[valexand]

Hello All,
Soon I'll be 30 years old. I've had bad luck with guys and seems that this trend just wants to continue. I don't see anybody wanting to stick around with me long enough to have a family so I've been thinking of alternatives. Is it really selfish of me to go ahead and be a mom on my own? I've been looking into both adoption and sperm banks. It is scary stuff to tell you the truth. Both of these options have traps but the worst part is cheating a baby out of having a dad. But then again, what are my options, really? I want to have a big family, full with kids but I am running out of time and Mr right is nowhere. As I said, I am a breath away from 30. Should I give it a two more years of waiting for Mr Right? Should I just go ahead with it? I cannot wait to meet my children. Can I do this alone? Tough stuff, huh...

[Rhapsody]

IMO:

Physically - YES.... you can do this by your self
Sexually - NO..... you will need a donor either in RL or via a Sperm Bank
Emotionally - NO..... for both you and the baby, you will need help and the baby was created to grow up balanced and healthy with both parents in its life, if at all possible.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

there are hundreds of thousands of single parents who give emotionally and raise perfectly healthy children. it is not a mistake to want to have a child and consider your options as a single mom.

you sound as if you've thought about it and you know your options.......i wish you good luck..if you decide to do it!!! xoxox pat

[desirae]

I say go for it, a mother that wants a child that badly will offer more then enough love for her child, plus you never know if you will meet the guy of your dreams in the fututre that would take you and your package. Go for it girl.

[bebop]

I raised 2 kids mostly alone. My kids are fine.

[lenjan]

I wanted my child desperately, but I couldn't even support myself on what I was making at the time, much less 2 people. The father was nowhere to be found, and my prospects were dim. There is also nothing wrong with two-parent families who earn enough money to support children.

Children are work, and cost money. Do you have both the energy and bucks to do it by yourself? Raising a kid on welfare is unfair to the kid.

(cowering and waiting to be slammed now)

CB

candybear, i seriously doubt that you need to cower or worry about being slammed. if you will read the thread in General about PC Frustrations, there are things in there that will reassure you. please read the entire thread.

we're all coming to this thread from different life experiences and we will all respond differently.

technically, i wasn't a single mother. everything that counted meant i was. my mother made all of my children's clothes and bought most of our groceries...we would not have had either if it had not been for her.

i worked and took care of two little children..with no help from him. he was at a bar or passed out in the LR. i paid all of the utilities and maintained the vehicle. when i left him, i had one pair of jeans, two teeshirts and a couple of pairs of panties and two bras..and some sandals and one pair of sneakers. it all fit into a grocery bag with room to spare.

and he still isn't a father to them. i've been both the mother and father for 39 and 36 years......

please don't feel as if what you said will cause you grief. i don't believe that anyone here is going to do anything to hurt you.

[razeljenny]

Having a baby and desiring to raise it alone for a time can work because it sorta worked for me. Later I was hurting and sad and chose a lover to give me needed attention and to show me the masculine side of fatherhoodishness. So bernie was able to supply me and Ralphers that needed component. Me and him stayed together (unmarried- shacked up) for around 4 years and we fought sometimes but mostly it was cushy (and he had a 8 yr old son.) I remember how it felt like the best time of my entire life. The component to freedom (not being married but in love with a very special someone) really had me lit. The babies read dad had started to do crack and I dumped him right away (I was just pregnant and didn't appreciate his hyper party additude) The only thing Bert and I previously did was travel cross country, sing together, and do art work and somehow he got addicted to street drugs.

Well my son turned out. But he and I aren't "Normal," believe me.
Life is not a dress rehersal but it is fun, just make the effort and try not quitting, really put in effort one day at a time and with that and a little faith in a higher power all things are possible. Plus Honesty and Trust comming from within really have been the bigger help for my strongness.

[Maven]

Some people can handle raising a kid on his or her own, and raise kids with great mental and physical health, self esteem and overall well-being. Some people can't. Some people can raise great kids with a partner. Some can't.

You have to decide if you have the finances, and the ability to care for and provide what a child needs. It's also a good idea to look at your family and friends, because these are people who will be around your child, so you want to make sure they'll also be good role models, or at least respect your rules for your child. If all these things are strong, then you'll probably do fine.

Whatever you decide, I wish you and your child(ren) the best.

[valexand]

Thanks Maven and All,
I have really made up my mind to give it another 2 years. By 32 if I am still alone, I will not wait any longer. I'll go ahead with adoption or go with the sperm bank option. I do have the finances to support kids. I admit that I am scared of doing this. The truth is that I want to make a noisy home filled with happy voices of children. I feel that my parents will come around eventually to accept this but society around can be quite cruel. I am afraid of how my kids will feel knowing that I randomly picked them up from a sperm bank or that they do have an unknown father somewhere out there. Wierd how life can go. I never would have thought that my life would turn out like this.

[Maven]

I don't know a lot about sperm banks, but I don't think it's random. They give you a book that tells you the physical traits and other characteristics of the donor, and you select from that. I understand your concerns, but there are a lot of women who have babies through sperm banks, so your child wouldn't be the only one out there. And, of course, as you mentioned, there's also adoption. Every kid comes with issues to deal with. You just have to be able to deal with them and offer a lot of support. I think you can do that.

[jennie]

Life is funny . . . just when you figure out all the nook and crannies, Life changes things.

You sound like a loving person. I'm sure you'll have your family. Don't give up! It's never too late.

[alura]

Dear Valexand

30 is young, really young, most of my girlfriends who have had children have had them past the age of 36, at least 6 of them I can think of off the top of my head. If you menstruate regularly there is no real need to majorly panic, worry or hurry to have kids till you are 35.

A lot can happen in 5 years, your future could be entirely different in 5 years time.

I'm 33, I don't have kids but i'm not panicing yet.

The other thing to consider is having your eggs frozen, I know little about this, what it costs, what it entails but from the little I understand about it could offer you another option to have kids later perhaps with a partner you meet later, its just another area to investigate.

All I want to say is don't fret, there is plenty of time, ease yourself of the burden, even 32 leaves you plenty of time and options, the man of your dreams could be 18 months away.

Best wishes

xx

[LMo]

Good point about freezing the eggs, Alura. I am about to turn 37 and circumstances just weren't right to try for kids until now (and I'm still not sure they are right - but I'm *really* running out of time). The quality of our eggs does deteriorate as we age. Had I really thought it through, I would have had some harvested when I was in my 20's. Too late now, though.

Valexand, I do think you are young to be making a decision to have kids at 30, but if I weren't married, I'd be thinking the same thing right now. And, you have the advantage of less risk than I do, so therefore, I wouldn't fault you in the least if you decided to do it now, especially since you said you have the financial stability to do so.

GOod luck, whatever you decide!