[AAAAA]

First take control of your income. Have an honest talk with him about money. Every single one of us has faults. Mr. Wonderful-that-makes-you-laugh has baggage too, you just don't see it yet. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take care of your marriage one way or another before even thinking about someone else. This has such dire consequences. You want so much to escape the situation you are in that you over look the fire you're jumping into.

Take your power back. Close your joint account, open one of your own, close the joint credit cards etc. Good luck!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Jan1212

What exactly is kind and caring? Is he really letting you know he's interested or he just being nice? Does he know you're married? Coworkers are not what they seem on the outside, or people in general, especially if you've 'just met' him, people can be deceiving. Is the issue about spending? How long has this issue been going on for? Do you love him or do you prefer a man's position in life? Either you try to work it out, no matter how tough it may be, or leave if he can't communicate with you.

She does not occupy a man's position in life or anyone else's position for that matter - she is a financially independent woman who occupies her OWN position in life.

[Confusedinomicon]

I just want to point out that this thread is from November so I don't think the OP will be posting/replying back.

[hamster-bamster]

Oh thanks, so, wasted effort everybody.