Out in the world today, I encountered the rude behavior of a number of people, and it's making me just want to be a hermit. But I can't do that. Now that we're back from vacation and I've obtained my driver's license, my husband is counting on me to get a job so I can help him with the bills. Even a part-time job at minimum wage would do the trick. I don't have to equal his earning power.

But I just don't want to deal with people.

When somebody acts like a creep, whether it's childhood bullying or some loudmouthed obnoxious drunk at a bus stop, I've heard the advice to "just ignore it" all my life. "Oh, don't let it get you down. It's their problem, not yours. Just don't pay any attention to them." Analogies and figures of speech come in from all over. "Let it go in one ear, and out the other." "Be like a duck, and let it roll off your back." "Tell yourself, I'm rubber and he's glue." And then there's the title of the thread. Blinders are put on horses so they don't spook. I'm told, "Act like you're a horse, and you have your blinders on."

OK, so HOW do I do that? If I don't want to see something, I can close my eyes, but if I don't want to hear something, my ears won't close. And, you can't go through life with your eyes closed all the time. You could hurt yourself that way, especially if you're driving. Today was our first full day back home. Naturally we had errands to run, such as going to the post office to resume mail service, and grocery shopping. The afternoon started going downhill while my husband and I were sitting at a red light. For the record, he was driving. I'm still new to it, and when we go out together, it's usually him behind the wheel. Well, as we were waiting for the light to change, a young kid in a teensy little t-top sports car suddenly wedged himself crossways between us and the car in front of us. In a bigger vehicle, he couldn't have done that, but his car was small enough. He wanted to get to the gas station on the other side of us, and he had been in the wrong lane for turning in to it. If he had signaled and asked, we would gladly have given him the space and let him over, but he wedged in without asking. So there he is, horizontal across the lane. Then came the kicker. When he succeeded in getting across to the gas station and pulled up next to the pump, the light had not changed yet. He really hadn't caused us any actual delay. Yet at that point he felt compelled to reach up through his t-top and flip us a middle finger.

Why do people have to be like that? It really makes me not want to live on this planet anymore. (That's an internet meme, not a suicide threat.)

When we got to the grocery store, I'd had a strenuous last few days and was in serious need of using a motor cart. On a good day I can walk around in the store, with a cane. This was not a good day. Well, halfway through the shopping trip, the battery conked out. I had just enough juice to get it to the front of the store, where one last available motor cart was left. As I was plugging in the one that wasn't working anymore, a couple came in. The man was using a cane himself, but it was the woman, who didn't use any devices, who started to get on that last cart. I know better than to jump to conclusions, even though she looked young and healthy and was walking better than either of us. Not all disabilities are visible. But that wasn't the point. All I was thinking was, I am hurting, and I can't do this walking, and that was the last cart, and she just took it out from under me. I then informed her that I was trading this cart in because it had died, and was about to get on that one when she stepped in front of me. She willingly let me use the cart, but I felt snarky and ugly and guilty. They seemed like a nice couple, actually, which made me feel worse for saying anything.

Then when I went to rejoin my husband and found where he was, a group of people all together (some on motor carts or in their own wheelchairs, and several others standing among them) had the entire aisle barricaded, and I couldn't get through. After waiting a few minutes for somebody to move aside and let me pass, when nobody did I had to back up and circle around from another aisle to catch up with my husband. After snapping at that other couple, I didn't feel right speaking up again. There is a fine line between asserting yourself and being a selfish old bat.

Getting a job will entail being out in the world daily among people who will be rude and act like I don't exist, either purposefully like that punk in the t-top, accidentally like that nice couple, or completely unawares like that group blocking the aisle. The only way to keep from being totally destroyed by it is to "put my blinders on" and "don't let it get to me."

So somebody please tell me how to do that?

[Leed]

You know, the people blocking the aisle were being selfish. They SHOULD have moved to let you through!!! Who do they think they are, anyway? You were on a cart too -- they don't OWN the stupid store!!! People like that get my goat, big time.

You're right. The world is full of selfish people -- people who just don't give a darn about others. People who think the world revolves around THEM.

