[desirae]

Please tell me your stories, and how you did it? I need advice and strength from you women who have done this and succeeded. I'm on my own here, and will not receive much help, so it's you I'm seeking advice from.

((((Desirae)))) I don't have that experience but you're looking at a major life change and I wish you good luck. It's very hard to take such a huge step. I hope you know for sure, in your heart of hearts, that it's the right move to make for yourself right now and I hope you succeed with your trying to start a new life and I also hope that any path you choose brings you lots of happiness.

[wi_fighter]

Go to a women's shelter. They'll fill you in on your rights, so when he starts threatening you with taking away your kids, etc., you'll know he's just blowing smoke and won't cave to his demands (or will be less likely to). I didn't know about shelters, or I would have driven myself to one the night he left me with the kids in a public building and told me not to come home.

When you're ready to get out, get out. Don't tell him you're leaving and then wait around until you get everything in place. That only sets you up for more abuse.

Know that there are a lot of women who have been where you are and have gone on to have a better life without their abuser in it.

[desirae]

http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/
This is the link to the website I just visited that I checked out. According to this site, yes I'm abused emotionally and physically.

I'm not ready for this huge change, but who ever is?!? I have to leave this place, or I will die, seriously. It's either leave him, or die....because I can't live like this anymore.

My heart is broken, and he has no heart, I've looked deep and beyond depth for far to long, it's time for me to stop looking, and do something for myself. I want to live, I want to be happy, I want to be free, and I want to offer my children the best possible situation I can give them in this situation.

[bebop]

I too would call a shelter in cases of abuse. It only gets worse. They know all the resources available for you to use.

pm if you need me hon

[desirae]

Wi- yes, I'm definitely not going to tell him, he'll most likely stop me from getting my money. He'd probably take my mail box key or something.

I'm not exactly sure of my plans, but I think I'm going to jet off to my sisters house in D.C. I'd just stay there till I found a place, I'd already have first months rent and deposit. I don't want to go to a shelter, mainly because I'm about to start class, and a new job (hopefully). I'm just going to pretend everything is as normal, and the day I get my student loan leave. It will shock him, but I won't stop for nothing. I'm hoping after I leave he will gain some sort of happiness as well for him.....if not he can live as a miserable %#@&#! for the rest of his life for all I care....because I will be happy.

[h0kie]

I haven't been in your shoes, however...

If you don't have one already, get a bank account with your name (and your name only) on it asap. Money in joint accounts has a funny way of disappearing. Put whatever money you have or get in that account where he cannot touch it.

(((((Desirae))))) I didn't know there was abuse involved.

[wi_fighter]

Des, you don't have to stay at the shelter if you don't want to. You can go and talk to the advocates and they can give you information about your rights. For instance, if your husband was physically abusing you and you managed to escape, but without your kids, they'd tell you that that doesn't mean you can't get your kids back. Things like that. If nothing else, go for peace of mind and to find out what not to do.

[almostangela]

Speaking from experience. I want you to remember two things. He is a coward (because only cowards treat loved ones like dirt) and cowards will resort to lying and questionable tactics. The other thing is, you are not a coward so do not give in to manipulation. One day, you will understand why I say this.

My first advise is go to a bank and get a bank account in your name and have any statements go to a friend or family who will keep it a secret. Start putting money away. Go to a woman's shelter and make your fears known. If he is not hitting you, there is no physical evidence and you need something incase he threatens you or tries to take the kids. Stay calm, especially infront of the kids. Do not tell him you are leaving when you are alone or with just the kids. Remember, he is not going to want to lose you (for selfish reasons) and may try to manipulate you to stay. If he stalks you, report it immediately. Use a counsellor if you need to mediate or just for yourself. Who knows, maybe your marraige could be saved?! See your doctor because this will cause a lot of stress. Cry because this will be scarey terrain for you, but know that you are not alone and you will get through this. Listen to well meaning friends and family, but decide for yourself because your choice is the right one. Get mad because this shouldn't happen to such a wonderful person as you. Forgive yourself because this isn't your fault. Know that things will get better and you will smile brightly once more.

As you go through this, keep your thoughts to yourself when you are with him, but tell all to your confidants. Friends may not understand, but they want to be there for you and talking is the best way to release your fears and work through this.

Life will be fine again, and we are here for you

I got out by way of domestic violence agencies and crisis center agencies. They are nation wide and they don't force people to leave. They offer counseling and help in understanding the laws, and the inside scoop on abuse and how to get out when you are ready.

When and if their clients are ready they help them plan how to do it safely and have relocation shelters kind of like an under ground railroad. No one knows where the shelters are until they are in the leaving process. Some times depending on the persons situation they will move them a town or two away from the abuse and other times they will move their cleints to complete other states.

