[Pink santa]

Hello, My issue has to do with multiple things, like 1, I'm gay and still in the closet, 2. I'm in a relationship that i don't want to be in, and 3.I'm scared that the person I'm in a relationship with will hurt/kill themselves if i break up with them. (we are both 15 years old) Recently i have been feeling a lot of stress from a relationship i have been in for about 4 months. I have feelings for my boyfriend, and i would never hurt him intentionally, and might even jump in front of a bullet to save this person. But the problem is that they are very negative all the time, and even when i try helping, they do not take my word for it. I know that he has been feeling lonely, and even threatens to kill himself after we get into fights. Its almost as if he relies on me to fix all of his problems and then blames me for not being able to do so. Due to all the stress, i have not been getting the grades i feel i can, and instead of doing homework on nights, i worry and grief why i do this to him, and how if he does kill himself, its my fault. I'm scared to hurt him , as he might commit suicide, so i simply pretend like nothing is wrong, even saying "i love you" back to him when he says it to me, despite this being the true way i feel about him because i feel that love can't really be found at this age. His depression often effects the way i do in school. and to be honest, im tired of it. He constantly pushes me out of my comfort zone, inviting me to school events, and then beating himself up about me saying no saying that "i guess i should go die somewhere because even my boyfriend doesn't want to be with me", this also makes me wanna cry because i can't do anything about it either, because i don't want people to know i'm gay yet..and sadly to say, i just want to break up, but am terrified of the consequences of what he might do. Im feeling stuck, and maybe even emotionally abused. I would never kill/hurt myself, but im just depressed because he might... His life is important to me, but so are academics. What do i do? :/ Please help. Thanks.

[shezbut]

Pink santa,

It sounds like a pretty unhealthy relationship, all around.

Do you two have any mutual friends? Have you ever known your bf to reach out to any other people?

You shouldn't have to stay in a relationship with your bf because he's threatened to hurt or kill himself. That only builds resentment within you! Years ago, when I was a teen, a bf of mine threatened to do the same. My bf was a major pathological liar (which is certainly different than a person who is stuck in major depression), but the effect on the person with them is similar. I was pretty irritated with him. Why he was so compelled to tell me these grandiose schemes, to pressure me into staying, out of guilt & pity didn't make him look more lovable to me.

After several months of baloney, I finally ended our relationship. That was what I needed to do for myself. I wasn't getting anything good out of the relationship anymore ~ it wasn't worth the drama.

I'd recommend that you be true to yourself and let go of your boyfriend. You aren't doing him any favors, by letting him guilt you in to staying with him. Tell him that you do care about him, and don't want him to hurt himself, but you can't stay with him either ~ it's causing you a lot of distress now. Gently recommend that he gets help from a T now. You just can't take the suicidal threats anymore...and you shouldn't have to.

From there, I'd recommend staying away from romantic relationships for a little while. Let yourself grow a bit. That will make you a lot stronger ~ and more comfortable in the choices that you make later.

Welcome to Psych Central!

It sounds like he's depressed and needs some professional help. Please take comfort that there is nothing you can do to help him and by staying with him does not help him either. If he's serious about the suicide thoughts then he needs help, but that is out of your league. No offense meant there to you either, but he needs very good therapy at the very least and you're not trained in that huh?

It could also be manipulation. I mean that he doesn't mean the suicide comments, but is manipulating you into staying with him. This is wrong, and you should be free to live your life your way, and if that means leaving him, then do it. Even if (and that's a huge if) he did ever harm himself, then that is his choice, not yours. You are not responsible for other people's actions. You do not put the weapon or whatever in their hands and please don't feel guilt by being true to yourself.

I would tho, if you can, tell his parents, your parents, a teacher or someone about his threats. Please let them take over the care he needs. You will most probably be doing him the biggest favour you could by doing this, and that is a sign you care about him. You also need to do whatever makes you happy, and concentrate on yourself and your grades.

