Should I tell him he hurt me? how?

Figured it was time to finish the story.

I was never able to get up the courage to say "we need to talk" but I did try 3-4 more times to get him to come over for a drink so I could talk to him, without explicitly asking for the "talk". He always had some excuse. I did get him to bring his boys over for dinner one night a couple months ago but wasn't able to talk to him with them around. After that many rejections in a row, I decided to give up and get over him.

So, I've been reading some books and listening to some hypnosis tapes and doing some visualizations trying to move on. It was working okay, slow going but my thoughts of him seemed to be dwindling.

Then, last night, at my son's birthday party, one of his boys mentioned his dad has a girlfriend. It was like a brick in the gut. Worse. I've been crying and unable to eat and feeling nauseous since. I was only able to sleep with medication.

I can't remember the last time I felt this awful. The grief when my friends and my mom died was horrible in a different way, but at least it never made me question my worth. At least it wasn't a rejection. What makes it worse is that I feel awful that we never even had a relationship, just a friendship with a bit of sex, and that it's been THREE MONTHS and I still feel this way. I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I had to force myself to come to work today. I can't help but hate myself for having emotions this intense over something so casual.

He was always so happy about being single, so thrilled about his new found freedom, that I never expected him to want to make me (or anyone) his girlfriend no matter how much he liked me. So, what does this girl have that I don't that made him want to make her his girlfriend? Why didn't he think I deserved so much as a good bye? How crazy would I look if I asked for the explanation now? Do I care anymore if he knows I'm crazy? Would knowing the specific details of why he didn't ever want to see me again really make me feel better?

I'm sorry that you are hurting.

It seems like you have the explanation. He kept his distance after being hurt at the bar and that hurt was never addressed because talking about feelings is hard.

I don't think that approaching him for an explanation is going to make you feel any better.

You could still apologize.

An apology probably won't get him back (though you never know), but it might be the right thing to do anyways. For you.

Thanks Bill. I've been doubting more and more that the "bar incident" actually did offend him. I think he was just finished with me and too much of a coward to tell my face. I kinda think this because I'd heard little from him in the to weeks preceding that anyway. I tried to make the apology by getting him over here alone but he just wouldn't accept my offers. After four or so rejections I was forced to give up, to preserve my dignity. But I did try, as much as my level of courage would allow. And now its seeming more and more like I was just a lay to him, nothing more. Needless to say, ouch.

Right now you are feeling used. I'm sorry.

Both explanations we are looking at could have truth to them. It could be true that he was finished with you, and it could also be true that he was offended at the bar. He did, after all, walk out abruptly. But maybe abruptly walking out is something that he would typically do. What do you think?

I thought I knew him pretty well, and I thought one of the things I knew about him was that "houdiniing" was uncharacteristic. But I realize I barely knew him at all. So who knows if that was a normal behavior for him. I do know that when the girl he was seeing before me asked him what was going on in their relationship (via text), he replied with a vague song lyric. He also said that "she couldn't take a hint" and kept texting him even when he wouldn't answer her. I scolded him for that, I told him he should have just been honest with her. He also said "she had served her purpose". I don't know what made me think he wouldn't treat me the same way when I'd served my purpose. :-( I guess I thought because we were more friends than anything else he wouldn't feel the need to dump me in that fashion. So the more I think about it, the more I think he's probably just a bad person. But what hurts is that I'm sure he's capable of being a nice guy if he wants. I'm sure he's nice enough to his new girlfriend. Why couldn't he treat me with dignity?

Okay. So the more you think about him, the more you realize there are some real problems there. You are noticing in particular stuff in your relationship that at the time you did not pick up on or attach sufficient significance to.

Well, if he isn't a good person then it is understandable (not right, but understandable) that he didn't treat you and others with dignity.

But if okay I'd like to go back to you...would you now handle the original situation differently?

I guess what's bothering me is I know he's CAPABLE of treating people with dignity, and it hurts that he chose not to with me.

Handle the situation differently? I think I wouldn't have given him the option of deciding whether or not we were going to have a talk about it. I would have cornered him and MADE him listen to my apology. In our relationship in general, I'm sure I could have returned some of the affection he showed me, I held back for fear of getting hurt - which is funny because I can't imagine a situation that would hurt more than this. There are a lot of things I would have done differently. Mostly it all just comes back to being more open, about my feelings, about what I expected from the relationship, about everything. The good feelings I had for him before and the angry and sad feelings I had later.

Yeah, even though something might be "understandable"...it can still hurt a lot. I'm sorry.

I think your reflections about it all make a lot of sense though. About being more open about your feelings, and more assertive when you have something you need to say. You've gained some really good ideas and insight.

