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  #1  
Old May 30, 2013, 02:50 PM
pktrain pktrain is offline
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I am a married man with kids. I was liking a female co-worker for over a year. She was married and I did not make any advances. One month ago, I came to know that she is separated. We started talking a lot at work and off worrk too.. on Facebook.

After some time I felt she is equally interested in me. I told her that I know someone who is confused if he should express his love or not to a woman. She told me that the person should take a risk if the girl is worth it. I decided to then tell her feelings.

She told me that she cant consider me as I am married. But after that incident, we kept talking and came more close. She never explicitly said that she loves me.. but she asked me to take her out for coffee, and drinks, and even vacation.. When we went out for drinks, we had very good time... On my way back we hugged and kissed each other

On the next day, she stepped back and told me she feels guilty to ruin my marriage. She thinks it is not good idea to go out again. Since that day she started distancing me... She wants to stay work friends.. And finally she claims that she is seeing someone else and I should not email/text her. but just stay work friends.

I developed so strong emotions for her and now I am so sad that she changed like this.

My wife came to know that I like someone at work. Though she believes me that I did not sleep with her.. she thinks emotional cheating is a big thing.. My wife stopped physical relationship with me.

I lost both the women in my life for different reasons... On this site I saw that strengthening marriage is right thing to do.. but my wife is not talking much and cant get over what happened... I am clueless what I should do now

Can someone help with their advice?
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  #2  
Old May 31, 2013, 12:49 PM
daniellegillespie daniellegillespie is offline
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i suggest going to therapy with your wife. an emotional affair is as devastating as a physical one so she has a right to be upset with you and now she needs to decide for herself if she wants to work on your marriage or give up. You both may want to consider individual therapy as well, there is a reason you acted on your attraction to co-worker when you were married and you need to figure that out as well.

As for the co-worker she did the right thing in distancing herself from you. You are married and if you leave your wife it should be because you don't love her anymore, not because you love someone else. Figure out why you did this and talk to your wife about how/if she wants to proceed. Whatever else this limbo it sounds like your living in isn't healthy for either of you,
Thanks for this!
shezbut
  #3  
Old May 31, 2013, 01:54 PM
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shezbut shezbut is offline
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pktrain,

It sounds to me as though you aren't emotionally attached to your wife at all. As though the only reason why you're trying to fix things with her is to get your physical needs met. Is that accurate?

Re-building emotional attachment isn't easy, especially when your heart isn't in it. It takes a lot of time, hard work, and patience. While you didn't have sex with your co-worker, you certainly wanted whatever you could get from her & only stopped when she pushed you away more deliberately and stuck to her decision.

You may be unable to really push yourself to hold on to your wife, especially without pressuring her to give in. In my opinion, your wife has every right to feel unloved and unsure whether or not she really can trust what you're now telling her. Going to therapy together would be helpful to both of you ~ you would both be in a safe place, open to share how you're truly feeling inside, and decide what you can both do to re-build your marriage together.
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  #4  
Old May 31, 2013, 08:28 PM
pktrain pktrain is offline
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Thanks for response. My wife does not want to go to therapy. She asks me to go myself and tell her what the therapist says. Is it worth me going alone?

Quote:
Originally Posted by daniellegillespie View Post
i suggest going to therapy with your wife. an emotional affair is as devastating as a physical one so she has a right to be upset with you and now she needs to decide for herself if she wants to work on your marriage or give up. You both may want to consider individual therapy as well, there is a reason you acted on your attraction to co-worker when you were married and you need to figure that out as well.

As for the co-worker she did the right thing in distancing herself from you. You are married and if you leave your wife it should be because you don't love her anymore, not because you love someone else. Figure out why you did this and talk to your wife about how/if she wants to proceed. Whatever else this limbo it sounds like your living in isn't healthy for either of you,
  #5  
Old May 31, 2013, 08:31 PM
pktrain pktrain is offline
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Member Since: May 2013
Posts: 12
Thanks for your reply. I was in love with my wife. But as the marriage went on and kids happen, we find quarreling with each other. I do care about her but I don't get that strong emotional pull towards her. My wife does not want to go to therapy together.. She just wants me to go alone and find out why i cheated on her ..

Quote:
Originally Posted by shezbut View Post
pktrain,

It sounds to me as though you aren't emotionally attached to your wife at all. As though the only reason why you're trying to fix things with her is to get your physical needs met. Is that accurate?

Re-building emotional attachment isn't easy, especially when your heart isn't in it. It takes a lot of time, hard work, and patience. While you didn't have sex with your co-worker, you certainly wanted whatever you could get from her & only stopped when she pushed you away more deliberately and stuck to her decision.

You may be unable to really push yourself to hold on to your wife, especially without pressuring her to give in. In my opinion, your wife has every right to feel unloved and unsure whether or not she really can trust what you're now telling her. Going to therapy together would be helpful to both of you ~ you would both be in a safe place, open to share how you're truly feeling inside, and decide what you can both do to re-build your marriage together.
  #6  
Old Jun 01, 2013, 04:37 AM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pktrain View Post
Thanks for your reply. I was in love with my wife. But as the marriage went on and kids happen, we find quarreling with each other. I do care about her but I don't get that strong emotional pull towards her. My wife does not want to go to therapy together.. She just wants me to go alone and find out why i cheated on her ..
I am sorry but you are not torn by two women - a man is torn by two women when there are two women and each wants him all to herself and he cannot choose in which direction to go... you do not have even one woman who wants you all to herself, I am sorry to say...

I do not know why your wife wants you to go to therapy to find out why you did what you did since you know the answer to this question already - you do not feel an emotional pull towards her. So you do not need to waste money on therapy if all she expects from therapy is answering a question that has already been answered. So to go to therapy purely for clarification purposes would be a waste of time and money.

Does she know that you do not feel an emotional pull towards her any longer, and, it has been some time since you stopped feeling that pull?
  #7  
Old Jun 01, 2013, 08:02 AM
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winter4me winter4me is offline
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Location: new england
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You screwed up. You can work on regaining your wife's trust or not. Sometimes there is no romance, some times are just plain tough. Sometimes it is worth hanging in there. Only you can decide what you want to do. I don't think therapy is a bad idea for you---you need to make a decision.
  #8  
Old Jun 01, 2013, 10:42 AM
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healingme4me healingme4me is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pktrain View Post
Thanks for response. My wife does not want to go to therapy. She asks me to go myself and tell her what the therapist says. Is it worth me going alone?
Going to a therapist alone, may leave you finding out things about yourself, that left you pursuing a woman outside of your marriage, before discontinuing the marriage, first.

The thing about therapy, it's also, no one else's business, but yours what goes on in that office. Meaning, therapy is private and personal.

If she wants to know why people drift away from one another and pursue emotional and physical affairs of the heart, then it's up to her to go find those answers, herself, whether in therapy or through plenty of research.

I am not surprised, that the other woman, stepped back, and stuck to her own personal boundaries and limits. Good for her!

Best of luck, as you navigate this quest to figure out what direction in life, you'd like to take.

PS. Men who cheat, it's usually from 'fear of confrontation.' That's a start...
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