Very Complicated Relationship Taking Its Toll

I can't stop holding all of these thoughts inside. It's starting to keep me up at night so here I go, let me know what you think.

I'll be 19 in a couple weeks, and there's this girl I've been friends with since I was about 11. I had a bit of a crush on her in middle school and she told me that she liked me so we started "going out" (which in middle school didn't mean much). Being so young, I quickly discovered that a relationship didn't make sense so we went back to just being friends.

When I was 15 my father's job took me overseas to the middle east, and my friend and I had pretty consistent communication between online messaging and handwritten letters. One fateful day I received a letter from her describing how she met a guy she kind of liked but was date-raped (She is a very passive person that would be easy to take advantage of). I have no idea why, but reading this letter didn't affect me all that much back then. Against the advice in my reply, she continued this relationship.

Later when I went back to the US to visit for the summer, I found out from one of my other friends that they had seen this guy kissing another girl while still dating my friend. Again, I was mad, but didn't suffer emotional trauma from discovering this. Meanwhile she still clings to this dirt bag and I head back overseas, but to Indonesia this time.

Between my time in the Middle East and Indonesia I had tried a few relationships that amounted to nothing probably because I simply wasn't ready for a relationship. My friend and I continued our communication but less so than before. Then after another failed relationship I started to realize that the person I really wanted to be with was this girl I had known for so long; that in every previous relationship my subconscious was comparing who I was currently with to my old friend and they were just never as good.

After graduating from high school in Indonesia, I headed back to my home town for college where my old friend would be attending as well. I eventually gained enough courage to talk to her about her current relationship and sort of confessed my love for her (though I don't think she realizes just HOW MUCH). First of all, she said she knew that her current boyfriend raped her and cheated on her, but that he didn't love her then; that now it's apparently okay because he apologized, they both love each other and he's a good person (of which I've heard things to the contrary from my other friends who have encountered him). I also asked her if she loved me in the same way and that it was perfectly okay if she didn't. Here's what killed me: she couldn't answer! I guess it was her way of saying "I love you too, but I don't want to admit being in love with another person than my current boyfriend". I probably wouldn't be in this emotional mess if she had just said "no I only love you as a friend". I would have seen it as a lost cause and probably have gotten over it.

That brings us to now, a year after the previous conversation. We're still very close friends and I fall more in love with her every time we spend time together. A couple more failed relationships this year proved again that she had simply set the bar too high. I know her so well and am 100% positive that a relationship between us would be an amazing success. I can't get over it because some part of me still feels that there's hope. The only options I see are: continue how I'm living right now, as her good friend and constantly feel heartache for not being with her (which feels horrible and has started giving me problems like insomnia and depression), or tell her how I'm feeling and say that if I can't be in a relationship with her, I may need to distance myself from her completely (which feels like a horribly selfish move to make and would probably bring on a different slew of emotional problems).

For those who read my pathetic novel, what on earth do you think I should do?

If you don't move on, you won't be able to get on with your relationships and life... This girl has a boyfriend she should break up before you even make a move on her. I understand at a young age, people think there is only one for them. Truth is you date several people to find what you like and don't like but you are carrying a baggage. You are wasting your time, she would not even break up with her bf for you. Move on, it sounds like she just wants your attention

I know she's not the only one for me, but it's hard to move on when I still see her so often and she has made every other girl look like **** in comparison. Another part of the problem is that I want HER to be happy, and I can't help but feel that she'd be happier with me than this other guy. In fact, if she broke up with this guy and started dating someone better who wasn't me, I'd probably be able to get over it because I wouldn't feel like I could make an improvement in her life. But the fact that she's still with this person who did such terrible things to her, and gives him a second chance after he raped and cheated on her while I get nothing, is infuriating.

Wow... handwritten letters... in this day and age. This is SO romantic... unbelievable. Please keep the letters, scan them, and digitize them in order to preserve them - I have lost all the handwritten letters ever written to me by various guys (back in the time when handwriting was the default rather than a conscious choice) and I deeply regret being so disorganized. So the first thing is to scan, digitize, and preserve the letters.

