Very disturbed brother is hostile toward me.

My brother vanishes for years at a time. He contacts family when he has some desperate need for . . . well, usually for money. He'll tell one family member some awful story about some other family member treating him terribly. The stories don't even sound that plausible. When we compare notes, we find that he is manufacturing woppers. He's in and out of jail . . . in and out of homelessness. It's very sad. He is an alcoholic for many years. He's violent. All his life, he's been hugely angry toward other people. His story is always that someone is victimizing him. He seems to take no responsibility for, in any way, causing his own difficulties. He actually seems to do better when he's locked up.

I've posted about him before because interacting with him has caused me a great deal of stress at times. Some few years ago, I offered to help him in any way, thinking that he might benefit from some prolonged support and planning not to get discouraged if it took a good while for him to get situated. He moves all around the country and gets into trouble, and then he just moves on. He came out to live near me, after I sent the money to get him out of jail. I knew he was disturbed, but I didn't realize how kind of hopeless he seems to be. Not long after he got to my part of the country, he was back in trouble with the law for violent disorderly behavior.

So for several years now, he has alternated between acting like I'm a friend he kind of values to acting like I'm the cause of a lot of his troubles. I sure wish I had a sister like me. I've hung in there with him longer than anyone else in the family has. After the latest few instances of him becoming bizarrely angry at me, some time passed, and then he called saying he was through with me forever. I've tried to tell myself that this will not be a bad thing for me. He's awful to be around . . . constantly belittling me. He's domineering and agressive. At times, he seems pathetically lonesome. I've really felt sorry for him. I thought that, in time, he would come to trust that I've meant him well.

That is not how it has played out. I'm sorry for whatever psychic trauma has him so hostile toward me (along with everyone else in the world that he deals with.) He just spews out hostility and tells incoherent stories about everyone, including me, having conspired against him. Usually, I've just ignored this behavior and stayed away from him, until he calms down and contacts me like nothing ever happened. I don't know if anyone reading this can even decipher what I'm describing. He's almost indescribable. One day, he'll be telling me he wants to buy me some expensive gift. Two weeks later he'll be accusing me of something horrible, and I can't even follow what he's accusing me of. Aside from the problems that typically occur in the life of heavy drinkers, he has a tendency to be very mean. (I've known alcoholics who weren't violent . . . weren't particularly mean.)

The best advice I've ever gotten about relating to him has come to me from Al Anon.

I don't know if anyone can follow this description, but he's practically impossible to relate to. The drinking is part of it. But there is a whole lot more to it than the drinking. He had some tendencies toward sadistic behavior even as a child. It's hard for me to even type that.

Given his pattern, it is entirely possible that I may just never hear from him again. He's always seemed very insecure and that has made me feel sorry for him. Now I feel more sorry for myself with how much I put in to helping him over the past few years and seeing him turn on me like he has. In time, I expect I'll get over the shock of his last communication with me. (Actually, it wasn't that big of a surprise.) I did get kind of shocked, but I've been through this before with him. My first feeling is: what is so wrong with me that he would treat me like this? Then I think that is how he eventually treats everyone. It's like he has no capacity for empathy. He knows I'm not in the best of health and having a rough time. He knows I'm really struggling. I guess what I mourn for is that I did think he was a better person than he is turning out to be. I have to let go of that illusion. Other family members have warned me for years about the futility and danger of being involved with him.

Thanks for any feedback anyone can give me. I seem to feel a great sense of failure on my part that I couldn't manage my interaction with him more successfully. Maybe that was hoping for the impossible. I called one of my sisters who told me that one of us will eventually hear from him again. She said that will happen when he needs something. She treated him with a great deal of kindness in the past. In return, he just spoke awful about her. We've taken turns over the years baling him out of jail . . . letting him live with us . . . sending him money. I've visited him in hospitals . . . in rehab. I've gone to court to be there for him. It's like all that counts for nothing. I'm surprised that - just out of self-interest - that he wouldn't make like he has some feelings for us. Instead, he goes out of his way to communicate contempt.