Hugs to you and good luck.

[Pink santa]

I'd Like to say thank you so much for replying back, i now know that i have to end the relationship, and hopefully all goes well. We don't have any mutual friends, and i will speak to his guidance counselor at school about it, im not sure to do this before or after the breakup, but i know the sooner, the better. Sadly, he would never get help, as i've begged him many times before and he just says no and starts fighting with me about it.. :\ I'm finally glad that i could speak to someone about this, and once again, thank you for listening.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Pink santa

he would never get help, as i've begged him many times before and he just says no and starts fighting with me about it.

You have fulfilled your duty as that of his boyfriend by begging him to get help. You can move on now. Advising the guidance counselor is a great idea.

You have gone what you could!

From an old song by Alice Cooper:

I don't want to see you go,
I don't even want to be there.
I will cover up my eyes
And pray it goes away.
You've only lived a minute of your life
I must be dreaming,
Please stop screaming.
I don't like to hear you cry.
You just don't know
How deep that cuts me.
So I will cover up my eyes
And it will go away.
You've only lived a minute of your life
I must be dreaming,
Please stop screaming.
Steven
I hear my name. (Steven)
Is someone calling me ?
I hear my name. (Steven)
That icy breath,
It whispers screams of pain.
I don't want to feel you die,
But if that's the way
That God has planned you,
I'll put pennies on your eyes
And it will go away, see ?
You've only lived a minute of your life
I must be dreaming,
Please stop screaming.
(Steven) (Is someone calling me ? - No)
(Steven)
(I think I hear a voice,
It's outside the door.)
(Steven) I hear my name.
(Steven) (Is someone calling me ?
I hear my name.)
(Steven) (What do you want ?)
(Steven) (What do you want ?)
(What do you want ?) (Steven)
(I hear my name.)

I am not saying that he would die. Just that you have done what you could.

[Pink santa]

Hey, back again, and i still haven't broken up with him, and he still speaks of how the love he feels is more than just high school love, and i don't know how to tell him i don't feel the same :'( We have had no time to talk in person. But i do think i should still end it. I told him this weekend that i couldnt hang out because i had school work to do, and he blamed me for ruining his weekend... I feel pathetic for crying about it, but i know it will be worse because Monday im breaking up with him.. wish me luck. any tips on how i can mention it? :/

[hamster-bamster]

Give him a really big hug. And say what is on your mind, wish him luck and the best and promise that you will keep good memories of your time together.

[shezbut]

((Pink santa))

I know that you aren't real keen on the idea of letting go. I am sure that it is scary for you. It is often very hard to face our fears and do what we honestly know to be the right decision for ourselves.

I'm not sure that telling your bf about your sexuality is necessary at this point. You could simply suffice it to say that his depression and guilt trips are too difficult for you to take right now. You do care about him a lot, and don't want him to ever purposely hurt himself, but you can't go on like this in life either. Healthy relationships are give and take from both sides...you have no more to give of yourself.

If your bf promises to make changes in hopes of you staying with him, or if you feel that you must tell him about your sexuality, ask yourself if it really is necessary to share this information with him. A lot of times, we unnecessarily hurt others (to get things off our minds, in hopes of feeling relieved from our distress). But this can cause that person even more pain. Does he really have to know that you're fighting with sexual feelings? Will knowing this help make him feel any better? Probably not. Knowing these things could make him feel a lot worse, and I'm sure that you wouldn't want that weighing you down further. I'm not trying to make you feel bad or guilty at all, I just want you to take that part into consideration as you plan how to break things off as painless as possible.

Best wishes to you ~ please let us know how it goes. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

[Pink santa]

Originally Posted by shezbut

((Pink santa))

I know that you aren't real keen on the idea of letting go. I am sure that it is scary for you. It is often very hard to face our fears and do what we honestly know to be the right decision for ourselves.

