Should I tell him he hurt me? how?

It's been so long since I posted here! Well, I'm back, with an entirely different set of problems. Solved the old one, fortunately. Here's my problem: I started spending more time with a frend of mine a couple months ago. We went on a couple of weekend trips together and have slept together a few times. But, we never talked about what exactly our relationship entailed, however, I do know neither of us are looking for anything serious right now. A couple of weekends ago I met him at a show, at his suggestion, and he ditched me at the bar after it was over. Just walked out the door without a word. I know him fairly well and this is extremely uncharacteristic behavior for him. I texted him a couple times that night ("Did you LEAVE me?" and later "I can't believe you left me. I just can't.") He didn't respond, and I haven't heard from him since. I haven't tried to contact him either. I'd probably just continue to have no contact, problem is, he's my neighbor and our kids are best friends. I will probably see him tonight at the boys' hockey practice. I don't know what to say to him. Should I tell him I'm hurt and angry? Ignore him? Pretend nothing's wrong? I'm definitely willing to end any type of romantic relationship we had over this, but I'm not really willing to end our friendship over it.

I think communication is key. No matter what the reasoning was for him taking off, it's best if you've been offended to take it up with the offender. He may or may not respond how you want him to, but nevertheless at least then you're letting him know. He can't do anything about it if he doesn't actually know how you feel about it. Pretending nothing's wrong would just make your hurt fester into something worse. If you say something and he responds badly or doesn't care, you can write off the romance with good reason, and if he does respond in a way that is supportive, you'll be able to move forward from this.

~S4

If he can't respond to a text msg, he may not be talking to you in person. I don' t know his boundaries, he would feel confronted if you texted him by phone when to talk to him by phone. Crossing the boundary of sex may have meant that it's difficult to figure out whether the friendship is difficult to continue or something has caused his behaviour.

Hope you get more feedback from others here at PC. This post is just a suggestion- take what you like and leave the rest behind.

Firstly, what a ****** thing to do to someone! It's no wonder you're hurt and angry.

I don't think you should just ignore it. If he apologises when you see him, then great. Maybe something happened or was said that left him feeling hurt?! As it would benefit the kids if you have a friendship, can I suggest asking him round for a coffee when the kids aren't around so you can both have an adult chat about it?

As it was uncharacteristic behaviour he deserves a chance to explain his behaviour. Having said that, it's a possible sign of the way he handles some situations and you wouldn't want that behaviour in a long-term romantic relationship.

Thank you for your responses! Telling him my feelings was sort of my first instinct, however, very difficult to do. I feel like he should be the one to approach me with an apology, but I also know you can't expect people to know what you expect of them. I also have no idea how to broach the subject, I have a feeling he will pretend nothing is wrong. What's the best way to tell someone you are hurt and angry because of something they did?

I wonder if something happened at the show that upset him? Maybe not something you consciously did, but something he interpreted in a way that hurt him, and made him feel like the only way to get out of the situation was to simply leave. I have no idea what would cause that, but I know something similar has happened with me and my husband... (Ive made jokes about something that he did not find funny, and in fact offensive for his own personal reasons, and he tends to just shut down at the moment of impact, and will only open up about it later, leaving me extremely bewildered and upset myself until I find out what it was I said, so we can both talk about what happened and both make our apologies).

I agree that the best thing to do would be to talk to him, and try not to be confrontational about it. Don't put him on the defense because that will only make matters worse. I guess my suggestion would be tonight at the hockey practice, mention to him you'd like to talk to him, and would he be free for coffee in the near future? If he says no, well, then it's out of your hands really. Tell him you there to talk whenever he's ready, and just leave it at that. Be polite and friendly when you have to be around him, but don't try to go any further. If he agrees to meet up for coffee (or whatever) just tell him, simply and calmly, that you were really confused about the other night and would just like to hear his perspective of what happened, and the share your perspective. And hopefully you two will be able to come to some sort of understanding and this might help build a stronger relationship for the future, either friendship or romantically.

Good luck! Keep us posted!

First, you're not wrong in wanting him to approach you. The problem there is we cannot make anyone do anything or control their actions. You can only control yourself and do what you feel is best. On the expectations thing, perhaps it's time to set up the expectations so he knows that for whatever reason, it bothers you when someone just up and leaves without an explanation after a date or any get together.

The way to approach it? Don't be accusatory. Dont' tell him "you did this... and hurt me" but take it upon yourself and talk about YOUR feelings, taking the spotlight off his offense. In other words you could in your own words basically say "I am hurt because of the way that we parted company the other night." That puts the ball in his court to ask you what you meant. YOu could then tell him "when a person leaves me without explanation after hanging out it makes me feel .... ________ and it hurts."

Dont' use my words, necessarily, but I hope you get the meaning of what I'm saying.

Hope this helps
~S4

Walking out on you is disrespectful. Of course you should confront him about it. I don't care if he's never done it before - that doesn't change the fact that it's a disrespectful thing to do and he really owes you an explanation. Perhaps there was an emergency or something but otherwise you just don't do crap like that.

It doesn't matter what he expects. This is a matter of treating people like they actually matter and if he can't do that...

I mean that's life. People say things you won't like. But if you don't speak up then nothing changes. Running away solves absolutely nothing.

Now this could all be a giant misunderstanding. However by walking away this could actually blow up into something completely different.