Next, I would upload the scans into Google Drive which can then use OCR (optical character recognition) to convert them into documents that you can edit.

About Optical Character Recognition in Google Drive - Google Drive Help

So that would be my first step if I were you, because the attraction and attachment you have for this girl are clearly serious, clearly important (given the time elapsed since age 11...) and might well prove unique, in some sense, for your whole lifetime, so whatever happens right now in practical terms may be irrelevant for you three decades from now, but the handwritten letters will retain their relevance and will be precious keepsakes.

I am leaving for the long weekend and will come back to offer short-term suggestions; right now I just want to offer you some perspective and suggest that you invest time in the digitization of your handwritten archive.

And no, your novel is not pathetic - you write quite well and present the situation clearly and concisely.

Good luck!

According to you she was/is dating a not so nice guy. You asked her if she loved you? she couldnt give you an answer <~~~ that does not mean she loves you. I don't know why you assumed that. If she loved you in a romantic way she would break it off with her boyfriend.

You are most likely comparing every person you date to her and the thoughts of love you have for her.

I would say it's time to move on. maybe you and her are only meant to be friends.

She may be a wonderful person that would be a good girl friend for you but at this time she is not available. She may continue to stay in her current unhealthy relationship or may later dump him but it is not in your control and it doesn't seem logical to me to wait and see if she will become available.

I think you need to develop more friendships with other girls and perhaps one might be special or maybe not but dating different people may turn out to be enjoyable and worthwhile.

1. I suppose it is possible that her not answering me doesn't mean she loves me, but I sincerely said it was okay if she didn't, so why couldn't she just say no?
2. Your second statement is far from always true; there are so many possibilities. What if she loves both of us? What if she really loves me more but is downright TERRIFIED of breaking up with her first real boyfriend? For example, some girls who are kidnapped and sexually abused actually form very strong attachments to those who abuse them through fear.
3. Of course I'm comparing every person I date to her; I can't stop thinking about her. Did you even read my first post?

You need to tell her how you are feeling, to deal with the ambiguity created in (2). You do not know what is going on. She might love both of you but might feel fear stemming from that fact because she as most other people her age would have been conditioned to believe that you cannot love two people while in reality you can. And, there are countless other explanations. So, you need to let her know. Of the heartache, of the angst, of the feelings growing more and more intense and tender every time you see her, of her being unique and unmatched in your world - reread the OP, you wrote well and I am mostly quoting your own language, so you can clearly use the OP as your basis for drafting a love confession letter.

Tell her!

That would accomplish two goals:

- you will let her know without any doubt about what is going on so she then might or might not decide to act on your confession, possibly even breaking up with her current boyfriend,

- MORE IMPORTANTLY - you will get your self-expression. Self-expression is very important and has value per se, regardless of the outcome.

So... you have a long weekend so you are off work, and get to work on the love confession letter to her.

Good luck!

Yes I did read your post. I gave you an opinion/advice based on what you wrote in your OP.
I'm sorry if my response has upset you somehow,it was not my intention, I will not respond to your posting again.

Hamster-Bamster, you seem to understand. I'm going to send you a private message if that's okay?

I don't think that would necessarily be the case, either, Christina. From what I've read it is not easy to leave an abusive relationship. This forum proves that.

It doesn't mean she loves you in a romantic way, though. I think the OP just wants some form of closure from his friend. I would do what hamster says because she may give you a definite answer which will allow you to move on.

I think totally stopping your communication will kill both - your friendship and your opportunity (even though not a definite one) to have a relationship with her. If she said she just doesn't want to admit being in love with someone other than her current boyfriend, maybe it's just her morals speaking, not her heart. And then if he raped her and cheated on her, whether he apologized or not, it's hardly going to be a functional relationship and sooner or later she will probably break up with him. She might then still consider a relationship with you as you both have been friends for so long. It often happens so that best friends end up in a relationship after some unsuccessful relationships. It isn't a guarantee it will happen in your case, but who knows?