Wives of P*rn Viewers

I'm resurrecting this thread.

My wife and I continue to grow together, but we really don't have anything of a sexual relationship anymore.

As she said to me, the "specialness" is gone. If I can become aroused and orgasm from looking at other women, then what makes her special? And what is there to make her feel safe with me, and that I won't judge her physical appearance or performance in the bedroom now and as we age. She says she cringes anytime I tell her she is pretty or beautiful, because that isn't unique to her anymore.

I've really, really hurt her, and hurt us, and perhaps destroyed her self-esteem permanently.

I continue to try to be present for her in any way I can, and I continue to try to "date" her, with special meals, candles, notes on her mirror, notes in her car, etc.

I've always been intensely, overwhelmingly, attracted to my wife. She has always kind of surpressed her sexual feelings and desires. I really think there is the potential for her and I to be a truly great couple together, and live the connected, sexual life we both want.

How do I help her heal? How do I help re-build her self-esteem? If you have been through this, what has worked for you in your marriage?

I am married and I let my husband watch p*rn, I watch it with him... I believe that there is a lot of times when your together so long, a lot of a non-turn on, because you have done the same routines over and over again.

I don't think its cheating, in my opinion I think its perfectly healthy,, its not like you went out and touched these other women and slept with them..

maybe you should talk to her about why you would want to watch p*rn in the first place.

Yes, I think your wife has her own self esteem problems, you did not create them. She has never had the capability to be the only woman in the world, the most beautiful, most desirable, etc. You get to say whether she is special to you and whether you find her sexy. I do not think she understands male sexuality very well? I do not know if she would be open to learning from you, exploring with you or if you hurt her by shutting her out with watching "too much" porn. Are you in therapy at all or is she or the two of you together?

I would talk with her more rather than assuming your idea of "special" the dating and romantic stuff is what she wants? It sounds like she has cliche ideas about porn but that you have similar sorts of ideas about what "women" want. You are both individuals and have to connect at an individual level, not an all-porn-is-bad/flowers-and-candles-are-romantic way?

I agree with Perna. I work with many women and I hear so many different views of what they consider a romantic gift from their partners. Some women hate the idea of getting flowers and a dinner. Some would rather get a book they like or find a romantic night would include a fishing pole or a campfire on the patio. One woman told me the most romantic thing her husband did was did the dishes for her instead of her doing them lol. They had the best "night" when he did that.

She has self-esteem issues, and always has.

This has come in the way of our sex lives in the past.

Instead of continuing to work through it with her, I used porn as an outlet.

She has strong moral obligations to porn, feeling that most of the women in porn are exploited, on drugs, too immature to make long lasting decisions, seeking something in their lives that is missing, etc.

She will never be OK with porn in our marriage.

She will never be OK with feeling like she had to compete with porn actresses for my attention. My attention belongs with her.

Even seeing someone on the street thinking they are attractive is not the same as pointedly searching out internet material and lying about it to my wife for years. What I did was really wrong.

Right now, i think my sex life is over. I should have nurtured what I had instead of looking elsewhere.