Should I be talking to an ex?

Hello All,
I am still in love with him. He claims to love me too but apparently not enough to spend a life with me. He still wants us to be friends and considers me one of his best friends. I don't think I'll ever be able to see him as a friend. I die every time we communicate. I am always afraid of the day he'll tell me that he found somebody new, or that he's getting married, or that he is having kids...
I have found that I am a really weak person when it comes to trying to stop communication with him. He always gets angry with me when I try to do so. He makes me feel like I am this evil person who says no to his friendship. Why does he want us to be friends so bad?
How can I be friends with him? Should I cut him off? I am totally lost with this, and to tell you the truth it is ruining my efforts to move on with somebody new. On the other hand I feel really ill being cut-off from him as well. I have no idea what to do.

I think you should tell him that you aren't capable of "just being friends" with him. At least not right now. Tell him, while it's nice that he wants to remain friends, it hurts too much for you. It's selfish of him to expect you to keep a connection that you're not able to deal with right now. You're not evil; you're human.

I understand not wanting to be cut off from him. But you can't make him love you "that way." It takes time to get over someone you really love, but it's no good if he doesn't feel the same, and you're only hurting yourself if you're seeking a relationship that isn't going to happen.

My ex wanted to try and remain friends after I filed for divorce and moved out. He even went so far as requesting we still have sex until we found other people. (much to my surprise, he'd been seeing someone before I'd even moved out and couldn't wait to "release the sexual tension that is so great between us." The idiot left a message board open on our mutual computer, logged on, with his PMs up for viewing. Gee, ya think maybe he wanted to get caught? ). Then he requested that he come over and see if we/he were/was sexually aroused by each other/me at all, because he wanted to find out if we/he were/was really over each other/me. Just a few weeks earlier this is the guy who was on his knees sobbing and begging to try and make it work because his life would be meaningless without me. Oh brother.

My boyfriend from after my divorce broke up after an old, platonic female friend re-entered his life and he wanted to be able to see where it went sexually. At least he honored my request to break it off before he cheated on me. He even made a call to her while we were on vacation, after I'd fallen asleep. I saw the charge to the room and asked if he'd called to see how the dog was doing. His answer was a hesitant, awkward "uhhhhh, yeah." He said he had to have several people in his life to fulfill all of his needs. His guy friends were his "go out and get ***** faced buddies." This girl was his "download 80's MP3s and reminisce buddy." Supposedly I was his "snuggle up on the couch and "do stuff" buddy." (Yeah, how juvenile. The guy was 34 and referred to being sexually intimate as "doing stuff.") I told him the new girl seemed more than willing to take over my buddy role. It didn't make matters any better that she was a stripper in a "take EVERYTHING off" club.

Some exes will make requests that just aren't feasible. Yes, I can understand you still being emotionally attached to him even if you don't want to be. That really seems to be the hardest part to let go of, even if the emotions aren't necessarily positive ones.

Since he wants something that you can't agree to, and he doesn't want to be together as a couple, I'd say this is one of those instances where you're going to have to be strong for your own well being and cut it off, regardless of how he feels about it. He's sure not taking your feelings into consideration by getting angry when you say you can't honor his request to remain friends.

It seems my ex-H had a thing of wanting to put up a front that everyone likes him, always, even ex girlfriends/wives. Kind of a "Look. I'm such a great guy, no one can resist me. Wouldn't you love to have a boyfriend like that?" Oh gag. Sure, I want to be in a relationship where you're still best buddies with everyone you ever had sex with. Not.

It's taken six years and a lot of bitterness on my part to let it all go. We have kids, so I still have a minimal amount of contact with him, like it or not.

Sorry for the rant.

I have been on both sides and have found that the best thing is to take a break and stay away from that person for a while. I need to take time away so that I can get myself thinking straight again and get a grip on some of my feelings. I can't imagine why he would get on your case about it. I can't imagine any friend EVER making me feel like an evil person. That isn't right.

Oh my gosh, I can really relate to your post, Valexand. I was in a similair situation, and it nearly killed me. I finally broke the ties to the person I was having this issue with. I thought I'd never get over him, but you know what? I find that distance is the best thing in a situation like this. I have finally moved on, and I feel free. I hope you do what is right for you, don't let anyone manipulate you into feeling guilty. You are the one that matters here. Don't settle for less, you deserve someone that loves you the way you deserve to be loved. My thoughts and best wishes are with you!

Love,
Sujin

Hi, there,
My ex and I tried to keep up a relationship of sorts after we broke up....didn't work because we were both still to emotionally volitile...We had to make a clean break...and it was actually nastier than the original separation...he wanted up to continue the way we were, and I was in the same boat you are. We actually spent years not communicating...but now we have both processed the part of our lives that we shared...worts and all, and we are now the best of friends. I'm glad we made the break we did. He and his new family are welcome in my new families lives, and vice versa...his kids(that aren't ours) and my kids (that aren't his) all consider each other brothers and sisters...it's all cool. NOTE...it doesn't always work out that way, but it can.

Do what's right for you.. :O)

Thank you all for your support and your advice. It is really helpful to have your point of view. To give you all an update, today was the critical day for me because I told my ex to finalize all communication. No more talking, not even as friends. I am guilty of one thing though, I didn't do this on my own strength. What I was most afraid of, did happen: he casually told me today that he is planning to live together with this other girl to see if they are compatible for a future. I was able to hear something tear inside of me and this screaming pain showered me. You know? So, I used this pain I'm afraid to make him go away. If he hadn't said this to me, I'd still be too chicken to let him go. I love him like a nut. We were great together. I don't understand how and why things happened like this. In any case, mark the day today, cause I had my last conversation with him half an hour ago! I can see me crying for the rest of the day, if not the rest of the week. A part of me is dead.