I'm 64 yrs old, and I was brought up to respect others. I was brought up to say please, thank you, excuse me, I'm sorry, etc. But this last generation? Oh brother. This world is in big trouble cause they don't seem to care about anything but themselves. At least that's the way it is in MY neck of the woods. They don't have any morals, have no respect for anyone, and wouldn't say please or thank you if it was shoved down their throats -- and I blame their PARENTS!!!

I'm like you -- I don't want to act like a "selfish old bat" but there are times when I have. I REFUSE to be walked on. Like I've said before, all I want is simple respect. I expect nothing more, but I'll accept nothing LESS.

Thanks for your post Lovebird. Please take good care of yourself -- and don't let yourself be walked on!! God bless! Hugs, Lee

I see it as personal test. Learn new ways to reply to ugly behaviour rather than react. I begin my day reading a spritual passage before I begin my p/t min wage job and apply it to my day.

[H3rmit]

I learned to be less reactive within myself. I can see them, no blinders, but I realize the reaction is coming from me. I pay attention to it, to learn about myself, instead of them. You may find your mind continually turning the focus on them. It's kind of like an obsession, blaming, or judgment, I find. It's not helpful. Takes time to train oneself out of reactive approaches. Then there is more room for analysis and creativity, like realizing that a loud "Excuse me" accompanied by a pleasant smile and good eye contact gets me a heckuva long way in many different situations. And if the person is still a jerk, then, well, I have maintained a standard that feels good, and a good feeling. I'm looking forward to seeing other people's ideas in this thread.

I can't add much to H3rmit's reply. That's pretty much my view. I see as many considerate polite people in my store as the other type.
Maybe you could try being a bit less sensitive. Of the three example you gave only one was really offensive behavior. You weren't entitled to that last cart any more than the other woman who wanted it was. Later on in the store you may have been blocking someone with your cart. I doubt that those people were aware that they were blocking you. The aisles are narrow... this is just something that happens in a supermarket. Most of us are concentrating on getting our stuff rather than looking around to see if we are in someone's way.
Try to see the donut, not the hole

I'd like to point out, I made this same post word for word on another recovery forum, and the answers I've gotten here so far are much more helpful than the two I've seen so far over there. Thank you.

I know all of you are correct. I absolutely should be less sensitive, but on a not-so-good day I don't at all know how to turn off the radar. I believe if it hadn't been for the intentional rudeness of the first incident, I wouldn't have been so raw already, and may not have even cared about the second or third. So that's the heart of it. When some turkey out there is intentionally rude, I know the thing to do is not let it get to me. But I have never been able to figure out how to "not let it." It's going to. I mean if someone walks right up to me and punches me in the nose, my nose is going to bleed whether I "let it" or not.

Out of curiosity, I'd like feedback on the two answers I got at the other site. The first one was full of more "choose not to be upset," again without telling me HOW to do that. The second was a seventy-something man who told me it was a mental problem. Well, no kidding; that would be why I posted it in a recovery forum, right? He then said his wife used to be afraid of the world, and he cured her by refusing to provide anything for her, so she'd be forced to go out there into the "evil" world and get it herself. His whole tone disgusted me. It was rather like curing someone's fear of water by picking them up and throwing them into the river. Even if it "works," it's cruel.

I think some people really are more able to "choose not to be upset" than others. I relate your issue to mine of obsessing over insignificant things or events. Usually I can stop myself from obsessing over something insignificant but sometimes I can't. It usually works by just putting the event behind me and moving on to what I was doing or need to be doing. Whatever it takes to get it out of my mind. Maybe you just have less of this ability to control what upsets you and how long it affects you and how soon you are able to let it go?
The second example... hmmm it works for some things but it sounds like he went to extremes. But looking at it pragmatically he may have helped her. If he dies first she will no doubt be better able to handle life on her own. I've seen situations where the husband handles everything and then when he dies the wife is stuck not knowing how to do the simplest of things and having to learn while also grieving.

I'm sure in the end it did benefit her to learn to manage without him. I just don't like the attitude in which he did it, that tone of "Don't come crying to me. I don't care that you're afraid." My husband encouraged me to get my driver's license. It took a couple of years even once I started learning, largely because of that fear, but he helped me work through it. Now that we're back home from vacation, my next task is to get a job. As a person with a disability, I'm doing that through Vocational Rehabilitation. My next meeting with them is in two weeks because now my worker is on vacation.

