[iliketherain]

Hey guys.

This post is about my past 6 year relationship. My boyfriend and I got back together this past year, after I found out he cheated on my over 3 years ago. He finally admitted it, and apologized, as well as said he would have told me sooner if he had thought I would not break-up with him.

So, we start "dating" again, with the promise he would never cheat on me again, as well. I moved home, which is over 12 hours away from his home, this past August, and on Friday he told me he cheated on me again last week, as well as had almost cheated several times before.

He then told me he wanted to break-up, and that he had wanted to break-up for awhile. He said he would not have cheated otherwise. He also said he had feelings for the girl he cheated with, which basically makes me feel like I am being dumped for another girl.

He also told me that he only drinks so much because he was so miserable with me. That really hurts.

The parts of this that I'm leaving out, are:

I feel like I drove him away by being worried about him cheating on me constantly. I always asked him if he was, especially after I found he had already done so the first time.

When we lived together, we had a LOT of problems. I would always get upset when he wanted to go out drinking. Eventually, this turned into every night, and I was so worried, I would often-times take my home-work to bars and do it while he drank, just so I could be around him.

I gave up everything, when we lived together: I had no friends, I could not talk to anyone, even online, that he didn't approve of, he had my facebook password and constantly checked it, as well as my cellphone. He was always jealous and put me down constantly - like literally insulted every aspect of my existence - my intelligence, my physical appearance, my home life. I think possibly the worst thing he ever said to me, was:

"If God exists, then the reason you were molested is because he knew you were going to be a horrible person, and you deserved it."

That was in heat of an argument, mind you, but considering how much this situation hurt me (as it involved my father), he should not have gone there. But yeah, he definitely emotionally destroyed me with his words.

There were times when we would get into arguments, and I would try to stop him from leaving, by doing such things as: standing behind his car, taking his keys, trying to follow him in our apartment (which led to him slamming the door on me over and over or pushing me out of the room). He hit me only maybe 3 or 4 times - one of those times resulted in my nose bleeding.

But that's not here or now, and I feel like I definitely did drive him away. I am hurting so much.

I posted on this problem the other day, but I wanted to start a thread to get feedback on the possibility of me being codependent? I mean, I think I definitely am. In fact, I believe I have acted as an inverted narcissist, relationship-wise, and I believe my ex-boyfriend can be classified as an abusive narcissist.

Knowing one way or another will not change anything, but maybe it can help me find psychological solutions to get past my damage. As of right now, I am completely devastated.

I am questioning myself in every aspect. I am so sad.

He told me he wanted to stay friends, but I know I shouldn't want to be his friend, just like I shouldn't want him back, but I do. I am so, so, so hurt.

[iliketherain]

I honestly feel like I would rather not live, than have to live through this.

I mean, he knew being cheated on was my greatest fear, and he did it anyway. I used to have these nightmares that he would cheat on me, and I would catch him, but he wouldn't stop.

In a way, it's exactly like these nightmares have come true.

This is ripping my heart out.

[iliketherain]

I'm sorry for continuously posting, but I feel like i also need some feedback on if I am responsible for this?

A part of me really really wants things to go back to the way they were when we were happy, or even the way they were when he was cheating. I just really don't want to be cast aside and abandoned and forgotten and left alone.

I think I am more attractive than the girl he dumped me for, and I know that sounds terrible. He said it has nothing to do with looks. I am super-obsessed with my perceived physical shortcomings, and now I just want to get in even better shape and get plastic surgery and get into grad school and start an awesome career, and maybe then, he'll love me.

This sounds so pathetic, I know, but I just don't understand how this could have happened. I am in complete and utter shock.

[iliketherain]

He just told me he is hurting too, but if he is hurting so much, then why did he do this? And why won't he realize it was a mistake, and ask me to take him back?

[Meisjes]

Iliketherain, this guy is not the guy for you. I don't know if he is narcissistic but what he is doing is cruel beyond words. Cruel to you and to every other girl he is with. He does not deserve to be with anyone and You do not deserve to be treated this way. then he has the gall tells you he is hurting????? The only place he's hurting is in his pants. That's why he's cheating. He has not even started to think about how this is affecting you, never mind all the other cruel things he has said to you. And he tells you he is hurting. He is the most selfish self-centred - did I say selfish person ever. I wouldn't give him another millisecond time of thought. There are much kinder guys out there, and I'm certain there is one who would treat you with respect and dignity, that is what you deserve.

You might like to get some help before dating again and find out that you are a valuable human being, worthy of being treated like the fine person you are. Talk to someone who will build your self-esteem and help you see that its ok to expect respect from the person who says they love you. Don't take nothing less than that.