I asked him why he even bothered calling me to tell me he wanted nothing to do with me. It's a little like what I'ld expect from someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, only he is so profoundly dark and hostile.

Mainly, I just want to get over it and not get sucked into the craziness anymore. Writing this helped. Thanks for reading.

wow! you could be my sister! I had a brother very much like that! sadly he passed away in 2011. I do miss him and at times feel very guilty because our last words were in anger. I really don't have any advise for you except you must come first. you have to take care of yourself. I had high hopes of helping my brother. I am here for you.

Thanks to both of you above for reading my post on this sad situation.

Yes, I had hopes that got dashed. I'm not sorry that I tried. I'm just sorry it couldn't have worked out better. It is sad that our last words to each other were in anger. I feel bad that I lost my temper. It seems that if a relationship doesn't involve trying on the part of both people, then all that one person tries to do can not really come to anything. I guess time will heal the wound. It has before.

((Rose76))

Your brother's symptoms sound a lot like Antisocial Personality Disorder to me. My sister suffers the same, and the behavior fits to a T. Always has!

Antisocial Personality Disorder
By Psych Central Staff
Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a long-standing pattern of a disregard for other people's rights, often crossing the line and violating those rights. It usually begins in childhood or as a teen and continues into their adult lives.

Antisocial personality disorder is often referred to as psychopathy or sociopathy in popular culture.

Individuals with Antisocial Personality Disorder frequently lack empathy and tend to be callous, cynical, and contemptuous of the feelings, rights, and sufferings of others. They may have an inflated and arrogant self-appraisal (e.g., feel that ordinary work is beneath them or lack a realistic concern about their current problems or their future) and may be excessively opinionated, self-assured, or cocky. They may display a glib, superficial charm and can be quite voluble and verbally facile (e.g., using technical terms or jargon that might impress someone who is unfamiliar with the topic). Lack of empathy, inflated self-appraisal, and superficial charm are features that have been commonly included in traditional conceptions of psychopathy and may be particularly distinguishing of Antisocial Personality Disorder in prison or forensic settings where criminal, delinquent, or aggressive acts are likely to be nonspecific. These individuals may also be irresponsible and exploitative in their sexual relationships.

Symptoms of Antisocial Personality Disorder
Antisocial personality disorder is diagnosed when a person's pattern of antisocial behavior has occurred since age 15 (although only adults 18 years or older can be diagnosed with this disorder) and consists of the majority of these symptoms:

Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest
Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
Reckless disregard for safety of self or others
Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations
Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another
As with all personality disorders, the person must be at least 18 years old before they can be diagnosed with it. There should also be evidence of Conduct Disorder in the individual as a child, whether or not it was ever formally diagnosed by a professional.

Antisocial personality disorder is more prevalent in males (3 percent) versus females (1 percent) in the general population.

Like most personality disorders, antisocial personality disorder typically will decrease in intensity with age, with many people experiencing few of the most extreme symptoms by the time they are in the 40s or 50s.

How is Antisocial Personality Disorder Diagnosed?
Personality disorders such as antisocial personality disorder are typically diagnosed by a trained mental health professional, such as a psychologist or psychiatrist. Family physicians and general practitioners are generally not trained or well-equipped to make this type of psychological diagnosis. So while you can initially consult a family physician about this problem, they should refer you to a mental health professional for diagnosis and treatment. There are no laboratory, blood or genetic tests that are used to diagnose antisocial personality disorder.

Many people with antisocial personality disorder don't seek out treatment. People with personality disorders, in general, do not often seek out treatment until the disorder starts to significantly interfere or otherwise impact a person's life. This most often happens when a person's coping resources are stretched too thin to deal with stress or other life events.

A diagnosis for antisocial personality disorder is made by a mental health professional comparing your symptoms and life history with those listed here. They will make a determination whether your symptoms meet the criteria necessary for a personality disorder diagnosis.

