[chipperdear]

A quick side note, im writing this from my phone so my spelling may not be spot on because of autocorrect

Where to begin...i guess ill start from the beginning. One of my first memories is of me not talking. Every little kid is told not to talk to strangers, but i didn't even talk to people in my family other than my parents, grandparents, and a few close aunts, uncles, and cousins. When i started school i would talk if the teacher asked me a question directly (or a classmate talked to me), but would talk as quietly as possible. We were always told to use our inside voices, so i didn't want to get yelled at for talking too loudly. We were told not to run in the hallways or on the sidewalk, so i would walk extra slow to make sure i wasn't running. One day in first grade a teacher kept me inside at recess to talk to me about talking louder in class (so the teacher could hear me). I remember during inside recess (we had all day, every other day kindergarten with two outside recess periods on one inside) there were different play stations set up around the room (a sand box, blocks, and other things i don't recall) and i remember different kids seemed to prefer one area over others, so that's where they played most of the time. I didn't want to interrupt them or "steal their toys" so i would grab a couple blocks or something that wasn't being played with and play by myself. I don't really remember having friends until probably second grade, but i wasn't very close to them. They all seemed to be best friends with someone else, i was just sort of there in case no one else was around. There were occasional sleep overs, but i was the one who got makeup put on my face while i was sleeping because i fell asleep first. The other girls had talked about it while we were watching a movie, but my sleeping bag wasn't in the group of sleeping bags because there wasn't enough room or all of us in front of the tv, so i didn't know about the plans. As i got into third and fourth grade i made another friend, but she bullied me too, pulling my hair, hitting me, throwing snowballs at me. After a couple years i stopped being her friend. Middle school wasn't any better. We went to school in a different town from 5th grade up, and the kids from my elementary school were already looked down upon by the kids from that town along with the staff. We were made fun of a lot, and i remember in choir a girl didn't want to stand next to me. I had a friend or two for the rest of school, but i never felt close to anyone. Im not even sure what it means to be close to someone. I barely graduated from high school because i didn't go to class often. I was easily one of the smarter kids in school but i didn't belong there, i didn't feel comfortable there. I now know that part of my problem was the academic track i was on. I should have been on a vocational path. None of the teachers believed i would succeed in college, so i had to prove i could. I ended up graduating from college with a bachelors degree with honors without much effort. I still feel like i never belonged with those types of people (white collar, professional types), but i tried to fit in. After graduation i found a factory job back home and have never felt the sense of belonging as i have the past couple years. I love the people, i love the work i do. Im thinking about heading back to the local community college for some formal training related to my job, the type of stuff i should have studied the first time around when i had financial aid to pay for it.

Outside of school, the only othere kid in the neighborhood full time was my cousin, a few years older than me. She was friends with the kids that would come up on vacation, but they were her age too, so whenever i was hanging around with them they would all start doing things they knew i wasn't allowed to do because of my age (ride my bike across town, etc). I was the tag-along that no one wanted around.

As far as my family goes, i was raised by my mother and have no siblings. Well, legally. My father has two other children old enough to be my parents. I've never met them and to ky knowledge they don't know i exist. I haven't seen or heard from my father in approximately 15 years. It never bothered me until recently, but that's a different story I'll get to in a few minutes. Before i was born, my mom would take some of my cousins on little day trips to different historical or tourist places, but she never took me anywhere until i was an adult and could take her there. Nobody in my family ever calls or writes to see how Im doing except for my mother. That doesn't bother me much though because i don't really share the same, well, anything with my family. Im much more liberal than they are and many conversations they have make me uncomfortable. I have an aunt whose mission in life is to try to embarrass others. I have a cousin the same way. My life is much more peaceful without them. However, that leaves me with pretty much nobody except for my mother, boyfriend and pets.