[Bill3]

I gave up everything, when we lived together: I had no friends, I could not talk to anyone, even online, that he didn't approve of, he had my facebook password and constantly checked it, as well as my cellphone. He was always jealous and put me down constantly - like literally insulted every aspect of my existence - my intelligence, my physical appearance, my home life.

I am really sorry that you are hurting now. However, you did not deserve this sort of treatment. Try to think of his cheating and leaving as a blessing in disguise. Stay away from him and time will help you heal.

[NWgirl2013]

There you are! I wondered how you were doing...
Sweet girl, stay strong, stay away from this situation.
I'm sorry too that you are hurting.
Do you have other things, work, school, friends, family, even a hobby to turn to? Keeping your mind on other things will really help.
Even taking some pretty pictures with your phone will cheer you up.
One step at a time. You will get there.
And Bill3 is right: this is truly a blessing in disguise.

[hamster-bamster]

Have the nosebleeds been documented by any chance?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by iliketherain

He just told me he is hurting too, but if he is hurting so much, then why did he do this? And why won't he realize it was a mistake, and ask me to take him back?

You should do the following things, in this order:

1) block him from communicating to you
2) never think about whether he is hurting, why he did what he did, his motivation, his train of thought, and his diagnoses. You won't get anywhere thinking these thoughts.
3) you are completely done with him as he told you that you deserved to be molested and that completely rules him out of consideration forever
4) attractions are irrational and idiosyncratic and not based on looks alone and it is very common that someone would leave a more attractive partner for a less attractive partner, so you should not try to win him back by plastic surgery, because it would be. 1) ineffective and b) even if effective, detrimental to your wellbeing. So if you have money put away for plastic surgery, buy a CD to make the money unavailable to you for right now.
5) get a pen and paper or open a spreadsheet and make a list of your sacrifices. You said that you gave up everything for him. So make a list. Think carefully and remember every detail
6) from the list in (5), extract the names of people with whom you lost contact and contact them in order to recover connections, one person a day
7) finally, you should realize that there is a difference between things that are. And are not within your control. You cannot control his behavior - if he wants to be with another girl, you cannot prevent it from happening. But you can control your behavior. If he wanted your facebook password, it was within your power and control to realize that he is abusing you and stop seeing him. Do not ever give your passwords to anybody.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by iliketherain

He just told me he is hurting too, but if he is hurting so much, then why did he do this? And why won't he realize it was a mistake, and ask me to take him back?

He did not make a single mistake.

A mistake happens when somebody who is generally on the right course goes off the right course for some reason.

Say I generally use correct punctuation when I am posting, and I know the rules of correct punctuation and do want to follow them, but whem I am using the cell phone for posting, I sometimes make mistakes because using the phone is tough.

He consistently and without fail controlled and abused you. That was his course of action. This course was right for him and he followed it without going off it for a moment.

[iliketherain]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

He did not make a single mistake.

A mistake happens when somebody who is generally on the right course goes off the right course for some reason.

Say I generally use correct punctuation when I am posting, and I know the rules of correct punctuation and do want to follow them, but whem I am using the cell phone for posting, I sometimes make mistakes because using the phone is tough.

He consistently and without fail controlled and abused you. That was his course of action. This course was right for him and he followed it without going off it for a moment.

Thank you so much for your insight. I know my post probably came across as ridiculous, considering the situation, but I tend to allow people to treat me however they see fit.

And I guess this was why I was so emotionally devastated by the situation. Some part of me wanted to believe that despite how horrible he could be at times, he would eventually realize what he was doing and change.

Obviously, that did not and would not have happened, and because of this, I am happy the relationship is over.

@Hamster-Bamster, thank you so much. I am definitely taking all of your advice to heart. You are too kind.

[iliketherain]

Originally Posted by NWgirl2013

There you are! I wondered how you were doing...
Sweet girl, stay strong, stay away from this situation.
I'm sorry too that you are hurting.
Do you have other things, work, school, friends, family, even a hobby to turn to? Keeping your mind on other things will really help.
Even taking some pretty pictures with your phone will cheer you up.
One step at a time. You will get there.
And Bill3 is right: this is truly a blessing in disguise.

@NWgirl2013 Thank you so much again!!! I am definitely trying to stay busy. The first few days were definitely the worst, but I feel like I'm starting to accept the situation for what it is.

I can't thank you, and everyone else who responded to this thread, enough for your support and kind words. I still don't know too many people in this part of Tennessee, so I don't really have a lot of other people to talk with currently.

I think I actually started to annoy my friends back home when I would ask for advice, in regards to this relationship. After a while, they would be like, either break-up with him or quit talking about it, haha.

