[Amelie81]

This is my first post here, I'm having a really hard time accepting the possibility that I will be single forever because of my extreme shyness. I'm 25 years old, I've only been in 2 relationships, I'm at the point where I would like to meet someone, but due to my social anxiety, I'm having a difficult time. I also think I'm below average in the looks department...I'm not overweight, but I'm not pretty, which concerns me more than it should I suppose. I've been considering getting a nose job because guys are just not attracted to me, and because of my inability to socialize, I will undoubtedly end up alone unless I change soon.

My dad set me up with this guy that interned at the company he works at. I have been e-mailing this guy back and forth for a couple of weeks, and I just met him today for lunch, and I'm totally embarrassed because I feel so inferior...I felt like I was too quiet, I was stumbling over my words, and he was so articulate and good looking, I'm humiliated because he probably thinks I'm a loser. I pretty much have no life, I don't go out that much, not to mention he was probably disappointed about the way I look, he didn't compliment me once. It's just that I'm not that social, I never have been, but because I am so insecure about the way I look, it's hard for me to be comfortable around people.

I just really liked this guy, and I'm depressed because I know he probably has no interest in seeing me again...I don't know how to deal with this, it's like I can't stop crying because I want a relationship so badly, but it seems impossible for me to be comfortable meeting new people, and my insecurities continue to get worse. I just really wish I had someone to talk to about this, I feel so hopeless.

[seeker1950]

Hi, Amelie and welcome!
I can identify with your feelings of social anxiety. But about this fella you just met....I don't like the fact that he didn't compliment you even once! I recently met a fella who behaved the same way although I complimented him several times. I also felt the same as you, but I also I also realized HEY, I don't want to pursue a relationship with such a nonresponsive cold fish! I was married to a man who never once told me I was pretty in 20 years of marriage. There are some people who just don't give compliments!
Because you don't date much, you are probably placing too much importance on this one date you just had. Also, the fact that your dad introduced you to this fella may have made it seem more important.
You sound like a beautiful person! Try not to fret over this one date and be kind to yourself.
Patty

I think you're pretty Amelie. I'm sure you did fine with the guy you met and the worst he thinks of you is that you're a little shy which really isn't a bad thing. Someone being shy can be flattering and charming.
(((((Amelie)))))

[seeker1950]

Amelie...you're gorgeous!!! I just looked at your pics!

[Liv28]

((((((AMELIE)))))) I saw you post and my first initial response is that I wanted to ask you...Do you have anything POSITIVE to say about yourself? Obviously the way people perceive themselves is the way others will look at them..say that I am a nobody but I have the confidence that alludes this air about me that says I am somebody important..you better believe that people are going to believe that I am somebody important..its how you believe in yourself..how you present yourself..
I know this is easier said than done..I used to be extremely extremely shy..I really did..I walked around with my eyes on the ground..my shoulders slumped..my voice barely audible..now if you new me..I am wild cat!! Its achievable..and you don't have to be beautiful and skinny and famous..and all that jazz to do what you are asking..you simply need to believe in yourself..you simply need to start saying..I can..and I do..and I will..instead..of I can't..and I don't..and I won't..or I will never..Like you did in your post! just tell me five good things about yourself..things that make you stand out..just five things..
You have focused for so long on what you don't have and what you see every one else having..or what you THINK they have..the truth is..everyone has insecurities of some sort..some are just better at covering them than others..I hope I helped a little..and not confused you..and if you ever need to talk you can PM me..Good Luck! Keep your head up and Positive thoughts flowing!

[Amelie81]

Hi Patty, I'm really glad I found this site, I was such a wreck when that date ended, I really needed to vent in order to put things in perspective. You're right, some people just don't give compliments....some give too many and end up sounding phony, but one "you look nice" would have put me at ease, since I am so self-conscious.

I guess I really liked him and I wish that he liked me, but since he didn't ask me out again I guess I should just forget about it.

