Help and guidance

I am in a 36 year marriage. My husband likes to spend money and has had his own credit card that I've know about but have never seen the balance or what he puts on it.
I just confronted him recently that I want to see the statement and he refuses unless I put his name on my bank account (which I don't want to do because of his spending habits). I've told him to leave if he chooses not to share this information with me as I feel a marriage should be open and honest. He finally agreed to pack up and leave today but then I get scared, changed the subject and he doesn't end up leaving which makes me even more angry at myself.
I feel disgusted when I look at him and nothing but anger comes out of my mouth when I talk to him.
Any comments would be so much appreciated.

Welcome to PC ! I'm sure you'll find lots of friendship and support here.

What you're describing is tough. I feel very bad for you. 36 years is a long time to be with someone. Is this a new thing with him or has he been like this for 36 years?

Of course you are right that a marriage is supposed to be open and honest. And he clearly does not want to reveal what he's buying. That could be because it's something he considers shameful, or it could just be a power play (since you're asking, he's not telling). Without seeing the statement, you won't know.

Splitting up is certainly one way of dealing with this situation. But, is it in your self-interest? Only you can answer that, but here are some questions that I'd be thinking about:

- Is he secretive about other things? Do you know about other aspects of your finances, such as how much money you have saved, how much life insurance you have, etc? If so, is that trait acceptable to you? More importantly, do you know if you have sufficient assets to live by yourself? This is tax season, so pay attention to the forms you're signing. You might learn a lot.

- Is he paying the credit card bills in full each month or is he acruing debt? You can call the credit card company if you can find the account number on his credit card. Unfortunately, this requires you to be sneaky, and you might not want to do that.

- Is the marriage solid in other areas, or is this just one more issue piled on top of a bunch of issues?

- Have you been to marriage therapy? If he won't go, you can still go for individual therapy to help you deal with your anger at him (which seems totally justified to me!) and set/keep boundaries with him.

I'm sure you'll get great advice and affirmation here. I wish you well!

I am normally ok with privacy, but this is too much. I find it hard to reason why he would rather walk out of 36 years of marriage rather than let you see his bank account. It does make me very concerned that he's in debt, and over his head. I agree, don't put your name on his account.

Do you think there could be any other reason for his behaviour? How was he when you were first married - was he more open with finances? Are there any other things that have changed with his behaviour?

Please don't be angry with yourself, its scary stuff having this hang over your head. I do not know how to make him include you, I guess you cannot make anyone do anything. Have you tried saying to him that you want to know for a few reasons? That you are concerned about his spending habits, but say that you'll stick by him to try and help sort things through with them? Explain that it will not get better until he faces the truth. There are debt experts that can help. Maybe the gentler approach, sitting down together may help him open up. He could be feeling afraid because everything is out of control. This is only a guess of course, but I did that in my youth, and I would be in denial and when confronted, be quite aggressive about not talking about it.

Hugs

Thanks for your response This is one thing on top of other issues. He does not pay the credit card balance off every month. He makes payments of several hundred $'s a month and it doesn't seem like they ever stop. I feel as if we are roomates instead of marriage partners.
We have been to marriage counseling in the past but it never did any good. I think I do need to talk to someone to sort out some feelings.
I feel like I'm at my wits end. How do you know when you have fallen out of love with someone?

I'm sure he's not letting you see HIS because you won't put his name on YOURS. This is a vindictive thing he's doing -- he's trying to get EVEN with you. Trouble is, you have no idea what he's spending his money on, and all that money is SUPPOSED to be both of yours -- not just HIS.

His thinking is all screwed up. Have you two ALWAYS separated your funds? Have you always had a separate account without his name on it and have you always had YOUR money and he always had HIS money? Was there never an account that was considered OUR money, i.e. for the two of you? Who pays the bills? What account does that come out of? Does he just play with his money?

If you pay all the bills and he just plays with his money, then by NO means should you put his name on your account. But like I said, he's just being vindictive because his name isn't on your account. And I assume it's his spendiing habits that is the reason. He sounds like a little kid -- give him 5 cents and he'll go buy candy.

You need to know how much debt he has incurred. That's a given. If he should drop dead tomorrow, you'd be liable for this. He needs to let you see this balance!!! He's being irresponsible. I don't blame you for being angry! I would be too. Best of luck and God bless. Hugs, Lee

IMO, when you start asking yourself if you've fallen out of love with someone, the answer is typically yes.

Thanks to all who provided their opinions...at least I know now that I'm not crazy. OK he told me that the balance on his credit card is 14K. I cried for an hour and told him to leave for the night. He cut up his credit card and told me that he would sell his personal things to pay it off (I'm not sure what to believe any more). I'm glad that at least I know some of the story but am very angry that he told me a year ago that the balance at that time was almost paid off.
I don't know what to do.....