I'm not sure that telling your bf about your sexuality is necessary at this point. You could simply suffice it to say that his depression and guilt trips are too difficult for you to take right now. You do care about him a lot, and don't want him to ever purposely hurt himself, but you can't go on like this in life either. Healthy relationships are give and take from both sides...you have no more to give of yourself.

If your bf promises to make changes in hopes of you staying with him, or if you feel that you must tell him about your sexuality, ask yourself if it really is necessary to share this information with him. A lot of times, we unnecessarily hurt others (to get things off our minds, in hopes of feeling relieved from our distress). But this can cause that person even more pain. Does he really have to know that you're fighting with sexual feelings? Will knowing this help make him feel any better? Probably not. Knowing these things could make him feel a lot worse, and I'm sure that you wouldn't want that weighing you down further. I'm not trying to make you feel bad or guilty at all, I just want you to take that part into consideration as you plan how to break things off as painless as possible.

Best wishes to you ~ please let us know how it goes. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

hey, what do you u mean by 'tell him your sexuality'? i was a little lost at this O.o but otherwise, good advice, thanks

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Pink santa

hey, what do you u mean by 'tell him your sexuality'? i was a little lost at this O.o but otherwise, good advice, thanks

I was referring to your sexual preference. In the initial post, you stated that you "are gay and still in the closet". Please do forgive me if I'm wrong, but I assumed that this meant that you are a girl with a guy whom you care about emotionally ~ however, there is no sexual desire to be with him (to hug one another, kiss..that sort of thing).

[Pink santa]

Well this is a misunderstanding... lol I'm a guy actually

[Pink santa]

Well this is a little misunderstanding then...lol I'm actually a guy by the way

[hamster-bamster]

I knew you were a guy but for some reason I thought you were in UK and now I see that you are in Boston... well, the good part is that it means that the school clearly has guidance counselors - i know nothing about British schools.

[Pink santa]

Hey I'm not feeling so okay at the moment...needless to say, thinking about this might only make me more sad, but i have to get this out.. I don't know how to feel happy and worry-free anymore... It seems like my life is kinda falling apart right in front of my eyes.. I have to deal with this relationship, and deal with my grades as well, and also manage to get a full night of sleep(I'm usually sleep deprived). Ok so I've been starting to feel even worse, yes the advice helped, but not for long, as i'm not sure what to do at this point, my boyfriend and i are still together, and I'm not sure how much more of it i can take, I keep thinking long and hard about what the real reason i'm break up with him. I can only point to one thing...the death threats. I see these coming mostly from when i can't spend time with him... and i feel if i break up with him right now by text, he would end up killing himself... :l and now that im more busy due to school and home.. these threat come more and more.. He constantly want me to love him..Yet how can i love someone who makes me feel like i did when my dad passed as i kid...i couldn't do nothing about it and i guarantee i'd also feel the guilt for being the one to not be there to stop him...
I know i have to be there but i just need to have the time two, with all these projects, i can't make it to him until Wednesday (May 29)...and i don't know how i cant keep up the act much longer...(the act i put on that i still feel that i love him) this is because of the words "i love you" , i don't believe I'm in love with him....and he makes me feel bad for this. should i keep up this act, despite knowing that he might hurt himself if i'm not there? would it be best to keep up the act then deal with it on Wednesday? Should i feel bad for lying about loving him still? please help :'( i want to feel like i can be worry free for once, I want to be the happy kid i was before all of this... Its almost as if his anxiety causes me to have anxiety as well. I feel there is consensus between us, which was the biggest mistake ever... that's what makes me not feel the same about him, i don't think i ever will either... I'm supposed to be asleep because i need to work on projects and essays, and a research paper all due on Tuesday, and i can't even sleep, i'm tired of crying, and i hope you're reading because i need help.
Tears on this keyboard as i type,
I just wish i could sleep tonight
As I'm terrified he can't put up a fight,
I Just hope that my future is alright...
He's damaged by the love i don't requite..
Leaving me stressed out and hurt this night...