And now to my boyfriend. We met at work a little over a year ago and have been together for about 6 months. He has a child from a previous marriage, but doesn't put much time or effort into their relationship. He pays child support with no complaints and sees the child about once a month for a couple hours. He says its a time/schedule conflict, but i think he just doesn't have his priorities straight. It was an unplanned pregnancy and he wasn't sure the child was his until he got a paternity test. The marriage fell apart quickly and one of his ex-wifes family members has custody. They allow my boyfriend to see the child with no arguments, they still have a good relationship. There's no custody game being played like a lot of custody arrangements then into. From my point of view, its lack of effort, immaturity, and selfishness on his part. This relationship between my boyfriend and his child is what made me rethink my relationship with my father (or lack of). I don't want him to regret it someday. He doesn't want anymore children, and Im leaning towards not having any. We agreed to do the best we can if something unplanned comes about, but we are trying to prevent it. I think he would be an amazing dad if he wanted to be. Our relationship otherwise is great, we get along really well, compatible financially, we keep religion and politics out of it, but can at least agree to disagree and be peaceful about any differences there.

Another problem i have is not feeling like Im good enough. I remember i was never tall enough or loud enough or fast enough. I got good grades until halfway through middle school when i realized that nobody really cared. My cousin would get good grades and get congratulated, etc. I got good grades and got "well, we expected it from you". I quit trying. I was the first un my family to graduate from college. I was the youngest to buy a house. Im the only responsible one in the family financially. My cousin the one i had played with when i was younger) was book smart but has zero common sense. She goes from one emotionally abusive relationship to another. Battled a drug problem, slept around. Not known for smart decisions. She recently bought a house and the family made a big deal about it. My mom has been to my house twice. No one else has seen it, but visit my cousin weekly. Everything seems to contribute to my lack of self esteem or confidence or whatever you want to call it. I know Im very hard on myself, but even at work i feel like no matter how many parts i produce or how many problems i solve, i should have made more or found the problem sooner. The boss is always quick to point out things like that. I've been cross training in a different department lately but the supervisor, without seeing any of my work, said i wasn't good enough and might as well give up. A few days later after he saw some of my work he changed his story, but i still feel worthless and like a failure.

[Perna]

It does not really sounds like mental health problems. You sound very healthy to me, just not self assured/you don't take yourself seriously, and you pay too much attention to what others say about you but don't ask from them what you want for yourself.

Everyone needs attention and praise. But you both keep ducking and, not asking for it. Where's your anger when idiot supervisors judge your work having never seen any of it? Why did you not ask, "Hey, when did you see my work that you have decided I'm not good enough? I can beat any of your regulars around the block all day!"

Your cousin makes scenes, calls attention to herself and everyone comes around. You have to call attention to yourself but in ways you want. Have a little family party to show off your house. A barbecue in your yard would certainly be much more fun than the drama in hers? But maybe not with those particular people. Just because they are family, doesn't make them friend-material? Do you actually want to be around any of these people? Maybe have a little party at your house and invite a few people you work with?

You aren't in elementary school anymore, don't have to do things the way you think the "adults" want them because they're bigger than you and can hurt you. I still remember when I got to high school and college and walked and ate too fast! My stepmother was constantly telling me I was too slow! Our perceptions as children, are children's perceptions. We can change those when we get older? No, you haven't had the practice socializing a lot of kids get as they're growing up but you can practice now, can start now learning to get to know people and seeing if you like some and some like you, etc. You don't have to prove anything to have people like you, you don't have to be good at your job or not "steal"/share their toys; one of my favorite greeting cards says:

Beware of friends turned into lovers
They'll steal your heart and then your covers

Friends want friends to share their toys with, to be proud of and celebrate. Family, not so much :-) Join some groups that look interesting to you because they're interested in something you're interested in. Does your work have a baseball team? Make the suggestion they form one (if you like baseball :-) and get on the committee to design the teeshirts or caps, etc. Does a group of coworkers go out after work some nights, ask if you can tag along but make sure you're in there talking to people, getting to know them. If it's scary, you can leave early, claim a previous engagement and tell them outright you're leaving and goodbye, etc. instead of slinking off, feeling like you weren't wanted. To heck with what other people want, what do you want? If you want friends, you go out and act friendly, that's your only job, not to decide if others like or do not like you, you can't control that, all you can do is decide if you like/do not like another and the activity you have chosen to do.

That's why I say you are healthy. You went to college because you wanted to. You bought a house because you wanted to. You took a job you wanted and enjoy. That's what makes someone healthy/unhealthy, if they are working on what they want in life, not on what someone else wants or they think they should want or whatever. But for your personal life you need to start stepping up and doing that too; acting like and even saying, "I really like you, I want to be friends with you."