I actually ended up e-mailing him after the date just to tell him it was nice meeting him. I also told him I hoped I wasn't too quiet, but I tend to get shy around new people.

I felt better after e-mailing him, then I went running to try to calm down a bit. Thanks for your reply!

[Amelie81]

Thanks Jax, I'm actually really surprised to have gotten such positive responses! I appreciate that.

I hope that he found me to be charming, I tend to assume the worst...I was so nervous the whole time, it's hard to tell if he could tell I was freaking out inside or if he just thought I was a bit shy. I suppose time will tell.

[seeker1950]

I also think a bit shy is preferable to talking too much or being too forward.
Off the subject a bit. ...wasn't there a charming foreign film called "Amelie." about a shy girl who finds her true love in spite of and even because of her shyness?

[Amelie81]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
say that I am a nobody but I have the confidence that alludes this air about me that says I am somebody important..you better believe that people are going to believe that I am somebody important..its how you believe in yourself

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I totally agree and understand everything you are saying, it makes a lot of sense. I just spend so much time by myself these days, it's hard to see anything positive about who I am. I have seen therapists about my lack of self-confidence, I have tried to work things out, but I was never ready to really change. Negative thoughts are so natural for me and I've had a lot of practice at making my negativity my own reality.

This is why dating is so hard for me...it was hard when I had a bf, and it's hard now that I'm single.

So when you say you used to be shy, do you remember when/why you stopped? I am exactly how you describe...eyes down, shoulders slumped (I'm trying to work on that), quiet mumbling voice. It's hard for me to commit to saying anything with certitude. I know THAT is unattractive, but I'm unsure how to change it because my negative thoughts are so pervasive.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
You have focused for so long on what you don't have and what you see every one else having..or what you THINK they have

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That is very true, but it's so automatic that I don't know that I'm doing it! It does seem like most girls my age have no problem finding significant others. I also always feel like everyone is more attractive and more social/outgoing, and I wonder how they do it. I suppose it's all perception...we create our own reality. I really want to create a more positive one...I'll work on things I like about myself. I think that is one way to start. Thanks Liv

[Amelie81]

Seeker,

Amelie is a french movie, exactly as you described! It's definitely one of my favorite movies and one that I can relate to. I actually feel like watching it tonight, it always cheers me up.

Have you seen it?

[seeker1950]

Yes!!! I love good foreign films and just happened to watch Amelie the other evening. Love it!
Patty

[Lexicon78]

(((((Amelie)))))

Hang in there!

[9874]

Amelie, welcome aboard!

If you ask me, beauty is something that radiates from within. I don't give a hoot about external looks, as it's the beauty within that really matters in the end.
In my humble opinion, doing a nose job for the wrong reasons (such as appearing more physically attractive to a prospective partner) will probably get you the wrong person. Well, actually, maybe for you it would be the right person. Here's what I mean: you'll attract a guy who appreciates you for your external beauty. If that's what you want, fine. But if what you want is a partner who values you for your internal beauty, you'll attract such a person without having to go through the nose job.
I used to be so socially inept, so I can relate to some of your social difficulties. I've found that being in therapy, where I was actually taken seriously, where someone had a genuine interest in me and my internal and external life, it boosted my self-esteem. Not to mention all the work we did through the years. Still, the relationship with my T was therapeutic in itself. So perhaps you'd consider a trial of therapy.

Wishing you the best of luck!
Take good care,

[DaveyJones]

Hi, Amalie!

I just read your post, and I just wanted to say that I understand where you're coming from...I have spent most of my life feeling unattractive and shy for one reason or another. I know how it is to want to say something...ANYTHING...but you just can't because you're afraid you'll sound like an idiot. Spending time by myself just makes me go over these feelings, over and over again...no good.

You have so much going for you, though...you're young, pretty and you have that little spark in your eyes...you seem to have a gentle, intelligent spirit, and I bet you can be a lot of fun when you want to!

