[Evil Schnoodle]

Hello everyone. It has been over a year since I've been in these forums, but I'm thankful I remembered them today. I am looking for the support and advice of people who can be objective and honest. I am open to criticism...as this is how we grow..

My dilemma: I have a very close friend who I often confide to about my marital concerns and life in general. We work together, are in a band, hike together...etc. He can be very supportive, but can also be a bit abrasive at times. We had plans for this coming weekend that involved other people. When I let him know my wife wanted to join us, he made excuses. I confronted him via text and learned he is no longer inviting me because he does not like my wife and does not like us being together.

Back story: I have been in a relationship for almost four years, now a marriage. My wife is from am alcoholic family where there is near constant drama with someone - getting DWIs, medical issues, divorce, CPS investigations, etc. My wife is the most functional person in her family....but has chronic medical issues and erratic moods. She often misses work due to various illnesses...some of which are very real..some which make many people question if there is a psychological part of her illness. She is also a good person, though. Nevertheless, I often feel regret. We do not share any real activities together. Due to her illnesses, she often sleeps right after work and I care for her children. I initiate the cooking, cleaning, and house work. I do all the shopping, etc. I have set boundaries and things are a little better than they were...but I feel miserable. Yet. at the same time, I am protective to her and feel a sense of duty. I worry about her children...who are middle school aged. The kids and I have a good relationship. But given the craziness of my wife's family and that their father vacillates between a great guy and a drunk...I feel for them and try to be a good step dad. Yet, I am miserable and dream of a partner who gives me as much as I give. Somebody who is motivated, caring, and can share the delicacies of life with me. A true partner. Instead, I feel lonely and often sad. My wife and I used to have much more heated arguments...but these have dies down lately. I just feel life is passing me by...yet I made a commitment to her "in sickness and in health" that I believe in.

I have confided over time with my close friends, and my mother. They are unanimous in that they do not like how she treats me. The friend I write about has told me "she doesn't bring out the best in you...she doesn't support all of the good things that make you who you are".

As you can see, I am ambivalent - stuck between a support system (one close friend at this moment) who does not agree with my relationship...one that I also question. Yet, it feels horrible that this friend would exclude me from a social event we planned together....because my wife wants to go. She will not cause a scene or anything...but I think he is concerned she will "suck the life" out of the gathering by either making us leave early or generally being negative and not fun to be around. To be honest, I think "I" would have more fun without her too..although it sounds horrible to say. But it angers me that my close friend would specifically exclude her. I would not do this to him even if I didn't like his wife.

Thank you all...I need the view of impartial people...am I being a jerk or a pushover? Should I write my friend off...or consider this yet another reason to move on from my marriage. Big questions....

Schnoodle, If this is something that you both planned then why do you need his "invitation"? was it planned at his house or something?

[Evil Schnoodle]

Thank you. Yes. It started with me buying several tickets for us to a local concert. My wife did not want to go to that. Then our local team made the NCAA final four. We decided to lose the money on the tickets and watch the game instead. The conflict came up when I stated that my wife now wanted to join us to watch the game...what house should we go to? His response later was that he was just going to watch it with his wife at home. "If it was just you that would be ok...but I don't want your wife seeing me watch the game...I get excited". I've been to many games with him and his wife before with a previous relationship. We went on trips together...celebrated holidays, etc. So I confronted him...and he said that yes, it was because he has problems with our relationship....

Well Schnoodle... I guess you can't "make" a friend want to spend time with you and your wife. Your local team making it to the final four is a big deal and its a shame to not celebrate it together but it is your friend's choice.

Now you have a choice. How do you want to celebrate watching your team? Do you have other people you and your wife would both enjoy watching it with? Or could you and your wife go to the local sports bar to watch? Is your wife a big fan or was she just going to socialize?

[hamster-bamster]

I have been in a similar situation.

I was in the process of breaking up with the first H, who did not quite treat me well. For a short period of time, we lived with the parents - he with his and I with mine.

We had a mutual friend, a guy. More of my friend than his friend, but still, mutual.

The friend was getting married.

He called me to invite me to the wedding. He said:

“I want to invite you to the wedding.

I do not want to invite (name of first H). I do not want to see (name of first H). I think that (name of first H) has mistreated you, and out of my feelings of loyalty to you, I do not want to see him. However, if you insist, I will invite him, solely for you – I want to give you that choice.”

I went to the wedding alone.

But he gave me the choice.

So he gave me the choice even though first H and I were not living together. Since you and your W live together, I think it behooves your friend to give you the choice EVEN MORE.

Can you communicate that to him somehow?

[Evil Schnoodle]

Thanks. I like the practical response. Yes...we already have plans with another couple to watch the game...and know he has the right to make his own choices about who he wants to spend time with.

My conflict is that this is the first time anyone close to me ever stated that "you are welcome...but not you and your wife". I can;t image doing this to anyone I care about...i would just accept it, deal with it...and probably complain later, but I would respect my friend. Is this wrong?

On the other hand...this situation highlights for me the internal conflict that I have about my marriage. I had doubts all along...but always told myself things would get better soon...if we just went to counseling...if I just learn to listen better...if I...if I....

Reading this...it sounds like I am whining...but this is a conflict for me: I am 41, have been in several long-term relationships, and have no family close by. I like our home and dogs, I like my step-children....but I struggle, selfishly or not, with my marriage.