[chipperdear]

My problems may not be as severe as someone diagnosed as bipolar or schizophrenic, but the anxiety and minor depression i feel because of all of this is still real. The constant fear of being judged is overwhelming at times. as much as i would like the recognition for things I've done/do, im uncomfortable with the attention and feel like i don't deserve it.

[hahalebou]

I would suggest therapy. Dysthymia and anxiety, however mild, are not easy to deal with. And even if you don't have either one of these things, you still are going through something in your life that prevents you from living it fully (or as fully as you'd want to). If you have access to a therapist, you should find one. They can help you move past these struggles you have.

[nanettetron]

I am not special I am just a wanta be mother of my son a wantabe driver of a car a wantabe published author a wantabe two millionairess. a wantabe driver of a new cadillac and a wantabe rich lady with a job . a wantabe. love and a wantabe sane person with love and peace and money and a good life. wantabe sane person I want to live and love and I want to take a cruise to Hawii on a Carnival cruise line or any cruise line. I want to buy two houses and Yeah, This schizaphrenic has dreams big dream. I hears someone gets money in the medical field for reporting that I am sick. She is very happy when I get sick so she can get a few thousand for herself and call an ambulance for me for picking me up. No one cares.

Love me and pray for me and bless me , I am an ordained minister and I want to buy a two story house and get a book published and be healthy .

[nanettetron]

Dear Hahalebou,
My name is Nanette Tron and my biological brother and his wife have employees making me sick because they say I am bad. They know everything I say and hate me. I never get ahead and I am told I am crazy and stupid. Now they have my child and I want help and prayers and love. My email is tronnanette@yahoo.com.
I want to work and I want a normal life. I have been hospitalized and dsiciplined and they say my brother who has a medical degree thinks right because he knows my every effects and hates me so I have DNA He says I do not think right and I am suicide and has ambulances pick me up and me disciplined in a psychiatric hospital.
I have a big stigma no car no money no job and told I am schizaphrenic stupid.
I am not. I have never had much peace, love or protection and the doctors want to give me assisted suicide. That is death. Please take care of me Nanette Tron and
pray for the hateful important brother, Donald G. Carrillo and his medical self and his medical wife who is paying someone to make me sick. I am a diabetic and she wants to give me cake so that I will go into the hospital. I have no family that loves me.
Do something horrible to Beverly Carrillo who is a nurce and gives me medicine and
my last name is Carrillo she makes money for always knowing what I am going to do.
My mother hates me and so does my brother Donald G. Carrillo beat me up and had me hospitalized I want them to lose their jobs. He works for Northwest Hospital and runs the hospital there and beats me up and has me arrested. He has done some illegal things and He is a hateful ungodly *****, rich, happy and laughs at me
He said I needed assisted suicide or the electric chair. That is not family or friend Him and his wife call me sick crazy stupid. I would never be on the news.

[chipperdear]

Originally Posted by hahalebou

I would suggest therapy. Dysthymia and anxiety, however mild, are not easy to deal with. And even if you don't have either one of these things, you still are going through something in your life that prevents you from living it fully (or as fully as you'd want to). If you have access to a therapist, you should find one. They can help you move past these struggles you have.

Thank you for taking my problems seriously, hahalebou. i have always felt like i would be wasting the time of a therapist because i don't have a more serious issue as many others on here do. i feel like i wouldn't be taken seriously or that my problems aren't big enough and that in just complaining.

[spondiferous]

chipperdear, it definitely sounds like you've got some depression going on. Likely some anxiety, especially of the social variety, and trust and self esteem/worth issues. Regardless of who would classify that into 'mental illness', it does sound to me like you would benefit from some therapy. I think it might do you some good to have someone to bounce things off of, to get all of those years of torment and misery out of you, get help processing it, so you can begin the healing journey and start to put your life together the way you want it. Yes, it is possible; I am living proof of that. My life was hell too. And now it's not anymore. I have people in my life who love me for who I am. Doesn't mean I have an easy time trusting them or letting them in; but it's easier than I used to be. And I'm getting used to the idea that, just like everyone else, I deserve for people to love me.

Just my two cents.