Causes of Antisocial Personality Disorder
Researchers today don't know what causes antisocial personality disorder. There are many theories, however, about the possible causes of antisocial personality disorder. Most professionals subscribe to a biopsychosocial model of causation -- that is, the causes of are likely due to biological and genetic factors, social factors (such as how a person interacts in their early development with their family and friends and other children), and psychological factors (the individual's personality and temperament, shaped by their environment and learned coping skills to deal with stress). This suggests that no single factor is responsible -- rather, it is the complex and likely intertwined nature of all three factors that are important. If a person has this personality disorder, research suggests that there is a slightly increased risk for this disorder to be "passed down" to their children.

Treatment of Antisocial Personality Disorder
Treatment of antisocial personality disorder typically involves long-term psychotherapy with a therapist that has experience in treating this kind of personality disorder. Medications may also be prescribed to help with specific troubling and debilitating symptoms. For more information about treatment, please see antisocial personality disorder treatment.



Reference
American Psychiatric Association. (1994). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fourth edition. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.

Antisocial personality disorder: Treatments and drugs - MayoClinic.com

It is a very challenging illness indeed! I have lots of personal experience with this topic, since I was always weak to my sister. I have just had to remove myself from her, for the past couple of years, to protect myself. I no longer have the finances for her to fall back upon ~ but Janet finds ways to take whatever she can get!

Wow shez. I had thought it would be too heavy duty a label to put on him. But I ask myself this: Am I waiting for him to actually murder someone before I accept that he is that pathological? He has voiced murderous thought about people . . . dark stuff. He told me once, "I don't need a suicide hot-line. I need a homicide hot-line."

Just about everything up there in your post fits him. Thank you for putting that here in my thread where I've really looked at it. I don't know that I can even find anything there that doesn't fit him. How I managed to cover so much of that over and entertain illusions about him . . . Relatives had warned me. My parents cautioned me years ago against becoming over-involved with him. After they were both gone, I felt an even stronger need to reach out to him. I used to cry about once a month, or so, wondering if he were still alive.

He did cruel things as a child. Adults did not trust him to be near money. I used to protest that they were unfairly labeling him. They were seeing a pattern and reading it, while I was making him be - in my mind - what I wanted him to be.

I have a long pattern of offering myself up for exploitation to people whose interest in me has a dubious basis. This past week, it seems like I'm seeing that more clearly than ever . . . in regards to him . . . and others. I feel like I've wasted my life . . . well, a lot of it. I thought I was being the good person . . . helping needy folks who came my way. I was an awful fool . . . and there is nothing virtuous about it . . . and the cost to me in having misspent my attention and resources is very high. I have aloneness stretched out before me, and I am very uncared about. I shouldn't have lived so as to end up like this. No one held a gun to my head. I did it all willingly.

My S/O of over 25 years is, basically, a more benign version of my bother. It's been a heart-breaking relationship. I am broken now. My spirit feels broken.

I thought that, if you cared about someone, the caring would come back. It's not that way. You can be drained and left discarded. I should have known better.

Like you, I will remove myself from my brother's reach, though he probably has already taken care of that, himself. He sees that I have a small income now. Not much in it for him anymore. I envisioned him being a help to me, as I am getting older.

I have lost all faith in life . . . in myself. I am very depressed.

Sorry for all this self-pity.

Don't loose faith in life. Your brother is probably mentally ill with a severe drinking problem. It's NOT your fault!!

Sounds like you tried to love him and include him in your life. Sounds like everyone else wrote him off years ago. Don't feel bad about the fact that you tried to love him.

Unless your brother seeks help for himself he may not change. Something you'll have to accept as fact.

Hugs!!

Rose ~ Gosh. I have one of these brothers. We both totally got ripped off! I am always so amazed when people have good brother stories! I wanted to have one of those...
So sad. He has caused so much pain. I haven't seen him & never want to again. The last time I did he tried to run me over with his truck, said he wanted to get me out of the way. Said he was summoning an army of demons to do battle. I think he did. He tried to kill my mother. Very long, bad story I won't bore you with. Very scary dude.
And the scariest part is he hung out at our Church! Everyone believes he is this wise, homeless, kindhearted guy who had a mean family. I tried to talk to the priest but he wouldn't help me. (I am a tiny, soft spoken lady, non threatening) When I took him to court for Elder Abuse, the Judge recused himself because he knew my brother from church! My mom & I nearly fainted in court. It was awful.