But yes...I think you all will be happy to know that today, Sunday, starts day number 5 of not contacting him. I know this seems like a small feat, but last Tuesday was the first day in nearly 6 years that I didn't call him. I am hoping to see this number exponentially rise.

Thank you all again, and Happy Easter (if you celebrate it)!!

[iliketherain]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Have the nosebleeds been documented by any chance?

And no, it wasn't, but two friends came to our apartment right after it happened and figured out what was going on (despite me lying about what really happened).

I almost feel sorry for this new girl. I would never want to go through all of that again.

[Bill3]

Sunday, starts day number 5 of not contacting him. I know this seems like a small feat, but last Tuesday was the first day in nearly 6 years that I didn't call him. I am hoping to see this number exponentially rise.

Excellent!!

It made me so happy to read this.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by iliketherain

He just told me he is hurting too, but if he is hurting so much, then why did he do this? And why won't he realize it was a mistake, and ask me to take him back?

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Have the nosebleeds been documented by any chance?

Let me explain why I asked.

The most important thing now is no contact between you and him.

There are two risks in this regard:

1) the risk of his contacting you
2) the risk of your contacting him.

Your blocking his pathways of contacting you such as blocking chats serves to reduce (1) above. If he still finds a way to contact you you might be able to get the government to protect you from unwanted interaction with him. Had the nosebleeds been documented, that would have made it easier to get a restraining order.

The government cannot protect you from yourself in this situation. The government protects people from acting against their best interest only in extreme cases such as forcing an inpatient hold if you have a plan to kill yourself. Your case is not that extreme.

So to reduce the risk of (2) you need yourself and you have done great by not calling him for almost a whole week. You also might use the help of people who are kind to you. Even posting here would help. And, if you have friends who are kind to you, you can call them and either just chat the way friends chat, or, if you have told them about the situation, you can ask for moral support to help you not contact him.

A restraining order works unilaterally. It does not restrain you from contacting him. So it is your responsibility to not contact him.

Eventually it will become second nature not to be in touch with him. It will not hurt forever.

[iliketherain]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Let me explain why I asked.

The most important thing now is no contact between you and him.

There are two risks in this regard:

1) the risk of his contacting you
2) the risk of your contacting him.

Your blocking his pathways of contacting you such as blocking chats serves to reduce (1) above. If he still finds a way to contact you you might be able to get the government to protect you from unwanted interaction with him. Had the nosebleeds been documented, that would have made it easier to get a restraining order.

The government cannot protect you from yourself in this situation. The government protects people from acting against their best interest only in extreme cases such as forcing an inpatient hold if you have a plan to kill yourself. Your case is not that extreme.

So to reduce the risk of (2) you need yourself and you have done great by not calling him for almost a whole week. You also might use the help of people who are kind to you. Even posting here would help. And, if you have friends who are kind to you, you can call them and either just chat the way friends chat, or, if you have told them about the situation, you can ask for moral support to help you not contact him.

A restraining order works unilaterally. It does not restrain you from contacting him. So it is your responsibility to not contact him.

Eventually it will become second nature not to be in touch with him. It will not hurt forever.

Thank you so much for your help. Today is Day Number 14 of not contacting him, and he has not attempted to contact me whatsoever.

I still can't believe I'm saying this, but it has been a lot less harder than I thought it would. There are brief periods everyday when I do think about him, but I think that's fairly normal...?

I don't know if this is good, but, we are still friends on Facebook. In fact, I have looked at his profile several times and it seems like he's drinking a lot more - which may account for his lack of attempts to get in touch with me.

Either way, I do not ever plan to talk to him again as of right now. I hope this does not change...no matter how much it hurts.

[hamster-bamster]

I congratulate you on doing so well!

[Bill3]

Good job!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by iliketherain

I don't know if this is good, but, we are still friends on Facebook. In fact, I have looked at his profile several times and it seems like he's drinking a lot more - which may account for his lack of attempts to get in touch with me.

I am not that familiar with FB to know whether the act of unfriending is observable by the unfriended party as a rule or only by happenstance. Say, in Google Drive, if someone removes you as an editor/viewer, you are not notified as a rule - you will notice by happenstance only, seeing that the doc/spreadsheet/presentation... is no longer displayed in the list of files on your Google Drive's main page.

BUT... even if it is only observable by happenstance, as in Google Drive, it IS observable, and I think your not unfriending him is GOOD, from that standpoint, because you are letting sleeping dogs lie. If he sees that you have unfriended him, it may instigate a chain reaction in him.

So I think that you are doing all the right things.