My husband has also been teaching me how he manages the finances, something I've never had occasion to do before (because there have been no finances to manage.) It's all for the same purpose: If something happens to him, I'll be able to maintain the lifestyle he has provided for me instead of having to go back to my previous lifestyle of government assistance and subsidized housing.

But instead of picking me up and throwing me in the river, my husband's technique is to get in the river with me and walk me through it. He knows *why* I'm afraid of the world. He knows the world hasn't been very kind to me so far. He also knows I come from a background of "You just shut up and let me handle this. It's my department." Rigid gender roles. The man works at a job. The woman cooks and cleans, doesn't ask questions, and does what her husband tells her to do. She does NOT work at a job herself, even if he is unemployed or drinking his paycheck away, because her place is in the home. My father was that way, and my first husband was that way.

Even nowadays, I've seen that kind of dependency not only encouraged, but insisted on. At another website, I saw a young girl defending her boyfriend who forbids her to get a job. "He just wants to take care of me, that's all." I told her to change that to "He just wants to control me, that's all," because it's more accurate. But it also happens in reverse. My grandfather was another one of those "rigid gender role" men. Housework was the woman's department. I never saw him so much as make a bed. So when my grandmother sprained her ankle, guess which one of them was helpless around the house?

I agree with all of that. There are good ways to do things but people don't always choose that way.

[liveforfish]

I find it difficult myself. I tend to let other's actions bother me way too much. I need blinder lessons too so I'll follow this thread.

I used to be so full of life and could pray and care for the offender.I think stress makes it worse, and pain. I'm not very tolerant of others when I'm in pain.

Hopefully we can both learn together.

[unaluna]

So maybe it's not a matter of turning putting blinders on, but taking them off. Now how do you see the guy in the sports car? What do you think he could be saying to himself? That couple is so happy together, they won't even move to let me thru. They are probably jealous of my car. They don't know I can barely afford it... you never know. But I think you did a smart thing in talking it over here. PC can be like group therapy. So the blinders are that we see the world the way we saw our family, or the way our family saw the world. Like always picking on us, or discounting our opinion (a biggie for me!). When really, like stuart smily said on Saturday night live, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it people like me! repeat !

[cool09]

Some people have an easier time than others. I am very easily irritable and I hate it. It's part of manic-depression. And if a Dr. thinks your problem is clinical there are drugs that are made to decrease irritability/agitation. If you find something that works it's like night and day and it frees your mind up to focus on other (better) things. My father can not comprehend my daily severe irritability, he has no problem at all with it.

[So hopeful]

I love this thread. I think almost everyone feels that the world has become so much harder and colder. My husband and I are constantly trading stories about the bad encounters we've had during the day. Sometimes I also don't leave the house because I don't want to deal with a world that seems to have lost its most basic civilities and pleasantness.

People tell you not to be so thin-skinned. But that's not easy or necessarily desirable. Others have posted some great ideas for surviving these rude attacks. One thing I've found that sometimes helps me is to take some control of the situation by confronting the rudeness directly, on the principle that you feel bad because you feel like the world is out of your control. The truth is you are a part of the world and have a say in how it's shaped. So I often say "You're welcome!" in a loud, cheerful voice (it doesn’t make me feel better when I say it in an offended tone of voice) when someone doesn't thank me for holding the door open, picking up a dropped item, etc. A few brave times I've actually gone after the person, tapped them on the arm and said, "You should say excuse me when you bump into someone." Often I get no response even from that, but at least I feel like I've done something, and maybe they’ll think about what I’ve said later. I'll confess that twice that ended badly for me, with the person threatening to kill me. Nice world!

Sometimes it also helps to tell myself that the offender might be suffering too. I think of the times I've been bereaved, when I've been so sunk in grief that I know I forgot my manners and probably appeared rude and selfish to someone I encountered on the street or in a store. Those are times I hope I was forgiven. When I think the person who's cut me off or has answered my hello with a frown may have just lost their child or spouse, it makes me more forgiving of their rudeness.

