[MusicMike]

I'm a 44 year old man and I have a history of relationships with depressed women. There is something in me that draws me to them. I usually care a lot about them but they are very draining and part of me gets angry that I'm in this situation. Well I recently had a brief relationship with a woman who is very depressed and anxious, although it wasn't so bad when we first met.

Even though it wasn't as bad at first, I could tell when we first met that she was going to be a problem. She acted insecure, very demanding of my attention to help her through her crises, and we had only just met. She was turning to me with despair and I had known her like three weeks. Instead of running, I tried to fulfill the role of helpful friend. I denied myself my true feelings and needs.

She goes through ups and downs, and it was during a "up" that I thought, hey this is going to work as a relationship. She was constantly flirting with me this whole time. So I knew she wanted a relationship. And I agreed. And there were some nice things because she is a caring person. But finally her constant anxiety got to be too much and I said it wasn't going to work.

But I said we could stay friends. I was having a really hard time admitting how much of a problem she is. So it has been about four months now of being "just friends," and she goes through ups and downs, but tonight we hung out a little and it was brutal. She was so depressed, and had zero ability to be present for me.

I wanted to talk about some of the exciting things that are happening to me recently, including my way of understanding my dreams and other people's dreams on the forum here. I love this way of trying to live in harmony with the unconscious mind. Well, she started to make clear that she had a radically different viewpoint and really doesn't like my view of the unconscious. And I wanted so much to feel supported by her, in this thing that meant so much to me.

Folks, please don't tell me to dump her. I'm not dumb. I know when somebody is not good for me. If it were that easy I would have done it already. It's agonizing to have to tell her somehow that she has been a major headache for me and it's best to end it. If you want to help me, then find some way to help me (1) be at peace in the moment and (2) maybe find some way to work toward "releasing" her. But mostly help me be at peace in the moment.

[~Christina]

wow ... ummm okay ...

So you don't want to date anyone with depression because it makes you angry?

Then do not date anyone that shows the tiniest sign of depression and ask them to show you a recent psych evaluation ? Maybe that would help in the future ?

For now just be polite and tell the woman you just don't think it is working, no need to be rude to her.

I hope you find someone that makes you happy.

I wonder if you date these women because you like to be needed? Just a shame it's an unhealthy kind of need and a need that should really come from a therapist not you. Try dating a woman who's more self-sufficient next time, may be a hint towards their mental health.

And I agree with Christina, just tell her. No need to be mean and discuss her problems, it will probably make her worse. I don't understand why it will be so hard, other than the normal hard it is to break up with someone - which we all go through at some stage. Just say that its simply not working and then you may then find your peace.

Hugs.

Hugs.

[MusicMike]

In reading these replies and my original post I realized that I really misrepresented myself. If anyone is still with me, I would like to start this over.

I am often depressed myself and have been through some brutal periods of close to suicidal. I have been learning in therapy, over many years to have compassion for this side of myself. I enjoy participating on this forum and lending some help and understanding to people who suffer from depression and OCD, or sharing my experience.

The reason I am attracted to depressed women is that I feel that "happy people" will reject me, because I sometimes feel depressed myself.

I really have never made a relationship work, just suffered in ones that I wanted to get out of. So part of what you are reading in my original post was my own despair. I'm afraid I'll never have an enjoyable relationship. A large part of me wants to be a loner so I don't feel motivated to even try.

Mentioning "anger at a depressed person" probably gave the wrong impression, especially on a forum where many people are depressed. A couple things. I didn't say "I get angry", I said "a part of me gets angry." Which is to say, I don't identify with the anger and act it out. I realize it's my issue. It's simply a response to feeling trapped in a painful situation. It largely originates as anger at myself and my own feelings of helplessness.

I wouldn't really say mean things to her and "dump her." I have an enormous fear that whatever I say will sound like that, however, which is one thing that inhibits me.

I feel free to give compassion and understanding to other people when I'm not in a relationship with them. But I have been getting completely overwhelmed with her depression. Completely.

I'm really stuck. Saying goodbye to her feels like the end of the world. I don't quite understand why. That's why I feel stuck.

Thank you for reading this far, and I hope you can understand what I really meant to say.

[healingme4me]

Are you overwhelmed with her depression, because you have your own coping skills in place.

You mentioned in this thread that you hung out, and she couldn't even be emotionally present for you. Is that, because of her depression, or just because she's not emotionally present?

You've mentioned working through your stuff, maybe in turn, you want someone who has taken that extra effort to work through theirs?

[~Christina]

Thank you Mike , now things make sense.

My first question would be is .. are you in treatment, Meds? Therapy? I am a true believer that if you are not in a good place yourself, you shouldn't be out in the dating world. It will only hurt you but the other party also. I am not saying sit and home and be miserable, go out with friends, find hobbies for your self that are good for you.