Roman, yes, the thought that I may have done something to hurt or offend him crossed my mind. Specifically, before he arrived I was talking and dancing with another guy. Other Guy couldn't remember my name and, to amuse myself, I told him I'd make out with him if he could remember my name. I was confident he wouldn't remember it (he didn't) and I wouldn't have to make out with him. Wouldn't have anyway. I told Neighbor this story when he arrived. I honestly didn't think he'd care. I was talking to Other Guy again when I watched Neighbor walk right past me and out the door. We do not have any kind of agreement on exclusivity, I wouldn' even say we're dating, plus my ex couldn't have cared less who I talked to at the bar, he didn't know what it felt like to be jealous, so I'm not used to being cautious about those things.
Also, I didn't really think he liked me enough to get jealous over me. Anyway, long story short, I think there's a possibility he ditched me out of anger or jealousy. Still, really no way to know without asking him...

Sometimes we go and have a drink while the boys are in hockey, so there may be an opportunity for the talk tonight, which is majorly why I'm here.

S4 - thanks for the tips, I think I knew that stuff, but its good to be reminded. Feelings talk is very hard for me, even with those people I'm closest with. But I'm glad everyone agrees I need to talk to him, I just wasn't sure if I should maybe just let the whole relationship, romantic and friendship and all, just die and leave it at that. Also I know some people who regularly leave the bar without a word to anyone and don't see anything wrong with that, so I was wondering if there's a possibility he has no idea he did anything wrong.

Ok lets say that I say something to you that offends you and in my mind it is not my intention to offend you. Perhaps I am not even aware that I have offended you. Of course you don't assume why I said this thing and now you're confused.

But if you don't come to me and tell me that I have said something that makes you uncomfortable then how will I know that I have offended you? What if it's a subject you don't like? And what if I bring it up again because I can't see that it offends you? If for whatever reason I can't tell then you just sit there angry while I go on with my business. Of course I would be happy to apologize if you had told me. But if you don't say anything then nothing may change at all.

Saying nothing can only leave open misunderstanding.

NoCake, I agree, it's just so HARD!

Well that can be for a lot of reasons and I don't know if you'd be comfy talking about that stuff. But it's important to start working on this sort of thing because misunderstandings like this happen all the time and a lot of potentially toxic situations can be avoided like this. Note that the guy by just walking off has created a murky situation already. And he didn't have to say a word!

Personally I always saw this as a necessary part of life as people will cross your boundaries intentionally or otherwise. Speaking about it lets people know what you're ok with. Don't think of it as confrontation. It's just a necessary way for everyone to get on the same page with you. It's hard probably because you aren't used to it. All you can do is just speak from the heart. Don't try and prepare some response because you'll get REALLY nervous... Just shoot straight and be kind about it.

Maybe they won't like it but you have to remember that this is as much about you as it is about them.

Well, he didn't bring his kid to hockey, their mom did, so I guess if I want to have a talk I'm going to have to actually contact him. Blech.

You can do it.

May as well be honest right? It's going to bother you unless you sort it out. Obviously something went wrong

Update:

Tuesday was the one year anniversary of the day we found two of my closest friends who'd been missing a week, dead. The anniversary was brutal, to say the least. After I put my son to bed I felt I desperately needed some company. Under that context, I texted Dude to see if he'd come over. I also thought I'd talk to him about the thing. He did respond, at least, and was reasonably consoling. But he was out of town for "awhile". So I guess more waiting, thinking, obsessing... Starting to think I should just move on. Most of my friends think that's what I should do.

Brianna,
I'm so sorry about your friends and hope you're feeling a bit better today.

With regard to Dude, I'm thinking that you should move on. If the guy is treating you this way when you are friends, how is it going to be if you have a disagreement when you're together? It's not a good sign. Saying you're out of town for 'a while' also sounds very evasive. If I had a friend call me up and I was away I'd be more likely to say "I'm out of town seeing relatives/on business/having a break for a while, I should be back in a few days/weeks and will give you a call"

I know he's only a neighbour and doesn't need to justify himself to you but if I can't do something for someone I find it more respectful to explain why. Maybe I'm old fashioned!

IMO I think your story about the other guy kInda hurt him. I can see myself telling the same kind of story, I sort of have, to my T. Men get jealous. They don't want to hear about other guys finding you attractive. Maybe his wife was unfaithful and so this is a very sensitive issue for him. Talking about this with my T has shown me how not to build myself up at the other person's expense - which is maybe what you were doing? "Look, this other guy found me attractive." Your neighbor already found you attractive or else he wouldn't have asked you out. I don't know if this is fixable, it's up to him?

Darn, hankster, I think you might be spot on with that I was doing. Whoops. Obviously I had no idea I was doing it at the time. I'm awful at this stuff. I've spoken with a few friends this week who have taken his side, or at least said it would make sense that that bothered him. Hoping for an opportunity to talk with him this week, will let you know how it goes.

Confirmed again: spoke with ex last night about the situation. Even Mr. Never-Jealous said that would have pissed him off. I feel terrible. I guess I'm the one who owes an apology.

Mystery solved!? Please don't feel bad. I acted this way for years and nobody told me til it was too late, or I just couldn't hear it? I think it's awesome that you've been able to take it in. Plus just your original story of whether or not to confront, moved me to engage more, as people here were telling you that they would speak up. So I did, and talked about THAT with my T. So it was a whole ripple effect! And makes it something I have to look at in my life more. Just wow. Best birthday present ever. Thanks.

Happy Birthday!

Well, he's back in town and tonight would be a good night to go talk to him since my ex is here and can watch my son for me... but I can't screw up the courage. Damn. I feel pretty low.

I got up all the courage on Thursday night (it took a couple of drinks, but hey) and texted him, asked if he wanted a beer. He said maybe later, then later he said he had too much laundry. Laundry! But, I did finally see him at hockey yesterday afternoon. This was the first time I'd seen him since he left me at the bar. We chatted while we watched the boys practice, though I still couldn't get it together to tell him the things I want to tell him and ask him the things I want to ask him. So we just made small talk. At least he was friendly but I'm disappointed with myself for not being able to do it. And, I miss him.