It also sometimes helps to vent to others, but after my husband and I exchange our rude people stories I usually feel worse. I think that’s because it’s reactive rather than active. H3rmit puts this very well – it’s hard, but it really is possible to train yourself out of your reactive approaches. I’m working on it. And I’ve found that the one thing that helps every time is to greet the world actively and as though it’s not going to be bad. This means, for me, smiling and saying hello first (instead of waiting for an acknowledgement), or asking what I can do for someone (instead of waiting for them to guess what I need).

When I'm feeling dark, weak, vulnerable and overly sensitive, this can seem like a bit of a ruse. But it's a little like exercise for me: you might not feel like you have the energy to do it, but the more you do it the more energy you feel you have for the project. I think a lot of my troubles stem from feeling helpless, powerless and out of touch, and this approach - taking the offensive instead of the defensive (a more aggressive metaphor than I mean) - has the advantage of making me feel more empowered which in turn makes me feel more positive, which in turn seems to generate more positive encounters. It’s also a neat solution to the problem of being treated like you don’t exist. It makes you more visible – in a good way.

[IceCreamKid]

I hope this helps. When my depression is bad I am more sensitive. I don't know which drives the other (the sensitivity or the depression) but they're likely connected. You didn't say whether you have a diagnosed mental illness (or if you did, I am sorry I did not see it).

So my first suggestion would be to tell your medical doctor about this. Sometimes people think the only thing physicians can do is diagnose or treat physical ailments like ulcers or broken legs. But a good physician will know that some illnesses have an emotional component.

Since you are a new driver, please consider driving with your husband sitting in the passenger seat. It will give you practice in a safer situation and I believe you will get experience handling the jerk drivers in a safer situation (because you will have an experienced driver sitting next to you).

Consider getting good headphones and listening to soothing music or books on tape or other spoken material while you are waiting in line or walking through a store. I see many people doing this. If you do do this, though, you will also need to adapt to visually scanning your environment because I would not be surprised if snatch and grab crimes against headphone wearers is on the rise.

Mentally tell yourself you're going to think about what you saw or what someone said later. Then, if need be when you get home, use a set amount of time to note down what bothered you. I wouldn't give myself more than 30 minutes a day. Once you have written it down, leave it in the book.

My experience working retail: I'd say about 2 out of a hundred were jerks. In fact, I still remember the two people. But they don't bother me anymore. I recognize them as the anomalies: think of all the other nice people I met in a day. You might try to find a job that matches your interests: if you prefer older people and can only find a fast food job, try to get hours when the older folks come in --our local fast food place is jammed with older people after the churches let out.

You don't always have to be accepting. If someone is blocking the aisle, you can choose to go around or you can say, would you let me pass, please? You're not being a bad person if you choose to ask someone to give you courtesy. You did the right thing in telling the young lady she had snagged your rolling cart, and she did the right thing in giving it back to you.

I'm guessing you were raised to be a polite person no matter what. But you are now living in a faster world. I'd say more people are rude, and maybe they are, but I rarely notice them anymore (constant exposure does seem to help deaden their impact, but I also note I have depression); but I'd also say I have noticed (because I mentally, emotionally, and consciously starting trying to notice) the world is filled with decent people trying to get along. Please reward the ones you encounter with a smile or a friendly look; it's a sort of paying forward I do that has paid me back emotionally 10 fold. Courage! I wish you peace and love.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by So hopeful

H3rmit puts this very well – it’s hard, but it really is possible to train yourself out of your reactive approaches. I’m working on it. And I’ve found that the one thing that helps every time is to greet the world actively and as though it’s not going to be bad. This means, for me, smiling and saying hello first (instead of waiting for an acknowledgement), or asking what I can do for someone (instead of waiting for them to guess what I need).

When I'm feeling dark, weak, vulnerable and overly sensitive, this can seem like a bit of a ruse. But it's a little like exercise for me: you might not feel like you have the energy to do it, but the more you do it the more energy you feel you have for the project. I think a lot of my troubles stem from feeling helpless, powerless and out of touch, and this approach - taking the offensive instead of the defensive (a more aggressive metaphor than I mean) - has the advantage of making me feel more empowered which in turn makes me feel more positive, which in turn seems to generate more positive encounters.