The more I think of it the REAL issue at hand is....I have been ambivalent about my marriage due to how I am treated vs. my commitment vs. my feeling that I am married to the wrong person. My friend , who has listened to me vent for countless hours, is finally making a public stand that he does not like her and I am forced to deal with the consequence.

The real issue is about my own conflicts about my marriage....

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Wow! That is truly a difficult situation. From what I can gather, it's a lopsided relationship with you giving more than she is. (you do the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc). That can often lead to resentment, which sounds like what is happening. Then there are the issues of her not necessarily being enjoyable to be around. Your description of her sucking the life out of an event was a perfect word picture.

Yet, you have married her and are helping to raise young children together, which is a significant commitment.

So, these are the things that come to mind.

You can ask/strongly recommend that she get couseling. If you think she might be resistant, you can make your appeal based on the fact that she has such a challenging family and you want her to learn how to deal with them better. You hate seeing her so upset by their actions/antics, etc. The therapy may indeed help with that aspect of her life, which would probably translate into a better mood, and a good T would also look at other aspects of her life including your marriage.

You can suggest that you both go for marital counseling.

You can resign yourself to the fact that she is a less than perfect wife and focus on her good qualities, while ignoring the other things that could make you crazy. This is naturally much easier to say than it is to do.

You can make a new friend or have an affair who would be emotionaly fulfilling, so that you didn't mind her less than loving treatment of you. Going the affair route has lots of other consequences ... what would she do if she found out? How would you feel about yourself? ... but it is an option.

You can try a separation to see if you really want to be without her and the kids. You may decide that you miss the kids so much that you'll put up with her just to have them in your life.

You can get divorced and focus on finding another woman that you are more compatible with. I'd suggest you get a bit of counseling first if you choose this option, since you said "I had doubts all along...but always told myself things would get better soon." I don't suggest the counseling b/c you had doubts, but b/c you had them strongly and didn't listen to them. Did you not feel like you could find a more suitable match? Did you feel unworthy? Were you aware of settling for secondbest? These types of self esteem issues interfere with relationships and, depending on the source of the self exteem, can often be addressed fairly quickly with counseling.

Best of luck to you no matter what you decide.
Bub

[BonnieG2010]

Can you write a double list, one with the good things about her and your marriage and the other with the bad things about her and your marriage.
Think it over, don't rush it.

When you are pretty sure you are done, see where the scale goes.
If it goes on the bad part (as your post seems to imply) you've got to talk to her.
You'll find the better place and moment but you really got to talk to her before your dissatisfaction gets too strong.

Maybe there is still a way to save your marriage and your commitment, but you can't do it alone. You can only save your marriage with your wife

Best of luck

[Perna]

I would go to the event, alone, tell your wife that her behavior excludes her. She has to know how she affects other people; you, your friends, anyone she comes in contact with. You can still love her, stand by her, honor your marriage vows; that's all about YOU, not her. But it is the difference between who you love and who you "like", we hang around those we like and they may/may not coincide with those we love.

But unless your wife gets the "truth" of how her behavior makes you all feel, she can't improve it? You and she are not "stuck" unless you want to be. You do the best job you can and if it affects your health, you have to back away; you are in charge of keeping your organism alive and growing! If you have "extra" you help others and if you have a "partner" you work together. But if she isn't doing her work, isn't "trying" as hard as she can, isn't growing and changing and smiling at others and sure of herself (so you don't have to leave early), etc. then she can't play well with others yet and won't be invited/included.

[Evil Schnoodle]

Thank you all so much. What great comments and ideas. I will definitely spend time thinking about these things. Also, after writing this several days ago...I realize that a lot of my conflict is my own depression and anxiety...and a touch of an obsessive/perfectionist personality. . I think I have the habit of judging myself and those close to much much too harshly...and feeling depressed whan life is not what I want it to be. this is my own healing work. In this case...I think that over the last several years, I vented to my friend all of my anxieties, grief, losses from the past...and it is so easy in a relationship to put all that angst on the person you are currently with. For example, you could not tell from my earlier post that my wife is fiercely loyal and honest, that she often makes changes that are important to me, that she knows so much about me and pays attention to details that I never can seem to do for her, she has worked out one of the more positive blended families that I've seen (I'm even friends with her ex..), and that she has the most addictive smile I've ever seen.

I know this adds to the situation....and part of my growth will be to take better care of my self...not immediately go to friends seeking support for the crisis of the minute...but sit on it and think..then seek support if needed. I am going to talk to my friend next week and let him know it is important to me that he accept my wife despite the things I vented to him, set a limit with him, but also own how I contributed to the situation. I have a sense that it is going to work out any way that it goes....

Thank you---

[hamster-bamster]

Does your friend know that...

You find her smile infectious?

You are friends with her ex?

And other such good things?

I am afraid that just as your OP selectively reported the negative stuff, biasing your readers here, you selectively report to him, biasing him.

[Evil Schnoodle]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Does your friend know that...

You find her smile infectious?

You are friends with her ex?

And other such good things?

I am afraid that just as your OP selectively reported the negative stuff, biasing your readers here, you selectively report to him, biasing him.

Wow. Good point. I've been thinking about this lately
I am a very loyal person. Sometimes too much, since I am often loyal to who I am with at the moment. When with friends I am loyal to them. When with my wife i am loyal to her. This is more about me in relationship ...and i guess less about them.