[siti61]

hi
i new in this group. i badly need to lift myself up. i being married for the past 20 years. life has been one big rollercoaster for me. i have good nice husband that all. other than that he is foreverr wants to do something, doing a risky bussiness, put me and the children in financially depleted stage. he do not call, he go out of the house will not come back.come back when he feel the need. he make a lot of promise but never keep it. he always told me to be patience but i been patience for the past 20 years. i take care of the house, i been struggle financially. i have talk to him, angry at him, scold him, encourage him, support him emotionally. i just at my wit end, i am angry, sad, dissapointed and very mad. he has not back home for the past 3 weeks. i want to take charge of my life but i do not know where to start and how to help my husband to an active spouse and not an absent father. thanks to any one who answer this posting.

[Audrey]

Hi siti61
Welcome to the post. What does he do for a bussiness? I don't blame you for being at your wits end. It sounds to me like he is "walking all over you" He seems to think that he is the boss in the relationship. It shouldn't be like that. In a relationship no one should be the boss, it is supposed to be mutual. I'm courious to know how he reacts when you tell him that you are burned out from his behavior. At a time like this it might help if you thought about the good times in your lives. If you can't think of any, then try asking him for what he thinks are his reasons for being with you. Ask him to list the good times. It might make him start to think about just how much he is missing.

[siti61]

hi audrey

thanks for the support. i so tired to talk to him. i always believe that be an adult, but sometime i think i pamper him alot. i do not know, how can love so right, can be so wrong, where one party pump in alot of effort to stay in a relationship. i am tempted to asked him why he stay in this marriage. maybe i not ready to hear his answer but i do not want to throw 20 years of marriage down the drain. maybe i just plain stupid. holding to what i also do not know. i cannot say the children need him, all my children respect and love him but they never missed him. they treat his absence as bad working life cos i never make remark about his working life. he is one lucky guy.! i do not want to open the pendora box and get a wrong answer, i wish i can treat him with silent treatment but silence treatment is not an answer its just silence. i really burned out person need to be strong hopefully i be one.

[Audrey]

Hi siti61
I understand why you wouldn't want to throw it all away, but do you really think there is a chance that he will tell you that he doesn't want to be with you anymore? If there is then your not being fair to yourself, or to him. If there is something that you two can do to work on making things better, then you need to talk about that. Problems aren't just going to go away by doing nothing about them. It sounds like you don't want to be alone, and you sound like an awfully strong person to be able to deal with this situtation. Talk calmly. If it looks like tension is arrising, then try stoping the conversation for a little bit and go back to it later. I say that because you say you would rather give him the silent treatment. Anyway, don't give up hope yet. If you've been able to get through 20 years of marriage like this, i know that you can get through anything, so just relax, and talk to him. Try asking him if he loves you. ... just a suggestion. I'm thinking that he doesn't even realize how much it is hurting you. Sometimes even if you tell someone that you are hurting, it doesn't register to them. So try asking him about his feellings for you. Don't be scared to talk to him - he didn't marry you because you were afraid to let him know how you feel did he? Anyway, let me know what you think, or how it goes.
Audrey

[siti61]

hai Audrey

I do know audrey maybe i am going downhill. I want to talk to him, how can you said to your spouse that issue need to be settle, problem need to be solve, maybe he also afraid what our answer will be.
Maybe I make a dateline, writing down problem, sometime I do not know whether in relationship is there such thing as right or wrong. thank you for be my listening ears.

[lonelyone]

siti,

I am in a marriage like yours. My husband is emotionally absent. He's self-employed lawyer making lots of money but he goes to bars every night. He drinks a LOT and hasn't paid any income taxes this year. Every year we struggle with income taxes. He spends money like water and then borrows against the house. Last year, he blew $3,000 in one night in Las Vegas and borrowed money for the trip. I am still paying for this "loan".

Why I stay, I don't know. Like you, I have kids. Maybe when they finish school I'll leave for good. I don't know. I will have to start over with no money, but I can support myself I think. I will swallow my pride and leave. God bless you, and I hope you find the strength one day to stand on your own two feet, too. Good luck to you, siti.

[siti61]

hai lonelyone

maybe we are women who love too much, i do not want to be obssesive with his wherabout but relationships is two way traffic. i live is the 7th most expensive city in the world and yes financially is killing. last night while i surf the web i went to self help site. its says you are someone not the extention of your husband (or whoever you with) so to care for yourself is a sign of maturity not selfishness. Its also said to start small and today i shall do something for myself constructively.