Thanks, and I'm still working on it, too. I am not social by nature - self-diagnosed Aspergers - so I have had to study, analyze, and try new things all my life to overcome that.

[yellowfrog268]

Cliches are so vague aren't they?

As a fellow hater of rudeness and a sometimes wanna be hermit, I sympathize with you.

The only thing I've found that works for me is to recognize that good manners and the ability to feel empathy for another have, by and large, gone by the wayside. It's sad to think that a lot people today think only of themselves but that is the way things are going lately. It's all about me me me and to hell with anyone else. All you can do is continue to be the conscientious person you are.

[liveforfish]

I recently went south for a vacation. The people are so polite and nice down there. I felt like I was in another world.

Then we hit NJ and the rudeness was back. Sad to say us northeners or so fast paced and self absorbed. Totally night and day.

Makes me want that slower paced, more relaxed lifestyle real bad.
My husband and I really want to move south and enjoy our life more.

Yes, I do have a chronic depressive illness. Plus, I was raised to be polite. I'm also Southern, by the way, but now living in the Pacific Northwest. It was ingrained into me, among other things, NEVER to address someone older than I am by their first name. "Unless invited to do so" was something I affixed on to it myself, later. That's how I taught my daughters to do, and it's what I still do myself. My father didn't care if the neighbor said "Call me Joe." I was still made to address him as Mr. Smith. And that applied arbitrarily. If I was 17 and the neighbor was 18, he was an adult and I wasn't, so he was still Mr. Smith, and not Joe.

My parents told me at the time that when it was my turn, I would be given the same respect.

They were wrong.

The only person who ever calls me Mrs. Brady is my husband, as a term of endearment acknowledging that I am his wife. If I'm at the doctor's office waiting to be called, and the nurse or medical assistant steps out with my chart in hand, what I'm going to hear called out is not "Mrs. Brady?" but my first name, and then it's usually mispronounced. My husband, born and raised in California, says words like "ma'am" are just passé nowadays, and nobody says them. Well, I feel like I've been lied to. Or, that life changed the rules just when it was my turn to benefit by them. It brings to mind playing tag on the playground, and right when I'm "it," all of the other kids simultaneously hear their mothers calling them for supper. Remember "Calvinball" from the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip? Calvin kept changing the rules of the game any time he was about to lose, so that no matter what happened, he'd win. I feel like life is playing Calvinball with me, changing the rules so that I can't win.

Interestingly, we just got back from vacation in Honolulu. I noticed there that the traffic is crazy. It's a big, multicultural city, and I'll bet the majority of the drivers are tourists like we were, with little to no idea where they're going. We saw a high percentage of cars with UPC stickers in the back seat windows, a sure sign of it being a rental car. Therefore, being in the wrong lane and needing to get over, or making a last minute turn, happens all the time. But nobody's rude about it. What usually happens is that driver A will let driver B in, and then driver B will answer with a "hang loose" gesture that in this context is meant to say, "Thank you." It's exactly the opposite of the middle finger.

Then we're not even back home for a day, and we get that rude driver in the t-top. I think the contrast depressed me.

[So hopeful]

Lovebird, I hear you. I was raised in a pretty hippie household, the only kid I knew whose parents insisted my friends call them by their first names. At the time I, and the other kids, thought that was 'cool', but now, in my 40s, I take such umbrage at people addressing me by my first name - like at the doctor's office, as you say. For some reason, I particularly hate it when the kids making my coffee at the coffee shop ask for my name so they can write it on the cup and then call it out when the coffee's ready. I feel caught in a bind, but would feel foolish glaring at them and saying, "Mrs. X". Hm, maybe next time I'll work up the nerve to try that. How I long for the old civilities...

In the coffee situation, any time they ask for a name, I just give them my last, but without the title. Having them call out, "Brady" isn't so distasteful, even if it does feel slightly military. My husband doesn't care. In fact, while we were renting the place in Honolulu (much cheaper than doing a hotel) both of us had occasion to call the owner and ask her a question. When she answered the phone, I addressed her as Mrs. S---, but my husband addressed her as D---. He's Californian, and not raised the same way I was. Which, of course, means he doesn't take offense when they call out his first name in a waiting room. He doesn't expect to be Mr'd.