If you are not getting help, please reach out and find some it will help you feel better and once you are feeling better, then you can in jump back in the dating pool.

Good luck and Thank you for giving a clearer picture of your struggle.

[MusicMike]

My coping skills are pretty fragile, hence I get overwhelmed pretty easily by other people's depression. But it depends on their way of expressing it. She gets in a bad mood and uses language that expresses despair, helplessness, etc. She uses this language with no awareness of how much her own language is amplifying her depression. She also sighs, a kind of despairing sigh, which really triggers me, and constantly has a tone of voice that expresses despair. (So you could say she has the 'body language' of depression.)

Well, actually, I am talking about last night. She's not always that depressed.

Her ability to be present is not that strong even when she's in her best mood. She gets triggered by a lot of stuff and often can't get past her own reaction. For instance, my talk about dreams and my model of the unconscious triggered her own associations and she really wasn't able to support me--in fact, she felt critical to me.

I do want someone who has worked through their stuff, or at least can take a step back and see some of the things they do to contribute to their own situation.

One thing that pains me greatly is I feel she has a bad therapist who is amplifying her problems. Of course, I don't really know. I have to assume a few things based on what she says. But the picture I get is that her therapist in subtle ways reinforces her own agitation, counterproductive struggle, etc. 75% of the time after therapy she says it was brutal and that she feels terrible (because strong emotions came up). She often comes to me for support because therapy was so traumatic. That doesn't sound right to me.

[MusicMike]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Thank you Mike , now things make sense.

My first question would be is .. are you in treatment, Meds? Therapy? I am a true believer that if you are not in a good place yourself, you shouldn't be out in the dating world. It will only hurt you but the other party also. I am not saying sit and home and be miserable, go out with friends, find hobbies for your self that are good for you.

If you are not getting help, please reach out and find some it will help you feel better and once you are feeling better, then you can in jump back in the dating pool.

Good luck and Thank you for giving a clearer picture of your struggle.

Yes, I have a good psychiatrist (good med combination) and I've been in therapy for a long time (made wonderful progress in therapy--I have come so far, it would take a novel to describe). I think that I could handle a relationship if the other person were in about the same place as me--accepting of the fact that people get scared and depressed sometimes, but able to work skillfully with themselves. But part of me wants the benefits of being alone, the freedom for one thing, but also the ability to devote my attention to my own healing.

Mike

[~Christina]

Pat yourself on your back ! You are doing everything possible to be healthy.
I am happy for you .

[TanyaP]

Originally Posted by mike1127

In reading these replies and my original post I realized that I really misrepresented myself. If anyone is still with me, I would like to start this over.

I am often depressed myself and have been through some brutal periods of close to suicidal. I have been learning in therapy, over many years to have compassion for this side of myself. I enjoy participating on this forum and lending some help and understanding to people who suffer from depression and OCD, or sharing my experience.

The reason I am attracted to depressed women is that I feel that "happy people" will reject me, because I sometimes feel depressed myself.

I really have never made a relationship work, just suffered in ones that I wanted to get out of. So part of what you are reading in my original post was my own despair. I'm afraid I'll never have an enjoyable relationship. A large part of me wants to be a loner so I don't feel motivated to even try.

Mentioning "anger at a depressed person" probably gave the wrong impression, especially on a forum where many people are depressed. A couple things. I didn't say "I get angry", I said "a part of me gets angry." Which is to say, I don't identify with the anger and act it out. I realize it's my issue. It's simply a response to feeling trapped in a painful situation. It largely originates as anger at myself and my own feelings of helplessness.

I wouldn't really say mean things to her and "dump her." I have an enormous fear that whatever I say will sound like that, however, which is one thing that inhibits me.

I feel free to give compassion and understanding to other people when I'm not in a relationship with them. But I have been getting completely overwhelmed with her depression. Completely.

I'm really stuck. Saying goodbye to her feels like the end of the world. I don't quite understand why. That's why I feel stuck.

Thank you for reading this far, and I hope you can understand what I really meant to say.

If you choose depressed women just because you get depressed yourself and don't feel confident enough around happy and cheerful ladies, it's a wrong reason for choosing a person to date, I'm afraid. And perhaps the reason for which you fear saying good-bye to this lady you were seeing for a while now is not you really being in love with her, but rather your fear for feeling even more insecure, fear for feeling you are a loser or something like that. And it isn't quite right to feel that way, if do feel your relationship is disfunctional and do tell her good-bye, you should know, it has nothing to do with you being a loser, it rather means you have strong enough a personality not to mess with people who don't appreciate you and your opinions enough. Because if she isn't trying to understand your point of view and discuss it instead of criticizing it, that shows she isn't going to be a supportive person on the long run, and it always helps to be strong enough to break up that sort of relationships..

[MusicMike]

Thanks, Tanya P.