She is finally at peace, went to heaven last year. Just know that there are some of us who actually do understand. I'm so sorry you have this going on.

I finally figured out that when we were kids, mental illness was just not talked about. Ever. And my brother needed help, but my parents couldn't face that.
So they sent him to boys scout camps & summer camps and anything they could to keep him busy & "out of trouble." (I was the good one so I got no fun camps out of this deal.) Oh well.
But no one helped him. Didn't know they could. It was the times I guess.

If my family stayed silent, I can only imagine the millions of others who suffer in silence still. I wish I had been able to unmask the bad, as it was happening.

Hindsight is only hindsight now. Times are different. Look at all the info Shez had! Awesome...

In the meantime, he stole our parents estate, all of it, badmouthed me to all the relatives to cover his tracks and I am on my own. I only know what I know. I don't have the strength to do anything but try to find some peace.

I hope you are getting help & support for being a caregiver. That concerns me a lot. Don't hesitate to try to find help/support in your area. I can only send good thoughts & prayers in your direction.

NW12, thank you for understanding. It is very healing to have pain understood. To be treated in a hard-hearted way by someone you've loved is awful. I am sorry for whatever pain has driven him to be as he is. He says he didn't get treated well enough by our parents. My father was hard on him . . . but he also tried repeatedly to help him. My father was hard on everyone he knew, at one time or another. He was hard on me from time to time. But I saw my father as a complex human being. There were things I didn't admire about him, and there were many things I did. My brother reduces everyone to some sort of a cartoon villain.

My parents grew to be afraid of him. I kept minimizing the importance of all the evidence that he was heartless. Yes, every human being does have a heart, but it can get rusted up with lack of use to try and understand the concerns and needs of others. My brother and I grew up in a time when, if anything was wrong with you, it was supposed to be your parents' fault. He and I both bought into that, and I am sorry that I reinforced some of his blaming. I outgrew that kind of thinking. I became grateful for the struggle my parents put into raising us. I told my father that repeatedly at the end of his life. My brother seems to be incapable of feeling gratitude toward anyone for anything. Over the years, I acted in kind and thoughtful ways toward him on a number of occasions when I thought he was having a hard time. I thought it was odd that he never acknowledged my gestures. Now I know that was a warning. It meant that "Nothing that anyone ever does for me is enough." I would even send him a written apology, if I thought some thoughtless remark I made had upset him.

He seemed to be always trying to provoke me with insulting remarks. I would just pay no attention. That was a mistake. When someone is blatantly disrespectful, they should be immediately called on it in clear terms. I will adopt that policy. I had been afraid that I would alienate him by doing that. I was surrendering my own right to be treated with some regard for my dignity as a human being. That was foolish of me. I thought I was acting mature, but I was enabling his sickness.

Here is the weird thing. I kind of believe that what has made him so angry is his failure to be able to get a reaction from his constant button pushing. I think this latest thing he did is basically more button pushing.

NWgirl, unlike your brother, mine is unable to convince anyone in the whole world that he is an okay person. I tried to convince myself of that. Everyone gently told me over the past few years that I was having my trust abused. Here is another difference. My parents left him nothing of what they had. My sister, who inherited most, has felt so bad about that that she sends him money regularly out of what she inherited. I think he might have hit the jackpot in the "sister" department. It seems to do him little good, though. He makes himself so unhappy, living with all his bitterness.

One of his lawyers told me that "he will eventually meet a more vicious version of himself, and the law of the streets will deal with him." I thought that was a chilling thing to hear and inappropriate of the lawyer. Now, I kind of appreciate the lawyer being that frank with me. I turn all this over in my mind.

I would like to find some support in my area. The Mayo Clinic link, above, encourages that also.