Any comments can help....i need some guidance..

[Pink santa]

I'm no longer my usual happy self...

This boyfriend and his actions are dragging you down and it seems to me that you're totally caught up in the drama of him and unable to think straight with your wobbling. Hugs.

Really, the best way is to end it - you want to end it, ending it feels right for you, and you have no other option. It's always a bit hard ending a relationship, but it is a necessity sometimes as we go along - if we didn't then there would be a lot of unhappy people out there. So my advice to you is just do it. If too scared to do it in person, then write a letter. Say that you've had some good times and as Hamster said, you will remember the good times, but now you do not feel it anymore. Blame a need to get on with your school work if you think it will make it easier.

And I hope you do tell a parent or a teacher or something about his threats. This really is the only thing you can do to help with his depression, and understand that you are not responsible for his actions or happiness, especially if it means making yourself so very unhappy.

You're going to have to be strong, but there really is no other way.

Hugs.

[shezbut]

Sorry about my misunderstanding, pink santa!

I still think that you need to end this relationship now though! Your bf is tearing you up inside. This really needs to be done to maintain your own sanity. And he really needs to get some professional help to get through this struggle he is caught in.

Please do tell a responsible adult about his frequent threats, so something is done to help him now. You need to be true to yourself ~ there is no other way around it. PLEASE get help. You don't have to have a deep soul-searching conversation with your bf. Just tell him that this relationship has to be over now. Your heart isn't in it anymore. You will always care about him as a person, but you need your space to fulfill your dreams.

[Pink santa]

Hey, so i haven't been able to get back to you guys, I've been dealing with alot recently, I strongly regret this relationship, and wish i trusted my gut in not getting involved with anything on than school.
First off, i broke up with him about 5 days ago, and he didn't kill himself because i told him how much that would crush me, and i told the guidance counselor at my school about his constant threats, and now he's just been sad and i hope he can get better.

When i came home Friday, my mother told me she was making me transfer to my brother's school because of the 3 c's i got on my report card. When i try to explain to her why i was doing bad, i can't tell the truth, and now her decision is final.

I don't think i can bring up my grades to A's by the end of the term, but im not gonna stop trying. I just feel lost because i don't want to change schools, although it may be a better learning experience, i feel i won't be able to be myself, like i can around many of my friends. Making me change schools is terribly unfair, and its been making me less happy for the past few days.
I don't want to have to tell my mom about why i've been doing bad, but i think its the only thing i can do.
I just regret my decision of having a bf at such a young age... it ruined things and now he(my ex) is gonna be "alone once again" :/ . I feel like my decisions is what made him and i both sad, and now im changing schools and things will be worse for me.

[shezbut]

It's great that you finally broke things off with your bf and told the guidance counselor at school. Great job!

I assume that it is painful to see your ex now. It's difficult not to personalize the sad look that you always see on his face. But remind yourself that his sorrow isn't your fault, we can't always rely upon others to give us the motivation to live. We can only control our own behavior, no matter how hard we try!

I'm sorry that your mom is having you change schools, to improve your grades. It is hard to let go of our comfortable space and be put into a new one. I wouldn't be real happy with that decision either.

Are you thinking that if you tell your mom why you've haven't done as well expects from you that she will change her mind about making you switch schools? If so, I'm not sure that's real logical. I suppose that it depends upon how the information is presented to her, and her personality style. {Some people are real "hotheads" and blow up; others sit and think for a while before reacting; a lot of people react pretty well in the moment, before the information sinks in and actually gets processed ~ then they blow up later, over seemingly nothing; etc.} Anyway, you certainly know her style by now. I just recommend that you think about how she typically reacts to stress and go from there.

Many parents are very supportive and understanding with their gay children. Hopefully, your mom will fall into that category when you do decide to let her know.

Best wishes to you!