[Lynneledgewood]

Okay so brief background. I am kind of aloof. I always let my ex-husband hang with his friends whenever he wanted. A lot of his friends wives used to complain about it to me. It didn't bother me. Sometimes he was gone fishing all week-end. I don't expect a lot in return at least I don't think I do. If I am in a long term commitment like marriage. I want my SO to want me if he sees a hot woman. I want to be the only woman he loves with romantic love. One of my male friends says that guys aren't like that and I am being unrealistic is that true?

[studentofthegame]

i don't think you're being unrealistic.

i'm not sure if i've ever been in love. i thought i was twice with ex girlfriends, but as i'm nearly 30 when i look back my view is changing about how things were.

there's a book that i read and in it the author defined love as he saw it, and his definition made a lot of sense to me, and it is now my reference point and gives me hope that i am actually capable of being in love with someone in a healthy relationship. the book is called The Road Less Travelled, by M. Scott Peck. i'd recommend it.

[Peaceful Soul]

Originally Posted by Lynneledgewood

Okay so brief background. I am kind of aloof. I always let my ex-husband hang with his friends whenever he wanted. A lot of his friends wives used to complain about it to me. It didn't bother me. Sometimes he was gone fishing all week-end. I don't expect a lot in return at least I don't think I do. If I am in a long term commitment like marriage. I want my SO to want me if he sees a hot woman. I want to be the only woman he loves with romantic love. One of my male friends says that guys aren't like that and I am being unrealistic is that true?

Hi Lynn: I do not think you are being unrealistic but you are looking for a rare specimen of a male. As a male and as one who has been married, It seems the more I gave and loved my woman, the more she distanced herself and eventually left. Yes, she was/is borderline but she may never admit to it. I guess it is a case by case type of thing. I was everything for quite a time and then I was nothing. I was prince charming and then one day I became prince alarming. Peace, PS

[adam_k]

I think in a healthy relationship you have to give your SO their freedom. Telling them you can't hang out with friends is akin to saying I don't trust you to be alone and I have to babysit your actions.

I think it is possible for a man to love a women like you propose, but being a male we think about other people. I think our brains are wired to desire healthy, attractive women. I don't think there is a man that can deny what they consider beautiful because they are in a relationship with someone. I think it's quite possible for someone to want another person more than anyone else. Be it just based on looks, or based on their experiences with another person. I think the latter is more feasible.

I do feel everyone can control their actions. I think it is expected for a monogamous relationship that a person is only intimate (physically and emotionally) with you. A person choices to be faithful to another. I think you have to acknowledge what you find attractive and be at piece with it. I think you have to find a SO that you feel attracted to, otherwise the physical attraction won't be there.

I think driving someone wild comes from a connection and trust you build over time. I think you learn what your partner enjoys and you keep exploring to keep it exciting. After being in a relationship for 8 years, one does tend to get bored at times. On both sides from my experience. I think you have to keep exploring to keep it exciting, otherwise it become mechanical. I think talking honestly and openly about what you want/enjoy it works best. Sometimes you should push the envelope.

[Inedible]

Originally Posted by Lynneledgewood

Okay so brief background. I am kind of aloof. I always let my ex-husband hang with his friends whenever he wanted. A lot of his friends wives used to complain about it to me. It didn't bother me. Sometimes he was gone fishing all week-end. I don't expect a lot in return at least I don't think I do. If I am in a long term commitment like marriage. I want my SO to want me if he sees a hot woman. I want to be the only woman he loves with romantic love. One of my male friends says that guys aren't like that and I am being unrealistic is that true?

If he sees other women and finds that he is sexually attracted to them, that is not his fault. If he chooses to keep looking for the purpose of becoming increasingly turned on, then it starts to be on him.

At one point I had a factory job where the main work area was not properly heated or air-conditioned. During the summer when it was 100 degrees F outside and it felt like 115 F outside it would often feel another 10 degrees hotter still inside. I could drink 10 L of water on a shift and still be dehydrated. There were women working on all the lines and they were dressed for the weather. There were low cut shirts everywhere, and the shorts would start to fall down as the shift progressed. I don't know why so many people didn't wear belts there. If your eyes are open it isn't up to you what you choose to see, but it is up to you to decide what you are going to focus on. When I caught myself looking, I would decide to wait until I got home, where my wife was waiting for me. And then I would look at her.

Of course I don't think it's unrealistic Lynn.

In the past whenever I have responded to situations like this I have been criticized because what I feel is apparently impossible; men are supposed to be the same or similar with regards to how we see women, attractiveness, sex, relationships, and so forth.

The last time I was in a relationship was 5 years ago, and when I was dating her, I didn't look at other women like that or even so much as spend time with another woman. She would later leave me and that would be the end of relationships for me for a long time. I don't know if this was a healthy thing or not for me to be so focused on a single individual, but I didn't really have others in my life either, which made it more difficult for me.

But I don't think men are 'wired' to be attracted to other woman whenever we see them. Frankly, I think too many people lack a real understanding of human nature, and too often associate a common human behavior as being 'wired' in or 'human nature.'

Furthermore, I don't think physical attractiveness is half as important as it is made out to be, and that might be the reason I am rarely, if ever, attracted to female strangers I come across. My last GF was unattractive in the conventional sense of the word – overweight, awkward, bad skin, etc. – but I thought she was absolutely stunning . Really, I don't find that I take much notice of people's appearances until after I know them, or sometimes not at all. True story, someone I am close to was around 7 months pregnant, and I didn't notice!

I don't know if this helped at all but these are my thoughts.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Lynneledgewood

SO to want me if he sees a hot woman. I want to be the only woman he loves with romantic love.

I am not a guy so I won't interfere with the discussion, but I do want to point out that those are two distinct requirements.

[Harley47]

I think Adam nailed it. Men will, by nature, notice an attractive female. As much as we hate it at times, it just sort of...happens. But physical attraction and love are two totally, completely separate things. What you're asking for, if I'm understanding you correctly, isn't only NOT unrealistic, it should be pretty much the standard for a committed relationship. His eyes might catch an attractive woman from time to time, but he should always hold you in his heart.