Why don't you start going out with friends....don't put any expectations on yourself, just have fun. Before you know it you'll be beatin' 'em off with a stick!

~Smiles~
DJ

[Amelie81]

9874, thank you for your thoughtful reply. You make a really good point about attracting a guy based solely on looks...not something I want.

But what if your looks deter men from trying to get to know you? Certainly attraction plays a role initially, then a person gets to know you and like you for who you are. But if they are not at all attracted to me, they won't even consider getting to know me will they?

It's only natural for people to want to be attracted to their significant other, so I just think perhaps surgery would improve my appearance enough to get me in the door, so to speak.

I'm also very open to therapy, and I'm definitely considering trying it again. It's hard finding a therapist I'm comfortable with, but it's worth a try.

[Amelie81]

Hi DJ, thanks for your thoughts. I think my isolation has intensified my insecurities in some ways...I have a lot more time to ruminate about my flaws.

Going out with friends is hard for me too, especially going into bar settings, I'm always disappointed when guys don't hit on me or they just ignore me all together. You are 100% right, the only way to get over my insecurities is to go out with people and try to preoccupy myself, leaving less time to beat up on myself.

[Liv28]

Amelie,

It took me a LONG time to come out of my shell..a lot of practice and a lot of patience..but it was the simple fact that I was sick of being in everyones shadows..the fact that I was sick of feeling like a nobody..if I was or if I wasn't..I FELT like I was..and I was determined to change that. How..well..to be honest..its a long story..and I don't want to hijack your post..but it is possible and there is hope..BUT..there also is not anything wrong with being who you are...as long as you like who you are..I just didn't..and obviously you don't either..
One thing I do want to mention is that I think you are trying TOO hard..you are sweet, pretty (I saw your pics too), sincere, caring, and soulfull woman..you are trying to hard to make a man come to you..its almost as if you think you must HAVE a man to be normal..does that sound right? I know you want a man..who doesn't..I always did..but once I found my self confidence..I loved being independant too..when you stop looking..and learn to just have fun with life..men are going to come flocking..

[wi_fighter]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Amelie81 said:
I've been considering getting a nose job because guys are just not attracted to me, and because of my inability to socialize, I will undoubtedly end up alone unless I change soon.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

The more I've been thinking of this, the more disturbed I've become. You seem to have a really distorted image of yourself. Unless you have a facial profile like Barbra Streisand, I can't see what's wrong with your nose at all. It's not wide or bulbous or hanging down or crooked looking (look at my picture again, the doctor turned a large symmetrical nose into a not much smaller crooked nose). And, no, you don't want a nose like mine.

Getting your nose surgically altered isn't going to suddenly make your life perfect. How do you know it's your nose that guys aren't attracted to? Perhaps it's the signals you send out. If you're shy and standoffish, that could be what's making you unapproachable. Attitude has a lot to do with being attractive.

In my honest opinion, I think you should seek therapy before you do anything so drastic as having surgery.

[DaveyJones]

Hi again, Amalie!

I understand how hard it is to go out when you feel worthless...it is one of the things that has helped me continue treatment for my condition. I remember one night when I turned down an invitation from a friend to go hang with him and his band, and sit in (play) some (I used to be a professional musician). When it was time to go, though, I just sat in my chair...I was paralysed! Now, there are very few things I would rather do than have a few beers and play the blues, but I just couldn't!

So, I keep plugging along, going to support groups, doctors, therapists, you name it! Things will never be like they used to be for me, but I'm about to the point where I can begin to do social activities again. So, there's hope for me yet, and for you, too!

You might also think about doing some things in a less threatening environment than a bar (NOT a good place for the insecure, as you have found). I don't what is available where you live, but try community activities, church, volunteering, that sort of thing. Volunteering is particularly good, you wind up feeling great about yourself even if no one is hitting on you. I realize all those things probably sound cheezy...but they can be much more affirming than hanging in bars trying to get picked up (I know, I wasted too many decades doing that)!

Smile!
DJ