[Kate King]

Let me preface this by saying that my marriage is in shambles. My husband and I have gone through several separations, seemingly endless marriage counseling, with little improvement. For religious reasons we are attempting to make it work. The religious thing is something I am working on with my therapist to get past.

With that said, during our last separation 2.5 years ago, I had an affair and also a one-night-stand. I ended up coming back to my husband and I was honest with him. I believe that this was one of the most foolish things I have done.

My dilemma is that I still wish and long to be with the guy with whom I had the affair. We were so compatible with each other and there was real chemistry between us both personality wise and sexually. This is something that I have never shared with my husband even when we were dating. The only reason I married him was because I felt pressured (single-handedly the most foolish thing I have done). I struggle with self-resentment for ending the affair and coming back to my husband.

Am I completely out of line? I am looking for honesty in responses. I believe I am wrong for feeling this way but I don't know what to do with it all. Please help!

[Rainbow123]

You're not out of line on who you love because people can't really help who they love. You're out of line for being less than honest with your husband and acting like you want to be with him.

[shezbut]

I'm sorry to hear about the turmoil you feel in your marriage.

Out of curiosity, if you feel religiously bound to your husband (which you're trying to work through in T), what makes you think that your self-resentment is related to you ending the affair that you had? I would Q whether your self-resentment is actually related to having the affair in the first place.

Do YOU believe in "til death do we part", or is it other people's beliefs that holds you back? If you don't believe, then I can imagine a lot of negative emotions mixed into the mix. If you do believe, then I think that you can let go of your feelings by relying upon your beliefs to help you get through the mess.

This perspective is based on the information that you provided above however. You didn't talk at all about your hub's behavior or attitude in life...whether he's been supportive or loving at all with you. Your hub's perspective and attitude certainly plays a large role in how successful your marriage can be too!

Don't know if I really answered your Q or not, but that's what I think.

Ok I apologize if this is random but...

Were you an affair for the other guy too or was he footloose and free?
It was foolish for being honest with your husband about the affair or for coming back to him? Or was it the one night stand that was foolish?
If you don't want to be with your H, or long to be with someone else, what amount of religion is going to fix that?
And this was 2.5 years ago? How do you know that the man you long to be with wants to be with you still?

Feel free to straighten me out if I misunderstood anything.

[Perna]

I believe feelings are neither right nor wrong. Only actions can turn out good or ill, be right for us or not. That you married when you do not believe you should have and still believe that, I don't think you can "fix" by staying married. I don't know how the person you had an affair with feels about you/now but I would work to get to a place where I was enjoying my life and being who I feel I should be, as honest with myself as I could be. If it took divorcing my husband I'd have to do that or feel a liar and like I was working upstream with no purpose.

[Trippin2.0]

Quite simply, I don't believe in being with someone for any other reason than "I want to"...

I know how complicated relationships can get, I know its not always cut and dry, but really, how can anyone or either spouse be truelly happy if 1 of them didn't want to be there in the first place? its not fair to either spouse, and you admitted you never wanted to get married to begin with. Doesn't sound like you've had a change of heart...

I don't believe in sacrificing my happiness for religion, kids or anyone. Its my responsibility to ensure I lead a happy life.

Yeah it was dumb admitting to the affair, because what did it accomplish except hurting you husband with the truth? Now on the other hand, if you confessed because you sought a way out... That would be understandable.

Idk I dont have any advice except to do some soul searching and find your happiness.

["Tilly may"]

If you dont really love him then you shouldnt be with him.

Everyone deserves to be loved and to have love in their life. Be with the person who you really want to be with. Dont stay with him because of religion or any one elses reasons.
Follow your heart.

Caution though. The guy you really like might turn out to let you down when you come back to him. Just be aware, you might lose them both.

[mitingas]

Originally Posted by Kate King

Let me preface this by saying that my marriage is in shambles. My husband and I have gone through several separations, seemingly endless marriage counseling, with little improvement. For religious reasons we are attempting to make it work. The religious thing is something I am working on with my therapist to get past.

With that said, during our last separation 2.5 years ago, I had an affair and also a one-night-stand. I ended up coming back to my husband and I was honest with him. I believe that this was one of the most foolish things I have done.

My dilemma is that I still wish and long to be with the guy with whom I had the affair. We were so compatible with each other and there was real chemistry between us both personality wise and sexually. This is something that I have never shared with my husband even when we were dating. The only reason I married him was because I felt pressured (single-handedly the most foolish thing I have done). I struggle with self-resentment for ending the affair and coming back to my husband.

Am I completely out of line? I am looking for honesty in responses. I believe I am wrong for feeling this way but I don't know what to do with it all. Please help!

I wouldn't be so open with your husband. Do not tell him that you never loved him, but tell him that you feel you must quit because it's not the same like it was.Be sincere but do not tell him everything there is no need to do that...

[Harley47]

Hi Kate.

Well, "in shambles" is a very broad and unspecific term, but it has a strong connotation to it. I'm very sorry your marriage isn't go well...I know how hard that must be.

I think you've a lot of courage for being honest with your husband, and I commend you for your dedication to your religious ideals. Truly, I do. But everything about this isn't healthy Kate...with the utmost respect and meaning no offense, you married him for the wrong reasons, and you're staying with him against your will. I don't know much about what's going on specifically in the relationship to make things so poor, and I don't wish to ask unless you're comfortable talking about it, but it seems, in the simplest of terms, that you are unhappy in your marriage, and marriage counseling has thus far failed.

As far as your affair goes, I'm not very well versed in the...etiquette, I suppose?...nor much of the legalities of separation, but by definition, you were separated, were you not? I know you're still legally (and spiritually, but I'll get back to the spiritual part) married at the time, but you were going through, I would imagine, a very rough patch, both maritally and emotionally. I would try to let it go Kate. You, based on your wording, weren't sure you were coming back at all (you "ended up" coming back to him. The connotation is that the outcome was, in some degree, contrary to expectation or unlikely), and you were as honest as you feasibly could be to him regarding the whole thing. It isn't beneficial or necessary for you to cling on to the guilt or resentment any longer.

As far as the religious thing goes, how do you mean that your therapist is working with you regarding it? I ask only to try to help us help you, as it isn't clear precisely what you mean initially. Anyway, while I am in no sort of position to speak in any position of authority for God, He wouldn't want you to suffer through an unhappy marriage Kate. He wants you to be happy...while I am aware what the literature on the subject says, I don't think God wishes for any of His children to suffer.

Please know you are in my prayers, and I hope things work out for the best.

Hugs,
Harley