Yeah, I'm doing a positive psychology program online and one of the steps is to determine how the relationship made me better. The more I think about it the more desperate I am for an explanation. Good or bad it has to be better than not knowing. Probably because I'm a rational thinker and need answers for everything. "Everything happens for a reason" and "it just wasn't meant to be" sound like a crock to me. I just don't know how to get my explanation from him.

Final Chapter:

Nothing else happened after my last update. I continued to do better and better getting over him and even met someone new. However, when that new relationship ended for reasons of its own, I had more time to go back and question what happened with Neighbor.

I had spoken with my therapist about it. He thought it may not be a bad idea to go ahead and just get together with him and ask what happened. But I was wrapped up in this new guy and feeling much better so I didn't.

Last weekend I went to a friend's wedding. I spent most of my time with her best best friends who were all a little hurt that they weren't bridesmaids and had little to do with the planning of the wedding. This prompted me to remember my best friend's wedding and wonder, yet again, why she never even mentioned asking me to be a bridesmaid. This was five years ago and I thought, what the hell, why not ask her why she didn't. It's been bothering me, I may as well know. So I asked her. She responded that they didn't want too many in the bridal party and she was really close with the girl she chose at the time and she regrets it and she's sorry and she loves me. Well, that went so well I thought, why the hell not unbury some more hatchets and find out what happened with Neighbor? So, after a considerable number of glasses of wine (this is after the wedding reception) I send the following text message (pretty proud of my grammar given my state at the time):

"Hey. I know its been a long time but I was hoping I could get an explanation why you stopped talking to me. I've been confused about it for a while and thought I'd get over it but I find it's still on my mind. If for nothing more than to help me understand future relationships. I've already f***ed up another one. P.S. If you're tempted to reply with song lyrics, please don't reply at all."

I received the following message about a day later:

"hey. been out of touch for past few days. I didn't intentionally stop talking to u. Life got really busy for me and I've been gone a lot. I've since found a girl I've been w for several months. I think ur great and still think so. We never talked about anything beyond hanging out and having fun."

And, my response:

"No, I know. It just seemed an abrupt end to a friendship I had enjoyed. I assumed it was something I'd done. 'I got busy' is about the lamest excuse I've ever heard. Right after 'too much laundry.'"

I don't believe him that he simply got too busy for me. I think he is ********ting me. Which is what I was afraid of and one of the main reasons I chose to never try texting him about it before: I suspected he would choose to evade the question with something like this. Also, right before the other guy dumped me, he said the exact same thing: "I think you're great." What the f does that even mean? I can't decide whether to take it as a compliment or not. It doesn't feel like a compliment. It feels like placating. Also, "too busy" has always been an offensive excuse to me no matter who is giving it: I'm a single mom and a CPA (and this was during tax season = working 50-60 hours a week), serving on three non-profits boards, programming a radio show twice a month, coaching a kickball team, and snowboarding or traveling to shows on my (one) day off. Busy? BUSY?! I'll effing show you busy. And I never just stopped talking to any of my friends.

Needless to say, my self-esteem has taken a major blow. I'm reeling; I haven't delved into depression like this since college, since before my son was born. I'm questioning my worth in every facet of my life. I recognize this as some sort of daddy issue... I think I have an inordinate need for male affection given my (lack of a) relationship with my father. Top this off with the fact that three of my closest and most supportive male friends have died in the last year and a half (yeah, the third died in the midst of all of this, about two months ago, just as I was getting super close with him and discovering all we really had in common). Oh, and P.S. my aunt is going the same way as my mom: she will die of cancer any day now.

I don't want anyone to think I'm taking all of this lying down. I have an appointment with my therapist next week. I plan on telling him I desperately need to rebuild my self esteem. I also have a list of positive affirmations taped to my bathroom mirror, as of this afternoon. That's supposed to help right? Also, I'm practicing gratitude every time I think of it. In fact, I'll do it right now. I am grateful for: my son's health; my smart, cute, sweet puppy; my sister and her unwavering support; my funny, brilliant friends; my house, my job, and the town I live in; wine.

If anyone has actually read this far, thank you times one million. You da best.

You're impressive!

Thank you for the final chapter.

I think that "You're great." means "I am just not that into you. I would tell you that except I don't want to talk about feelings, it is easier to leave you hanging."

I'm sorry that those guys did that to you.

Damn. I was hoping it meant, 'You are great. So great, in fact, that I can't even handle your presence because you are starting to make me feel bad about myself by comparison.'

I just assume that's how most men feel. That's not good, is it?

I don't know. I think it's better for my self-esteem to believe that rather than to believe they just don't value me enough to tell me the truth.

Try not to take it personally. I think that such guys would do it to anyone. It is about them, not you.