When children are involved they help with the custody hearings and so on..

[jennie]

Check out this Personal Safety Plan.
an excerpt from that page linked above:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Step 2. Safety when getting ready to leave.

I can use the following strategies:

a. I will leave money and an extra set of keys with___________________________________________.

b. I will keep important documents and keys at_______________________________________________________.

c. I will open a savings account by this date___________________________________ to increase my independence.

d. Other things I can do to increase my independence are:_______________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________

e. The domestic violence hotline is _____________________.

f. The shelter's hotline is _________________________.

g. I will keep change for phone calls with me at ALL times. I know that if I use a telephone credit card, that the following month the telephone bill will tell the batterer who I called after I left. I will keep this information confidential by using a prepaid phone card, using a friend's telephone card, calling collect, or using change.

h. I will check with_________________________ and ______________________ to know who will let me stay with them or who will lend me money.

i. I can leave extra clothes with___________________________.

j. I will review my safety plan every ___________________(time frame) in order to plan the safest route. I will review the plan with ______________________________ (a friend, counselor or advocate.)

k. I will rehearse the escape plan and practice it with my children.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[seeker1950]

I waited till my daughter left for college, and I shortly moved out to a ratty furnished trailer thereafter. By then, I had my own job and means of support. Money was a big issue as well as custody of our one daughter, being threatened with taking her from me and putting me "out in the street" if I tried to leave. I was never physically abused, however, so I stayed till custody was not an issue, as well as having a good job as a teacher. If you are physically abused, or even mentally, I say go to a shelter, as others here have suggested.
Patty

[katheryn]

good luck in the path you decide it sounds like ppl here have offered you lots of advice, but only you can decide, again good luck

[jennie]

Dr. Irene tips:

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
<font size=+1>Victims planning to leave their abuser typically have few resources, are frightened, intimidated and feel guilty. Here are some general tips for those planning to leave.

* Read Gavin De Becker's The Gift of Fear

* Get support. Whenever possible, enlist the help and support of family and friends.

* Plan ahead: Do whatever you have to do to build up a nest egg. You deserve no less.

* Have a place to live lined up.

* Guilt tying your hands? Drop the guilt for once and for all - and forever! Guilt is irrational, keeps you manipulated, serves no good purpose, and is self-destructive. It is your job to take care of yourself! Dumping guilt is your first lesson!

* Stop being an open book. You don't owe your abuser explanations! (Do you get explanations?) You are an adult; start acting like one.

* If you fear for your safety, call the authorities to help. It is illegal to block your exit! They can escort you out and put you in touch with shelters, if necessary.

* Contact your attorney or State authorities to find out your rights, responsibilities, and options. Knowledge is power!

* Warning your abuser that the moving truck will come by 9 am Saturday morning is not usually a good idea. If you are serious about getting out, you are better off avoiding a confrontation by leaving without notice and when the abuser is out of the house.

* You possessions are less important than you are.

* Leave no forwarding address. Get an unlisted phone no. Change your email address.

* Advise your employer of the situation and have your abuser turned away & phone calls blocked.

* Telephone harassment is illegal as well. Ask police and/or telephone personnel what your options are.

* Get an order of protection if you need one. If you've ever been hit, you need one. If you've been threatened, you need one. If your property has been damaged, you need one. Call your local police station if you're not sure.

* Look in your local Yellow Pages. Look for domestic violence groups usually listed in the Government sections.

* Get caller ID.

* If your abuser calls, don't answer - or hang up. If the phone rings again, hang up again. And again.

* Do not talk to your abuser if you don't want to or if you feel you will weaken. Give yourself time to see things more clearly before you communicate.

* Get emotional help. Join a support group; call a therapist.

* Open your mouth. Don't protect your abuser's ugly secret. Tell the world what was done to you and why you left.

* Document, document, document.

* Keep any incriminating letters, messages on your phone machine, and save emails, etc.

* Never, ever, ever hide physical abuse. If you have bruises, call the police to document your wounds. Likewise with your family doctor.

* Remember that your abuser thrives on intimidation. Most abusers will fold once you stand up to them.

* Remember that your abuser uses your empathy and guilt against you to manipulate you. Get mad, not guilty!

* Get your backing in place before you make your stand (authorities, finances, emotional stuff etc.).

* Never forget: without treatment, abuse will get worse, not better...
</font>
Note:
Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and
must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from
your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos Copyright© 2000. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[almostangela]

excellent post jennie!

[nothemama8]

Des, don't forget to get a PFA on him, Protection From Abuse, you'll need this documentation